Prayer/Positive Thoughts Request

As I have eluded to in previous posts, things in my world are bad. I wrote a letter to Her Bad Mother's basement, and I decided to post it here as well. I don't mean to bring anybody down, but writing about it helps me in some way--though I don't really know how.

I am afraid I am losing my husband and I am 2 months pregnant. We have been "fussing" for the last few months, but I attributed it to his highly stressful job. Then, all of a sudden, about 2 or 3 weeks ago, he drunkenly confesses that he thinks about killing himself and that he has been unhappy for three months and he thinks it is because of me.

That was bad, it gets worse.

I tried to be more supportive. I tried not to make him walk on eggshells around me (which he claimed he has done as long we have been together). I tried to do more around the house, I tried not to bug him at work. I tried to support him. I also didn't go out with him on a couple of occasions.

My husband rides a motorcycle, so when he goes out for a drink, I ask that he text me when he leaves the bar so I know he is OK driving home. On one of his out occasions without me, he texted me that he was coming home. Over 45 minutes later, he still wasn't home. I drove around looking for him. I called some friends who had been out with him and it turns out he had followed home his best friend, Nikki. Nikki and I used to be friends, but I ended that relationship a few months ago because I thought it wasn't healthy for me or my family. My husband refused to end his friendship with her, saying they work together (true) and that he shouldn't have to get rid of her. But, this particular night, he hadn't mentioned that he was following her home (she also rides a bike and lives in a shady neighborhood so this isn't unusual) and it was taking WAY TOO LONG. When I found him heading from the direction of her house, I met him back at the house. He got IRATE that I questioned his where-abouts. He said he hadn't even gone all the way to her house, but he couldn't explain why it had taken so long. This argument evolved into another tirade of him saying he is so unhappy.

The next day I discover he has called Nikki several times while he was out of our house and I ask him about it and he denies the phone calls. I tell him the cell phone company must have an error and we need to address that.

So then two nights later, he works until 1 a.m. Once home, he left to go to another manager's house (who happens to live one building over from Nikki) house. Interesting thing here was that he took the car, not the bike, so I couldn't go check on him. He stayed out til 5 a.m. When I called and texted he would leave the room and only talked to me alone. I never heard the other manager. He wouldn't let me talk to the other manager on the phone.

When he finally got home at 5 a.m., he tells me he's done. He is tired of me not trusting him and this that and the other. He goes on and on about he is unhappy and how he feels like I don't care and how if I would put as much energy toward our marriage as I do toward questioning Nikki that we would be better. He complains about how I didn't know he was so unhappy (HE NEVER TOLD ME). He says he can't be with a person who doesn't trust him.

I try to express that I want to fix our problems and that I want to contribute to his happiness. I ask for a hug and he refuses. When that happens, I lose my mind. So, at about 4:30 central time (I live in Eastern time), I call my folks and wake them up and spill my guts that they need to come be with me and give me a hug. That is all I want. I was sad and lonely and scared. Here I am pregnant and my husband has just told me he is done (though he won't expand on what that means).

I go to work that day and have a full day. By the evening, my dad has arrived from out of town. As I am packing up a few things to spend the night in the hotel with my dad, G asks me what I am doing. I had not mentioned to him that I had asked my folks to come to town. When I said that I was getting my stuff together to go to dinner and the econolodge with my dad, my husband looked hurt and sad.

He said, "You told you parents?"

I said, "I had to, I needed a hug."

That was about the end of that conversation. He and I texted and talked on the phone over the next three days while I was finishing my work week. During that week, I asked him NOT to hang out with Nikki. He protested, but as far as I can tell, he complied.

Before I left, I asked G if he would sit down and talk with me so we could set some goals for our time apart. He said he didn't think that was a good idea. I asked him if he saw these two weeks as a little time out after which I will return home and we will evaluate our situation. He said that was how he saw it. I don't like that idea at all, but if he won't talk to me, I can't make him.

Then on Friday, I flew home with my dad. While I have been here, I have been looking at our cell phone records to see when and to whom my husband is talking and texting. I find out he has had two late-night almost hour long phone conversations with Nikki. These conversations have happened after he had told me goodnight.

So, yesterday,

I say, "Did you talk on the phone last night?"
G: "No..."
me: "So what about Friday night?"
G: "No..."
me: "Hmmm, so you didn't talk to Nikki on the phone for 45 minutes Friday night/"
G: "I said NO! This is f-ing B.S. I am so not getting into this right now..."
me: "Well, then we need to call the cell phone company because they are showing a 45 minute phone call between you two at about midnight Friday night."
G: "Well I don't know, but I have to go..."

We text back and fourth a bit and he eventually calls me back. He admits that he had in fact had that conversation with her.

So, now I am IRATE. I have finally caught him in a lie. I have had my suspicions about his relationship with her, but he has said time and again that NOTHING is going on there. I really don't think anything physical is going on, and I just can't make him understand that having an emotional relationship with her is still cheating... I am not crazy.

So, we talk back and fourth and I finally lay it out for him. That he has to pick her or me. That I cannot remain married to him if he cannot end his friendship with her. He says he has to think about that.

WHAT?!?! You have to think about that. Oh now I am overwhelmed. So we end that conversation. I send him a text message that basically says this is bull shit and he needs to be a man and face his responsibilities and that he is married to me and that our marriage deserves a chance.

Later that day he texts letting me know he is leaving work and again that he is home. We talked on the phone a few times that evening and it went well. We talked again this morning. It went OK. I mentioned that I would like to schedule a time to have a conversation about our marriage. He again is hesitant. I ask again if he has talked to her. He says he hasn't because he asked her not to call or text him. I believe him because I saw the cell phone records and there were no calls between them.

Over the course of our last conversation today, he keeps saying he just wants to be left alone. He complains that that is the only thing he wants and I can't give him that. So, I give in. I told him that I would give him two days, but that was it. I told him to call me in two days and have something to say. That he needs to know whether he wants our marriage to work in two days or "I am getting my affairs in order."

It is killing me. I miss him terribly. I want to talk to him. I want him to want to talk to me. I don't want to doubt his every action and word. I really don't think he has physically cheated on me, but he makes that harder and harder to believe.

Our child deserves to have two loving parents together. Our child deserves a childhood like the one I had. I am so sad for my child. I don't want my child to look at me someday and ask why Daddy left us... That breaks my heart.

I am also scared out of my mind. I don't want to be a single mother. I am afraid beyond belief of how hard that will be. I am not an alone person. At all. I know that about myself. I am freaking out here. I can't really sleep at night and I am just sick over this. I know I need to not stress because it is bad for the baby, but I am failing at that.

This is so scary. Please think positive thoughts for me. If you pray, please pray that my husband will realize that he loves me and wants to be with only me. Please pray that I will learn how to better carry my weight in this marriage. Please pray that we will learn to face our fears together. Please pray that my husband will learn that he has to make a conscious choice every day to be happy. Please pray that I will not wind up a single mother. Oh dear God, please just pray that this works out. And if you don't pray, just think positive about all these things.

ttfn