Second Trimester Afternoon Sickness?!?

I made it through the first trimester with no major feelings of yuckiness! Thank God!

I am a wuss and could not have handled daily puking or anything like that! I said God must have known that and spared me.

I have been in my second trimester for a few days now, and I think maybe God forgot or something... Tuesday night we went out for Mexican food and on Wednesday I felt yucky all day long. I attributed it to the Mexican food. So, today, mid-afternoon, I got all yucky feeling again!

And it seemed typical "morning sickness" kind of yucky in that I just felt yucky and certain smells (specifically the marinating turkey breast my mom put in the oven) about sent me to the can... I am so going to be upset if this becomes a daily thing. I know it is a little early to panic and it is only two days of yucky and I shouldn't complain, but I am getting nervous.

Is increased anxiety a common symptom in the second trimester?? The other day I was worried about weight gain (specifically in my butt), and today I am freaking out about afternoon sickness...

Paranoid much?

I think so!

So, don't worry about me, I am just stressing about every little thing. My mom and I almost headed to the ER yesterday because of weird cramps in my tummy (I called the new doc, but because they haven't seen me they can't give me medical advice)... I think I might be focusing my life stress onto stressing about baby stuff... I don't know...

I think I will have to post a belly pic in the near future, but cross your fingers that it can wait until after my upcoming conference. There is a HUGE job fair at this conference and I am NOT telling potential employers that I am preggo (so let's hope they can't notice!).

Sorry for the randomness, I am just trying to get back into the habit of daily (or almost daily) postings.

P.S. Major Kudos to my dad for helping me set up Quicken for all my bills and stuff! He Rocks my Socks!!

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Good News

I GOT THE JOB!!!

I am very pleased to announce that I will be teaching introduction to mass communication at my local community college starting in the Fall semester!

The interview could not have gone better! I already have started bonding with my supervisor and she is just fabulous!

I am very excited! I really needed some good news and this surely is! I will give more details tomorrow!

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Pregnancy Phenomenon

Part of moving meant I took a look at what fits and what doesn't. Before I moved I gave away five trash bags of skinny clothes. I finally broke down and gave away those size 10 clothes that I moved from Oklahoma to Florida that never fit while I lived in Florida. I also gave away most of my size 12 clothes, seeing as those haven't fit in well over a year. I did keep a few size 12 items that have fit in the last year, but those size 12s fit only after a span on addipex (a wonder drug, btw).

So when I got home and started going through my clothes, I discovered the first casualty of my pregnancy... Wait, wait, wait. Let me give a little back story here...

While on the road, I was noticing that my underwear were not fitting quite the way I like them to. I just thought maybe this had something to do with extended periods of time in the car and my behind just being tired of taking the brunt of the trip...

So, back home and going through my clothes... I have a whole duffel bag of blue jeans to be put away. I decide I better try on my jeans to see what fits and what doesn't. All the jeans in the bag are size 14. These jeans all fit somewhat recently. So I start trying them on, and one by one, I realize that NONE of them fit. And it isn't that my belly is getting in the way. My belly hasn't really grown much yet.

No no! It is not the belly.

It is my butt.

My butt has grown. I have lost weight during my first trimester, but my but has gotten bigger.

OK all you moms out there, is this normal?? WTF??? My butt? Bigger?!? This is just not going to work for me!

So all day today I have had anxiety about getting bigger. I have three pairs of non-maternity jeans that still fit. I have one pair of capri pants that still fit. My t-shirts still fit. That's about it. God please let something in my work wardrobe still fit for my interview tomorrow so I can go in and not look pregnant.

OK, so any have any pregnancy-butt-getting-bigger stories to share?? Please share them. I am freaking out a little that I am becoming an uncute pregnant lady and dear God all I want is to be a cute pregnant lady! Please, just let my belly get round and the rest of me conform to my new shape. I am OK with never being thin, but I just don't want to get fat and gross. (Don't get me started right now on my prospects of never having sex again seeing as my husband has left me and men do not want sex with random pregnant women... not that I want random sex, but that isn't the point here.)

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On an unrelated note, I just got back from CVS where I fell down while my mom and I were leaving. Wow that sucked! They had been cleaning the floors and didn't post a sign and I was in flip flops and down I went. My mom freaked out and yelled at me about wearing flip flops and worried about me and this made me feel bad and made me cry. Then she freaked about the crying. It was not fun. I feel fairly OK... My wrist is a little sore and I will have a little boo-boo on my knee, but otherwise it wasn't that bad. I am a little worried about what falling means as a pregnant person... Should I be worried? Just wanted to share that tid bit...

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Home (bitter) Sweet Home

Well, I made it home. I tried to post from the road, but I was just too plum wore out to get it done... Sorry!

So, our adventure went as follows:

• Finished packing just as movers arrived on Wednesday morning.
• Movers were loading stuff in truck when Dad got to G'ville.
• G was actually helpful in packing and directing movers in their loading of stuff.
• Paid for a whole extra hour of movers' time because of the two-hour minimum when they only needed an hour to get my crap loaded.
• Went to copy place to print, sign, and get notarized our separation agreement.
• Got a half-ass one arm hug and mumble for a goodbye (he personifies cowardly asshat more and more).
• Went and got Subway with my dad and departed from G'ville without any major emotional breakdowns.
• Drove for maybe three hours and decided we had had enough driving for the day.
• Found a hotel with a restaurant and free WiFi (see, I intended to post).
• Ate dinner and fell asleep by 7 p.m. (I know, sad).

Day Two

• After a restless night of me and Dad being awake and asleep, we got up at 5 a.m. and were on the road by 6 a.m.
• We drove all day without anything really worth mentioning... We ate breakfast in Mississippi, didn't really eat lunch, made it into Louisiana before 2 p.m., and decided to haul all the way to Shreveport so we could get a little gambling in.
• Stopped for the night in Bosier City at 3 p.m.
• Gambled for an hour, won almost $50 at the craps table!!
• Ate dinner at the buffet and headed to the room by 6 p.m. We swore we would try to stay awake until 8 p.m. We failed at that attempt.
• Fell asleep before 7 p.m., woke up at 10:30 or so, stayed awake for four hours or so, and fell back asleep until 5:30 or so...

Day Three

• We were on the road again by 6 a.m. with less than 4 hours to get home!!
• Crossing the state line between Texas and Louisiana was emotional for me. It just really sunk in that this was really happening. I know my dad was appreciative that I didn't have any major emotional breakdowns on the trip, but I know he noticed the quiet tears as we crossed the state line.
• Arrived home and spent most of Friday doing nothing--I did help my dad download music for the firs time, went grocery shopping, that was about it.

So, then yesterday we had movers come and rearrange furniture upstairs and help us unload the truck. That took only 2 hours but cost $250... But, we got all my stuff to fit in my room upstairs and in the garage. My folks can still fit both their cars in the garage along with half of my crap!

After the movers were done, my mom helped me start unpacking. It went fairly well. We got all my clothes unpacked and even got my bathroom arranged. We got my new sheets washed to put on my new bed. The deal with the new bed is this, G and I ordered that bed a few months ago but we never slept on it because the box springs wouldn't fit upstairs in our town house, so we were just going to wait until we moved to use the new bed. We put the new sheets on and then mom started ragging on me about my pillows that they were too old and lumpy. She demanded that I pitch my old pillows and use some of her new ones. Then, she moved on to complaining about how dusty my desk was. She sent me to the bathroom to get a wet washcloth to deal with the dust.

Pair all of her nagging with the realization that our new bed was only going to be my new bed and the fact (although I didn't know this yet) that my blood sugar had dropped dangerously low, I had a meltdown at this point. I just started bawling and I couldn't stop. It was one of those cries that gets going so hard you can't really breathe. Well, my mom got bothered that I was crying and yelled at me more. I tried to communicate with her, but I was crying too hard. Luckily she figured out that I had low blood sugar and got me downstairs for some juice. It was pretty ugly though.

My mom is fabulous and my best friend, but she needs to work on her dealing with my tears. Anytime she finds me crying she asks, "Why are you crying?" Often times, the only real reason I am crying is the state of affairs of my life. There isn't always one specific thing that will set me off, and I think it is OK to just cry every once in a while. I understand that it hurts her to see me hurting, but I wish she would just hug my neck and let me cry without asking for an explanation. I talked to her a little bit about this yesterday, and I think she might be better about it in the future. We shall see.

On other fronts, I have a job interview Tuesday. I had applied at a local CC for their journalism department, but last I had heard they had filled the position. Then, literally as Dad and I were just driving out of town, I checked my e-mail on my phone and found an e-mail asking me if I could interview because the person they had hired had flaked on them. This was really symbolic for me. Here I was leaving my husband and my life with no clue as to what my future would hold, and I got an e-mail asking me to interview for a position that will really work well for me! I e-mailed back and fourth with the hiring professor and in the end, she even asked me to be sure and bring my social security card to the interview. How many job interviews require a SS card?? I took that as a good sign.

Then, when I got home, I checked my e-mail and found an e-mail from a big R1 school asking me to interview at an upcoming conference. This is the first time a school has contacted me about interviewing, and I was really excited about this. This too was a sign from God that everything is going to be OK.

So, please send LOTS of positive thoughts and prayers my way on Tuesday that this interview goes well and that I get the job. I still need prayers and positive thoughts that I get through my life drama too, but this is some new stuff worth talking about, and good stuff worth talking about, so I like that!

I hope to post more regularly now that I am a little settled in. I might take some pics of the unpacking process. I am also working on an ode to my dad. He just freaking ROCKS for so many reasons, and I need to write about that. I will also work on being a better commenter.

Oh yeah, one more thing. A friend of mine with whom I worked on my master's has started a blog. Go check her out: Stupid American. She rocks my socks off! Her stuff is often way above my head, but she always makes me think!

Thank you very much for all the support and love. I cannot really explain how much it helps and makes me smile and feel loved. I so appreciate the virtual hugs. I still need lots of hugs, so these really mean a lot to me. Thank you so much!

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Packing it up

Well, I am leaving in two days. My dad is flying out and will meet me at my house on Wednesday morning. I will have already picked up the moving truck and will hopefully have things loaded by the time he gets here. We are taking a three-day drive home (no one day will require more than 6 hours of driving), and Dad is really trying to do his best to make this drive home an adventure. I know this will be a sad little drive for me, so I appreciate his efforts.

G is so done. It breaks my heart every time we interact. I have asked him for hugs and he refuses. I try to talk to him and he tunes me out. He is just done and that hurts so deeply. I don't know if this is his defense mechanism or his guilt or if he really just hates my guts. I think he wants me to feel like he hates my guts. That is hard to swallow.

I am still worried about him. My mom thinks he is on drugs and until today I totally dismissed that idea. Here is why I say until today... He spends extended periods of time in the bathroom. I know, typical male behavior, but I mean abnormally extended periods of time. He got home from running an errand at 10 p.m. tonight. He immediately went upstairs into the bathroom and stayed there for an hour (not an exaggeration). Mind you, he had already had his post-work bathroom visit. Then, he came downstairs (I had asked him to just sit and watch TV with me). We ordered pizza, waited for it to be delivered, and then ate it. Then, he went upstairs again and was in the bathroom for at least 30 minutes. Then he came back down and took the dog out. Then, he went upstairs and went to the bathroom again (this time only for a few moments)... But, what is going on there?? Is he just hanging out in there to hide from me? I don't think he is using his phone in there because I have listened by the door (yes, I am that sad and pathetic). It is just plain weird. I just think he might be going in there and using drugs of some form (non-smelly drugs). Any ideas or clues? I guess the other option is that he is in there looking at his girly mags and do what men do with girly mags. Regardless, it is weird and I want to know what is going on.

So, I leave in two days to move home. My folks are still being amazing. Being here is quite possibly the hardest thing I have done yet. I say yet because I know I am facing difficult tasks left and right in my future. I hope to post once or twice from the road, so keep your fingers crossed that I can get free Internet access at one of our hotels. Please keep sending prayers, positive thoughts, and hugs my way. I need lots of them!

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Really cool ultrasound

I had my 11-week checkup on Tuesday. I had my first REALLY cool experience as a mom.

They were supposed to hear the heartbeat, but it was still too early. Instead they did another ultrasound (this is my third so far)!!

This time, the little being actually looked like a human!! It was so cool!! He/She has an identifiable head and legs and stuff. I could really tell what I was looking at on the screen! It was just amazing. As the nurse pushed around with her little scope thingy the baby flipped over a few times, kicked his/her feet, and even rolled over. Oh my God I cannot tell you how amazing that was!!!

I really cannot use enough exclamation points to convey just how cool and exciting this was. It makes me so happy, and I can't really explain it. It is just so wonderful to see this little being inside me and see him/her moving and acting and responding to stimulation. I so cannot wait for being able to feel the movement!

This was such a much-needed bright spot that I will live off of for a while.

So, without further adieu... Here is The Hulk. You can see how the head is on the right in the first two and then on the left in the last one.

Trying to get to the next phase

I have been MIA for a while. Sorry!

So, I spent the week of fourth of July with my family and escaped from my problems for a little while. My crazy Grandma came with my sister and her family so I had to keep my problems on the DL... It was hard work, but it was also really nice to just pretend that I was happily married and that all was well in my world.

Garrett and I talked on the phone and texted and were fairly pleasant with each other that whole week. I really got my hopes up that when I got home home we would work things out.

Then, the Friday night before I came home, we had another MEGA blowout on the phone. It became clear to me again that he had given up on our marriage. It sent me into heartbreak all over again. I was mad at myself for getting my hopes up, but then again who can blame me...

So, I flew home on Tuesday for a doctor's appointment Wednesday. I spoke to G over the weekend to confirm that he was willing to drive the two hours to the airport to pick me up on his birthday. I offered to call friends to see who could pick me up, and I offered to come in on Monday so he wouldn't have to make the drive on his birthday. He said no to both offers. So, on Tuesday about five minutes before I board the plane he texts me saying he doesn't want to pick me up at the airport and how selfish of me to yet again demand he tailor to my every whim and drive all that way on his birthday. Geez. So, I quickly texted everyone I could think of asking anyone who could make the two-hour drive to text G and tell him he needn't pick me up. I had to get on the plane and turn my phone off, so I had no clue who would be picking me up (if anyone).

When I landed and turned my phone back on, luckily, one of my friends had arranged with G to pick me up. Thank God for good friends with flexible jobs! But really, how rude and embarrassing and cowardly for G to back out of picking me up at the last minute. I was pissed. My folks were pissed.

That night, G stayed at work until after midnight (on his birthday and day off--sucks to be him) and texted me at 12:30 to ask if I was in bed yet. I asked him if that was what he was waiting for to come home. He said it was. I tried to go to bed, but I couldn't really sleep. He came home and I was still up so he went straight to his room without speaking to or looking at me. I tried to leave him alone, but my self control sucks, so I went to his room and tried to talk to him. He refused. He kept saying he just wanted to be left alone. He threatened to leave. I told him I deserved at least a face to face conversation. Finally, I said, fine, just look me in the eye and tell me you quit and I will leave you alone. He looked at me and said I quit, so I went to bed.

Needless to say I was (and still am) devastated. I woke up yesterday with a mission in mind. I had a doctor's appointment (which went great), and I had tons of things to do.

I opened a new checking account. I searched for an attorney. I e-mailed back and fourth with G about the division of our assets and liabilities. I was very productive. Today I made an appointment with my new OB. I got boxes to start packing. I found a moving truck at a reasonable price. My dad and I started planning the adventure that will be the two- or three-day drive home.

So, I am leaving. My marriage is over--whether I want it to be or not. I am looking at single motherhood. I am searching for strength and finding it where I least expect it (inside me).

My family is still being a HUGE support (as they always have been and will continue to be). My mom is trying to get my sister to come with her late next week to help me pack up my stuff. My dad is trying to make me excited about the drive home.

I have started searching for a job at home. I still need to talk with my advisor about finishing my dissertation from a distance--including taking my qualifying exams, defending them, and the whole dissertation process--YIKES!

So, God I hope and pray I can transition into the next phase, whatever that phase will be. There are still lots of unanswered questions. There is still much business to take care of.

Thank you for the support I have been getting. Please keep it coming. I know I am MIA in the blogsphere, but I am going to try to get back more often. I tend to retreat and hide when life gets hard, but that is no excuse.

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