"This award is for those bloggers who are nice people and good blog friends -
those who bring good feelings and inspiration. Also for those who are a positive
influence on our blogging world. Once you’ve been awarded, please pass it on to 7 others who you feel are deserving of this award."
I will pass this lovely award onto:
- Nikki (who may appear not nice with the occasional f-bomb, but she rocks my socks off and is a sweet heart to this sad little girl).
- Major BedHead (my new friend who sends me great support and advice! And she uses words like Mum and I love that!)
- JillB (another rock star in my world!)
- Mommy Off The Record (she has been supporting me and sharing pregnancy stuff and I sure appreciate it!!)
- Stupid American (she has been loving me since long before the blogsphere and she just rocks socks)
- Betsy (she even gave me the secret password!)
- Ewe Are Here (she always has a kind word to share!)
I want to post the cool picture but I don't know how, so if anyone knows how and wants to tell me, drop me a line!!
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So, onto the not so nice. As you know, it was been a WHILE since I have been here. It has even been a while since I have read others' blogs...
Some part of it is that living at mom and dad's has meant that my computer lives upstairs and I live down.
Part of it has been that my sleep schedule has been so fragile that when I get upstairs I worry if I don't try to go to sleep right away I will lose the chance (like I did tonight).
The biggest part of it is that I am so overwhelmed with hurt and pain that I haven't known what to write... I hate to be all "Debbie Downer..." I hate to write whiney crap even though I know yall love me and will support me. I think I am afraid to write too much because I might discover some new painful feeling that hasn't cropped up yet.
But, I know I NEED to. My mom and sister (I think through my sister's prodding because my sister is actually privvy to this address while mom isn't) have reminded me that blogging is therapuetic and will help me feel better. I think I have reached this weird place where I don't really know how to feel better and that's scary...
I went to Oklahoma three weeks ago and had a fabulous time (except for Gma going in the hospital--she is fine now). When I got back I headed to D.C. for a big conference and LOTS of job interviews. That was GREAT! I had five really great interviews with R1s who have jobs I would love to have. I talked with great folks. I got to talk with people from my school and people at other schools. I got to say goodbye to people from my school and that was nice. I got to meet friends at new schools and that was nice. I was on and happy for most of the time I was out of time. I did really well. I think exuding that kind of happiness and cheerfulness kind of wiped me out of happy for a while, because ever since I have been home, I have been DOWN...
Last week I tried to work hard and get my honey-do's done... I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday for a sonogram/Level II Ultrasound... It was very exciting! We (me and mom--see, i have to clarify that and that makes me mad. I don't get to say we as in my husband/the baby's father and I--no, I have to clarify that my mother goes to these appointments with me) got to see the baby's bones--thigh and arm, her nose, mouth, eyes, ears, and spine... That's right, I said HER... We got to see her lack of outdoor plumbing!! As my sister said, we have a Jane, not a John! I was so relieved! I was so scared and confident this was a boy and that I was going to be even more clueless than I am already going to be... But, as the doctor said, today we're going to say she's a girl... He looked between her legs and said, "Well, if some thing's there, it is hidden really well!" So, I go back in a few weeks and he will take another look. This sono was at 16 weeks, so it is still early, but right now, she's a girl!
G knew that I was going to that appointment and that it was about more than just gender determination. This was an appointment for the docs to say that she looks healthy and that my diabetes hasn't screwed her up. He claimed to want to know what is going on with her, and I told him he would have to call me to ask because he needed to show a little initiative. I waited all day to share our news with him and for him to demonstrate in some small way that he gives a damn.
And what do you know, but he didn't call. And what do you know, but it devastated me. It sent me into a funk from which I have not returned. I texted him on Thursday about a financial matter and he asked how the appointment went. Via text message. All casual like. I told him fine and left it at that. He eventually got around to texting me, "So is it a girl like you wanted?" How dick can he be?? He just oozed rudeness and ass-hole in every word he utters and it breaks my heart with each letter. I don't really ever get to talk to him, but he texts occasionally and his texts hurt just as much as phone calls. Is IT the appropriate pronoun for our sweet baby? No! And is it a competition for the desired gender? No! I am happy as long as this baby is healthy. He seems indifferent about this child and that hurts me so badly. She deserves a daddy and he has robbed her of that. Even if he is "involved," that will mean two weeks a year in another state?? That sucks. I guess personifying her with a gender has brought back some of my issues with him...
And I know I can't expect anything from him and I try not to, but it just hurt so badly when he showed his lack of interest. He is a better man than that. I know it. Where did my G go? Where is the man I married? I miss him so much I ache! I just want him to call me and say, Hey, I am sorry this is all so shitty. Even if we can't be together, I love you. Why can't he call and tell me he loves me? Why doesn't he love me? Why doesn't he love us? Why has he gone away? I just don't understand. At all. I just miss him (the real him, not this new ass hole) so much.
Like I said, for a few weeks, I was doing good. That has all gone away. Wednesday and Thursday collided into Friday where I just cried pretty much all day. It was the only thing I could accomplish on Friday. I even cried when my mom had friends over. I went to a concert of my favorite band with two of my favorite people on Friday night and what do you know, I cried there too (of course this band was OUR favorite too, so some tears were expected). I just want to cry all the time. I just want to sleep and cry and that is about it. I am angry about that too. I am generally a happy person, and I miss being REALLY happy. I can fake it like a champ, but I haven't been genuinely happy in a long time and that sucks.
I want to be excited that I have a baby girl on the way. But I was too busy being sad that my baby girl doesn't get a daddy. I think some part of my sadness for that is that I don't get to be a mommy with a daddy. I know that is selfish.
My family thinks I am depressed, and I think I agree. So I have made an appointment with a counselor, but I am not excited about going. I just don't know how that will help really. Writing this hasn't really helped, it just gave me something to cry about... It may have some long-term effect in helping, but today, nothing really helps. I am very afraid of this hopeless feeling. I have 23 weeks to get it together and be OK for my baby girl. I don't know if that is long enough. That is scary. Not only have I always been scared out of my mind about the whole Mommy gig, now I have to be scared to be single mommy and depressed mommy... And this is all before PPD... Yikes! I am just struggling a lot.
And, I feel terrible for putting my family through this. My mom finds me crying daily and just seems crushed. She doesn't really get it that I am not choosing to do this. I feel bad that it hurts her to see me so down. I want to be up, I just don't know how to get there. My sister and dad have even talked about this on the phone--mind you my dad is not a phone talker... I hate it that they are all worried about this. They all feel totally helpless, and they are. I need their love and support totally, but the love that I really want isn't coming and that is the only thing I can imagine making me better. I feel bad because it is like I am saying to them that their love isn't good enough. I know they know that isn't true, but I just don't want to hurt them any more... My mom and dad said the other night how happy they are that I am home. I said me too and my dad said, no you're not, but that's ok. And that's the truth. I still just want to go home. To my home. To my husband and my dog. And I can't. And that hurts.
So, I am sorry this blog is all over the place. I am really hoping I can try to write more because I do think it will help in the long term. Bear with me and sunny days will return... Go read back in my archives when I was in my care-bear world of happiness and bliss. I was smug with my little world of love and fun. I miss those days. I want them back so badly! I know my baby girl will bring bliss and I WILL bring bliss to her. She deserves a happy healthy mommy and I am going to become that. She is worth it. I know I can do it for her... I just need to remember that! Thanks for listening again!
ttfn
PS-I drafted 5th in my fantasy football league and it is time for me to live up to my name--ffbgirl--so hopefully some football stuff is coming. I start work Wednesday with meetings and stuff and I want to write about that too. I want to write more about my conference and the job hunt too.
12 comments:
Hi from E. Oklahoma! The first thing I checked this am was your blog and am relieved to see that you're back. I, like many others I'm sure, have been concerned. I am so sorry that you are having a bad time, who can blame you? I can't say anything except to tell you to hang in there, the days are going to get brighter. My baby girl is almost 25, she brought immeasurable joy to my life and I know yours will change your life in GREAT, HAPPY ways. As a parent of adult children, I know this must be devastating for your folks too. I know they are doing their best and are a tremendous help to you. Cling to them, and keep moving forward. Better days are ahead.
Thank you for the award. I was actually going to send you any email to make sure you were okay. Yay baby girl!!!
Dude, it's okay to be upset. You can't magically get over someone. It takes time and you coming to terms with the situation. Maybe something good will come out of seeing the counselor. Take care my friend.
hey there - I don't really remember how I came across your blog but I just had to post a comment. It must be so hard right now for you, it is almost as if you are mourning someone who has passed away. You are mourning the person that you used to know and love and since they aren't acting like that person anymore, it is as if that person has passed. You will have to go through that before you can truly get over being without him in your life.
That being said though you are soooo much better off, as is your little girl. So exciting by the way!! Mine is 7 months old and such a joy, you have no idea what kind of love you are about to experience. Keep her in mind though. You want her to experience the love and caring you once knew, not the cruelty and meanness you are dealing with right now right? If her so called father isn't caring enough to be around now then why would you want her to have him around afterwards? You are strong and you can do this. You are not alone and even though you aren't doing this in the traditional way, I know it won't matter to that little one you are carrying. All she will see and know is a mother who loves her.
I've been reading your story since you posted in the basement. Please feel free to wallow, wallow, wallow, because that makes you VERY normal under your circumstances. If you put energy into trying to be happy to make other people happy, you're taking energy away from honest, healthy healing. There are cycles to grief and you can't just skip one of the steps, however unpleasant. Acting happy doesn't mean the pain is gone, just postponed, and you will never have this much free time to process your feelings again until your child is older - this really as good a time as ever to work through it.
A counselor is a great idea, because a good one can give you support and ideas about how to actively create the life you're going to want for you and your daughter (many, many congratulations, by the way!!!). It sounds like you're working on some good strategies yourself (interviewing, going out and about), but more support is always a good thing, especially to navigate the new motherhood thing. And you don't have to act happy to appease a counselor, so it's a different kind of support than what a family or friend can offer.
You can also look up the stages of grief and print them out to share with your family, so they know what to expect, if you think it will help. It might make your mom feel better if she realizes that you're going to go through stages of disbelief, bargaining, anger, acceptance, depression, etc.
Sorry to be all advicey - I have a lot of sympathy towards what you're going through and hope you can treat yourself gently during this time. It really hasn't been that long since you and your husband have parted, frankly this is just the beginning of a long and painful process (I swear there will be times where you'll make growth, G will sense it and he will try to pull you back in - that will be HARD; there will be times of moving forward and times of moving backward) and it would be abnormal if you were "all healed" by the time your daughter is born. That doesn't mean you won't be able to be there for her, and it also doesn't mean you won't be an amazing mother - I bet you will be fantastic.
hey kid - you do what you need to do. if you'd rather take a break from blogging, do it. if you'd rather write, do it. we'll be here to read when you feel like writing, whether it's sunny or not. if anyone knows about writing depressed entries, it's me. the light will come back, i know it. but until it does, just do what you need. we'll be here for you.
Hey! It's a girl (clapping!).
Congratulations. Think about it! She will look like you and she will be loved by your mom and your sister and more importantly grandpa! Right? She is going to be soooooooo happy!
I am so sorry that G has changed from the man that loved you to a man that just doesn't give damn for the best thing that ever happened to him. But hey, he is mistaken!
G is robbing himself from fatherhood and a little pretty girl who could love him to death!
Don't you worry about a father figure! Your own father can be a great influence in her life. Also, remember, you will meet someone new again in the next few years who will love you and love your little pumpkin.
Just be happy, because the little girl inside you needs happy hormones!
(my ex broke up with me through txt as well. men suck!)
Kisses for yuo and your little pumpkin.
Dude, I had to delurk (which is something I rarely do) and tell you that I have actually been in your shoes, and I know just how hard these days are for you to live through. It's been over 6 years for me, and I assure you that it does get easier and it hurts less and less.
Go ahead and be mad, be sad, be hurt, be frusterated, you have every right to all of those emotions. It sucks, no doubt, and I am so, so, so sorry that you have to go through this. But you are not alone.
Congrats on the award :) well-deserved!
Whoooo! A girl! Girls rock.
Thank you so much for the award. I'm horrible about passing these things on, but I will get on it as soon as I can.
I'm really glad you're going to counseling. It may not seem like it will help you now, and it might take a while, but it should help. I've been in and out of counseling several times and it's always been help of one sort or another.
Don't keep beating yourself up for being sad. You've gone thru an enormous upheaval and it's pretty normal to be so sad about what's gone on. Don't feel guilty that your parents know you're not happy - I'm sure they expected you to be unhappy for a while. This is not an easy thing to go thru and it's going to take a long time to move beyond this. But you will, one day. And every day until then, it will get a little easier. Some days will be worse than others, some days you'll feel like utter crap and just want to crawl under the covers and cry and that's ok. You need to mourn what you had before you can move on.
I was so glad to see an update, even if you think you were whiny. You're not whiny.
Adding a picture:
When you are in your blog dashboard, on a new post, there is a little box that looks like a picture of a mountain. Click on that. Then copy the URL of the photo in to the box there, or the location of the picture on your hard drive. (If you store your photos online, on photobucket or flickr, you can put up pictures from there.) The picture will then appear at the top of your blog - you can move it around. I find it easier to do this in compose mode rather than html mode.
I hope that was clear enough. I'm not great at explaining these things without being able to show you.
Wowza, thanks. It's easy to be nice to someone you like.
A girl! Congratulations! Wonderful news!
As for feeling down, well, I'm not surprised. You've had a really tough year and you're facing being a single parent with a disinterested ex- in the wings. Counseling might be a really good idea.
Thank you for the Nice Matters nod --- I'm just sorry I didn't see it sooner (I haven't been on line a great deal the past couple of weeks). If you want to poach one of the Nice Matters buttons from my site, please do (I have a 'non-pink' version in my sidebar) Just right click on one of them and save the pic to your computer. Then use your BLogger customize option to upload a picture to your sidebar. Dead simple. If you need any help, just email me.
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