Friends, not the sitcom

So I am a 25-year-old who still so badly wants to be liked by the cool kids. Really badly. And, had you asked me three weeks ago, I would have said the cool kids did like me and had let me in their clique. Yes, my friends have a clique. OK, I will be honest, we have a motorcycle "gang" or club... We ride together, do things together, generally like one another, look out for each other, have fun together. We used to all be a really close-knit group. And I really felt like a part of it. Often I felt like the leader of it. There are quite a few of us. Let me give you the roll call list:




Me (bike name clutch because I am still scared riding on a motorcycle so I clutch the driver, sometimes too tightly)

picture taken at BikeWeek where I found the trike I want... I don't think I will ever actually drive a bike, but I can dream...








G, my husband. He drives a victory kingpin. He loves his motorcycle almost as much as he loves his wife. (bike name the hand because he often uses his hand to make fun of the many women in his life who yammer on and on--think open and close hand as motion to "yeah yeah yeah...")

night one of bikeweek... isn't he handsome?

















*Jim, a deputy sheriff in town, drives a harley davidson soft tail, probably the real leader of the gang. (bike name EZ because he is so easy going)


in the midst of upside down margaritas at bikeweek...








*Amanda, a civil engineer, recently began driving her own victory custom cruiser, used to ride on back of Jim's bike when they were being friendly. (bike name ST Junk because of a long story that relates to how uncomfortable the bitch seat on Jim's bike is)

me and amanda at Gilly's at bikeweek.







Christina, an RN, rides bitch for Jim, great fun girl! (bike name Gigglez because she giggles all the time)



ez and gigz laughing it up at bikeweek.

*Scott, a contractor, drives a hd fat boy, used to be a cop, used to be a marine, likes cheap-looking women, generally fun. (bike name TumBull because when he drinks too much he needs lots of Tums and he really likes Red Bull...)

scott and I riding at biketoberfest

Omar, another deputy sheriff in town, drives an hd vrod, not a core member of group, very much a clumsy rider. (bike name bent because he wrecks too much)

the result of an upside down margarita accident

*Al, a realtor and transportation supervisor, drives an hd heritage softtail, great fun guy, always good for a laugh, great point man (which means he usually rides in the front and leads on rides). (bike name still being determined... could be keys bc he dropped his keys in the ocean at a bike rally, could be blue mints bc of a long story involving porta potties and jim beam)

Al lookin cool by his bike





*Denise, an office manager, rides bitch for Al, another fun chic, is a mom to a 20 year old, always trying to make al eat something weird. (bike name sparky because at her hotel at a bike rally she found a roach on the balcony and picked it up because she was shocked to find it)

Denise and al at Ponce Inslet during bikeweek

Nikki, a restaurant manager, rides a honda rebel 250, single mom to two girls, fiercely independent but traditional at heart, tons of fun, usually smiling and laughing but has a taste for the dramatic (especially with jerry), loves to be the center of attention. (bike name yet to be determined but she wants the princess or the blow off and I vote for call me because she doesn't ever say bye to a man she knows, she says call me and then blows them off)

Nikki and Jerry at bikeweek... don't they look good together?

Jerry, a UPS driver, doesn't have a bike yet--Nikki's rebel is actually Jerry's, but its a girl bike so he has pretty much given it to her, but when we all do ride, he rides that bike and Nik rides bitch, good ol' country boy, still in love with Nikki (did I mention they lived together up until recently), likes to talk politics with me. (bike name yet to be determined because due to his situation with nikki he is not a permanent member just yet and due to the fact that he doesn't have a bike...)

____________________________

So what do the stars mean? One star means is one of the cool kids. They don't actually know about this name. But they are the ones who seem to have the whole bike thing down. When Amanda was still riding bitch, she always made a point to say that she rode better than I did (or at least i felt like she did). Jim knows most about riding around here.

And let me tell you about their history...

Fourth of July, Jim rescues a girl friend of ours from her drunken self. Amanda saw this and this caused her to see Jim in a whole new light. Jim already had the hots for Amanda and so they started a little thing.

But, Jim is 44 and Amanda is 26... The age thing was an issue for her.

But the bigger thing to her (it seemed from my perspective) was that even though they had started a relationship, she was still looking for better things. She was honest with him about this. He was honest with her that he was ok with this. But he wasn't honest with himself that he wasn't ok with it... They went round and round for six months and all the while Jim is devoted to Amanda and she is less than devoted to him... She finds other men to pay attention to her and when they stop paying attention she goes back to Jim.

As Jim's friend, this sucks. As Amanda's friend, I would try to help her see how that was a bad way to be.

It all came to a head at New Year's Eve. Jim, Amanda, G and I go to a fancy (expensive) dinner. Jim pays for her. Then we go to our favorite bar. While they are no longer dating, they were there together.

Then, a random previous f-buddy of amanda's showed up. (a little history on that, after a one night stand the guy told her he moved to jacksonville... we don't think he did, he just wanted to use her and get away, but she let him) So amanda starts talking to the f-buddy. She comes to us (me, G, and jim) and says sorry, but I am going with him because I really want to do him (not her exact words, hers were more harsh)... And LEAVES with him. Sorry, but you dance with the one who brung ya!

Jim was crushed. Not that he expected anything from her that night other than to be his date for the night. Plain and simple. And she screwed that up. Luckily, though, (so I thought at the time) this made Jim see how wrong she had been doing him. So Jim told her they could no longer even be close friends for a while so he could get over the hurt and fall out of love with her.

So we didn't see Amanda for a good two months.

During those two months, I was Jim's best friend. We talked daily. He called me all the time. I reassured him that things would be OK. We hung out with him and the new girls he would bring around. We were ok to kick her out of the group because she had done him wrong.

But, of course, she showed back up... With her new (not new bc she had been with him while dating jim and he had treated her like poop) guy in tow. It started that Jim needed a date for the Daytona 500 and he couldn't take me bc that would be inappropriate.

Then, she rode to bikeweek with Jim, the new guy met her there and she left with the new guy... (don't even get me started on her and this guy during biketoberfest--when she and jim were still somewhat of a couple). Jim also had other women ride with him while she was there with the new guy. We all got along just fine. If he can forgive her wrong doing, so can I.

Then we get back from bikeweek. Amanda decides (after seeing jim with other women) that she really does want to be with him... (does it sound to anyone else that she doesn't really want him, she just doesn't want anyone else to have him) And so now things are all hot and heavy again.

And guess what? I am no longer Jim's best friend. he never calls me or G... He will only ride when it is convenient for her. If he doesn't come up with the big plan and she is so so about it then they aren't in.

This really hurts my feelings. If Jim calls and wants g and I to ride with him and we had other plans, we will usually rearrange them to ride with him. We are good friends to him. We care about him. he only cares about us when she isn't around. It pisses me off. I don't care if they have a relationship. I care if their relationship ruins my friendship with Jim.

And I have even talked to him about it. I told him that I am happy for them to be together but that he needs to make more of an effort to not exclude me from his life. To remember that I was there in the thin, and that I want to be there in the thick.

I also know I shouldn't care. If they don't want to hang out with me, then my hubbie says I should be able to say f-em. But it still hurts my feelings.

Yesterday, I send a text out asking the gang if they want to ride and go have dinner and drinks in the next town. I get a yes from G, Nikki, and Jerry. I get a maybe from Omar. I get no response from Al, Denise and Scott (I didn't invite Christina--oops). I get an e-mail from Amanda saying her phone is dead, but they are eating in but are down for riding and drinks. I get a text from jim saying that he is meeting amanda at 5 they were going to run around and then go to lils for a short time and no on dinner. I send back asking if he got amanda's e-mail, that she wanted to go riding but if he didn't then for them to have fun. This really hurt my feelings. I was already having a bad day.

So I decided to go have a drink after work. I didn't think anyone would be there (G was driving back from out of town work, nik and jer were at work). I drive to Lils to see three bikes parked there. Initially I drove off bc I didn't want them to think I had come there to eat with them. But then I decided I had had a bad day and wanted a drink and they weren't going to stop me.

Period.

So I walk in and see Jim and Amanda on the far side of the bar deep in conversation. I stay on the other side of the bar and order my drink, pay, and go sit outside by myself. And mind you, I hate being by myself. had they not been there I would have sat at the bar and talked to people. but i didn't want to talk to them and I didn't want them thinking I was there to hang with them. I have not heard from either one of them all day. I usually hear from one of them every day.

I mean, what was that all about. Am I not cool enough to have drinks with? It just sucks when they hurt my feelings. And they get hurt a lot. We all pick on each other, but they seem to pick on me more than the others (jim only does this when amanda is around)... I hate it that I so easily get my feelings hurt. It really makes me almost cry. Why am I only good enough to be friends with when there are no other options? Why am I just a back up friend? That sucks.

And I don't want to write them off because I know one of them (probably Jim) will need me when things go sour. And I just won't be the kind of person that won't be there for them. That is just spiteful. I don't know...

Sorry for such a long random down post... I just wanted to get that off my chest. I know I didn't cover all the angles of it. At least now you can know the cast of characters of who my friends are...

ttfn