I love school!

Well, I have been at work for the last two days, and WOW has that ever improved my spirits!

Yesterday I started with a training session on the course management system at my new campus. That was fairly boring, but it at least exposed me to what I will be using when I get a log in and password. Then, I sat in on the campus newspaper staff meeting and that was FABULOUS! I contributed in a few places and started making my presence known. I think it was appreciated... Then, I worked for about an hour on my syllabus and what not. Then, I went to a book rep's meeting to learn about the online resources associated with the book my students will be using. Then, I had dinner and talked with other faculty, and then we had a department meeting.

At the departmental meeting we learned about resources available at the library and through campus media. We also learned that we have to give a final exam (OK, I can do that). We also learned that we have to take attendance (I learned that anyways, the others already knew)... I am not wild about that, but I will do it. I think taking attendance in a college setting is odd. These are supposedly adults and they can make the decision to attend class or not and reap the rewards or suffer the consequences. It is pretty simple. In my class, you come to class, you can do quite well. If you don't come to class, you can't do all that well. Straight forward, huh? Oh well. So then we called it a day.

Then, I convinced my dad to go celebrate my great day with a drink (for him, not me). We went to a local place and had tons of fun. I competed in a karaoke contest and took second place. That was cool. My mom came up (she had been at a business dinner) and brought her intoxicated co-worker, so that was entertaining too. It was just nice and felt normal to go have a drink after a good day at work (even if it was a virgin mary).

So today I started with a new doctor's appointment... That went fine except I broke down in tears while telling the doctor my life story (as I have named the drama that has been my life lately). I hate crying in front of people... And he asked me if my O.B. was prescribing me anything to keep my spirits up... I assumed that during pregnancy, drugs would be a no-no... If not, I could be open to medicating some of this pain away. Is that wrong?

After the appointment, I went to work and loved it AGAIN! I edited student newspaper stories and did a good job, if I do say so myself. My supervisor took one of the edited storied I had done and showed it to her co-worker and said, "She's one of us..." That was approval right there. I also developed my semester schedule, which was a relief. Finally, I attended new adjunct faculty orientation. That was informative and interesting.

The best part of the meeting was at the end when I connected with another new adjunct who will be teaching speech. I told her my life story, too, and she really empathized. She was very compassionate and even gave me her name and phone number to call for advice. She offered some helpful advice and even promised prayers for me. It was just very nice. It was like meeting one of you guys in real person! It was great!

So now I am home and needing to either get busy or go to bed... I found out at least one of my three classes made and it looks like of the other two, at least one is going to make... So that is good. I am so going to be broke soon, but oh well. I am going to a women of faith conference tomorrow and Saturday with my girl scout troop leader and my two best friends since kindergarten. I am very excited and nervous. Excited because it will be great for my spirits to spend time with these women. Nervous because I am worried what all the faith soul searching will do to my raw emotions... I hope I can handle it. So, before I have to be at their house by 7 a.m. (in nine hours), I need to sleep, pack for two days, take a shower, iron some shirts, and get ready to go... Not to mention get my syllabus ready for next week!

But, blogging did make me feel better earlier in the week, and I anticipate that I won't be able to this weekend, so I wanted to get this in. I hope I can keep my spirits up like they are. I am afraid they won't, and I worry this isn't "real..." Like I don't really feel better and I will get back to feeling so crappy. I hope not, but I have a feeling I will. Think positive for me! I am still seeing the counselor soon. Oh, and I think Eleanor has moved up into the top half of my stomach instead of just being in the lower part... I am probably wrong, but the top half of my belly has gone from being lumpy and fatty to being pretty solid (bulging in both scenarios)... Is it possible she's moving around like that? OK, I better pack or something soon!

ttfn

Nice

I got a much-needed kick in the butt back to the blogsphere thanks to my great friend Lara. She has awarded me a Nice Matters Award.

"This award is for those bloggers who are nice people and good blog friends -
those who bring good feelings and inspiration. Also for those who are a positive
influence on our blogging world. Once you’ve been awarded, please pass it on to 7 others who you feel are deserving of this award."

I will pass this lovely award onto:

• Nikki (who may appear not nice with the occasional f-bomb, but she rocks my socks off and is a sweet heart to this sad little girl).


• Major BedHead (my new friend who sends me great support and advice! And she uses words like Mum and I love that!)


• JillB (another rock star in my world!)


• Mommy Off The Record (she has been supporting me and sharing pregnancy stuff and I sure appreciate it!!)


• Stupid American (she has been loving me since long before the blogsphere and she just rocks socks)


• Betsy (she even gave me the secret password!)


• Ewe Are Here (she always has a kind word to share!)

I want to post the cool picture but I don't know how, so if anyone knows how and wants to tell me, drop me a line!!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So, onto the not so nice. As you know, it was been a WHILE since I have been here. It has even been a while since I have read others' blogs...

Some part of it is that living at mom and dad's has meant that my computer lives upstairs and I live down.

Part of it has been that my sleep schedule has been so fragile that when I get upstairs I worry if I don't try to go to sleep right away I will lose the chance (like I did tonight).

The biggest part of it is that I am so overwhelmed with hurt and pain that I haven't known what to write... I hate to be all "Debbie Downer..." I hate to write whiney crap even though I know yall love me and will support me. I think I am afraid to write too much because I might discover some new painful feeling that hasn't cropped up yet.

But, I know I NEED to. My mom and sister (I think through my sister's prodding because my sister is actually privvy to this address while mom isn't) have reminded me that blogging is therapuetic and will help me feel better. I think I have reached this weird place where I don't really know how to feel better and that's scary...

I went to Oklahoma three weeks ago and had a fabulous time (except for Gma going in the hospital--she is fine now). When I got back I headed to D.C. for a big conference and LOTS of job interviews. That was GREAT! I had five really great interviews with R1s who have jobs I would love to have. I talked with great folks. I got to talk with people from my school and people at other schools. I got to say goodbye to people from my school and that was nice. I got to meet friends at new schools and that was nice. I was on and happy for most of the time I was out of time. I did really well. I think exuding that kind of happiness and cheerfulness kind of wiped me out of happy for a while, because ever since I have been home, I have been DOWN...

Last week I tried to work hard and get my honey-do's done... I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday for a sonogram/Level II Ultrasound... It was very exciting! We (me and mom--see, i have to clarify that and that makes me mad. I don't get to say we as in my husband/the baby's father and I--no, I have to clarify that my mother goes to these appointments with me) got to see the baby's bones--thigh and arm, her nose, mouth, eyes, ears, and spine... That's right, I said HER... We got to see her lack of outdoor plumbing!! As my sister said, we have a Jane, not a John! I was so relieved! I was so scared and confident this was a boy and that I was going to be even more clueless than I am already going to be... But, as the doctor said, today we're going to say she's a girl... He looked between her legs and said, "Well, if some thing's there, it is hidden really well!" So, I go back in a few weeks and he will take another look. This sono was at 16 weeks, so it is still early, but right now, she's a girl!

G knew that I was going to that appointment and that it was about more than just gender determination. This was an appointment for the docs to say that she looks healthy and that my diabetes hasn't screwed her up. He claimed to want to know what is going on with her, and I told him he would have to call me to ask because he needed to show a little initiative. I waited all day to share our news with him and for him to demonstrate in some small way that he gives a damn.

And what do you know, but he didn't call. And what do you know, but it devastated me. It sent me into a funk from which I have not returned. I texted him on Thursday about a financial matter and he asked how the appointment went. Via text message. All casual like. I told him fine and left it at that. He eventually got around to texting me, "So is it a girl like you wanted?" How dick can he be?? He just oozed rudeness and ass-hole in every word he utters and it breaks my heart with each letter. I don't really ever get to talk to him, but he texts occasionally and his texts hurt just as much as phone calls. Is IT the appropriate pronoun for our sweet baby? No! And is it a competition for the desired gender? No! I am happy as long as this baby is healthy. He seems indifferent about this child and that hurts me so badly. She deserves a daddy and he has robbed her of that. Even if he is "involved," that will mean two weeks a year in another state?? That sucks. I guess personifying her with a gender has brought back some of my issues with him...

And I know I can't expect anything from him and I try not to, but it just hurt so badly when he showed his lack of interest. He is a better man than that. I know it. Where did my G go? Where is the man I married? I miss him so much I ache! I just want him to call me and say, Hey, I am sorry this is all so shitty. Even if we can't be together, I love you. Why can't he call and tell me he loves me? Why doesn't he love me? Why doesn't he love us? Why has he gone away? I just don't understand. At all. I just miss him (the real him, not this new ass hole) so much.

Like I said, for a few weeks, I was doing good. That has all gone away. Wednesday and Thursday collided into Friday where I just cried pretty much all day. It was the only thing I could accomplish on Friday. I even cried when my mom had friends over. I went to a concert of my favorite band with two of my favorite people on Friday night and what do you know, I cried there too (of course this band was OUR favorite too, so some tears were expected). I just want to cry all the time. I just want to sleep and cry and that is about it. I am angry about that too. I am generally a happy person, and I miss being REALLY happy. I can fake it like a champ, but I haven't been genuinely happy in a long time and that sucks.

I want to be excited that I have a baby girl on the way. But I was too busy being sad that my baby girl doesn't get a daddy. I think some part of my sadness for that is that I don't get to be a mommy with a daddy. I know that is selfish.

My family thinks I am depressed, and I think I agree. So I have made an appointment with a counselor, but I am not excited about going. I just don't know how that will help really. Writing this hasn't really helped, it just gave me something to cry about... It may have some long-term effect in helping, but today, nothing really helps. I am very afraid of this hopeless feeling. I have 23 weeks to get it together and be OK for my baby girl. I don't know if that is long enough. That is scary. Not only have I always been scared out of my mind about the whole Mommy gig, now I have to be scared to be single mommy and depressed mommy... And this is all before PPD... Yikes! I am just struggling a lot.

And, I feel terrible for putting my family through this. My mom finds me crying daily and just seems crushed. She doesn't really get it that I am not choosing to do this. I feel bad that it hurts her to see me so down. I want to be up, I just don't know how to get there. My sister and dad have even talked about this on the phone--mind you my dad is not a phone talker... I hate it that they are all worried about this. They all feel totally helpless, and they are. I need their love and support totally, but the love that I really want isn't coming and that is the only thing I can imagine making me better. I feel bad because it is like I am saying to them that their love isn't good enough. I know they know that isn't true, but I just don't want to hurt them any more... My mom and dad said the other night how happy they are that I am home. I said me too and my dad said, no you're not, but that's ok. And that's the truth. I still just want to go home. To my home. To my husband and my dog. And I can't. And that hurts.

So, I am sorry this blog is all over the place. I am really hoping I can try to write more because I do think it will help in the long term. Bear with me and sunny days will return... Go read back in my archives when I was in my care-bear world of happiness and bliss. I was smug with my little world of love and fun. I miss those days. I want them back so badly! I know my baby girl will bring bliss and I WILL bring bliss to her. She deserves a happy healthy mommy and I am going to become that. She is worth it. I know I can do it for her... I just need to remember that! Thanks for listening again!

ttfn

PS-I drafted 5th in my fantasy football league and it is time for me to live up to my name--ffbgirl--so hopefully some football stuff is coming. I start work Wednesday with meetings and stuff and I want to write about that too. I want to write more about my conference and the job hunt too.

Big shock, I have been MIA

I know I keep apologizing for this and I know that at some point what few of you are left will flee for lack of interesting material here at this fair blog, but I at least wanted to check in and give you a quick update...

I have been in Oklahoma with family this past week/weekend... My grandma mysteriously got sick and wound up in the hospital. Me being the pregnant and gross-out fearing person that I am, I didn't actually see her in the hospital, but I at least spent an afternoon in the waiting room... She is still in the hospital but doing better. Prayers and positive thoughts for her are appreciated.

Also while in Oklahoma, my aunt informed my uncle that she is done with their marriage. Hmmm, let me give you a short short version as I want to post on this at length very soon. My aunt and I are very alike. She married a somewhat blue-collar kind of guy who loves her a lot, but who is probably beneath her (similar to me marrying a blue-collar kind of guy whom I thought loved me a lot and is probably beneath me)... I saw their marriage as a hope that G and I would always be OK (before he up and left me)... She has been considering this divorce for a year or so and it has been hard for me to be on her side. I know that is horrible and I should support her and love her no matter what. I do love her, I just hate it that she is quitting on her marriage (of like 25 years). It is not my business and I am judging and thrusting my experiences on a situation that is probably not all that similar, so it makes me feel guilty. But, none the less, that made the weekend less than enjoyable.

I am headed to a BIG conference this week and have TONS to do to get ready. I have TWO (that's right, TWO) interviews set up for this conference with big research one schools. One of the programs just e-mailed me this weekend and I am PUMPED! This school is one of the few with a specialty in my area and other researchers from my research group have gotten jobs there. I interviewed there for their Ph.D. program and didn't get in. The gentleman who e-mailed me about interviewing at the conference is one with whom I had dinner while on my Ph.D. interview and I really enjoyed him. I hope I impressed him back three or four years ago and I hope I can impress him again.

This whole divorce thing is still kicking my ass. I want to boo hoo daily. I try to limit the actual boo-hooing to once a week or so and just have a good cry daily, but it gets hard. It is especially hard after a weekend around a lot of people. I know it will be a challenge at this conference as I cannot mention the pregnancy and WILL NOT mention the divorce... It is just hard to be all smiley and happy all the time when I feel like crap.

I miss G so much it hurts. I ache inside. I just want to go home, and I can't. That is the worse feeling in the world. I know this is home now, but it still doesn't feel like it. I miss my husband and my dog. I miss hugs and kisses in a romantic way. I miss going to sleep with a big guy snoring on the other side of me. I miss waking up annoyed that his alarm is going off and he doesn't even hear it.

I know our marriage was obviously not good, but I sure loved it and it hurts so bad that I don't get to experience it anymore. I just don't know how to cope with how sad this makes me. I try to be positive and just look for the good. I try to be rational and reasonable and accept that I am going to hurt. But how long?? When will I not want to just crawl back into bed every day because facing another day is just a crummy thought? When will this not be so hard?

Oh wait, it is only going to get harder because I have a baby on the way and I will be going through that alone. That scares the crap out of me. I knew I could be a good mom as long as I had G's support and that together we could do this. I know logically that I can do it alone, but it is so much more scary than anything I have ever thought of before. What if I am as bad at it as I think I can be?? What if I can't do this?

And I am still pissed that I have to answer all the questions about being the pregnant one whose husband left... At the lake this weekend I had to tell two different people (basically strangers) at least something about my husband and I just had no clue how to do that. I need to come up with some stock answer, but I am not very good at short and sweet, as you guys know... And I go to a new doctor this week and I am sure I will have to address the father issue there too. I don't want people thinking that I am OK with doing this alone. I am well aware that a two-parent home is preferable. This was not my choice. How do I convey that without giving my life story? And I know I shouldn't care what people think, but I do.

So, this is basically why I have not been writing. I am too afraid it will turn into this--a long whiny gripe fest that no one wants to read. I apologize. If you even made it this far, I thank you for listening to my pain. If you have any advice on dealing, please share it. I am struggling. I am struggling far worse than I really want to let on. I don't think my parents realize that I have not moved forward in any real way emotionally. It is still as painful as it was a month ago. I have gone through the motions and gotten a job and I am looking forward and appearing to be strong on the outside, but inside I am a big glop of mush. And it is painful mush and I don't like it. Sorry again this was such a downer. I hope getting it out of my head will make me feel better, at least. I will try to make tomorrow's post a happier one (Lara tagged me for a meme, so I will do that tomorrow). OK, one last request for hugs and positive thoughts and prayers (last for this post, there will be many more requests like that in my future).

ttfn

Second Trimester Afternoon Sickness?!?

I made it through the first trimester with no major feelings of yuckiness! Thank God!

I am a wuss and could not have handled daily puking or anything like that! I said God must have known that and spared me.

I have been in my second trimester for a few days now, and I think maybe God forgot or something... Tuesday night we went out for Mexican food and on Wednesday I felt yucky all day long. I attributed it to the Mexican food. So, today, mid-afternoon, I got all yucky feeling again!

And it seemed typical "morning sickness" kind of yucky in that I just felt yucky and certain smells (specifically the marinating turkey breast my mom put in the oven) about sent me to the can... I am so going to be upset if this becomes a daily thing. I know it is a little early to panic and it is only two days of yucky and I shouldn't complain, but I am getting nervous.

Is increased anxiety a common symptom in the second trimester?? The other day I was worried about weight gain (specifically in my butt), and today I am freaking out about afternoon sickness...

Paranoid much?

I think so!

So, don't worry about me, I am just stressing about every little thing. My mom and I almost headed to the ER yesterday because of weird cramps in my tummy (I called the new doc, but because they haven't seen me they can't give me medical advice)... I think I might be focusing my life stress onto stressing about baby stuff... I don't know...

I think I will have to post a belly pic in the near future, but cross your fingers that it can wait until after my upcoming conference. There is a HUGE job fair at this conference and I am NOT telling potential employers that I am preggo (so let's hope they can't notice!).

Sorry for the randomness, I am just trying to get back into the habit of daily (or almost daily) postings.

P.S. Major Kudos to my dad for helping me set up Quicken for all my bills and stuff! He Rocks my Socks!!

ttfn

Good News

I GOT THE JOB!!!

I am very pleased to announce that I will be teaching introduction to mass communication at my local community college starting in the Fall semester!

The interview could not have gone better! I already have started bonding with my supervisor and she is just fabulous!

I am very excited! I really needed some good news and this surely is! I will give more details tomorrow!

ttfn

Pregnancy Phenomenon

Part of moving meant I took a look at what fits and what doesn't. Before I moved I gave away five trash bags of skinny clothes. I finally broke down and gave away those size 10 clothes that I moved from Oklahoma to Florida that never fit while I lived in Florida. I also gave away most of my size 12 clothes, seeing as those haven't fit in well over a year. I did keep a few size 12 items that have fit in the last year, but those size 12s fit only after a span on addipex (a wonder drug, btw).

So when I got home and started going through my clothes, I discovered the first casualty of my pregnancy... Wait, wait, wait. Let me give a little back story here...

While on the road, I was noticing that my underwear were not fitting quite the way I like them to. I just thought maybe this had something to do with extended periods of time in the car and my behind just being tired of taking the brunt of the trip...

So, back home and going through my clothes... I have a whole duffel bag of blue jeans to be put away. I decide I better try on my jeans to see what fits and what doesn't. All the jeans in the bag are size 14. These jeans all fit somewhat recently. So I start trying them on, and one by one, I realize that NONE of them fit. And it isn't that my belly is getting in the way. My belly hasn't really grown much yet.

No no! It is not the belly.

It is my butt.

My butt has grown. I have lost weight during my first trimester, but my but has gotten bigger.

OK all you moms out there, is this normal?? WTF??? My butt? Bigger?!? This is just not going to work for me!

So all day today I have had anxiety about getting bigger. I have three pairs of non-maternity jeans that still fit. I have one pair of capri pants that still fit. My t-shirts still fit. That's about it. God please let something in my work wardrobe still fit for my interview tomorrow so I can go in and not look pregnant.

OK, so any have any pregnancy-butt-getting-bigger stories to share?? Please share them. I am freaking out a little that I am becoming an uncute pregnant lady and dear God all I want is to be a cute pregnant lady! Please, just let my belly get round and the rest of me conform to my new shape. I am OK with never being thin, but I just don't want to get fat and gross. (Don't get me started right now on my prospects of never having sex again seeing as my husband has left me and men do not want sex with random pregnant women... not that I want random sex, but that isn't the point here.)

************************************

On an unrelated note, I just got back from CVS where I fell down while my mom and I were leaving. Wow that sucked! They had been cleaning the floors and didn't post a sign and I was in flip flops and down I went. My mom freaked out and yelled at me about wearing flip flops and worried about me and this made me feel bad and made me cry. Then she freaked about the crying. It was not fun. I feel fairly OK... My wrist is a little sore and I will have a little boo-boo on my knee, but otherwise it wasn't that bad. I am a little worried about what falling means as a pregnant person... Should I be worried? Just wanted to share that tid bit...

ttfn

Home (bitter) Sweet Home

Well, I made it home. I tried to post from the road, but I was just too plum wore out to get it done... Sorry!

So, our adventure went as follows:

• Finished packing just as movers arrived on Wednesday morning.
• Movers were loading stuff in truck when Dad got to G'ville.
• G was actually helpful in packing and directing movers in their loading of stuff.
• Paid for a whole extra hour of movers' time because of the two-hour minimum when they only needed an hour to get my crap loaded.
• Went to copy place to print, sign, and get notarized our separation agreement.
• Got a half-ass one arm hug and mumble for a goodbye (he personifies cowardly asshat more and more).
• Went and got Subway with my dad and departed from G'ville without any major emotional breakdowns.
• Drove for maybe three hours and decided we had had enough driving for the day.
• Found a hotel with a restaurant and free WiFi (see, I intended to post).
• Ate dinner and fell asleep by 7 p.m. (I know, sad).

Day Two

• After a restless night of me and Dad being awake and asleep, we got up at 5 a.m. and were on the road by 6 a.m.
• We drove all day without anything really worth mentioning... We ate breakfast in Mississippi, didn't really eat lunch, made it into Louisiana before 2 p.m., and decided to haul all the way to Shreveport so we could get a little gambling in.
• Stopped for the night in Bosier City at 3 p.m.
• Gambled for an hour, won almost $50 at the craps table!!
• Ate dinner at the buffet and headed to the room by 6 p.m. We swore we would try to stay awake until 8 p.m. We failed at that attempt.
• Fell asleep before 7 p.m., woke up at 10:30 or so, stayed awake for four hours or so, and fell back asleep until 5:30 or so...

Day Three

• We were on the road again by 6 a.m. with less than 4 hours to get home!!
• Crossing the state line between Texas and Louisiana was emotional for me. It just really sunk in that this was really happening. I know my dad was appreciative that I didn't have any major emotional breakdowns on the trip, but I know he noticed the quiet tears as we crossed the state line.
• Arrived home and spent most of Friday doing nothing--I did help my dad download music for the firs time, went grocery shopping, that was about it.

So, then yesterday we had movers come and rearrange furniture upstairs and help us unload the truck. That took only 2 hours but cost $250... But, we got all my stuff to fit in my room upstairs and in the garage. My folks can still fit both their cars in the garage along with half of my crap!

After the movers were done, my mom helped me start unpacking. It went fairly well. We got all my clothes unpacked and even got my bathroom arranged. We got my new sheets washed to put on my new bed. The deal with the new bed is this, G and I ordered that bed a few months ago but we never slept on it because the box springs wouldn't fit upstairs in our town house, so we were just going to wait until we moved to use the new bed. We put the new sheets on and then mom started ragging on me about my pillows that they were too old and lumpy. She demanded that I pitch my old pillows and use some of her new ones. Then, she moved on to complaining about how dusty my desk was. She sent me to the bathroom to get a wet washcloth to deal with the dust.

Pair all of her nagging with the realization that our new bed was only going to be my new bed and the fact (although I didn't know this yet) that my blood sugar had dropped dangerously low, I had a meltdown at this point. I just started bawling and I couldn't stop. It was one of those cries that gets going so hard you can't really breathe. Well, my mom got bothered that I was crying and yelled at me more. I tried to communicate with her, but I was crying too hard. Luckily she figured out that I had low blood sugar and got me downstairs for some juice. It was pretty ugly though.

My mom is fabulous and my best friend, but she needs to work on her dealing with my tears. Anytime she finds me crying she asks, "Why are you crying?" Often times, the only real reason I am crying is the state of affairs of my life. There isn't always one specific thing that will set me off, and I think it is OK to just cry every once in a while. I understand that it hurts her to see me hurting, but I wish she would just hug my neck and let me cry without asking for an explanation. I talked to her a little bit about this yesterday, and I think she might be better about it in the future. We shall see.

On other fronts, I have a job interview Tuesday. I had applied at a local CC for their journalism department, but last I had heard they had filled the position. Then, literally as Dad and I were just driving out of town, I checked my e-mail on my phone and found an e-mail asking me if I could interview because the person they had hired had flaked on them. This was really symbolic for me. Here I was leaving my husband and my life with no clue as to what my future would hold, and I got an e-mail asking me to interview for a position that will really work well for me! I e-mailed back and fourth with the hiring professor and in the end, she even asked me to be sure and bring my social security card to the interview. How many job interviews require a SS card?? I took that as a good sign.

Then, when I got home, I checked my e-mail and found an e-mail from a big R1 school asking me to interview at an upcoming conference. This is the first time a school has contacted me about interviewing, and I was really excited about this. This too was a sign from God that everything is going to be OK.

So, please send LOTS of positive thoughts and prayers my way on Tuesday that this interview goes well and that I get the job. I still need prayers and positive thoughts that I get through my life drama too, but this is some new stuff worth talking about, and good stuff worth talking about, so I like that!

I hope to post more regularly now that I am a little settled in. I might take some pics of the unpacking process. I am also working on an ode to my dad. He just freaking ROCKS for so many reasons, and I need to write about that. I will also work on being a better commenter.

Oh yeah, one more thing. A friend of mine with whom I worked on my master's has started a blog. Go check her out: Stupid American. She rocks my socks off! Her stuff is often way above my head, but she always makes me think!

Thank you very much for all the support and love. I cannot really explain how much it helps and makes me smile and feel loved. I so appreciate the virtual hugs. I still need lots of hugs, so these really mean a lot to me. Thank you so much!

ttfn

Packing it up

Well, I am leaving in two days. My dad is flying out and will meet me at my house on Wednesday morning. I will have already picked up the moving truck and will hopefully have things loaded by the time he gets here. We are taking a three-day drive home (no one day will require more than 6 hours of driving), and Dad is really trying to do his best to make this drive home an adventure. I know this will be a sad little drive for me, so I appreciate his efforts.

G is so done. It breaks my heart every time we interact. I have asked him for hugs and he refuses. I try to talk to him and he tunes me out. He is just done and that hurts so deeply. I don't know if this is his defense mechanism or his guilt or if he really just hates my guts. I think he wants me to feel like he hates my guts. That is hard to swallow.

I am still worried about him. My mom thinks he is on drugs and until today I totally dismissed that idea. Here is why I say until today... He spends extended periods of time in the bathroom. I know, typical male behavior, but I mean abnormally extended periods of time. He got home from running an errand at 10 p.m. tonight. He immediately went upstairs into the bathroom and stayed there for an hour (not an exaggeration). Mind you, he had already had his post-work bathroom visit. Then, he came downstairs (I had asked him to just sit and watch TV with me). We ordered pizza, waited for it to be delivered, and then ate it. Then, he went upstairs again and was in the bathroom for at least 30 minutes. Then he came back down and took the dog out. Then, he went upstairs and went to the bathroom again (this time only for a few moments)... But, what is going on there?? Is he just hanging out in there to hide from me? I don't think he is using his phone in there because I have listened by the door (yes, I am that sad and pathetic). It is just plain weird. I just think he might be going in there and using drugs of some form (non-smelly drugs). Any ideas or clues? I guess the other option is that he is in there looking at his girly mags and do what men do with girly mags. Regardless, it is weird and I want to know what is going on.

So, I leave in two days to move home. My folks are still being amazing. Being here is quite possibly the hardest thing I have done yet. I say yet because I know I am facing difficult tasks left and right in my future. I hope to post once or twice from the road, so keep your fingers crossed that I can get free Internet access at one of our hotels. Please keep sending prayers, positive thoughts, and hugs my way. I need lots of them!

ttfn

Really cool ultrasound

I had my 11-week checkup on Tuesday. I had my first REALLY cool experience as a mom.

They were supposed to hear the heartbeat, but it was still too early. Instead they did another ultrasound (this is my third so far)!!

This time, the little being actually looked like a human!! It was so cool!! He/She has an identifiable head and legs and stuff. I could really tell what I was looking at on the screen! It was just amazing. As the nurse pushed around with her little scope thingy the baby flipped over a few times, kicked his/her feet, and even rolled over. Oh my God I cannot tell you how amazing that was!!!

I really cannot use enough exclamation points to convey just how cool and exciting this was. It makes me so happy, and I can't really explain it. It is just so wonderful to see this little being inside me and see him/her moving and acting and responding to stimulation. I so cannot wait for being able to feel the movement!

This was such a much-needed bright spot that I will live off of for a while.

So, without further adieu... Here is The Hulk. You can see how the head is on the right in the first two and then on the left in the last one.

Trying to get to the next phase

I have been MIA for a while. Sorry!

So, I spent the week of fourth of July with my family and escaped from my problems for a little while. My crazy Grandma came with my sister and her family so I had to keep my problems on the DL... It was hard work, but it was also really nice to just pretend that I was happily married and that all was well in my world.

Garrett and I talked on the phone and texted and were fairly pleasant with each other that whole week. I really got my hopes up that when I got home home we would work things out.

Then, the Friday night before I came home, we had another MEGA blowout on the phone. It became clear to me again that he had given up on our marriage. It sent me into heartbreak all over again. I was mad at myself for getting my hopes up, but then again who can blame me...

So, I flew home on Tuesday for a doctor's appointment Wednesday. I spoke to G over the weekend to confirm that he was willing to drive the two hours to the airport to pick me up on his birthday. I offered to call friends to see who could pick me up, and I offered to come in on Monday so he wouldn't have to make the drive on his birthday. He said no to both offers. So, on Tuesday about five minutes before I board the plane he texts me saying he doesn't want to pick me up at the airport and how selfish of me to yet again demand he tailor to my every whim and drive all that way on his birthday. Geez. So, I quickly texted everyone I could think of asking anyone who could make the two-hour drive to text G and tell him he needn't pick me up. I had to get on the plane and turn my phone off, so I had no clue who would be picking me up (if anyone).

When I landed and turned my phone back on, luckily, one of my friends had arranged with G to pick me up. Thank God for good friends with flexible jobs! But really, how rude and embarrassing and cowardly for G to back out of picking me up at the last minute. I was pissed. My folks were pissed.

That night, G stayed at work until after midnight (on his birthday and day off--sucks to be him) and texted me at 12:30 to ask if I was in bed yet. I asked him if that was what he was waiting for to come home. He said it was. I tried to go to bed, but I couldn't really sleep. He came home and I was still up so he went straight to his room without speaking to or looking at me. I tried to leave him alone, but my self control sucks, so I went to his room and tried to talk to him. He refused. He kept saying he just wanted to be left alone. He threatened to leave. I told him I deserved at least a face to face conversation. Finally, I said, fine, just look me in the eye and tell me you quit and I will leave you alone. He looked at me and said I quit, so I went to bed.

Needless to say I was (and still am) devastated. I woke up yesterday with a mission in mind. I had a doctor's appointment (which went great), and I had tons of things to do.

I opened a new checking account. I searched for an attorney. I e-mailed back and fourth with G about the division of our assets and liabilities. I was very productive. Today I made an appointment with my new OB. I got boxes to start packing. I found a moving truck at a reasonable price. My dad and I started planning the adventure that will be the two- or three-day drive home.

So, I am leaving. My marriage is over--whether I want it to be or not. I am looking at single motherhood. I am searching for strength and finding it where I least expect it (inside me).

My family is still being a HUGE support (as they always have been and will continue to be). My mom is trying to get my sister to come with her late next week to help me pack up my stuff. My dad is trying to make me excited about the drive home.

I have started searching for a job at home. I still need to talk with my advisor about finishing my dissertation from a distance--including taking my qualifying exams, defending them, and the whole dissertation process--YIKES!

So, God I hope and pray I can transition into the next phase, whatever that phase will be. There are still lots of unanswered questions. There is still much business to take care of.

Thank you for the support I have been getting. Please keep it coming. I know I am MIA in the blogsphere, but I am going to try to get back more often. I tend to retreat and hide when life gets hard, but that is no excuse.

ttfn

Blessings

As I face the very real possibility of a divorce and single-motherhood, I also face a realization that I am very blessed.

Right now I want to focus on the good, so I want to send a very big thank you!!! Thank you so much to the following fabulous women of the blogsphere:

• Mommy Off the Record
• Lara
• Nikki
• Ali
• KD
• Betsy
• Tabba
• Jill B*

**A special thank you to Jill B for posting a whole post about boogers (or oatmeal--yeah, keep telling yourself that it was oatmeal--haha) just to make me smile. I really need to smile a lot these days, so any and all booger (or other gross 4th-grade like substances) stories are appreciated!

You fine women all took the time to send me virtual hugs, and I really need lots of hugs, so I appreciate it.

I really think we are going to divorce. I really think my child is going to grow up with divorced parents. I cannot begin to express the sadness I feel for not only my own loss, but for the loss my child suffers before he or she even gets here.

I really haven't wrapped my head around it all yet. I am still holding out some hope that everything will work out, but that amount of hope gets smaller every day. I am still so torn as to whether to believe he is having an affair. Why won't people who are having affairs just own up to it?? That would make this all a lot easier, I promise. That would hurt, but it would hurt less than this.

Oh, but I am focusing on the positive. So, a little more positive. I am also so blessed because of my family. I cannot imagine facing this without their love and support. My mom and dad have already opened their home to me and my child. My sister is my biggest advocate and she is coaching me to be strong.

She tells me that I do not have to feel ashamed (which I do anyways).

She tells me that I have nothing to be embarrassed about (but I still feel that way).

She tells me that this is not my fault (which I don't totally believe).

She tells me that I am not a failure as a wife (but looking for divorce attorneys tells me otherwise).

She even tells me that someone will love me again and that I will have the chance to prove that I am a good wife, some day (I struggle to believe that too).

She reminds me that I deserve to be happy and that at some point I have to stand up and tell him that I am done (I really can't do that).

My sister has committed to being my birth partner (and here comes more shame and sadness--oh that poor woman in room whatever, she doesn't have a husband. I cried today about how the birthing of a child is supposed to be this fabulous bonding moment between husband and wife and I don't get that).

I know I am lucky to have the strength and love of my family. Especially at this time when I feel more weak and sad than I have ever felt in my life. I was almost smug about how I had never really faced hardship. How's that for a goocher... I am facing hardship. My mom and dad and I cried hard today. They are sad for my loss. They are sad for my baby's loss.

He said he does love me. He also said he has been happier since I have been away. His answer to almost any question is "I don't know."

What is going on??

ttfn

Prayer/Positive Thoughts Request

As I have eluded to in previous posts, things in my world are bad. I wrote a letter to Her Bad Mother's basement, and I decided to post it here as well. I don't mean to bring anybody down, but writing about it helps me in some way--though I don't really know how.

I am afraid I am losing my husband and I am 2 months pregnant. We have been "fussing" for the last few months, but I attributed it to his highly stressful job. Then, all of a sudden, about 2 or 3 weeks ago, he drunkenly confesses that he thinks about killing himself and that he has been unhappy for three months and he thinks it is because of me.

That was bad, it gets worse.

I tried to be more supportive. I tried not to make him walk on eggshells around me (which he claimed he has done as long we have been together). I tried to do more around the house, I tried not to bug him at work. I tried to support him. I also didn't go out with him on a couple of occasions.

My husband rides a motorcycle, so when he goes out for a drink, I ask that he text me when he leaves the bar so I know he is OK driving home. On one of his out occasions without me, he texted me that he was coming home. Over 45 minutes later, he still wasn't home. I drove around looking for him. I called some friends who had been out with him and it turns out he had followed home his best friend, Nikki. Nikki and I used to be friends, but I ended that relationship a few months ago because I thought it wasn't healthy for me or my family. My husband refused to end his friendship with her, saying they work together (true) and that he shouldn't have to get rid of her. But, this particular night, he hadn't mentioned that he was following her home (she also rides a bike and lives in a shady neighborhood so this isn't unusual) and it was taking WAY TOO LONG. When I found him heading from the direction of her house, I met him back at the house. He got IRATE that I questioned his where-abouts. He said he hadn't even gone all the way to her house, but he couldn't explain why it had taken so long. This argument evolved into another tirade of him saying he is so unhappy.

The next day I discover he has called Nikki several times while he was out of our house and I ask him about it and he denies the phone calls. I tell him the cell phone company must have an error and we need to address that.

So then two nights later, he works until 1 a.m. Once home, he left to go to another manager's house (who happens to live one building over from Nikki) house. Interesting thing here was that he took the car, not the bike, so I couldn't go check on him. He stayed out til 5 a.m. When I called and texted he would leave the room and only talked to me alone. I never heard the other manager. He wouldn't let me talk to the other manager on the phone.

When he finally got home at 5 a.m., he tells me he's done. He is tired of me not trusting him and this that and the other. He goes on and on about he is unhappy and how he feels like I don't care and how if I would put as much energy toward our marriage as I do toward questioning Nikki that we would be better. He complains about how I didn't know he was so unhappy (HE NEVER TOLD ME). He says he can't be with a person who doesn't trust him.

I try to express that I want to fix our problems and that I want to contribute to his happiness. I ask for a hug and he refuses. When that happens, I lose my mind. So, at about 4:30 central time (I live in Eastern time), I call my folks and wake them up and spill my guts that they need to come be with me and give me a hug. That is all I want. I was sad and lonely and scared. Here I am pregnant and my husband has just told me he is done (though he won't expand on what that means).

I go to work that day and have a full day. By the evening, my dad has arrived from out of town. As I am packing up a few things to spend the night in the hotel with my dad, G asks me what I am doing. I had not mentioned to him that I had asked my folks to come to town. When I said that I was getting my stuff together to go to dinner and the econolodge with my dad, my husband looked hurt and sad.

He said, "You told you parents?"

I said, "I had to, I needed a hug."

That was about the end of that conversation. He and I texted and talked on the phone over the next three days while I was finishing my work week. During that week, I asked him NOT to hang out with Nikki. He protested, but as far as I can tell, he complied.

Before I left, I asked G if he would sit down and talk with me so we could set some goals for our time apart. He said he didn't think that was a good idea. I asked him if he saw these two weeks as a little time out after which I will return home and we will evaluate our situation. He said that was how he saw it. I don't like that idea at all, but if he won't talk to me, I can't make him.

Then on Friday, I flew home with my dad. While I have been here, I have been looking at our cell phone records to see when and to whom my husband is talking and texting. I find out he has had two late-night almost hour long phone conversations with Nikki. These conversations have happened after he had told me goodnight.

So, yesterday,

I say, "Did you talk on the phone last night?"
G: "No..."
me: "So what about Friday night?"
G: "No..."
me: "Hmmm, so you didn't talk to Nikki on the phone for 45 minutes Friday night/"
G: "I said NO! This is f-ing B.S. I am so not getting into this right now..."
me: "Well, then we need to call the cell phone company because they are showing a 45 minute phone call between you two at about midnight Friday night."
G: "Well I don't know, but I have to go..."

We text back and fourth a bit and he eventually calls me back. He admits that he had in fact had that conversation with her.

So, now I am IRATE. I have finally caught him in a lie. I have had my suspicions about his relationship with her, but he has said time and again that NOTHING is going on there. I really don't think anything physical is going on, and I just can't make him understand that having an emotional relationship with her is still cheating... I am not crazy.

So, we talk back and fourth and I finally lay it out for him. That he has to pick her or me. That I cannot remain married to him if he cannot end his friendship with her. He says he has to think about that.

WHAT?!?! You have to think about that. Oh now I am overwhelmed. So we end that conversation. I send him a text message that basically says this is bull shit and he needs to be a man and face his responsibilities and that he is married to me and that our marriage deserves a chance.

Later that day he texts letting me know he is leaving work and again that he is home. We talked on the phone a few times that evening and it went well. We talked again this morning. It went OK. I mentioned that I would like to schedule a time to have a conversation about our marriage. He again is hesitant. I ask again if he has talked to her. He says he hasn't because he asked her not to call or text him. I believe him because I saw the cell phone records and there were no calls between them.

Over the course of our last conversation today, he keeps saying he just wants to be left alone. He complains that that is the only thing he wants and I can't give him that. So, I give in. I told him that I would give him two days, but that was it. I told him to call me in two days and have something to say. That he needs to know whether he wants our marriage to work in two days or "I am getting my affairs in order."

It is killing me. I miss him terribly. I want to talk to him. I want him to want to talk to me. I don't want to doubt his every action and word. I really don't think he has physically cheated on me, but he makes that harder and harder to believe.

Our child deserves to have two loving parents together. Our child deserves a childhood like the one I had. I am so sad for my child. I don't want my child to look at me someday and ask why Daddy left us... That breaks my heart.

I am also scared out of my mind. I don't want to be a single mother. I am afraid beyond belief of how hard that will be. I am not an alone person. At all. I know that about myself. I am freaking out here. I can't really sleep at night and I am just sick over this. I know I need to not stress because it is bad for the baby, but I am failing at that.

This is so scary. Please think positive thoughts for me. If you pray, please pray that my husband will realize that he loves me and wants to be with only me. Please pray that I will learn how to better carry my weight in this marriage. Please pray that we will learn to face our fears together. Please pray that my husband will learn that he has to make a conscious choice every day to be happy. Please pray that I will not wind up a single mother. Oh dear God, please just pray that this works out. And if you don't pray, just think positive about all these things.

ttfn

Checking in

Well, things have not vastly improved, but I am very appreciative of your support and words of encouragement.

Things got worse early last week, so my dad flew out to keep my company and give me a hug. I cannot express how grateful I am that he did that. It also makes me really sad that my life had gotten so bad that my daddy had to fly far away just to make me feel better. But, so is life, I guess.

On Friday, Dad and I flew home and now I am here. I am gonna kick it here for two weeks and hope that time will help G get his shit together. I don't really know. He wouldn't talk with me before I left, so I don't know what he is hoping to accomplish while I am gone.

I don't know much, really. I am just trying to focus on the baby and staying healthy and not stressing. That not stressing thing is easier said than done, but that is my daily goal--not stressing.

So please think positive thoughts for my family--that we will come out on the other end better for all this drama. I will post again this week with hopefully a positive update. We shall see.

ttfn

A celebration of sorts

Well, I am a craptastic blog friend these days.

Lara (my blog idol) only had one birthday wish and it was for us to celebrate someone else for her birthday.

I haven't done that yet.

As usual, I have an excuse.

Basically, my world is crumbling around me (an no, this is not just pregnancy hormones talking here). I am healthy and the pregnancy is fine, so no worries there. My personal life, on the other hand, is just sucking fabulously. The short short version is that in the last week my husband has told me he is so unhappy he has considered ending his own life, he is just tired of everything, he is afraid I am the source of his unhappiness, and he isn't sure if he wants to remain married to me. I am not ready to really talk about all this right now.

So, seeing as it is 4 a.m. and I am not sleeping (something really important to me and the developing baby inside me, mind you), I was trying to do anything but think and re-think over what all is going on right now. So, I turned to blogs.

I have made it to the Rs in my feed and I had finally been made to smile enough times that I decided I could write my celebration of my blog friends.

Guys, I really needed you tonight. Thank you for making me smile on a day when I wasn't sure I would be able to smile. I wasn't sure if I would smile for some time. But your stories made me smile once or twice.

I have some dark days ahead of me, I am afraid. I will need you guys to make me smile. So thank you!

Lara, I apologize this celebration was so overshadowed by my failures. I will do better for your birthday next year.

ttfn

The Pre-Name

What is in a name?

Her Bad Mother posted about Wonderbaby's nickname (and no, she didn't post about the nickname Wonderbaby... just go check it out). While reading it all I could think about is the nickname my husband has given the being that is growing inside me. So, I was pleasantly surprised when HBM concluded her post with an invitation for the rest of us to write about it.

That HBM is such a trend setter and I am such a follower, so I am going to write about it here.

The Hulk.

The Hulk? you ask.

Yes, The Hulk (capital T capital H).

So, very early in this adventure known as pregnancy, while G was still in the shock and awe phase, I told G we needed to come up with an a-sexual name for referring to the being because I just don't like to refer to him or her as an it. That just isn't cool.

This strange little request is actually a sort of family tradition, sort of. My mom tells a story that when she was pregnant with my sister they called her Bozo while she was in the womb. My grandpa eventually pitched a fit and said they couldn't call the baby that because it just might stick and that wouldn't be fair... Regardless of the fear this might cause my grandpa to roll over in his grave (OK, he doesn't have a grave but maybe I mean his ashes to roll over in the bottom of the lake in which he was spread), I still needed G to help me come up with something better than it.

At this point in time, I really needed to get G on board, and I was hoping that if he named the being for now that it would help him realize that this is exciting and wonderful and that this is really actually happening. So, I said we need a name for now.

He suggested something even more manly than The Hulk at first, but I pooh-poohed that one. So when the next one was The Hulk, I was afraid if I pooh-poohed that one he would stop playing and be even more out of the loop on this crazy baby thing. So I said, sure, The Hulk will work.

So, The Hulk is growing inside me. I really like the nickname. I am concerned if this child turns out to be a girl that The Hulk is really hard to turn into something feminine, but we will figure it out.

Anybody out there pre-name their child? Tell me all about it!!

ttfn

Teaching advice needed

I need some opinions here folks...

I teach an introductory journalism writing class during the summer. During the 2005/2006 school year I was the lecture assistant for this class and taught one lab section. I also taught the lecture and one lab last summer.

As the lecture assistant (the person who traditionally is assigned to teach the course in the summer), I already had access to the 12 lab assignments we used during the regular semester. As the lecture assistant I also had created many of those 12 assignments and had collaborated on any I didn't create entirely on my own. So, my first summer teaching the class I recreated the 11 assignments I chose to use in my version of the class. I adapted the assignments I had already helped to create (or had already created on my own). I did use the supervising professor's grading rubrics so as to ensure consistency. I devoted a GREAT deal of time to prepping the course--all 11 assignments, the 6-week's worth of lectures, the lesson plans to be followed by the lab instructor who was on my team, and the course web site. I am not complaining at all! I loved every minute of it and I am very proud of what I have created. It is my understanding that this is what you do when you teach your own course--PREP the course yourself.

So here is the situation now.

The student assigned to teach the Summer B session of the course was not the lecture assistant last year. She did some political maneuvering and got assigned to teach the class at the cost of the lecture assistant from last year even getting an assignment this summer. Now, she is asking me to help her get ready for her class. I was more than willing to send her my syllabus and my weird Excel sheet that has each day's topic, in-class exercises, assigned readings, and coordinating lab assignment. Now, she has asked me to send her all the assignment sheets for the class. She said she was asking me so she didn't have to bother the supervising professor while she is on vacation.

Now mind you, I didn't get anyone else's assignment sheets other than the ones I earned access to through my time spent as the lecture assistant. She hasn't earned that access. I don't think it is fair for me to just hand over all my course material and save her the trouble of actually prepping the course for which she is getting paid to teach.

Am I being childish or selfish here? Do college instructors share their materials freely with other instructors in their colleges? What is the professional thing to do here?

If I do say no to her, how do I politely say no?

I need help people!! What are your thoughts??

ttfn

Scary

OK, I have really been trying to post something for the last seven days, but I have failed. Yesterday, I was really thinking about why I suddenly didn't have anything to say. I know I have all kinds of things going on in my life, but I just seem blog-stipated so to speak.

Why?

Well, I think some of it is that I am scared to death. To be completely honest, this whole becoming a mom thing is really freaking me out. I know we were trying to get pregnant and all, but now I am just kind of freaking out. I really hope it is all the hormones or something...

Maybe if I write about some of these probably irrational fears, I will feel better. I know everyone is scared about becoming a mom, but I just feel really ill prepared and unqualified for the most important job in existence. I have never really had to do anything hard in life. This is going to be really really hard. I know that. I also know that knowing that will help. But I feel like I need more tools. I need to read more books, I need to take more classes, I need an internship or something!

I never babysat and I was the youngest child, so I am fairly clueless. I am mostly clueless about the newborn stage.

For example, I have no clue how to give a newborn baby a bath. And when do you give them a bath, is there a waiting period? Do you have to wait a certain number of days? Do the doctors tell you this? And do babies get baths every day like grown ups? I don't remember my sister giving her new babies a bath every single day, so what is the rotation?

And what about breastfeeding? I have read all about purple cracked nipples and how horrible it is and how much it hurts and how it isn't easy and how you don't get in a groove with it until several weeks into the deal... But, my sister has said it has always been fairly easy for her. I even asked her about the cracked and purple nipples and she said this didn't happen to her. So this bad stuff doesn't happen to everybody? Is there anything I can do to prevent it? I know this is going to sound horrible, but even still, breastfeeding really does just gross me out, so I am really counting on there being some maternal instinct take over after birth that allows me to share that bond with my child...

OK, so those are my two biggies I guess. I know I will figure out a lot of it. I do know that, but I am not used to being totally clueless and it is a feeling I don't enjoy. From what I hear, it is something I will have to get used to as a Mom. Is that true?

On to pregnancy questions... I am just plum wore out these days. Now mind you, I am generally a kind of pokey sleepy kind of person--not real high energy... But this is out of control. I think I could sleep 18 hours a day if not more. I wake up, go to work, work for a while, go home and take a nap, go back to work for a little while, go home, eat dinner, fall back asleep fairly easily. It is just crazy. And don't even ask about days when I don't work. I just snooze and drink water and diet 7up and occasionally snack and go back to snoozing or kickin' it on the couch.

This is so not working for my research agenda.

I HAVE to write my prospectus for my dissertation before July 10 or so. I also have to prepare for quals. My goal for the last two weeks has been to write my damn method section. Now I am really going to get in gear and get it written this week. If it kills me.

It really might kill me.

I am struggling on a few fronts. I have not totally decided which theoretical questions I will address and how many I can address with the experiments I already conducted. My most fabulous research partner and savior sent me a list of theories she thought might apply to the questions I used in my experiments. Now, I have to go through and decide what I do and don't want to use. I don't know how wide or narrow of a net to cast. My advisor (although I haven't gotten much advice) has said to reign it in, so I am trying to remember to do that. But, this is important to me, and I don't want to half-ass it. I feel like only addressing one or two theories might be half-assing it. I think I am going to have to work a little bit on the lit review before I complete the method section, and I DETEST (and that word really isn't strong enough) literature reviews. I know that is horrible, but it is true. I don't know...

And, my mom is totally on my ass now about getting this thing DONE and done quickly. She asks me every time I talk to her (which is at least once a day) how much I have written on my "paper." First, this is so much bigger than a paper that it is really annoying when she calls it just a paper. Second, I know she means well, but it is annoying. Third, now she has enlisted other family members to ask how much I have written on my "paper" every time they talk to me.

Can you say annoying???

On the flip side of that, my most awesome research partner and savior is actually helping to motivate me by asking me questions about it and reminding me that I am actually excited to conduct research. She so rocks my socks off. She needs to blog (she used to blog, but gave it up. I hope she returns--hint hint). So, hopefully I can post some form of updates here about what I am (or am not) getting accomplished.

So, now that I have gotten off my chest some of my irrational fears and my stressors, I hope to return to a somewhat regular posting schedule. Hopefully yall knew I hadn't dropped off the face of the planet because I was still commenting.

Speaking of commenting, I found a blogger whom I MUST recommend, she is just a freaking rock star. Go check out Mommy Off the Record. She is pretty darn cool!

OK, I hope to post again tomorrow. I have missed writing and I hope you guys have missed me too! Oh, and please add to your prayer list (or positive thinking list or whatever you do) that I continue to not throw up. Just ask once a day for me, please!! I am really hopeful I continue on this path of not throwing up because I really hate throwing up more than the normal person hates it. Plus, it could screw with my diabetes. I really need to NOT throw up, so just add that to your wish list for me, please and thank you!!

ttfn

Teaching and other stuff

So an update is so long overdue. I know most of you understand that my head is swimming in about a thousand other directions, but after a week of having the knowledge that I am actually growing a real human being inside me, I think it is time to sit down and let you folks know how I have been...

So, first let me tell you a little bit about my teaching. (haha I know you want preggo details, but I will get to that)

I think students who take classes in the first summer session are not as go-getter-ish as those who take classes in the second summer session. I do realize that my class is at 8 in the morning. They seem really pissed to be there at that hour. I am fairly pissed to be there at that hour, but I deal with it, and I don't think it is unreasonable to expect them to deal with it a little better!

Of my 50 or so students, 20 of them seem great, 20 of them seem to suck at life, and the other 20 are somewhere in between. They are learning though, and that makes me happy. They have now submitted 5 writing assignments. They turned in their first into essay and a resume and cover letter. Then, the media writing started.

Their first assignment was two brief news stories with no direct quotes taken from a hypothetical police report. They also had the opportunity to write a practice news story. Those were not bad at all. Some students actually wrote strong summary leads and used the inverted pyramid to organize the information from most important to least important. I was pleased overall.

Their second assignment was a brief news story with information from a "police report" as well as direct quotes from an interview (all info is provided to them on a fact sheet). Some students did even better on those than the first assignment. A few students regressed. Overall, though, I still feel good about their progress. I think they have a basic understanding of the basic news story. They understand how to attribute information. They get it that a fact sheet cannot speak and therefore they must use according to. They see how quotes provide a voice for the story. I am pretty pleased.

Today they had to write a soft lead and follow the feature style for the first time. I saw some really awesome soft leads as I looked over their shoulders in lab today. I also saw some really crappy ones, but soft leads are tough. I don't hold them to really harsh standards on their first try. I am really hopeful that they were able to take hypothetical notes from two interviews and create a story that is interesting and engaging. The only real bummer of today was that two of my best students were not there. One of them e-mailed me before class saying he was sick. The other one sent nothing, so I hope she hasn't dropped. I am letting the guy make it up but I am not sure what to do about the girl... I will probably have to decide that tomorrow.

And then the only other thing worth mentioning about my students right now is the two bad seeds I have seen so far. I think I weeded one out! So, before the semester started, my TA looked over the roster and told me that one of my lab students was in her lab last semester and was a real pain in the bootay. I kind of shrugged it off as problem students for others are something I can usually handle.

Wow was I wrong with this girl.

She had such a piss pore attitude and oooozed entitlement issues. She dropped the class last semester because she had her tonsils out but didn't go through the correct channels to make up her work and so when push came to shove she was going to make a bad grade in the class. She even got her mother involved in the fray!

Her Mother!

So, when she shows up into my class, she gives me this whole song and dance about how she got screwed last semester and how she was making an A up to Lab 7, so she didn't really see the point to participating until we get to the point she hasn't done... Give me a damn break. I very politely tell the student that she has a great opportunity to build upon the strong foundation she already has and because I am a different instructor and that this is a new class she will need to approach it as such--blah blah blah.

She missed at least half of the classes in the first two weeks, showed up late if she showed up at all, and was generally a pain in the ass when she was there. Luckily, she did very poorly on the first graded lab and didn't show up after that.

I don't like it that I am happy she is gone, but I am. I just don't like students who won't help themselves. I have LOTS of students who had to drop the class the previous semester. I am usually very successful with those students. I just don't feel like I owe any one student more than another. I give a lot to my students. I see my classroom as a family environment in which I will give 100% and I expect the same from my kids. If we all work really hard together, we will all come out better on the other side.

So that was my really bad seed. Then there was the asshat (thank you to whoever uses that term regularly in your blog. I can't for the life of me figure out who it is. If it is you, please speak up because it is kind of driving me crazy.) from the back of the room.

So I am in the middle of my lecture. I am randomly calling on students to participate. I got tired of the same five girls (whom I adore) in the front answering every question, so I start calling on the kids in the back. One young man looks kind of out of it, but he answered my question and seemed like he was tuned in.

But.

But, he had one of those blue-tooth ear pieces in his ear. I couldn't help myself, so I had to ask why.

Me: "Are you waiting on an important phone call?"
AssHat: "Uh... No, I, uh, am listening to music."
Me: (a little stunned) "In my class?!?" (pause for effect) "NICE" "So, a strong lead is one that draws the reader into the story and summarizes the most important aspect of the news..."

I am still unsure if I handled that the right way. He seemed only mildly embarrassed, but he hasn't had his big blue tooth thing in his ear since (although I do suspect he has had a smaller earbud type thing in his ear since then).

As a college instructor, what are my options here?? Do I ignore it? Do I kick his sorry butt out of my class? Do I demand he pay attention? Do I do nothing? I wasn't sure here.

But, other than those two doozies, I think this group is growing on me. I feel a little bad for them in that I have been mildly distracted by my new state... I think I am getting it together and will overcome last week's general craziness.

So, my new state. Okay, I admit it, I just am not ready to write all that much about it... But I will. Soon. Just a tease for now, when I do write I will talk about:

• my mom and how she is trying to help me be emotionally and mentally prepared should I miscarry... her way of doing this is by being somewhat distant about the little being inside me, calling it a group of cells, saying things like that baby isn't yours until it is here... more on that later.
• my husband and his so-called shock and awe phase and how it is lasting way too long for my taste.
• these weird cramps that I suspect are related to gas or poop but might not be so they still scare the crap out of me
• how annoyed I am that I don't get to see a doctor until June 21
• my general confusion with the gestational calendar week thingy... I think I am now in week 6, but the baby was only conceived like 3 weeks ago or so...
• how I am going to handle the dissertation and telling my advisor and what this means to my fellowship
• my general fears like how I don't even know how to bathe a baby... I can learn a lot of things from books, but I have GOT to find a class to learn some of the basics. I never babysat people. I am clueless! I am so afraid I will suck at this! But, at the same time, I am excited and certain I will figure it all out...

Ok, that will be another really long blog. I tried the short thing, I suck at it. Another long one will come soon. I hope to be able to talk about a few of these things in the near future. I see the endocrinologist tomorrow and the OB nurse Thursday... I will have news after those appointments I am sure.

ttfn

16 things about me

Okay, I have been tagged twice in one week!! I feel so loved. I still do promise a real post is coming soon. Probably tonight. I still haven’t gotten my head totally wrapped around my new life, and while I know writing about it will help, I am still waiting. But I am going to try tonight.

So, thanks to Jill at So Anyways for tagging me.

Here we go:

16 Random Things About ffbgirl's Growing Up Experiences

1. I was voted on… What I mean by that is that my sister (then 4 or 5 years old) and my dad say my mom down and said we want a little brother. They took a family vote, (I always joke that mom lost—haha) and 9 months later they got ME! My dad swears that he wanted a boy until he got to the hospital and saw the daddies with their little girls and he changed his mind—good thing!

2. We lived in Yukon, Okla., when I was born. That is the home town to none other than Garth Brooks. I think that is Yukon’s only claim to fame.

3. We moved to Bedford, Texas, when I was 2 ½. I only remember living in Texas, obviously, but I sure am glad we moved there! My mom took me everywhere with her—weekly breakfast with the neighbors, bridge, bowling, grocery shopping… We were buds!

4. I met my best friends, Shannon and Amy, in Daisy Scouts in kindergarten. Their mom was our troop leader. These two girls made (and still make) me feel like a million bucks! They are the greatest friends a girl could ask for! They were my friends when no one else wanted to be, and I am forever grateful for that!

5. This one is less fun, but true… In my grade school they didn’t have cooties, they had “Abby germs.” That was no fun at all!

6. When I was in first grade or so, I saved my sister’s life. We were roller skating in the neighborhood. Sally rolled down the driveway and fell. Hard. And stopped her fall with her wrist. She fell down, she cried, I freaked. But I ran across the street and knocked on the door of our nurse neighbor. The neighbor helped Sally and I have forever in my heart known that I saved her life.

7. I had fashion courage growing up. What that really means is that I wore whatever my mom and sister said looked cool. And what they said looked cool was not always the same thing kids in my grade thought were cool. I wore really cool psychedelic stretch pants. I had bell-bottoms before they came into fashion. I had this really awesome vest my mom brought back from SoHo. I loved all this. The kids at school didn’t so much.

8. I took dance lessons from first through sixth grade. I still can’t keep the beat or demonstrate any sense of rhythm.

9. I didn’t learn how to swim until the summer after first grade. The only reason I finally learned then was because my family was going to Cancun and my mom said I couldn’t go if I didn’t learn how to swim. Then, when we got there, I couldn’t even go in the ocean because of rip tides. But man I had fun in the hotel pool! m.

10. I was in Odyssey of the Mind in sixth grade. That was actually a ton of fun! We designed a “vehicle” that was self propelled and then we made up a skit about being in the future and how this vehicle worked in the future.

11. I was obsessed with the Babysitter’s Club books when I was a kid. It really paid off when I found out I was diabetic at age 13. One of the main characters, Stacey McGill, the treasurer, the one from New York, was diabetic. One entire book (maybe No.11) was about when she found out she was diabetic, what the symptoms were, how she dealt with it, and how it was all OK. I was fairly informed about the disease when I encountered it in real life, so it wasn’t as scary as it might have otherwise been.

12. Shannon, Amy (the twins I mentioned above), Shelley (my other best friend), and I spent about two weeks every summer at my grandma’s house from the time we were 8 or 9 until we were 15. It was always a ton of fun. Plus, my cousin is two years younger than us, but he always played on a baseball team with boys who were only one year younger than us… This meant we were always surrounded by LOTS of boys, and we loved that!

13. One of those summers we wrecked the golf cart. OK, let me be more honest, we wrecked that cart several summers, but one particular summer we actually got found out that we had wrecked it. We were so cute that we didn’t really get in much trouble, but my grandma loves to bring it up and bitch about it all the time…

14. My first car was a 1994 Ford Escort. It was mauve. My friends all called it pink. It was five speed and I loved it. It served me well until I rear-ended someone my senior year, then I got my honda. My honda was also fabulous. That sucker served me really well. I drove that thing to death. Literally. I wrecked that car last labor day. Now I have a POS that I am trying to sell. Anyone looking for a cheap POS??

15. I had braces. Twice. Who has braes twice?? The first time was during fourth grade and it was just on my top front four teeth. They were trying to pull those four closer together so as to make room for two more teeth I guess I really needed—haha. Then I survived an expander—yuck—and a lip bumper. This weird little device kept my bottom lip from pushing my bottom teeth in. Then, when all that was done, I got braces. Again. This time they were the real deal, all the way across, top and bottom. I was pretty lucky, though, I got done with them by ninth grade!

16. I wanted to try out for cheerleading, but my mom wouldn’t let me. Later in life she told me she knew the other kids would make fun of me so she prevented that from happening. My mom is freaking awesome!

Oh, I tag jitta and kilgore trout, and welcome YOU to join in the fun, too.

ttfn

I'm it

Okay, I realize anyone reading my blog is waiting for an actual post and update on my now very exciting life. I promise, it's coming. My head is still spinning and I just haven't been able to sit down and write about it all, but I promise I will.

I swear.

Very soon!

In the mean time, I have been tagged for the first time ever to do a meme. While I know I have done lots of memes, I have never actually been tagged! Thanks Lara, for popping my tag cherry!

So here goes:

So here I give you my list of 4's.

4 jobs I have held:
1. YMCA desk attendant
2. Old Navy and Gap cashier and customer service person (I don’t really know what my title was when I walked around and helped people find their sizes and what not)
3. Waitress at Eskimo Joe’s
4. Teacher (the best job I could have ever dreamed of having!!)


4 movies I can watch over and over:
1. The American President (Lara, I am keeping that one there, I LOVE THAT MOVIE!!)
2. Pretty Woman – Is it wrong that that was my favorite movie at age 8??
3. Cinderella – Gus Gus is so one of my favorite movie characters of all time!
4. Any of the three American Pie flicks (especially American Wedding – who else cried at “Nadia, I am the band geek, I just never joined the band.” ? That is quite possibly the best movie line EVER!)

4 places I have lived:
1. Bedford, Texas, from age 2 to 18
2. Fort Worth, Texas, for those years at Texas Christian University
3. Stillwater, Oklahoma, for those years at Oklahoma State University and the best years of my life—SO FAR (I have a feeling some really great ones are coming!!!)
4. Gainesville, Florida, for these years at National Champ U, I mean University of Florida


4 Categories of TV programming I enjoy:
1. Competition reality shows on Bravo (I even watched Top Designer and I am so NOT an interior design kind of person)
2. Cheesey, aimed-at-14-year-old-girl-shows on WB (now CW) like Seventh Heaven, Gilmore Girls, One Tree Hill, Reba, What I like About You, and Twins (where did that show go, I loved it!)
3. Cop shows (this is a new addition to my repertoire) like CSI Miami and Law and Order SVU… I think I only really like the spin offs, not the originals
4. What category is Grey’s Anatomy? That category. I am so hopeful about Kate Walsh’s new show!! Is Ugly Betty in the same category?


4 Places I have been on Holiday:
1. Stillwater, Oklahoma, is where I have spent the most holidays and vacations in my life.
2. Las Vegas baby!! That’s where I spent my honeymoon.
3. Alberta Creek, Durant, Oklahoma, is where my family owns a trailer at a fishing “resort” (only in Oklahoma do trailer and resort go in the same sentence) and where we go every year for a family fishing trip. I love that trip.
4. Daytona Beach, Florida. Bike Week and Biketoberfest were holidays. I won’t be doing bike holidays any more, but I am just not that sad about that!


4 of my Favorite Dishes:
1. Hamburger stroganoff
2. McDonald’s No. 1—big mac and fries w/a large diet coke – is that really a dish?
3. Chicken broccoli rice cheese casserole (Stouffer’s frozen version is best)
4. Soup (while a rather general “dish,” this is, I think, my favorite category of food)
**I feel compelled to point out the obvious here, I have really white-trash taste in food and this proves it!


4 websites I visit daily:
1. Gmail – duh (another one I have to steal from Lara)
2. Web CT for the class I am teaching
3. Myspace and Facebook
4. Since Wednesday and probably for the next 35 weeks, babycenter.com!!!


4 places I would rather be right now:
1. In Stillwater celebrating with friends and family (can you tell I REALLY love that place??)
2. In Bedford celebrating with family and friends
3. In Houma, Louisiana, celebrating with family and friends
4. Snuggling with the daddy-to-be (he’s at work)


4 other blogger buddies to do this meme:
1. Ali at Cheaper than Therapy (Ali might not know I exist, but I am tagging her none-the-less)
2. Mrs. Chili at A Teacher’s Education (another one who might not read my blog, but I love reading hers)
3. Nikki at Now What the Hell do I do? (I am hoping she will send me some new mom advice, and I at least think she reads here occasionally…)
4. Labor Nurse at The Life and Times of a Labor Nurse (not I really don’t think she knows I exist, but I really like her blog and I really want info from her over the next 35 weeks so here’s a selfish tag if I have ever seen one).
**Another thing I have to point out here, I LOVE the women who share their lives and let me read their blogs. I love them so much that even though most of them don't even know I exist, I consider them my bloggy friends. Is that weird?


And, yes, a real post is coming soon! I swear!

ttfn

HOLY COW!!!

WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!

Very few people actually know, but I am excited so I just had to share with my bloggy pals!! It is SOOOOO early and I shouldn't even be telling anyone yet, but I can't keep a secret for crap.

My Town

I wasn't tagged for this, but I volunteered for this one. I am not going to tag anyone either (mainly because I have no confidence that more than three people regularly read this thing), but I would LOVE IT if anyone who wants to will play too. Consider it a birthday present to me (that's right, my big fabulous wonderful birthday is Monday--the 21st! woo-hoo I love my birthday... oh right, meme)...

The Rules:

Add a direct link to your post below the name of the person who tagged you. Include the state and country you’re in.

List out your top 5 favorite places to eat at your location (locally).

Tag 5 other people (preferably from other countries/states) and let them know they’ve been tagged.

My 5 favorite places to eat locally:

1.) Harry's. This fabulous little Cajun/seafood joint is pretty darned great! I will say it can be pricey, but it is usually worth it. My hubbie just dies for their jambalaya, and I am pretty fond of the etoufe (crawfish is best). The good news is, there are very few things we have eaten there that weren't great. And we eat there almost once a week, so we have tried a lot of things! It is fairly casual, the waitstaff is generally great, and it has prime-time location--next to Lillian's Music Store, my favorite bar these days!

2.) Dragonfly Sushi. This grand sushi place lives up to all the hype! This is another one that can be pricey, but if you play your cards right, it doesn't have to be. This place's whole gig (so they say) is to encourage sharing and family-style dining. So, the key here is for each person to pick just one or two things off the menu and for everyone to share share share! I highly recommend the Fire Me Up Wasabi Role, Gator Role, Crunch Role, and their cooked food isn't bad either! D'Fly also has prime location in Downtown, so that's pretty nice too!

3.) Conestoga's. Now this is actually in the next town over, but it is worth the drive! This is a great little country dining experience. You can get liver'n'onions (I refuse to do so, but for those who dig that yuk, I hear it's good), fried catfish, big'ol baked potatoes, sandwiches, burgers, and one of the best steaks I have had at a non-steakhouse kind of place... What I mean by that is that my mom and dad did a terrible thing to me and took me to lots of fancy (expensive) steak houses while I was growing up. I only ate fillet before I met my husband (and really still try to stick to that rule), and I only ate it at the kind of steak houses where your steak comes ala carte. So this little country bumkin kind of place didn't seem like the steak place for me, but man am I glad I took a chance and ordered the tenderfoot. It was spectacular!! Bottom line, it's all good there!

4.) Ashley's Pub. Here's the great thing about this place. You can get pub food or tex-mex! I am sure most of you are puzzled at this point, I know it sounds strange. But, when you are a tex-mex addict (which I am) and you are married to a man who detests tex-mex (but loves a great burger), this place is just too great! The only real downside to the place is that you have to pay for chips and salsa, which I think is a crock, but other than that the prices aren't bad, the food's always good, and the staff is friendly and accommodating. And did I mention peach margies?? Oh yeah, they have fabulous flavored margies (on the rocks, though). They also serve regular margies in the hugest glass/punch bowl thing I have ever seen. It comes with a ladle. I am all about mexican food and booze!

5.) **WARNING**OK, this last one is not actually in my town. It is in the town in which I used to live. I include it here for many reasons. If you get the chance to check this place out, consider yourself lucky!
Eskimo Joe's. I don't actually recommend this place because of the food, because the food just isn't all that great. I recommend this place because of the sentimental value it holds for me and so many other OSU alum. I will say their cheese fries (within the first five minutes of arrival at the table) are fabulous--so fabulous in fact that Barbara Bush made Bush Sr. endorse them while he was in office... The other thing you have to eat while at Joe's is a Little Joe. Now all of their burgers are actually great, so you can't go wrong with a burger. But, the Little Joe is a hangover cure in a sac. It is about the size of a McDonald's hamburger, it comes with MOP--mustard, onions (grilled into the patty), and pickles. You can get cheese. It is a very simple little classic. They are grilled on a flat grill (so no yucky flame broiled goo) and they are just great. It might take two or three to really kill the hangover, but they hold a special place in my heart.

Previous players:

Nicole (Sydney, Australia)

Velverse (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia)

LB (San Giovanni in Marignano, Italy)

Selba (Jakarta, Indonesia)

Olivia (London, England)

ML (Utah, USA)

J (California, USA)

CuriosityKiller (Hong Kong, SAR)

Shelli (Minnesota, USA)

Bluepaintred (Saskatchewan, Canada)

Avitable (Florida, USA)

Amy (California, USA)

Luin (New York, USA)

Tense Teacher (Mississippi, USA)

ffbgirl (Florida, USA)

ttfn

p.s., I am starving now!!

Much love to Tense Teacher for this fun little meme!