Well, I am leaving in two days. My dad is flying out and will meet me at my house on Wednesday morning. I will have already picked up the moving truck and will hopefully have things loaded by the time he gets here. We are taking a three-day drive home (no one day will require more than 6 hours of driving), and Dad is really trying to do his best to make this drive home an adventure. I know this will be a sad little drive for me, so I appreciate his efforts.
G is so done. It breaks my heart every time we interact. I have asked him for hugs and he refuses. I try to talk to him and he tunes me out. He is just done and that hurts so deeply. I don't know if this is his defense mechanism or his guilt or if he really just hates my guts. I think he wants me to feel like he hates my guts. That is hard to swallow.
I am still worried about him. My mom thinks he is on drugs and until today I totally dismissed that idea. Here is why I say until today... He spends extended periods of time in the bathroom. I know, typical male behavior, but I mean abnormally extended periods of time. He got home from running an errand at 10 p.m. tonight. He immediately went upstairs into the bathroom and stayed there for an hour (not an exaggeration). Mind you, he had already had his post-work bathroom visit. Then, he came downstairs (I had asked him to just sit and watch TV with me). We ordered pizza, waited for it to be delivered, and then ate it. Then, he went upstairs again and was in the bathroom for at least 30 minutes. Then he came back down and took the dog out. Then, he went upstairs and went to the bathroom again (this time only for a few moments)... But, what is going on there?? Is he just hanging out in there to hide from me? I don't think he is using his phone in there because I have listened by the door (yes, I am that sad and pathetic). It is just plain weird. I just think he might be going in there and using drugs of some form (non-smelly drugs). Any ideas or clues? I guess the other option is that he is in there looking at his girly mags and do what men do with girly mags. Regardless, it is weird and I want to know what is going on.
So, I leave in two days to move home. My folks are still being amazing. Being here is quite possibly the hardest thing I have done yet. I say yet because I know I am facing difficult tasks left and right in my future. I hope to post once or twice from the road, so keep your fingers crossed that I can get free Internet access at one of our hotels. Please keep sending prayers, positive thoughts, and hugs my way. I need lots of them!
ttfn
11 comments:
flashing your boobs at passing truck drivers makes any road trip more fun and exciting. we'll just pretend for the moment that you're not taking this trip with your father. :-P
(i thought for a change i would go for a comment to make you giggle, but you know i'm here for you in all seriousness as well.)
There are so many drugs to choose from and so many that aren't smelly or extremely obvious. But the bathroom thing is a little suspicious. I don't know anything about any of this, but you might want to mention it to your lawyer. My cousin's wife went psycho on him (much the same way as happened to you- just came home one day and told her husband of over 20 years that she didn't love him), and in the divorce proceedings he asked that they both undergo a psych eval. The fact that she left him was so random that he believed something was seriously wrong. She refused, but he got the kids as a result of her refusal.
Make sure you give your dad a big hug. I have a feeling that he feels nearly as bad as you do, in a way that only a daddy can.
I am a new reader, but I read your letter in the basement and came over. I am sorry that things are so up in the air now. I also wanted to tell you that this is a very brave thing you are doing.
I hope you have at least some fun with your dad on the roadtrip. It sounds like he will be there for all the hugs you will need.
Know that someone you don't know is thinking of you, especially knowing you are going through 2 of the most emotionally draining things of all time at the same time; pregnancy and a Phd. Enjoy both as much as you possibly can. :)
Keeping you in my thoughts. Have a safe trip!
Best of luck with your move and all that's happening right now. It's great to hear that you're gathering your inner strength.
So, I've been MIA for a bit, but I'm back in a "connected" world, and came by to let you know I'm here, listening.
Your dad sounds like such a good man. As for G, I don't know what he could be doing in there. It's such a shame that he's shutting you out like this. He is going to miss out on so much.
Well, good luck with your trip. I'll be thinking of you. Big hugs to you and your little one.
i think your mom has hit the nail directly on the head (as most moms seem to be able to do) about the drug thing. you should give yourself a big old pat on the back for taking care of you and that baby. it will be hard, sure, but it will be harder to raise a baby with a drug addict (if that is indeed the case), or to raise a baby with an emotionally uninvolved parter. you and the baby deserve much more than that. your parents sound absolutely wonderful - take comfort in that. you will be on the road to giving your baby a better life.
I found your blog through another blog and through another blog, etc. You probably already know the drill, but I am sorry if it's freaky that someone you don't even know is commenting. But just wanted to say, stay strong, be positive, and you are doing the right thing. Hope that your road trip with your Dad is going well. Keep yourself healthy and waiting patiently to hear how things are going. Thank you for sharing your life with us out here on the www.
I found your blog through another blog and through another blog, etc. You probably already know the drill, but I am sorry if it's freaky that someone you don't even know is commenting. But just wanted to say, stay strong, be positive, and you are doing the right thing. Hope that your road trip with your Dad is going well. Keep yourself healthy and waiting patiently to hear how things are going. Thank you for sharing your life with us out here on the www.
I too am a stranger but found your blog from my friend LARA. I commented one time before, as you were concerned about becoming a Mom, prior to all this other awful stuff happening to you. Sounds like you're on the right track, you turned to your family; they sound WONDERFUL. I'm so distressed by your husband's behavior, he will regret it someday. He is going to miss out on SO MUCH. BIG MISTAKE on his part. I'll be praying for you and your little one, and your wonderful mom and dad. Take care.
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