Scary

OK, I have really been trying to post something for the last seven days, but I have failed. Yesterday, I was really thinking about why I suddenly didn't have anything to say. I know I have all kinds of things going on in my life, but I just seem blog-stipated so to speak.

Why?

Well, I think some of it is that I am scared to death. To be completely honest, this whole becoming a mom thing is really freaking me out. I know we were trying to get pregnant and all, but now I am just kind of freaking out. I really hope it is all the hormones or something...

Maybe if I write about some of these probably irrational fears, I will feel better. I know everyone is scared about becoming a mom, but I just feel really ill prepared and unqualified for the most important job in existence. I have never really had to do anything hard in life. This is going to be really really hard. I know that. I also know that knowing that will help. But I feel like I need more tools. I need to read more books, I need to take more classes, I need an internship or something!

I never babysat and I was the youngest child, so I am fairly clueless. I am mostly clueless about the newborn stage.

For example, I have no clue how to give a newborn baby a bath. And when do you give them a bath, is there a waiting period? Do you have to wait a certain number of days? Do the doctors tell you this? And do babies get baths every day like grown ups? I don't remember my sister giving her new babies a bath every single day, so what is the rotation?

And what about breastfeeding? I have read all about purple cracked nipples and how horrible it is and how much it hurts and how it isn't easy and how you don't get in a groove with it until several weeks into the deal... But, my sister has said it has always been fairly easy for her. I even asked her about the cracked and purple nipples and she said this didn't happen to her. So this bad stuff doesn't happen to everybody? Is there anything I can do to prevent it? I know this is going to sound horrible, but even still, breastfeeding really does just gross me out, so I am really counting on there being some maternal instinct take over after birth that allows me to share that bond with my child...

OK, so those are my two biggies I guess. I know I will figure out a lot of it. I do know that, but I am not used to being totally clueless and it is a feeling I don't enjoy. From what I hear, it is something I will have to get used to as a Mom. Is that true?

On to pregnancy questions... I am just plum wore out these days. Now mind you, I am generally a kind of pokey sleepy kind of person--not real high energy... But this is out of control. I think I could sleep 18 hours a day if not more. I wake up, go to work, work for a while, go home and take a nap, go back to work for a little while, go home, eat dinner, fall back asleep fairly easily. It is just crazy. And don't even ask about days when I don't work. I just snooze and drink water and diet 7up and occasionally snack and go back to snoozing or kickin' it on the couch.

This is so not working for my research agenda.

I HAVE to write my prospectus for my dissertation before July 10 or so. I also have to prepare for quals. My goal for the last two weeks has been to write my damn method section. Now I am really going to get in gear and get it written this week. If it kills me.

It really might kill me.

I am struggling on a few fronts. I have not totally decided which theoretical questions I will address and how many I can address with the experiments I already conducted. My most fabulous research partner and savior sent me a list of theories she thought might apply to the questions I used in my experiments. Now, I have to go through and decide what I do and don't want to use. I don't know how wide or narrow of a net to cast. My advisor (although I haven't gotten much advice) has said to reign it in, so I am trying to remember to do that. But, this is important to me, and I don't want to half-ass it. I feel like only addressing one or two theories might be half-assing it. I think I am going to have to work a little bit on the lit review before I complete the method section, and I DETEST (and that word really isn't strong enough) literature reviews. I know that is horrible, but it is true. I don't know...

And, my mom is totally on my ass now about getting this thing DONE and done quickly. She asks me every time I talk to her (which is at least once a day) how much I have written on my "paper." First, this is so much bigger than a paper that it is really annoying when she calls it just a paper. Second, I know she means well, but it is annoying. Third, now she has enlisted other family members to ask how much I have written on my "paper" every time they talk to me.

Can you say annoying???

On the flip side of that, my most awesome research partner and savior is actually helping to motivate me by asking me questions about it and reminding me that I am actually excited to conduct research. She so rocks my socks off. She needs to blog (she used to blog, but gave it up. I hope she returns--hint hint). So, hopefully I can post some form of updates here about what I am (or am not) getting accomplished.

So, now that I have gotten off my chest some of my irrational fears and my stressors, I hope to return to a somewhat regular posting schedule. Hopefully yall knew I hadn't dropped off the face of the planet because I was still commenting.

Speaking of commenting, I found a blogger whom I MUST recommend, she is just a freaking rock star. Go check out Mommy Off the Record. She is pretty darn cool!

OK, I hope to post again tomorrow. I have missed writing and I hope you guys have missed me too! Oh, and please add to your prayer list (or positive thinking list or whatever you do) that I continue to not throw up. Just ask once a day for me, please!! I am really hopeful I continue on this path of not throwing up because I really hate throwing up more than the normal person hates it. Plus, it could screw with my diabetes. I really need to NOT throw up, so just add that to your wish list for me, please and thank you!!

ttfn

Trying

OK. I can't believe I am going to type what I am about to type. That might make it feel really really real. I am actually literally nervous to type it out because then it is something more than a casual maybe iffee we will see kind of thing.

We. Are.Trying.

To get pregnant.

I can't believe it. I have spent the last almost ten years of my life trying to avoid getting pregnant. I used to make conversations about how sex would change if it were being performed for the purpose of procreation.

You wanna' know the really bad part? It took a conversation with my mom and her telling me she is ok with it before I was totally ok with it. I know my sister would just have a hey-day with that. I know I didn't need my mother's permission, but I feel much better now that I have it.

So I have quit smoking... I don't know if you can ever actually quit smoking, but I have stopped smoking. It was a hell of a lot easier than I expected, and I think that was because it wasn't for me. It was for my someday kiddo. They are way more important than smoking. I haven't completely quit drinking, I still have a cocktail every now and again and of course I drank at the bike weekend, but I have already cut back and as we progress that will go away too. This is only the second month I have been off birth control.

G is actually on board too. I thought it would take him longer to get OK with it, but he said he is OK. Last month I was off birth control by accident, but this month was a conscious choice made by both me and G. I happen to know I am ovulating right now, but I didn't share that with G... I am afraid if I tell him that much detail it will freak him out and make it too weird. I think this should just be fun and free for him. I can do the worrying for now. If this takes too long, then he can worry about some of the details with me, but for now, he just needs to enjoy.

So, any advice?? Should I start taking prenatal vitamins? Should I take fertility vitamins? Right now is the really casual not preventing stage... How long should we be in this stage before we move to a more serious stage of actively trying to get pregnant?

Also, I want to thank you bloggers. It is through reading from other mothers who were in the process of the Ph.D. that I finally decided I wasn't crazy to want this now. I have read about other women who could do this, so I think we can do it too. Maybe I am crazy, but I figure no one is completely ready, so why wait. I am really excited.

I even went online last night to look at a fertility calendar. That felt weird to do. Any other times I have thought about fertility was for the purpose of thinking about NOT getting pregnant. I even read about tips for increasing your chances to get pregnant. At other times in my life when I read those tips I would have done everything in my power to do the exact opposite. Lie with your hips up for 20 to 30 minutes after, huh... Before I would have analyzed that and figured out how to do the exact opposite, but not any more and that is a freeing feeling.

So I might not be able to blog about this much, I am just not sure... I hope that the trying part won't last too long. I am quite possibly the most impatient person alive, so you might read a lot about me getting tired of waiting. Oh well... I really want anyone who reads this and has some advice to share it. This isn't something I foresee myself talking about with people in the real world, so my people out in the blog world will be all I have. I hope to hear from you soon!!

ttfn

Blog Roll

Check it out!!! I figured out how to list the blogs to which I subscribe!!! These blogs are fabulous! I stumbled onto most of them through the blog rolls of others. If you read me and you have a blog and you aren't on my list, leave a comment and I will read you too!! Sounds like a plan to me!

ttfn

Well hello there

So I have been inspired by The Atomic Tumor and his impressive writing ability in a time of great sadness, so let's see how this goes. I stumbled upon the mommy blog phenomenon and WOW. I am really afraid my life is far too boring to compare to that of mothers, but I think this could be a good outlet. It might also make me strive to accomplish something worth writing about every day.

-

Today was rather uneventful, but reading the mommy blogs really reminded me how badly I want to become a mommy (as you see, I am making strides to become a blogger--not a mommy right now). I know I am a Ph.D. student and we make just a little money and we have motorcycle payments, among many other bills. But who has the money to have a baby when they have one? I don't know. I go thru this quite regularly and I think that is God's way of saying to do it. I know my husband is looking out for my best interests when he says we should wait (until I graduate, until I have a job, until we have money), but I am so afraid that as a diabetic if I wait too long--being diabetic and all--I will lose this chance for us. I just don't want to risk that. And I am quite sure we can handle whatever God sends our way...

On another unrelated note, I am in the playoffs in both of my fantasy football leagues! Woo-hoo! In the Gator Club I went undefeated thru 11 games, lost one and then won the final game, so I have a first round bye. I am hoping that give McGahee the time to heal a little more, time for me to figure out which QB to start--Hasselback, Rivers, or Rothlesberger (I know, my spelling sucks)... I picked up Gramattica--I am proud of that one--but Witten is my TE and he is hit and miss. I am really trying to stay positive and just have fun in this league, but it is much harder than in Lils league.

See in that one, I almost missed the playoffs after starting the season 0 and 4 or 5... Then my team started coming together. Keep in mind I had the first round draft pick in both leagues (picked up LJ in lils, LT in Gator), so waiting 4 or 5 games for a win was painful. This week it looks like I might have to play one of the strongest teams in the league--the team who has the bears defense... And that is one place I am struggling. I have the Cowboys and the Broncos and neither team is desireable this week--Broncos play Chargers (LT will run all over that defense) and Cowboys play Saints (they have one of the best offenses in the league)... I just really want to beat this guy--he is one of those guys who was probably a fat kid who got picked on alot, then he got to college and figured out that being big (not so much fat) can be a good thing at this age and that people will not openly make fun of him anymore... This caused him to become deep down a really good guy, but on the surface an a-hole with ego issues. I swear I have heard him say things about being a bartender at a certain bar in town makes him a pimp. Get over yourself. And he's all of a sudden a Bears fan. I am not sure this is genuine or not. But, I beat him in the regular season by sheer luck and I really want to do it again.

I have a good team--Carson Palmer (whom I got in a trade for Warrick Dunn--I got the better end of that deal), LJ, Addai (although I am debating starting Tatum Bell or Cedric Houston (NYJ)), Anquan Boldin, Roy Williams, Laverneus Coles (I might start Marty Booker instead of Williams), Witten in this league too, Gramatica here too, Cowboys or Broncos defense... Not a bad team at all. They can blow up--I got 225 or so points in week 12... But I am deeply competitive and I really want to win!

-

So the hubby and I may go on a toy ride this weekend or to a swap meet... I am just not really into swap meets, so I am hoping for the toy ride. If the weather is good, all we need is a new toy, we are "doing good" and we get to ride??? I'll take it.

I am so surprised by how much I enjoy riding the motorcycle. It is about the only time I have noticed enjoying the out of doors. It is just nice quiet time where I still feel like G and I are together and bonding, but I know I am not bugging him. I often worry about bugging him, but that's for another day.

-

So that will do it for this one. I hope I can do this regularly. I hope if anyone actually reads this that they find it interesting or entertaining in some way. Let's see.