I know I keep apologizing for this and I know that at some point what few of you are left will flee for lack of interesting material here at this fair blog, but I at least wanted to check in and give you a quick update...
I have been in Oklahoma with family this past week/weekend... My grandma mysteriously got sick and wound up in the hospital. Me being the pregnant and gross-out fearing person that I am, I didn't actually see her in the hospital, but I at least spent an afternoon in the waiting room... She is still in the hospital but doing better. Prayers and positive thoughts for her are appreciated.
Also while in Oklahoma, my aunt informed my uncle that she is done with their marriage. Hmmm, let me give you a short short version as I want to post on this at length very soon. My aunt and I are very alike. She married a somewhat blue-collar kind of guy who loves her a lot, but who is probably beneath her (similar to me marrying a blue-collar kind of guy whom I thought loved me a lot and is probably beneath me)... I saw their marriage as a hope that G and I would always be OK (before he up and left me)... She has been considering this divorce for a year or so and it has been hard for me to be on her side. I know that is horrible and I should support her and love her no matter what. I do love her, I just hate it that she is quitting on her marriage (of like 25 years). It is not my business and I am judging and thrusting my experiences on a situation that is probably not all that similar, so it makes me feel guilty. But, none the less, that made the weekend less than enjoyable.
I am headed to a BIG conference this week and have TONS to do to get ready. I have TWO (that's right, TWO) interviews set up for this conference with big research one schools. One of the programs just e-mailed me this weekend and I am PUMPED! This school is one of the few with a specialty in my area and other researchers from my research group have gotten jobs there. I interviewed there for their Ph.D. program and didn't get in. The gentleman who e-mailed me about interviewing at the conference is one with whom I had dinner while on my Ph.D. interview and I really enjoyed him. I hope I impressed him back three or four years ago and I hope I can impress him again.
This whole divorce thing is still kicking my ass. I want to boo hoo daily. I try to limit the actual boo-hooing to once a week or so and just have a good cry daily, but it gets hard. It is especially hard after a weekend around a lot of people. I know it will be a challenge at this conference as I cannot mention the pregnancy and WILL NOT mention the divorce... It is just hard to be all smiley and happy all the time when I feel like crap.
I miss G so much it hurts. I ache inside. I just want to go home, and I can't. That is the worse feeling in the world. I know this is home now, but it still doesn't feel like it. I miss my husband and my dog. I miss hugs and kisses in a romantic way. I miss going to sleep with a big guy snoring on the other side of me. I miss waking up annoyed that his alarm is going off and he doesn't even hear it.
I know our marriage was obviously not good, but I sure loved it and it hurts so bad that I don't get to experience it anymore. I just don't know how to cope with how sad this makes me. I try to be positive and just look for the good. I try to be rational and reasonable and accept that I am going to hurt. But how long?? When will I not want to just crawl back into bed every day because facing another day is just a crummy thought? When will this not be so hard?
Oh wait, it is only going to get harder because I have a baby on the way and I will be going through that alone. That scares the crap out of me. I knew I could be a good mom as long as I had G's support and that together we could do this. I know logically that I can do it alone, but it is so much more scary than anything I have ever thought of before. What if I am as bad at it as I think I can be?? What if I can't do this?
And I am still pissed that I have to answer all the questions about being the pregnant one whose husband left... At the lake this weekend I had to tell two different people (basically strangers) at least something about my husband and I just had no clue how to do that. I need to come up with some stock answer, but I am not very good at short and sweet, as you guys know... And I go to a new doctor this week and I am sure I will have to address the father issue there too. I don't want people thinking that I am OK with doing this alone. I am well aware that a two-parent home is preferable. This was not my choice. How do I convey that without giving my life story? And I know I shouldn't care what people think, but I do.
So, this is basically why I have not been writing. I am too afraid it will turn into this--a long whiny gripe fest that no one wants to read. I apologize. If you even made it this far, I thank you for listening to my pain. If you have any advice on dealing, please share it. I am struggling. I am struggling far worse than I really want to let on. I don't think my parents realize that I have not moved forward in any real way emotionally. It is still as painful as it was a month ago. I have gone through the motions and gotten a job and I am looking forward and appearing to be strong on the outside, but inside I am a big glop of mush. And it is painful mush and I don't like it. Sorry again this was such a downer. I hope getting it out of my head will make me feel better, at least. I will try to make tomorrow's post a happier one (Lara tagged me for a meme, so I will do that tomorrow). OK, one last request for hugs and positive thoughts and prayers (last for this post, there will be many more requests like that in my future).
ttfn
14 comments:
Hey it's okay to cry, especially if it helps. And yes, you can do it! Your family sounds wonderful and you are definitely not alone.
I have no doubt that you will do well at the conference. Just be mindful of what you feel but make sure to stay in the moment. The situation might cause pain, but in each misfortune, there is opportunity. It makes room for someone who is better suited. Wish I could be at the conference, but I will need to wait until next year. My thoughts are with you.
I have no doubt that you will do well at the conference. Just be mindful of what you feel but make sure to stay in the moment. The situation might cause pain, but in each misfortune, there is opportunity. It makes room for someone who is better suited, and creates personal growth. Wish I could be at the conference, but I will need to wait until next year. My thoughts are with you.
sweetheart, you gripe and whine and vent as much as you want to, and we'll all still be here to support you. sometimes, that's what you need to do.
i realize that our situations were/are totally different, but i can relate to what you're feeling in some ways. i know how it feels to wonder when (or if) you'll ever stop hurting. but i also know that time can work wonders to heal a heart, and as the months (and someday years) begin to pass, you'll feel better and better. and your friends will be here to hold your hand along the way. always. :)
I too feel your pain, and I for one will keep listening as long as you need to vent. Just got word that my older sibling's 25 year marriage is on the rocks. No children involved, so that's good, but my sib is very much ALONE and worse, lives across the country. I feel helpless.
But remember to cling to your family, they will be your strength when you need it most.
I got divorced last year, so I understand some of what you are going through. It was so much more difficult than anyone I knew thought it would be, much less me. My marriage wasn't very good from the beginning, so the pain of divorce was unexpected. Allowing myself to cry helped me, allowing myself to go a little crazy. Mostly, finding people who do understand- that made the biggest difference. I joined a divorce care program at my church, and the women I've met have been the most amazing! Friends I will keep forever. Talking about what you're going through, even when you aren't sure what it is, and knowing that the people around you have been there, or are there, too- it's very comforting. I'm sending comforting thoughts and prayers your way. I live in Georgia, so I'm not convenient, but I am willing to listen- being able to vent is important too. You will make it through, even though it doesn't always seem like it. And you will be happy again, you will laugh, and you will be much stronger than you ever thought possible.
Elisabeth
eeyrephilippi@yahoo.com
Cry if it helps. Don't ever be afraid to cry. Ok, well maybe don't do it while in line at the market, but you know. Have a good cry. It doesn't make you a bad person to be sad about what's happened.
Divorce sucks. Even when it's for the best, it still sucks. It hurts and screws you up in the head for a while. I don't know anyone who's gone thru a divorce and hasn't felt a bit nuts and overwhelmed. You are perfectly normal that way. I railed at the heavens when I went thru mine and I was the one who wanted it (I was sick of being married to a drunk).
You can do the single mum thing. It won't be easy, but it sounds like you have a good support network at home and it seems like you have a lot of people cheering you on online. Maybe it's not much, but it's something.
You will get thru this. It may not seem that way now, but you will.
Bottom line, it's okay to take some time to become okay. Even if you feel like you're not moving along at all. It's a step you'll see when you look back, a necessary part of the whole grieving thing. Having gone/going through some recent heartbreak (loss of my sister - who is still alive but out-of-reach), I can relate to the feeling sort of trapped in your life, wanting to grab onto something you know is out there, but you can't (grab on).
And I didn't find it whiny. I found it newsy, and refreshing to hear from you.
holy crap! i feel like the crappiest friend ever!!! i had no idea you were going thru all of that! you should have called me! (not trying to sound like your mom or anything =D) so, now that i have admitted to my crappy friendness, you better call me ALL THE FREAKING TIME!!!! if you need me to come down for the weekend or come down in the middle of the night for a hug, whatever, you can be sure that i will drive my ass from edmond, ok to come be with you. and you can guarantee that i will be down there for when "the hulk" arrives! oh, and you can also guarantee that i will give G a swift kick to the balls next time i see him. shoot, i just might punch him in the eye too, seeing as he deserves way more than that! i love you to pieces lady!
your post is not a downer, babe. you're so strong. :) and you'll be fine. give yourself time. every breath will get easier.
Hi I just found your blog. I am sorry that you are going thru this. It's okay to cry especially if it releases some of those painful emotions.
How did more interviews go? How's the baby? Any new sonograms?
I'm so sorry. No one should have to feel this way. Take care of yourself.
If anyone has reason to whine and gripe, you do. Don't feel guilty about it, that's part of the healing process. And don't think you're burdening anyone by putting it out there for the whole blogging world to read, either. You need comfort right now, and we fellow bloggers can at least offer that.
My prayers are certainly with you.
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