Monday, January 10, 2011

So I didn't make it to the singles event tonight... Bummer. But I am going to try to attend the Wednesday night activities at Eleanor's school (a local baptist church) this week... I just feel like I'm waiting for God to tell me where He wants me worshipping...
At the superchurch they are doing a devotional about God's vision for us. The first reading was basically that we are all guilty and that God loves us anyways, hence sending Jesus to die for our sins. It got me thinking that part of my hesitation to plug in at a church is feeling guilty that I know I don't lead the life God always wants for me... But clearly He knows I screw up and all He wants is for me to pay attention to Him. So I'm going to try to focus simply on that--paying attention to God.
I'm not going to become the perfect Christian overnight so I need to take it one step at a time. Step number one will be paying attention. Anyone have tips for paying attention?
I've heard people talk alot about hearing God and I've never felt like I heard Him. This frustrates me and makes me upset with myself. I don't blame God that I can't head him, I blame me. I must be listening wrong. So I need tips on that too. How do I listen for God better? Any feedback is appreciated!
Also, this is the first post I am texting in so I apologize for type-os or if this sucks... I'm trying here...

Sunday, January 9, 2011

So I Am going to try blogging again... We will see if I can get back in the swing of it.

Where to begin? Well Eleanor turned 3 yesterday! She is the joy of my life, of course! If I can figure out how to post a pic, I will... So I have had my ups and downs but 2011 is looking up. Part of the downs of 2010 was getting out of an abusive relationship. Besides getting out, the other upside was finding a church home. So in the aftermath of the breakup I started attending a superchurch and dove in full force. It felt great. I found a place that I felt accepted and loved and I could actually be myself. It was great for a while. I honestly know I allowed God into my life. But. There's always a but. I got lazy, I let myself be intimidated, I made the wrong choices and I stopped going. I made excuses... I just unplugged--so to speak. But I've felt the call to plug back in for a time now. I said I was church shopping but I haven't really shopped...

So I am hoping to go to a new single parent event on Monday night. They are starting a new series and I think this is my chance to plug back in. So if you pray, please pray I find my way to that event... Also, the church posted a cool devotional and I may try to use this blog to write my reactions to the devotional. I don't know.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

A new day

Well, this week has certainly been better than last week, but I am afraid I know why, and it's just not healthy.

So at the end of last week, the guy I have been seeing off and on for the last six months sent me what I understood to be a break up email. I was totally hurt and bummed by what he had to say. But I wasn't totally bummed at the prospect of losing my relationship with him, rather I was hurt and sad and scared at the prospect of not having a relationship. In my head I think, "If this guy doesn't want to love me, then who on earth will?" He and I are not a perfect match, but I so want to be in a relationship that I was willing to overlook the imperfections of our match. And I wasn't really at all sad about losing him--it was losing the relationship--any relationship.

During the week before last, I had been balancing the attention of off-and-on guy with beaker from work and loving it. I loved the idea of juggling a couple of guys. Mind you, I was not in a sexual relationship with these men so I don't feel bad enjoying the attention of both of them. But by the end of last week, I had lost the attention of both of them and I was floored by it. Anytime a prospective or current love interest leaves my life I go right back to feeling like a worthless sad little girl who just knows no one will ever love her.

I logically know this isn't true. My therapist gets onto me about saying things like that. I do logically know it, but it just doesn't feel true. Another lesson I have learned in therapy, I don't feel my feelings all that often. I can be very analytical and think about a lot of things, but I don't allow myself to feel very much. I CANNOT pass this on to my daughter. I have to learn how to feel--even the bad emotions. E cannot go through life the way I am. But, I digress...

So why has this week already been so much better? Well I haven't had to think about or feel those feelings of worthlessness and sadness as much. I have been busy. I spent last night at mom and dad's and then talked on the phone to a male friend (who happens to have romantic interest in me, but I am not interested in him) until I went to sleep. I didn't make time to think about whether I am lovable. Then today at work, Beaker asked me to bring him lunch, and even though he is generally a jerk to me, I still did it. It got me positive attention from him. Not a lot of positive attention, but a little, and that is enough for me. Off-and-On-guy once told me seeking a relationship is like my drug of choice. I think I agree. I will take a little positive attention from a jerk rather than have no positive attention from a man with whom I could potentially be romantic. And then my boss introduced me to the cute artist guy who works on our floor who is supposedly interested in me. This just sent me into happy mode... But I don't really see that going anywhere. The guy really strikes me as too effeminate. Maybe it's because he's an artist or maybe it's because I thought he was gay until I was told otherwise, but either way, he's just not the burly manly man type I usually go for... Maybe I don't need to go for the same type I have gone for, I don't really know... But pair all that with the text from off-and-on-guy telling me things weren't over, and I have all the drug I need. Today anyways.

But I realize these cannot be the things that keep me feeling worthwhile. I have to find new ways to know that I am worthwhile. I have to alter my core beliefs about who I am. How do I do that? How do I stop listening to the ugly voices in my head that tell me no one will ever love me? The attention of a man drowns those voices out, but that's not good enough. Here is yet another example of behaviors I CANNOT pass on to my daughter. I have to whip this and I have to do it soon. She is already learning about self esteem and forming her core beliefs right now. I have to lead by example. If anyone reads this and anyone has any books to suggest or exercises to practice to alter my core beliefs, please pass them along to me.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Baby E

I thought this would be MUCH brighter than yesterday's post. Here is what I get to smile about every single day! Thank God for her. I hope she brightens your day, too!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Or once every six months, but who's counting

Really, who's counting anyways... Seeing as I haven't written in six months, not only do I think no one is counting, but no one is likely reading...

So in the last six months I have started seeing a therapist and he wants me journaling. I did it for a few weeks on paper, but I remember how much I enjoy blogging and typing is way easier than writing by hand, so I am going to do it here. Today. I make no promises about beyond today.

I think that could be a grander statement about the way I feel about life lately. Wow is it kicking the shit out of me these days. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE motherhood and I LOVE Eleanor even more than I love being her mom, but I am just deep in the dumps and can't seem to crawl my way out... Hence the seeing a therapist. He is really great and I like him, but I have been seeing him for six weeks or so and while I have had some better weeks than the last one, I still am having ones like last week and that just makes me get impatient...

So I have to learn to shed my inner "wounded girl." That scares the crap out of me. That makes me feel like I will soon have even less of a clue about the person that I really am. Well I know who I really am, I am that wounded girl. I am the girl who believes to the core of my being that no one will ever love me. I understand that my family loves me more than a person could ever ask for, but they have to love me and that is a different kind of love than the kind of love I may never have. I don't really understand why I so whole-heartedly believe that I will never really be loved, but I do really feel that way. I had a husband who was far beneath me and should have thanked his lucky stars to have me. I gave of my whole self to him. I changed everything that I am to suit him because I am so madly desperate for someone to love me. I gave him anything and everything and that still wasn't good enough. And he wasn't even a good one, so how can I ever expect a real good one to love me?

So I have tested the waters in the post marriage world and I haven't found the warm inviting waters yet. I have dated off and on for the last six months a man who couldn't accept that I am a mother. I know, I know. I should have never started with a man who couldn't accept me as a mother because above all else, now, that is who I am. But he said eventually he would. I, again, am so desperate for the love of a man that I was willing to overlook this. So for six months I have pretended to be something I am not--in more ways than just the mom stuff. We have had some good times, but he has made it clear on multiple occasions that I am not his "ideal" woman, yet I stuck around to keep taking his shit. Why?? Well because occasionally, when it was convenient for him, he paid attention to me and was affectionate toward me. I don't ask for much and I still can't even get what little I ask for from a good guy. Ugh...

As anyone who might be reading this can tell, I am just not in a good place right now. At all. And I am so damn tired of pretending that everything is OK. I keep a smile on my face all day at work (I do actually LOVE my job) and try very hard never to let on that inside I just ache and hurt all the time, but it gets harder with every passing day. I have cried at work at least three times in the last week and that just isn't good. This economy is too bad to risk being seen as unprofessional or anything like that, but there were just a few times I couldn't keep it in. Luckily, one of my closest work friends is the only person who even knew about only one time, but still, just not a good thing to be going on. So I work my butt off all day to make sure everyone thinks I am happy and cheery and doing fine. That is exhausting. And I spend time with my family and try hard to at least not let them realize just how badly I am doing. They know I am not terribly happy, but I don't think they really know just how badly I feel every single day. They don't want to know, I am afraid. They don't know what to do to help me (I don't know what to do to help me) and so they see as much as they can handle seeing. My sister is getting clued in slowly, but she has enough going on that I hate to make her worry. And there really is nothing she can do. That is part of why I am so sad and afraid these days is that I can't figure out what I can do or what anyone can do. It is very scary.

I am seeing a therapist. I am doing what he has been telling me to do. I still feel terrible. What do I do now? I want so badly to not feel this way and I am clueless how to make that happen. I try to pray about it. I try to do things to keep my mind off of it. I try to think through these feelings (my therapist would point out that I need to feel these emotions). I try not to think about these emotions. I just don't know what to do.

I am very tempted to not even post this entry, but I am going to. On the off chance anyone reads this and anyone who does read it has some advice, I will post this. And I apologize I am a dropped off the face of the planet blogger who just shows back up to bitch and whine and beg for advice. I am embarrassed I couldn't stay committed to this community who I really felt privileged to be a part of, but life happened and I screwed up something else, but I need an outlet so this will be it.

I hope I can write again very soon. I hope this can fill part of the void I am feeling.


Tuesday, March 18, 2008

once a week

So it looks like once a week might have to be my posting schedule for now... We will see.

I start my very first full-time job on Monday. I am scared beyond belief! I have never had a real nine-to-fiver before, and I have never been really great at having a boss. I know I can do it, I know I have to do it for Eleanor, but I am still freaking out a little.

Getting this job is such a huge weight off my shoulders! Now Eleanor's daddy can continue to be a deadbeat and it won't affect her (financially anyways). I won't have to mooch off my parents for too much longer, and I will be able to support her completely. That is just a relief.

I am excited and nervous about the prospect of moving out of mom and dad's house... I have only lived alone for about six months of my life, and even then I wasn't home all that often. The soon-to-be-ex-husband and I were dating and I spent most nights with him. Now I will be living alone and taking care of E alone. I know I better hurry and get used to that idea because she and I are going to be living alone together for a long time. I hope it isn't as scary as I think. Any single mommies out there have any advice about living alone with your kiddos?

Speaking of single parenthood, I met the antithesis of my husband yesterday in line at the DMV. Now, I realize we spoke for all of 30 minutes and how can I really evaluate him as a person based on such a short conversation, so this is just a first blush impression. But he was a single dad to a 13-year-old and he was just nice and personable and obviously dedicated to his son. He lives in my city and was really cute. I wish I had had the courage to ask for his number or something like that, but I am so terribly clueless when it comes to adult dating. I went from my high school sweetheart to a few casual dating episodes to falling for my husband to now... I know nothing about dating. That is probably a ripe topic for another post so I will leave it to then.

I have so missed the blogging world and I am trying to pop back in on my old friends. I am still mainly lurking because I am embarrassed for my prolonged absence, but I am around again and so happy about it! Welcome back if you have returned to my world (I hope you like the new landscaping--both literally and figuratively). I am working on posting some Eleanor pics... I am not great with the picture parts of blogger so be patient. If you want me to email you a snapfish link with every picture we have ever taken of her, email me at


Tuesday, March 11, 2008

I'm baa-aaaack

Wow, that was quite the hiatus. Alot has happened since my last post. I had to take a little break until I felt comfortable enough to post things about my life again. For my returning readers, you will see I made a few changes and spruced the place up a little bit.

So let me catch you up with some short short stories.

1. the husband was, in fact, cheating on me, and he and his girlfriend (and her two daughters) now live in my house.

2. I filed for divorce as early as I could (did you know you can't file for divorce in Texas while you are pregnant?) and he has been dragging ass, I suspect as a way to prolong not paying child support.

3. I am still teaching part time and enjoying that, but I have recently been hired to do training and documentation for claims compliance at an insurance company. Right now I don't really know what exactly that means, but I know it means a steady paycheck and benefits, which are good things!

4. The pregnancy was fabulous!! I loved being pregnant... In spite of all the drama going on in my life, I was a happy preggo. I am going to post the few blogs I wrote on myspace about the drama while I was pregnant, just to keep you up to date.

5. And this one won't be a short short story. This one is my whole life. This one is Eleanor Logan.

She was born Jan. 8, 08 at 8 p.m. via c-section. She is healthy and happy and just plain fabulous. I am madly in love with her! So, the birth story...

I went into the hospital at 10:30 a.m. Tuesday (1/8/08) and they started inducing labor because they were concerned that she hadn't been gaining weight in the womb. I labored until about 7:30 p.m., but the doc didn't feel like I was making enough progress so we decided to do a C-section. It only took them less than 30 minutes to get me into the OR and get going on getting her... It was a little scary, but not that bad. She weighed 7 pounds 1.6 oz and was 19.5 inches long. Because she was born via c-section (and didn't get the "squeeze" of going through the birth canal), she had a little fluid on her lungs and was breathing a little fast, so she went to the NICU.

Eleanor spent four days in the NICU and was discharged only a day after me. Initially they were saying she might need to be there for up to three weeks, so when she made such a strong recovery so quickly, everyone was impressed! She is just so smart, strong, and beautiful! She started drinking out of a bottle day 3 (which was earlier than they expected) and was immediately breastfeeding--she is an eating champ! The nurses and doctors in the NICU were so impressed that her blood sugars were so stable (most babies of diabetics struggle in their first few days, but the docs said because I had managed my diabetes so well during pregnancy that she did better than most).

So that is how she got here... There have already been so many adventures with her in her short little 2-month life. I know I will be writing much more about her.

So, I just want to try to get back in the swing of blogging. I have so much to celebrate now, I don't think I have to worry about being a "debbie downer..." I hope I get some of my readers back. I cannot say enough positive things about the love and support you all provided me during those hard times. I am so excited to get back and catch back up with everyone. If you can forgive me for dropping off the face of the planet, leave me a comment!