Blessings

As I face the very real possibility of a divorce and single-motherhood, I also face a realization that I am very blessed.

Right now I want to focus on the good, so I want to send a very big thank you!!! Thank you so much to the following fabulous women of the blogsphere:

• Mommy Off the Record
• Lara
• Nikki
• Ali
• KD
• Betsy
• Tabba
• Jill B*

**A special thank you to Jill B for posting a whole post about boogers (or oatmeal--yeah, keep telling yourself that it was oatmeal--haha) just to make me smile. I really need to smile a lot these days, so any and all booger (or other gross 4th-grade like substances) stories are appreciated!

You fine women all took the time to send me virtual hugs, and I really need lots of hugs, so I appreciate it.

I really think we are going to divorce. I really think my child is going to grow up with divorced parents. I cannot begin to express the sadness I feel for not only my own loss, but for the loss my child suffers before he or she even gets here.

I really haven't wrapped my head around it all yet. I am still holding out some hope that everything will work out, but that amount of hope gets smaller every day. I am still so torn as to whether to believe he is having an affair. Why won't people who are having affairs just own up to it?? That would make this all a lot easier, I promise. That would hurt, but it would hurt less than this.

Oh, but I am focusing on the positive. So, a little more positive. I am also so blessed because of my family. I cannot imagine facing this without their love and support. My mom and dad have already opened their home to me and my child. My sister is my biggest advocate and she is coaching me to be strong.

She tells me that I do not have to feel ashamed (which I do anyways).

She tells me that I have nothing to be embarrassed about (but I still feel that way).

She tells me that this is not my fault (which I don't totally believe).

She tells me that I am not a failure as a wife (but looking for divorce attorneys tells me otherwise).

She even tells me that someone will love me again and that I will have the chance to prove that I am a good wife, some day (I struggle to believe that too).

She reminds me that I deserve to be happy and that at some point I have to stand up and tell him that I am done (I really can't do that).

My sister has committed to being my birth partner (and here comes more shame and sadness--oh that poor woman in room whatever, she doesn't have a husband. I cried today about how the birthing of a child is supposed to be this fabulous bonding moment between husband and wife and I don't get that).

I know I am lucky to have the strength and love of my family. Especially at this time when I feel more weak and sad than I have ever felt in my life. I was almost smug about how I had never really faced hardship. How's that for a goocher... I am facing hardship. My mom and dad and I cried hard today. They are sad for my loss. They are sad for my baby's loss.

He said he does love me. He also said he has been happier since I have been away. His answer to almost any question is "I don't know."

What is going on??

ttfn

Prayer/Positive Thoughts Request

As I have eluded to in previous posts, things in my world are bad. I wrote a letter to Her Bad Mother's basement, and I decided to post it here as well. I don't mean to bring anybody down, but writing about it helps me in some way--though I don't really know how.

I am afraid I am losing my husband and I am 2 months pregnant. We have been "fussing" for the last few months, but I attributed it to his highly stressful job. Then, all of a sudden, about 2 or 3 weeks ago, he drunkenly confesses that he thinks about killing himself and that he has been unhappy for three months and he thinks it is because of me.

That was bad, it gets worse.

I tried to be more supportive. I tried not to make him walk on eggshells around me (which he claimed he has done as long we have been together). I tried to do more around the house, I tried not to bug him at work. I tried to support him. I also didn't go out with him on a couple of occasions.

My husband rides a motorcycle, so when he goes out for a drink, I ask that he text me when he leaves the bar so I know he is OK driving home. On one of his out occasions without me, he texted me that he was coming home. Over 45 minutes later, he still wasn't home. I drove around looking for him. I called some friends who had been out with him and it turns out he had followed home his best friend, Nikki. Nikki and I used to be friends, but I ended that relationship a few months ago because I thought it wasn't healthy for me or my family. My husband refused to end his friendship with her, saying they work together (true) and that he shouldn't have to get rid of her. But, this particular night, he hadn't mentioned that he was following her home (she also rides a bike and lives in a shady neighborhood so this isn't unusual) and it was taking WAY TOO LONG. When I found him heading from the direction of her house, I met him back at the house. He got IRATE that I questioned his where-abouts. He said he hadn't even gone all the way to her house, but he couldn't explain why it had taken so long. This argument evolved into another tirade of him saying he is so unhappy.

The next day I discover he has called Nikki several times while he was out of our house and I ask him about it and he denies the phone calls. I tell him the cell phone company must have an error and we need to address that.

So then two nights later, he works until 1 a.m. Once home, he left to go to another manager's house (who happens to live one building over from Nikki) house. Interesting thing here was that he took the car, not the bike, so I couldn't go check on him. He stayed out til 5 a.m. When I called and texted he would leave the room and only talked to me alone. I never heard the other manager. He wouldn't let me talk to the other manager on the phone.

When he finally got home at 5 a.m., he tells me he's done. He is tired of me not trusting him and this that and the other. He goes on and on about he is unhappy and how he feels like I don't care and how if I would put as much energy toward our marriage as I do toward questioning Nikki that we would be better. He complains about how I didn't know he was so unhappy (HE NEVER TOLD ME). He says he can't be with a person who doesn't trust him.

I try to express that I want to fix our problems and that I want to contribute to his happiness. I ask for a hug and he refuses. When that happens, I lose my mind. So, at about 4:30 central time (I live in Eastern time), I call my folks and wake them up and spill my guts that they need to come be with me and give me a hug. That is all I want. I was sad and lonely and scared. Here I am pregnant and my husband has just told me he is done (though he won't expand on what that means).

I go to work that day and have a full day. By the evening, my dad has arrived from out of town. As I am packing up a few things to spend the night in the hotel with my dad, G asks me what I am doing. I had not mentioned to him that I had asked my folks to come to town. When I said that I was getting my stuff together to go to dinner and the econolodge with my dad, my husband looked hurt and sad.

He said, "You told you parents?"

I said, "I had to, I needed a hug."

That was about the end of that conversation. He and I texted and talked on the phone over the next three days while I was finishing my work week. During that week, I asked him NOT to hang out with Nikki. He protested, but as far as I can tell, he complied.

Before I left, I asked G if he would sit down and talk with me so we could set some goals for our time apart. He said he didn't think that was a good idea. I asked him if he saw these two weeks as a little time out after which I will return home and we will evaluate our situation. He said that was how he saw it. I don't like that idea at all, but if he won't talk to me, I can't make him.

Then on Friday, I flew home with my dad. While I have been here, I have been looking at our cell phone records to see when and to whom my husband is talking and texting. I find out he has had two late-night almost hour long phone conversations with Nikki. These conversations have happened after he had told me goodnight.

So, yesterday,

I say, "Did you talk on the phone last night?"
G: "No..."
me: "So what about Friday night?"
G: "No..."
me: "Hmmm, so you didn't talk to Nikki on the phone for 45 minutes Friday night/"
G: "I said NO! This is f-ing B.S. I am so not getting into this right now..."
me: "Well, then we need to call the cell phone company because they are showing a 45 minute phone call between you two at about midnight Friday night."
G: "Well I don't know, but I have to go..."

We text back and fourth a bit and he eventually calls me back. He admits that he had in fact had that conversation with her.

So, now I am IRATE. I have finally caught him in a lie. I have had my suspicions about his relationship with her, but he has said time and again that NOTHING is going on there. I really don't think anything physical is going on, and I just can't make him understand that having an emotional relationship with her is still cheating... I am not crazy.

So, we talk back and fourth and I finally lay it out for him. That he has to pick her or me. That I cannot remain married to him if he cannot end his friendship with her. He says he has to think about that.

WHAT?!?! You have to think about that. Oh now I am overwhelmed. So we end that conversation. I send him a text message that basically says this is bull shit and he needs to be a man and face his responsibilities and that he is married to me and that our marriage deserves a chance.

Later that day he texts letting me know he is leaving work and again that he is home. We talked on the phone a few times that evening and it went well. We talked again this morning. It went OK. I mentioned that I would like to schedule a time to have a conversation about our marriage. He again is hesitant. I ask again if he has talked to her. He says he hasn't because he asked her not to call or text him. I believe him because I saw the cell phone records and there were no calls between them.

Over the course of our last conversation today, he keeps saying he just wants to be left alone. He complains that that is the only thing he wants and I can't give him that. So, I give in. I told him that I would give him two days, but that was it. I told him to call me in two days and have something to say. That he needs to know whether he wants our marriage to work in two days or "I am getting my affairs in order."

It is killing me. I miss him terribly. I want to talk to him. I want him to want to talk to me. I don't want to doubt his every action and word. I really don't think he has physically cheated on me, but he makes that harder and harder to believe.

Our child deserves to have two loving parents together. Our child deserves a childhood like the one I had. I am so sad for my child. I don't want my child to look at me someday and ask why Daddy left us... That breaks my heart.

I am also scared out of my mind. I don't want to be a single mother. I am afraid beyond belief of how hard that will be. I am not an alone person. At all. I know that about myself. I am freaking out here. I can't really sleep at night and I am just sick over this. I know I need to not stress because it is bad for the baby, but I am failing at that.

This is so scary. Please think positive thoughts for me. If you pray, please pray that my husband will realize that he loves me and wants to be with only me. Please pray that I will learn how to better carry my weight in this marriage. Please pray that we will learn to face our fears together. Please pray that my husband will learn that he has to make a conscious choice every day to be happy. Please pray that I will not wind up a single mother. Oh dear God, please just pray that this works out. And if you don't pray, just think positive about all these things.

ttfn

Checking in

Well, things have not vastly improved, but I am very appreciative of your support and words of encouragement.

Things got worse early last week, so my dad flew out to keep my company and give me a hug. I cannot express how grateful I am that he did that. It also makes me really sad that my life had gotten so bad that my daddy had to fly far away just to make me feel better. But, so is life, I guess.

On Friday, Dad and I flew home and now I am here. I am gonna kick it here for two weeks and hope that time will help G get his shit together. I don't really know. He wouldn't talk with me before I left, so I don't know what he is hoping to accomplish while I am gone.

I don't know much, really. I am just trying to focus on the baby and staying healthy and not stressing. That not stressing thing is easier said than done, but that is my daily goal--not stressing.

So please think positive thoughts for my family--that we will come out on the other end better for all this drama. I will post again this week with hopefully a positive update. We shall see.

ttfn

A celebration of sorts

Well, I am a craptastic blog friend these days.

Lara (my blog idol) only had one birthday wish and it was for us to celebrate someone else for her birthday.

I haven't done that yet.

As usual, I have an excuse.

Basically, my world is crumbling around me (an no, this is not just pregnancy hormones talking here). I am healthy and the pregnancy is fine, so no worries there. My personal life, on the other hand, is just sucking fabulously. The short short version is that in the last week my husband has told me he is so unhappy he has considered ending his own life, he is just tired of everything, he is afraid I am the source of his unhappiness, and he isn't sure if he wants to remain married to me. I am not ready to really talk about all this right now.

So, seeing as it is 4 a.m. and I am not sleeping (something really important to me and the developing baby inside me, mind you), I was trying to do anything but think and re-think over what all is going on right now. So, I turned to blogs.

I have made it to the Rs in my feed and I had finally been made to smile enough times that I decided I could write my celebration of my blog friends.

Guys, I really needed you tonight. Thank you for making me smile on a day when I wasn't sure I would be able to smile. I wasn't sure if I would smile for some time. But your stories made me smile once or twice.

I have some dark days ahead of me, I am afraid. I will need you guys to make me smile. So thank you!

Lara, I apologize this celebration was so overshadowed by my failures. I will do better for your birthday next year.

ttfn

The Pre-Name

What is in a name?

Her Bad Mother posted about Wonderbaby's nickname (and no, she didn't post about the nickname Wonderbaby... just go check it out). While reading it all I could think about is the nickname my husband has given the being that is growing inside me. So, I was pleasantly surprised when HBM concluded her post with an invitation for the rest of us to write about it.

That HBM is such a trend setter and I am such a follower, so I am going to write about it here.

The Hulk.

The Hulk? you ask.

Yes, The Hulk (capital T capital H).

So, very early in this adventure known as pregnancy, while G was still in the shock and awe phase, I told G we needed to come up with an a-sexual name for referring to the being because I just don't like to refer to him or her as an it. That just isn't cool.

This strange little request is actually a sort of family tradition, sort of. My mom tells a story that when she was pregnant with my sister they called her Bozo while she was in the womb. My grandpa eventually pitched a fit and said they couldn't call the baby that because it just might stick and that wouldn't be fair... Regardless of the fear this might cause my grandpa to roll over in his grave (OK, he doesn't have a grave but maybe I mean his ashes to roll over in the bottom of the lake in which he was spread), I still needed G to help me come up with something better than it.

At this point in time, I really needed to get G on board, and I was hoping that if he named the being for now that it would help him realize that this is exciting and wonderful and that this is really actually happening. So, I said we need a name for now.

He suggested something even more manly than The Hulk at first, but I pooh-poohed that one. So when the next one was The Hulk, I was afraid if I pooh-poohed that one he would stop playing and be even more out of the loop on this crazy baby thing. So I said, sure, The Hulk will work.

So, The Hulk is growing inside me. I really like the nickname. I am concerned if this child turns out to be a girl that The Hulk is really hard to turn into something feminine, but we will figure it out.

Anybody out there pre-name their child? Tell me all about it!!

ttfn

Teaching advice needed

I need some opinions here folks...

I teach an introductory journalism writing class during the summer. During the 2005/2006 school year I was the lecture assistant for this class and taught one lab section. I also taught the lecture and one lab last summer.

As the lecture assistant (the person who traditionally is assigned to teach the course in the summer), I already had access to the 12 lab assignments we used during the regular semester. As the lecture assistant I also had created many of those 12 assignments and had collaborated on any I didn't create entirely on my own. So, my first summer teaching the class I recreated the 11 assignments I chose to use in my version of the class. I adapted the assignments I had already helped to create (or had already created on my own). I did use the supervising professor's grading rubrics so as to ensure consistency. I devoted a GREAT deal of time to prepping the course--all 11 assignments, the 6-week's worth of lectures, the lesson plans to be followed by the lab instructor who was on my team, and the course web site. I am not complaining at all! I loved every minute of it and I am very proud of what I have created. It is my understanding that this is what you do when you teach your own course--PREP the course yourself.

So here is the situation now.

The student assigned to teach the Summer B session of the course was not the lecture assistant last year. She did some political maneuvering and got assigned to teach the class at the cost of the lecture assistant from last year even getting an assignment this summer. Now, she is asking me to help her get ready for her class. I was more than willing to send her my syllabus and my weird Excel sheet that has each day's topic, in-class exercises, assigned readings, and coordinating lab assignment. Now, she has asked me to send her all the assignment sheets for the class. She said she was asking me so she didn't have to bother the supervising professor while she is on vacation.

Now mind you, I didn't get anyone else's assignment sheets other than the ones I earned access to through my time spent as the lecture assistant. She hasn't earned that access. I don't think it is fair for me to just hand over all my course material and save her the trouble of actually prepping the course for which she is getting paid to teach.

Am I being childish or selfish here? Do college instructors share their materials freely with other instructors in their colleges? What is the professional thing to do here?

If I do say no to her, how do I politely say no?

I need help people!! What are your thoughts??

ttfn

Scary

OK, I have really been trying to post something for the last seven days, but I have failed. Yesterday, I was really thinking about why I suddenly didn't have anything to say. I know I have all kinds of things going on in my life, but I just seem blog-stipated so to speak.

Why?

Well, I think some of it is that I am scared to death. To be completely honest, this whole becoming a mom thing is really freaking me out. I know we were trying to get pregnant and all, but now I am just kind of freaking out. I really hope it is all the hormones or something...

Maybe if I write about some of these probably irrational fears, I will feel better. I know everyone is scared about becoming a mom, but I just feel really ill prepared and unqualified for the most important job in existence. I have never really had to do anything hard in life. This is going to be really really hard. I know that. I also know that knowing that will help. But I feel like I need more tools. I need to read more books, I need to take more classes, I need an internship or something!

I never babysat and I was the youngest child, so I am fairly clueless. I am mostly clueless about the newborn stage.

For example, I have no clue how to give a newborn baby a bath. And when do you give them a bath, is there a waiting period? Do you have to wait a certain number of days? Do the doctors tell you this? And do babies get baths every day like grown ups? I don't remember my sister giving her new babies a bath every single day, so what is the rotation?

And what about breastfeeding? I have read all about purple cracked nipples and how horrible it is and how much it hurts and how it isn't easy and how you don't get in a groove with it until several weeks into the deal... But, my sister has said it has always been fairly easy for her. I even asked her about the cracked and purple nipples and she said this didn't happen to her. So this bad stuff doesn't happen to everybody? Is there anything I can do to prevent it? I know this is going to sound horrible, but even still, breastfeeding really does just gross me out, so I am really counting on there being some maternal instinct take over after birth that allows me to share that bond with my child...

OK, so those are my two biggies I guess. I know I will figure out a lot of it. I do know that, but I am not used to being totally clueless and it is a feeling I don't enjoy. From what I hear, it is something I will have to get used to as a Mom. Is that true?

On to pregnancy questions... I am just plum wore out these days. Now mind you, I am generally a kind of pokey sleepy kind of person--not real high energy... But this is out of control. I think I could sleep 18 hours a day if not more. I wake up, go to work, work for a while, go home and take a nap, go back to work for a little while, go home, eat dinner, fall back asleep fairly easily. It is just crazy. And don't even ask about days when I don't work. I just snooze and drink water and diet 7up and occasionally snack and go back to snoozing or kickin' it on the couch.

This is so not working for my research agenda.

I HAVE to write my prospectus for my dissertation before July 10 or so. I also have to prepare for quals. My goal for the last two weeks has been to write my damn method section. Now I am really going to get in gear and get it written this week. If it kills me.

It really might kill me.

I am struggling on a few fronts. I have not totally decided which theoretical questions I will address and how many I can address with the experiments I already conducted. My most fabulous research partner and savior sent me a list of theories she thought might apply to the questions I used in my experiments. Now, I have to go through and decide what I do and don't want to use. I don't know how wide or narrow of a net to cast. My advisor (although I haven't gotten much advice) has said to reign it in, so I am trying to remember to do that. But, this is important to me, and I don't want to half-ass it. I feel like only addressing one or two theories might be half-assing it. I think I am going to have to work a little bit on the lit review before I complete the method section, and I DETEST (and that word really isn't strong enough) literature reviews. I know that is horrible, but it is true. I don't know...

And, my mom is totally on my ass now about getting this thing DONE and done quickly. She asks me every time I talk to her (which is at least once a day) how much I have written on my "paper." First, this is so much bigger than a paper that it is really annoying when she calls it just a paper. Second, I know she means well, but it is annoying. Third, now she has enlisted other family members to ask how much I have written on my "paper" every time they talk to me.

Can you say annoying???

On the flip side of that, my most awesome research partner and savior is actually helping to motivate me by asking me questions about it and reminding me that I am actually excited to conduct research. She so rocks my socks off. She needs to blog (she used to blog, but gave it up. I hope she returns--hint hint). So, hopefully I can post some form of updates here about what I am (or am not) getting accomplished.

So, now that I have gotten off my chest some of my irrational fears and my stressors, I hope to return to a somewhat regular posting schedule. Hopefully yall knew I hadn't dropped off the face of the planet because I was still commenting.

Speaking of commenting, I found a blogger whom I MUST recommend, she is just a freaking rock star. Go check out Mommy Off the Record. She is pretty darn cool!

OK, I hope to post again tomorrow. I have missed writing and I hope you guys have missed me too! Oh, and please add to your prayer list (or positive thinking list or whatever you do) that I continue to not throw up. Just ask once a day for me, please!! I am really hopeful I continue on this path of not throwing up because I really hate throwing up more than the normal person hates it. Plus, it could screw with my diabetes. I really need to NOT throw up, so just add that to your wish list for me, please and thank you!!

ttfn