Right now I want to focus on the good, so I want to send a very big thank you!!! Thank you so much to the following fabulous women of the blogsphere:
**A special thank you to Jill B for posting a whole post about boogers (or oatmeal--yeah, keep telling yourself that it was oatmeal--haha) just to make me smile. I really need to smile a lot these days, so any and all booger (or other gross 4th-grade like substances) stories are appreciated!
You fine women all took the time to send me virtual hugs, and I really need lots of hugs, so I appreciate it.
I really think we are going to divorce. I really think my child is going to grow up with divorced parents. I cannot begin to express the sadness I feel for not only my own loss, but for the loss my child suffers before he or she even gets here.
I really haven't wrapped my head around it all yet. I am still holding out some hope that everything will work out, but that amount of hope gets smaller every day. I am still so torn as to whether to believe he is having an affair. Why won't people who are having affairs just own up to it?? That would make this all a lot easier, I promise. That would hurt, but it would hurt less than this.
Oh, but I am focusing on the positive. So, a little more positive. I am also so blessed because of my family. I cannot imagine facing this without their love and support. My mom and dad have already opened their home to me and my child. My sister is my biggest advocate and she is coaching me to be strong.
She tells me that I do not have to feel ashamed (which I do anyways).
She tells me that I have nothing to be embarrassed about (but I still feel that way).
She tells me that this is not my fault (which I don't totally believe).
She tells me that I am not a failure as a wife (but looking for divorce attorneys tells me otherwise).
She even tells me that someone will love me again and that I will have the chance to prove that I am a good wife, some day (I struggle to believe that too).
She reminds me that I deserve to be happy and that at some point I have to stand up and tell him that I am done (I really can't do that).
My sister has committed to being my birth partner (and here comes more shame and sadness--oh that poor woman in room whatever, she doesn't have a husband. I cried today about how the birthing of a child is supposed to be this fabulous bonding moment between husband and wife and I don't get that).
I know I am lucky to have the strength and love of my family. Especially at this time when I feel more weak and sad than I have ever felt in my life. I was almost smug about how I had never really faced hardship. How's that for a goocher... I am facing hardship. My mom and dad and I cried hard today. They are sad for my loss. They are sad for my baby's loss.
He said he does love me. He also said he has been happier since I have been away. His answer to almost any question is "I don't know."
What is going on??
ttfn
13 comments:
from what i know of you in the short time since we "met" here in the blogosphere, you'll get through this. you're going to be a wonderful mother to that child, whether there's a husband by your side or not. remember that you're never alone - you have that wonderful family supporting you, and all of us here for anytime you need anything we can give. many blessings and good thoughts to you, A.
You CAN do this, you can be strong, but it is okay to be upset and to feel the pain. It is okay to be worried and want better for your child. Every person would feel the same in your shoes. Take it one day at a time. You are truly blessed to have such wonderful parents and siblings. You child will be blessed to have them as family too.
Okay, having problems with comments. If you get a comment from Nicole, it's actually from me (Nikki).
I admire your strong sense of self and your strong love, respect, and devotion to your family. I realize this is the hardest thing in the world right now for you. But, I only have admiration, love, and respect for you. I really wish I could be there to support you. But, you're always in my prayers and heart.
just so you know...i'm a child of divorce and i turned out (relatively) normal ;)
:)
Listen to your sister. She seems to be quite wise.
You CAN do it. You have people behind you. You won't be alone in that delivery room no matter what.
I want to send you hugs too. I'm praying for you.
I can only imagine how hard this is for you. And it is only natural to want your husband to be by your side for you and your child.
I am still praying that things work out with your husband, but if not, you CAN do this. You are strong. You have done nothing wrong. You have a wonderful family that will be there for you. You will be a great mother to your child who will love you to death.
I wish you much strength and all good things. Hang in there.
Hey you,
I hope you don't mind. I just awarded you a Rockin' Girl Blogger Award over at my site.
xxoo,
MotR
You are so blessed to have such a loving family. And a sister who wants to be part of your child's birth. I would love to have a connection like that with my sister. It's early days yet in your pregnancy, and if you're anything like I was, those hormones aren't making this situation any easier for you. It gets better. And the more you learn about your growing baby and share these things with your birth partner, the more confidence you will have in yourself and the birth. It sounds like your child will be born into many welcoming hands. Believe in yourself- you can do it. Hugs and warm supportive thoughts.
You have every right to have a "pity party"; don't begrudge yourself that. And also don't forget that until you feel strong again, it's perfectly okay to lean on your family for help. It sounds as if they're more than happy to be there for you.
Sending you my thoughts and prayers.
In case you think I waas a little harsh in the basement, I popped over to offer you some additional support. I was glad to see this post, so I can say: Listen, Listen, listen to your sister. She's right. And lean on your family, hard if you have to. You really are blessed to have them in your corner. Really.
Hang in there and be strong -- you'll get through this with the love and support of your friends and family.
Hi,
I found your letter at HBMB. I just wanted to extend a hand of friendship. I know all to well what you are going through. I went throught the exact same thing. Not to long ago. We have a beautiful baby girl and are on the road to a much stronger realtionship. Things happen for a reason. I know that sounds crappy right now, but you sound like you have some kind of support. I hope it works out for you. Be strong, you are stronger then you think.
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