OK, I have really been trying to post something for the last seven days, but I have failed. Yesterday, I was really thinking about why I suddenly didn't have anything to say. I know I have all kinds of things going on in my life, but I just seem blog-stipated so to speak.
Why?
Well, I think some of it is that I am scared to death. To be completely honest, this whole becoming a mom thing is really freaking me out. I know we were trying to get pregnant and all, but now I am just kind of freaking out. I really hope it is all the hormones or something...
Maybe if I write about some of these probably irrational fears, I will feel better. I know everyone is scared about becoming a mom, but I just feel really ill prepared and unqualified for the most important job in existence. I have never really had to do anything hard in life. This is going to be really really hard. I know that. I also know that knowing that will help. But I feel like I need more tools. I need to read more books, I need to take more classes, I need an internship or something!
I never babysat and I was the youngest child, so I am fairly clueless. I am mostly clueless about the newborn stage.
For example, I have no clue how to give a newborn baby a bath. And when do you give them a bath, is there a waiting period? Do you have to wait a certain number of days? Do the doctors tell you this? And do babies get baths every day like grown ups? I don't remember my sister giving her new babies a bath every single day, so what is the rotation?
And what about breastfeeding? I have read all about purple cracked nipples and how horrible it is and how much it hurts and how it isn't easy and how you don't get in a groove with it until several weeks into the deal... But, my sister has said it has always been fairly easy for her. I even asked her about the cracked and purple nipples and she said this didn't happen to her. So this bad stuff doesn't happen to everybody? Is there anything I can do to prevent it? I know this is going to sound horrible, but even still, breastfeeding really does just gross me out, so I am really counting on there being some maternal instinct take over after birth that allows me to share that bond with my child...
OK, so those are my two biggies I guess. I know I will figure out a lot of it. I do know that, but I am not used to being totally clueless and it is a feeling I don't enjoy. From what I hear, it is something I will have to get used to as a Mom. Is that true?
On to pregnancy questions... I am just plum wore out these days. Now mind you, I am generally a kind of pokey sleepy kind of person--not real high energy... But this is out of control. I think I could sleep 18 hours a day if not more. I wake up, go to work, work for a while, go home and take a nap, go back to work for a little while, go home, eat dinner, fall back asleep fairly easily. It is just crazy. And don't even ask about days when I don't work. I just snooze and drink water and diet 7up and occasionally snack and go back to snoozing or kickin' it on the couch.
This is so not working for my research agenda.
I HAVE to write my prospectus for my dissertation before July 10 or so. I also have to prepare for quals. My goal for the last two weeks has been to write my damn method section. Now I am really going to get in gear and get it written this week. If it kills me.
It really might kill me.
I am struggling on a few fronts. I have not totally decided which theoretical questions I will address and how many I can address with the experiments I already conducted. My most fabulous research partner and savior sent me a list of theories she thought might apply to the questions I used in my experiments. Now, I have to go through and decide what I do and don't want to use. I don't know how wide or narrow of a net to cast. My advisor (although I haven't gotten much advice) has said to reign it in, so I am trying to remember to do that. But, this is important to me, and I don't want to half-ass it. I feel like only addressing one or two theories might be half-assing it. I think I am going to have to work a little bit on the lit review before I complete the method section, and I DETEST (and that word really isn't strong enough) literature reviews. I know that is horrible, but it is true. I don't know...
And, my mom is totally on my ass now about getting this thing DONE and done quickly. She asks me every time I talk to her (which is at least once a day) how much I have written on my "paper." First, this is so much bigger than a paper that it is really annoying when she calls it just a paper. Second, I know she means well, but it is annoying. Third, now she has enlisted other family members to ask how much I have written on my "paper" every time they talk to me.
Can you say annoying???
On the flip side of that, my most awesome research partner and savior is actually helping to motivate me by asking me questions about it and reminding me that I am actually excited to conduct research. She so rocks my socks off. She needs to blog (she used to blog, but gave it up. I hope she returns--hint hint). So, hopefully I can post some form of updates here about what I am (or am not) getting accomplished.
So, now that I have gotten off my chest some of my irrational fears and my stressors, I hope to return to a somewhat regular posting schedule. Hopefully yall knew I hadn't dropped off the face of the planet because I was still commenting.
Speaking of commenting, I found a blogger whom I MUST recommend, she is just a freaking rock star. Go check out Mommy Off the Record. She is pretty darn cool!
OK, I hope to post again tomorrow. I have missed writing and I hope you guys have missed me too! Oh, and please add to your prayer list (or positive thinking list or whatever you do) that I continue to not throw up. Just ask once a day for me, please!! I am really hopeful I continue on this path of not throwing up because I really hate throwing up more than the normal person hates it. Plus, it could screw with my diabetes. I really need to NOT throw up, so just add that to your wish list for me, please and thank you!!
ttfn
8 comments:
trust your instincts and don't be afraid to ask questions. If your really scared you could look into the Healthy Families
. It's a program for mothers where a nurse will visit you in your home or other locations to meet with you and explain anything you have questions about.
It's not available everywhere and there are limitations on enrollment but its worth a call. I don't know where you live or I would give more info. I work in a non-profit agency and every program either deals with childhood development. I'm actually in PEIP, which is the original version of Nurse Family Partnership which is similar to Healthy Families but aimed only at teen mothers.
We're willing to go to a teacher to learn about subjects we don't understand, and pay them well for it, but many people are unwilling to be taught about the most important subject of all, being a parent.
Don't be scared, just do what feels right.
It is normal to be afraid. (Perhaps more normal than being excited.)
It is the hardest thing I've ever done (becoming a mom) and it continues to be hard. Sometimes it is awful. THAT SAID, at the very same time, it is the best thing I've ever done. There's no way to explain how something can be the best thing ever and so hard all at once. You'll just have to jump on over to the mom side and experience it all I guess.
Wow. Thanks for the mention in your post. I am flattered!
As for your fears about not knowing how to be a mom, I was the same way before I had my son. I didn't know much, if anything, about raising a child. But it's true that you just learn as you go and you figure it out and it is tiring and fun and wonderful and tiring (and did I say tiring?) but it's really the best thing you'll ever do. And what helped me was to get a couple good books to have on hand if I had specific questions (I love the What to Expect the First Year book. It's really straightforward and the authors try not to scare you. They are very common sense.)
As for breastfeeding, my experience was that it did hurt for a few weeks. That is NORMAL. No one has ever sucked on your boobs all day and night for weeks before and your nipples will go through a "toughening up" period which is probably going to hurt. But it's not going to kill you. Keep some nipple cream on hand (it's like chapstick) and put it on every night to keep them from cracking. The key is just keep at it and pretty soon it won't hurt anymore. Instead, you will be filled with the most wonderful feeling of your life - at least that's how it was for me. BF will give you the most peaceful, loving feeling you have ever felt. For me, breastfeeding was one of the wonderful surprises about mothering.
The Dr. Sears Breastfeeding book is also a good resource. You might consider buying it ahead of time and reading up on it a little before the baby comes.
In any case, you will be GREAT. A year from now, you will be an old pro at all this!
your ob/gyn can probably also point you in the right direction for a new mommies class of some sort, where they'll show you how to do that stuff. that's also a good way to meet other new moms, who then become a great community for asking questions and getting support. plus, when the kids get older, you can have playdates / playgroup together! :)
and yes, as you said, you will figure it all out as you go. moms have been doing it for thousands of years. you'll be okay. just let folks help you when needed.
I was scared too, and now I have an almost-12-month-old girl! I am an only child and I only ever babysat elementary-school age kids. I didn't know anything about newborns. I didn't know how to change diapers, or bathe, or just take care of in general! My husband and I took a class from the hospital nurses and it was pretty good. But of course they can't prepare you for everything. When you are at the hospital with your new baby, ASK QUESTIONS THEN! The nurses are so helpful. And get the most breastfeeding advice while you're at the hospital too.
It won't all be easy, you're right. But it is so worth it. You've just gotta roll with the punches. And don't ever be afraid to ask questions. People will give you all sorts of advice, and you will just have to decide what you think is best. You can do it!
I was going to offer advice, but you've already gotten it here. Note especially that what sounds like a cliche--"it's the hardest and at the same time the most rewarding thing I've ever done"--is so utterly true that I've stopped thinking of it as a cliche at all but, rather, have come to see it as an experience only parents understand. No way to explain that one further until you've experienced it. Also, your instinct to read is a good one, provided you understand that advice is just that--generalized wisdom that may or may not always apply to your specific and unique case. I like the What to Expect books, though I'm sure there are many good ones out there.
In the long run, the best advice I can give is another cliche (and one you've already heard numerous times): after just a few days even, and certainly after a month or two, you'll know your baby better than anyone, and so you'll be in a better position to know what she or he needs or wants than anybody else. Trust that knowledge, even as you rightly still feel the need to follow the advice of experts. I'm sure you will find that balance--we all do, sooner or later.
We all procrastinate on the diss & qual prep. If you didn't have this, you'd have something else. So don't be so hard on yourself.
It is funny how at the beginning of the diss you WANT people to ask about the progress. Then there is a very distinct (& long) time period where NO ONE SHOULD BRING IT UP. If you want to talk you will. I always remember that & think back to the many days I spent watching E True Hollywood story instead of writing my diss. :)
Method is really the easiest section. Just take a part at a time to break it up. Sample. Instrument. Etc. Don't think of it as entire chapter - just little sections of your paper (hah hah, couldn't resist!).
On reigning in your paper - that is right. No one reads your diss when it is done. And that is what they say the "D" in PhD stands for: DONE!!!! Just take it in little manageable steps.
Another gem that was passed on to me: If your diss were the best work you'd ever do in your career then your career sucked. :)
I'm going to chime in to the chorus here. You've had some incredible advise here but I think the bottom line for me is what Lance said - you will be in a position to be supreme knower of YOUR child; its hungry cry, its need to be held, its deeply asleep gurgly noises - al of those things will be part of the phenomenal bond. I have two daughters - both born at home - who are now 12 and ten. It's not for everyone, but I worked with Naturopathic doctors trained in obstetrics, and had birth experiences that were easy, supportive and informed from start to finish. Every question I could devise, like yours about bathing, clipping fingernails, nursing, stumped me and had me calling my doctor. If I were you, I would make lists of questions, read the many great books out there (including Weissbluth's "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" and relax, sleep and try to get as much done on your paper (sorry) now as you can - your baby is just about the lowest maintenance it will ever be. ; )
There is a huge community of mother out there - ask and you will receive bountiful advice. Heck, don't ask and you will receive tons of advice!
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