Trying to get to the next phase

I have been MIA for a while. Sorry!

So, I spent the week of fourth of July with my family and escaped from my problems for a little while. My crazy Grandma came with my sister and her family so I had to keep my problems on the DL... It was hard work, but it was also really nice to just pretend that I was happily married and that all was well in my world.

Garrett and I talked on the phone and texted and were fairly pleasant with each other that whole week. I really got my hopes up that when I got home home we would work things out.

Then, the Friday night before I came home, we had another MEGA blowout on the phone. It became clear to me again that he had given up on our marriage. It sent me into heartbreak all over again. I was mad at myself for getting my hopes up, but then again who can blame me...

So, I flew home on Tuesday for a doctor's appointment Wednesday. I spoke to G over the weekend to confirm that he was willing to drive the two hours to the airport to pick me up on his birthday. I offered to call friends to see who could pick me up, and I offered to come in on Monday so he wouldn't have to make the drive on his birthday. He said no to both offers. So, on Tuesday about five minutes before I board the plane he texts me saying he doesn't want to pick me up at the airport and how selfish of me to yet again demand he tailor to my every whim and drive all that way on his birthday. Geez. So, I quickly texted everyone I could think of asking anyone who could make the two-hour drive to text G and tell him he needn't pick me up. I had to get on the plane and turn my phone off, so I had no clue who would be picking me up (if anyone).

When I landed and turned my phone back on, luckily, one of my friends had arranged with G to pick me up. Thank God for good friends with flexible jobs! But really, how rude and embarrassing and cowardly for G to back out of picking me up at the last minute. I was pissed. My folks were pissed.

That night, G stayed at work until after midnight (on his birthday and day off--sucks to be him) and texted me at 12:30 to ask if I was in bed yet. I asked him if that was what he was waiting for to come home. He said it was. I tried to go to bed, but I couldn't really sleep. He came home and I was still up so he went straight to his room without speaking to or looking at me. I tried to leave him alone, but my self control sucks, so I went to his room and tried to talk to him. He refused. He kept saying he just wanted to be left alone. He threatened to leave. I told him I deserved at least a face to face conversation. Finally, I said, fine, just look me in the eye and tell me you quit and I will leave you alone. He looked at me and said I quit, so I went to bed.

Needless to say I was (and still am) devastated. I woke up yesterday with a mission in mind. I had a doctor's appointment (which went great), and I had tons of things to do.

I opened a new checking account. I searched for an attorney. I e-mailed back and fourth with G about the division of our assets and liabilities. I was very productive. Today I made an appointment with my new OB. I got boxes to start packing. I found a moving truck at a reasonable price. My dad and I started planning the adventure that will be the two- or three-day drive home.

So, I am leaving. My marriage is over--whether I want it to be or not. I am looking at single motherhood. I am searching for strength and finding it where I least expect it (inside me).

My family is still being a HUGE support (as they always have been and will continue to be). My mom is trying to get my sister to come with her late next week to help me pack up my stuff. My dad is trying to make me excited about the drive home.

I have started searching for a job at home. I still need to talk with my advisor about finishing my dissertation from a distance--including taking my qualifying exams, defending them, and the whole dissertation process--YIKES!

So, God I hope and pray I can transition into the next phase, whatever that phase will be. There are still lots of unanswered questions. There is still much business to take care of.

Thank you for the support I have been getting. Please keep it coming. I know I am MIA in the blogsphere, but I am going to try to get back more often. I tend to retreat and hide when life gets hard, but that is no excuse.

ttfn