Wow, that was quite the hiatus. Alot has happened since my last post. I had to take a little break until I felt comfortable enough to post things about my life again. For my returning readers, you will see I made a few changes and spruced the place up a little bit.
So let me catch you up with some short short stories.
1. the husband was, in fact, cheating on me, and he and his girlfriend (and her two daughters) now live in my house.
2. I filed for divorce as early as I could (did you know you can't file for divorce in Texas while you are pregnant?) and he has been dragging ass, I suspect as a way to prolong not paying child support.
3. I am still teaching part time and enjoying that, but I have recently been hired to do training and documentation for claims compliance at an insurance company. Right now I don't really know what exactly that means, but I know it means a steady paycheck and benefits, which are good things!
4. The pregnancy was fabulous!! I loved being pregnant... In spite of all the drama going on in my life, I was a happy preggo. I am going to post the few blogs I wrote on myspace about the drama while I was pregnant, just to keep you up to date.
5. And this one won't be a short short story. This one is my whole life. This one is Eleanor Logan.
She was born Jan. 8, 08 at 8 p.m. via c-section. She is healthy and happy and just plain fabulous. I am madly in love with her! So, the birth story...
I went into the hospital at 10:30 a.m. Tuesday (1/8/08) and they started inducing labor because they were concerned that she hadn't been gaining weight in the womb. I labored until about 7:30 p.m., but the doc didn't feel like I was making enough progress so we decided to do a C-section. It only took them less than 30 minutes to get me into the OR and get going on getting her... It was a little scary, but not that bad. She weighed 7 pounds 1.6 oz and was 19.5 inches long. Because she was born via c-section (and didn't get the "squeeze" of going through the birth canal), she had a little fluid on her lungs and was breathing a little fast, so she went to the NICU.
Eleanor spent four days in the NICU and was discharged only a day after me. Initially they were saying she might need to be there for up to three weeks, so when she made such a strong recovery so quickly, everyone was impressed! She is just so smart, strong, and beautiful! She started drinking out of a bottle day 3 (which was earlier than they expected) and was immediately breastfeeding--she is an eating champ! The nurses and doctors in the NICU were so impressed that her blood sugars were so stable (most babies of diabetics struggle in their first few days, but the docs said because I had managed my diabetes so well during pregnancy that she did better than most).
So that is how she got here... There have already been so many adventures with her in her short little 2-month life. I know I will be writing much more about her.
So, I just want to try to get back in the swing of blogging. I have so much to celebrate now, I don't think I have to worry about being a "debbie downer..." I hope I get some of my readers back. I cannot say enough positive things about the love and support you all provided me during those hard times. I am so excited to get back and catch back up with everyone. If you can forgive me for dropping off the face of the planet, leave me a comment!
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Thursday, August 23, 2007
I love school!
Well, I have been at work for the last two days, and WOW has that ever improved my spirits!
Yesterday I started with a training session on the course management system at my new campus. That was fairly boring, but it at least exposed me to what I will be using when I get a log in and password. Then, I sat in on the campus newspaper staff meeting and that was FABULOUS! I contributed in a few places and started making my presence known. I think it was appreciated... Then, I worked for about an hour on my syllabus and what not. Then, I went to a book rep's meeting to learn about the online resources associated with the book my students will be using. Then, I had dinner and talked with other faculty, and then we had a department meeting.
At the departmental meeting we learned about resources available at the library and through campus media. We also learned that we have to give a final exam (OK, I can do that). We also learned that we have to take attendance (I learned that anyways, the others already knew)... I am not wild about that, but I will do it. I think taking attendance in a college setting is odd. These are supposedly adults and they can make the decision to attend class or not and reap the rewards or suffer the consequences. It is pretty simple. In my class, you come to class, you can do quite well. If you don't come to class, you can't do all that well. Straight forward, huh? Oh well. So then we called it a day.
Then, I convinced my dad to go celebrate my great day with a drink (for him, not me). We went to a local place and had tons of fun. I competed in a karaoke contest and took second place. That was cool. My mom came up (she had been at a business dinner) and brought her intoxicated co-worker, so that was entertaining too. It was just nice and felt normal to go have a drink after a good day at work (even if it was a virgin mary).
So today I started with a new doctor's appointment... That went fine except I broke down in tears while telling the doctor my life story (as I have named the drama that has been my life lately). I hate crying in front of people... And he asked me if my O.B. was prescribing me anything to keep my spirits up... I assumed that during pregnancy, drugs would be a no-no... If not, I could be open to medicating some of this pain away. Is that wrong?
After the appointment, I went to work and loved it AGAIN! I edited student newspaper stories and did a good job, if I do say so myself. My supervisor took one of the edited storied I had done and showed it to her co-worker and said, "She's one of us..." That was approval right there. I also developed my semester schedule, which was a relief. Finally, I attended new adjunct faculty orientation. That was informative and interesting.
The best part of the meeting was at the end when I connected with another new adjunct who will be teaching speech. I told her my life story, too, and she really empathized. She was very compassionate and even gave me her name and phone number to call for advice. She offered some helpful advice and even promised prayers for me. It was just very nice. It was like meeting one of you guys in real person! It was great!
So now I am home and needing to either get busy or go to bed... I found out at least one of my three classes made and it looks like of the other two, at least one is going to make... So that is good. I am so going to be broke soon, but oh well. I am going to a women of faith conference tomorrow and Saturday with my girl scout troop leader and my two best friends since kindergarten. I am very excited and nervous. Excited because it will be great for my spirits to spend time with these women. Nervous because I am worried what all the faith soul searching will do to my raw emotions... I hope I can handle it. So, before I have to be at their house by 7 a.m. (in nine hours), I need to sleep, pack for two days, take a shower, iron some shirts, and get ready to go... Not to mention get my syllabus ready for next week!
But, blogging did make me feel better earlier in the week, and I anticipate that I won't be able to this weekend, so I wanted to get this in. I hope I can keep my spirits up like they are. I am afraid they won't, and I worry this isn't "real..." Like I don't really feel better and I will get back to feeling so crappy. I hope not, but I have a feeling I will. Think positive for me! I am still seeing the counselor soon. Oh, and I think Eleanor has moved up into the top half of my stomach instead of just being in the lower part... I am probably wrong, but the top half of my belly has gone from being lumpy and fatty to being pretty solid (bulging in both scenarios)... Is it possible she's moving around like that? OK, I better pack or something soon!
ttfn
Yesterday I started with a training session on the course management system at my new campus. That was fairly boring, but it at least exposed me to what I will be using when I get a log in and password. Then, I sat in on the campus newspaper staff meeting and that was FABULOUS! I contributed in a few places and started making my presence known. I think it was appreciated... Then, I worked for about an hour on my syllabus and what not. Then, I went to a book rep's meeting to learn about the online resources associated with the book my students will be using. Then, I had dinner and talked with other faculty, and then we had a department meeting.
At the departmental meeting we learned about resources available at the library and through campus media. We also learned that we have to give a final exam (OK, I can do that). We also learned that we have to take attendance (I learned that anyways, the others already knew)... I am not wild about that, but I will do it. I think taking attendance in a college setting is odd. These are supposedly adults and they can make the decision to attend class or not and reap the rewards or suffer the consequences. It is pretty simple. In my class, you come to class, you can do quite well. If you don't come to class, you can't do all that well. Straight forward, huh? Oh well. So then we called it a day.
Then, I convinced my dad to go celebrate my great day with a drink (for him, not me). We went to a local place and had tons of fun. I competed in a karaoke contest and took second place. That was cool. My mom came up (she had been at a business dinner) and brought her intoxicated co-worker, so that was entertaining too. It was just nice and felt normal to go have a drink after a good day at work (even if it was a virgin mary).
So today I started with a new doctor's appointment... That went fine except I broke down in tears while telling the doctor my life story (as I have named the drama that has been my life lately). I hate crying in front of people... And he asked me if my O.B. was prescribing me anything to keep my spirits up... I assumed that during pregnancy, drugs would be a no-no... If not, I could be open to medicating some of this pain away. Is that wrong?
After the appointment, I went to work and loved it AGAIN! I edited student newspaper stories and did a good job, if I do say so myself. My supervisor took one of the edited storied I had done and showed it to her co-worker and said, "She's one of us..." That was approval right there. I also developed my semester schedule, which was a relief. Finally, I attended new adjunct faculty orientation. That was informative and interesting.
The best part of the meeting was at the end when I connected with another new adjunct who will be teaching speech. I told her my life story, too, and she really empathized. She was very compassionate and even gave me her name and phone number to call for advice. She offered some helpful advice and even promised prayers for me. It was just very nice. It was like meeting one of you guys in real person! It was great!
So now I am home and needing to either get busy or go to bed... I found out at least one of my three classes made and it looks like of the other two, at least one is going to make... So that is good. I am so going to be broke soon, but oh well. I am going to a women of faith conference tomorrow and Saturday with my girl scout troop leader and my two best friends since kindergarten. I am very excited and nervous. Excited because it will be great for my spirits to spend time with these women. Nervous because I am worried what all the faith soul searching will do to my raw emotions... I hope I can handle it. So, before I have to be at their house by 7 a.m. (in nine hours), I need to sleep, pack for two days, take a shower, iron some shirts, and get ready to go... Not to mention get my syllabus ready for next week!
But, blogging did make me feel better earlier in the week, and I anticipate that I won't be able to this weekend, so I wanted to get this in. I hope I can keep my spirits up like they are. I am afraid they won't, and I worry this isn't "real..." Like I don't really feel better and I will get back to feeling so crappy. I hope not, but I have a feeling I will. Think positive for me! I am still seeing the counselor soon. Oh, and I think Eleanor has moved up into the top half of my stomach instead of just being in the lower part... I am probably wrong, but the top half of my belly has gone from being lumpy and fatty to being pretty solid (bulging in both scenarios)... Is it possible she's moving around like that? OK, I better pack or something soon!
ttfn
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Scary
OK, I have really been trying to post something for the last seven days, but I have failed. Yesterday, I was really thinking about why I suddenly didn't have anything to say. I know I have all kinds of things going on in my life, but I just seem blog-stipated so to speak.
Why?
Well, I think some of it is that I am scared to death. To be completely honest, this whole becoming a mom thing is really freaking me out. I know we were trying to get pregnant and all, but now I am just kind of freaking out. I really hope it is all the hormones or something...
Maybe if I write about some of these probably irrational fears, I will feel better. I know everyone is scared about becoming a mom, but I just feel really ill prepared and unqualified for the most important job in existence. I have never really had to do anything hard in life. This is going to be really really hard. I know that. I also know that knowing that will help. But I feel like I need more tools. I need to read more books, I need to take more classes, I need an internship or something!
I never babysat and I was the youngest child, so I am fairly clueless. I am mostly clueless about the newborn stage.
For example, I have no clue how to give a newborn baby a bath. And when do you give them a bath, is there a waiting period? Do you have to wait a certain number of days? Do the doctors tell you this? And do babies get baths every day like grown ups? I don't remember my sister giving her new babies a bath every single day, so what is the rotation?
And what about breastfeeding? I have read all about purple cracked nipples and how horrible it is and how much it hurts and how it isn't easy and how you don't get in a groove with it until several weeks into the deal... But, my sister has said it has always been fairly easy for her. I even asked her about the cracked and purple nipples and she said this didn't happen to her. So this bad stuff doesn't happen to everybody? Is there anything I can do to prevent it? I know this is going to sound horrible, but even still, breastfeeding really does just gross me out, so I am really counting on there being some maternal instinct take over after birth that allows me to share that bond with my child...
OK, so those are my two biggies I guess. I know I will figure out a lot of it. I do know that, but I am not used to being totally clueless and it is a feeling I don't enjoy. From what I hear, it is something I will have to get used to as a Mom. Is that true?
On to pregnancy questions... I am just plum wore out these days. Now mind you, I am generally a kind of pokey sleepy kind of person--not real high energy... But this is out of control. I think I could sleep 18 hours a day if not more. I wake up, go to work, work for a while, go home and take a nap, go back to work for a little while, go home, eat dinner, fall back asleep fairly easily. It is just crazy. And don't even ask about days when I don't work. I just snooze and drink water and diet 7up and occasionally snack and go back to snoozing or kickin' it on the couch.
This is so not working for my research agenda.
I HAVE to write my prospectus for my dissertation before July 10 or so. I also have to prepare for quals. My goal for the last two weeks has been to write my damn method section. Now I am really going to get in gear and get it written this week. If it kills me.
It really might kill me.
I am struggling on a few fronts. I have not totally decided which theoretical questions I will address and how many I can address with the experiments I already conducted. My most fabulous research partner and savior sent me a list of theories she thought might apply to the questions I used in my experiments. Now, I have to go through and decide what I do and don't want to use. I don't know how wide or narrow of a net to cast. My advisor (although I haven't gotten much advice) has said to reign it in, so I am trying to remember to do that. But, this is important to me, and I don't want to half-ass it. I feel like only addressing one or two theories might be half-assing it. I think I am going to have to work a little bit on the lit review before I complete the method section, and I DETEST (and that word really isn't strong enough) literature reviews. I know that is horrible, but it is true. I don't know...
And, my mom is totally on my ass now about getting this thing DONE and done quickly. She asks me every time I talk to her (which is at least once a day) how much I have written on my "paper." First, this is so much bigger than a paper that it is really annoying when she calls it just a paper. Second, I know she means well, but it is annoying. Third, now she has enlisted other family members to ask how much I have written on my "paper" every time they talk to me.
Can you say annoying???
On the flip side of that, my most awesome research partner and savior is actually helping to motivate me by asking me questions about it and reminding me that I am actually excited to conduct research. She so rocks my socks off. She needs to blog (she used to blog, but gave it up. I hope she returns--hint hint). So, hopefully I can post some form of updates here about what I am (or am not) getting accomplished.
So, now that I have gotten off my chest some of my irrational fears and my stressors, I hope to return to a somewhat regular posting schedule. Hopefully yall knew I hadn't dropped off the face of the planet because I was still commenting.
Speaking of commenting, I found a blogger whom I MUST recommend, she is just a freaking rock star. Go check out Mommy Off the Record. She is pretty darn cool!
OK, I hope to post again tomorrow. I have missed writing and I hope you guys have missed me too! Oh, and please add to your prayer list (or positive thinking list or whatever you do) that I continue to not throw up. Just ask once a day for me, please!! I am really hopeful I continue on this path of not throwing up because I really hate throwing up more than the normal person hates it. Plus, it could screw with my diabetes. I really need to NOT throw up, so just add that to your wish list for me, please and thank you!!
ttfn
Why?
Well, I think some of it is that I am scared to death. To be completely honest, this whole becoming a mom thing is really freaking me out. I know we were trying to get pregnant and all, but now I am just kind of freaking out. I really hope it is all the hormones or something...
Maybe if I write about some of these probably irrational fears, I will feel better. I know everyone is scared about becoming a mom, but I just feel really ill prepared and unqualified for the most important job in existence. I have never really had to do anything hard in life. This is going to be really really hard. I know that. I also know that knowing that will help. But I feel like I need more tools. I need to read more books, I need to take more classes, I need an internship or something!
I never babysat and I was the youngest child, so I am fairly clueless. I am mostly clueless about the newborn stage.
For example, I have no clue how to give a newborn baby a bath. And when do you give them a bath, is there a waiting period? Do you have to wait a certain number of days? Do the doctors tell you this? And do babies get baths every day like grown ups? I don't remember my sister giving her new babies a bath every single day, so what is the rotation?
And what about breastfeeding? I have read all about purple cracked nipples and how horrible it is and how much it hurts and how it isn't easy and how you don't get in a groove with it until several weeks into the deal... But, my sister has said it has always been fairly easy for her. I even asked her about the cracked and purple nipples and she said this didn't happen to her. So this bad stuff doesn't happen to everybody? Is there anything I can do to prevent it? I know this is going to sound horrible, but even still, breastfeeding really does just gross me out, so I am really counting on there being some maternal instinct take over after birth that allows me to share that bond with my child...
OK, so those are my two biggies I guess. I know I will figure out a lot of it. I do know that, but I am not used to being totally clueless and it is a feeling I don't enjoy. From what I hear, it is something I will have to get used to as a Mom. Is that true?
On to pregnancy questions... I am just plum wore out these days. Now mind you, I am generally a kind of pokey sleepy kind of person--not real high energy... But this is out of control. I think I could sleep 18 hours a day if not more. I wake up, go to work, work for a while, go home and take a nap, go back to work for a little while, go home, eat dinner, fall back asleep fairly easily. It is just crazy. And don't even ask about days when I don't work. I just snooze and drink water and diet 7up and occasionally snack and go back to snoozing or kickin' it on the couch.
This is so not working for my research agenda.
I HAVE to write my prospectus for my dissertation before July 10 or so. I also have to prepare for quals. My goal for the last two weeks has been to write my damn method section. Now I am really going to get in gear and get it written this week. If it kills me.
It really might kill me.
I am struggling on a few fronts. I have not totally decided which theoretical questions I will address and how many I can address with the experiments I already conducted. My most fabulous research partner and savior sent me a list of theories she thought might apply to the questions I used in my experiments. Now, I have to go through and decide what I do and don't want to use. I don't know how wide or narrow of a net to cast. My advisor (although I haven't gotten much advice) has said to reign it in, so I am trying to remember to do that. But, this is important to me, and I don't want to half-ass it. I feel like only addressing one or two theories might be half-assing it. I think I am going to have to work a little bit on the lit review before I complete the method section, and I DETEST (and that word really isn't strong enough) literature reviews. I know that is horrible, but it is true. I don't know...
And, my mom is totally on my ass now about getting this thing DONE and done quickly. She asks me every time I talk to her (which is at least once a day) how much I have written on my "paper." First, this is so much bigger than a paper that it is really annoying when she calls it just a paper. Second, I know she means well, but it is annoying. Third, now she has enlisted other family members to ask how much I have written on my "paper" every time they talk to me.
Can you say annoying???
On the flip side of that, my most awesome research partner and savior is actually helping to motivate me by asking me questions about it and reminding me that I am actually excited to conduct research. She so rocks my socks off. She needs to blog (she used to blog, but gave it up. I hope she returns--hint hint). So, hopefully I can post some form of updates here about what I am (or am not) getting accomplished.
So, now that I have gotten off my chest some of my irrational fears and my stressors, I hope to return to a somewhat regular posting schedule. Hopefully yall knew I hadn't dropped off the face of the planet because I was still commenting.
Speaking of commenting, I found a blogger whom I MUST recommend, she is just a freaking rock star. Go check out Mommy Off the Record. She is pretty darn cool!
OK, I hope to post again tomorrow. I have missed writing and I hope you guys have missed me too! Oh, and please add to your prayer list (or positive thinking list or whatever you do) that I continue to not throw up. Just ask once a day for me, please!! I am really hopeful I continue on this path of not throwing up because I really hate throwing up more than the normal person hates it. Plus, it could screw with my diabetes. I really need to NOT throw up, so just add that to your wish list for me, please and thank you!!
ttfn
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
More kudos to Lara
Okay, I know I have posted about her in the past and I really worry that I am going to appear all single white female, but I swear, this is honest to God, from my heart.
Lara, of Life: The Ongoing Education, freaking rocks my socks off! I just cannot say enough good things about this woman! She makes an effort to comment on my blog every day. She is just so supportive and loving and really just an amazing friend to me. It makes me wish we didn't live across the country from each other. It also makes me wish I was a better blog friend to her.
Every morning I go to my email and am always giddy with excitement when I see a new comment from her (I am excited when I see any one's comments, but hers are usually the one that I can always count on to be there... if that makes sense). She is just so amazing!
I know, from reading her blog, she has her own life to worry about (and even devotes time to what her roommate has to worry about), but she still takes the time to send me words of encouragement. She just makes me feel loved and I am so appreciative!!
She is the best blogging friend a person could ask for. Beyond that, her blog freaking rocks socks too! She is such a great writer. She always finds the right way to say things. And she says them in a way that makes you want to keep reading.
My RSS feed has gotten rather lengthy, and, as a result, I have to usually pick and choose which ones I get to read daily and then which ones I catch up on when I have more time. Hers is one in the "must read daily" category. Her writing is just great, and I feel like I am missing something if I go a day or two without reading.
I just want to say thank you to Lara. She is really a valuable asset to the blogging world (and the real world too, but my interactions are limited to the blog world). Her comments are always kind and positive. Her writing is always inspiring. She is a committed friend who takes time to check in on her blog friends. She is just an amazing woman whom I aspire to be more like.
If you read my blog and you didn't stumble over to me from Lara's blog, go check her out. She is a rock star. She is my blog hero. I am just so thankful for her.
ttfn
Lara, of Life: The Ongoing Education, freaking rocks my socks off! I just cannot say enough good things about this woman! She makes an effort to comment on my blog every day. She is just so supportive and loving and really just an amazing friend to me. It makes me wish we didn't live across the country from each other. It also makes me wish I was a better blog friend to her.
Every morning I go to my email and am always giddy with excitement when I see a new comment from her (I am excited when I see any one's comments, but hers are usually the one that I can always count on to be there... if that makes sense). She is just so amazing!
I know, from reading her blog, she has her own life to worry about (and even devotes time to what her roommate has to worry about), but she still takes the time to send me words of encouragement. She just makes me feel loved and I am so appreciative!!
She is the best blogging friend a person could ask for. Beyond that, her blog freaking rocks socks too! She is such a great writer. She always finds the right way to say things. And she says them in a way that makes you want to keep reading.
My RSS feed has gotten rather lengthy, and, as a result, I have to usually pick and choose which ones I get to read daily and then which ones I catch up on when I have more time. Hers is one in the "must read daily" category. Her writing is just great, and I feel like I am missing something if I go a day or two without reading.
I just want to say thank you to Lara. She is really a valuable asset to the blogging world (and the real world too, but my interactions are limited to the blog world). Her comments are always kind and positive. Her writing is always inspiring. She is a committed friend who takes time to check in on her blog friends. She is just an amazing woman whom I aspire to be more like.
If you read my blog and you didn't stumble over to me from Lara's blog, go check her out. She is a rock star. She is my blog hero. I am just so thankful for her.
ttfn
Friday, April 27, 2007
Leesburg Here We Come!!
I am very excited! We are about to leave to go to a bikefest at Leesburg. I decided before I left I would leave you with some memories of Bike Week 2007 so you could know what kind of fun we will be having while we are away!!
The Bobby Friss Band Rocking out at Dirty Harry's! I hope we get to see this band!
Ridin' the loop! I think we are going on a poker run on Saturday so that will be a fun long ride!
This is all the people on Main Street in Daytona... They say Leesburg is going to have between 100,000 and 250,000 so I hope their Main Street is big... I do not LOVE the crowds, so we will have to see about that many people in a place that might not be designed for a bike festival...
And who says bikers aren't friendly?? I love getting to see my husband as happy and relaxed as he gets at bike events. He is so happy when we are in his element!
Plus I LOVE all the time we get to spend together at these things!
The Bobby Friss Band Rocking out at Dirty Harry's! I hope we get to see this band!
Ridin' the loop! I think we are going on a poker run on Saturday so that will be a fun long ride!
This is all the people on Main Street in Daytona... They say Leesburg is going to have between 100,000 and 250,000 so I hope their Main Street is big... I do not LOVE the crowds, so we will have to see about that many people in a place that might not be designed for a bike festival...
And who says bikers aren't friendly?? I love getting to see my husband as happy and relaxed as he gets at bike events. He is so happy when we are in his element!
Plus I LOVE all the time we get to spend together at these things!So, here's to safe riding, good weather, and TONS of fun! I will tell you all about it when we get back!
ttfn
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Catching up
OK, I am finally back at full speed. It feels really nice to be able to stand up without getting dizzy and to be able to stay awake for more than 20 minutes at a time. I really appreciate my health so much more after a little sickness... What a shock. So, let me catch you up.
Last time I blogged I was at a conference in Chicago, the Midwest Political Science Association Annual Conference. It went really well. I presented my paper and did an OK job. I think I presented my findings in a way that showed their real-world importance while at the same time demonstrated my ability to design a worth-while research project, so that was good. As soon as I got done presenting I high-tailed it to the airport to stand by for a flight to Mom and Dad's (rather than directly home).
My mom had been really sad when she saw me at the airport on my way to Chicago and this made me really sad so I wanted to go home and see my mom. So I did. It took getting bumped off 5 flights and flying through severe weather, but I got there. At one point during the flight, the pilot came over the PA and said that they had evacuated the control tower at the airport and they had no one to communicate with... That was a little scary. But I got home, and that was NICE!
I initially thought I would just spend the night at Mom and Dad's and then fly home on Sunday, so on Saturday I went to golf with my mom... In 30 degree weather. Let me tell you, that sucked. I loved getting to spend time with my mom and all, but it was too damn cold. I didn't have a thick coat or gloves or anything and it was just nasty cold. After riding around in the cart for 9 holes, I went back to the clubhouse and played sudoku.
So then Sunday I called the hubby and asked him if he minded if I stayed a little longer. He said he didn't mind, so I stayed. It was fabulous!! Sunday we didn't do much at all and that was just fine with me. We played cards and cooked and hung out. Those are so my favorite kind of days at home.
Mom and I drove to see my aunt and my sister on Monday. My aunt has been married for almost 25 years and is getting a divorce. And a boob job. This all seems very strange to me. No one in my family gets divorced. We just don't do that. Until now. That really scares me. My aunt and uncle were a kind of role model for me and G... My aunt is an accountant while her husband works construction. I am going to be a college professor and my husband manages a restaurant. While restaurant management and construction are not exactly the same thing, I still feel like there is a big difference in the kind of work I will do and the work my husband does. Sometimes I worry that will be a problem for us. My aunt always made more money, I assume I will eventually make more money. I kind of felt like if they could make it work with all their differences then we can make it work with all our differences. And I still know we can make it work because we have a great marriage, but their story still scares me and makes me sad.
So the whole trip to see my aunt and my sister was ALL ABOUT my aunt. I understand that she has crisis going on and what not, but it was kind of a crappy trip. We shopped (which I hate to do), and shopped at a foo-foo boutique place (which I REALLY hate to do)... We talked and talked and talked about my aunt. We didn't get to catch up and talk to each other at all. My big sister has stuff going on in her life too and I think she could have used the opportunity to talk about what she has going on, but NOOOO, we had to talk all about my aunt. This bugged me. Does it show??
We drove back from the trip and Mom and I talked and talked and that was great. We talked quite a bit about me having kids. Surprisingly, my mom is on board and ready whenever I am for me to have kids. You see, I have always thought no matter when I get pregnant my mom will see this as a bad thing, but I was wrong. She is excited and thinks I am ready. I am so afraid I won't be able to get pregnant. We talked all about this and I cried and cried. I am so afraid that my disease will keep me from being able to have a baby. I am terrified that if I wait until I done with school and settled into my career, it will be too late and my body won't be able to handle it. G wants us to wait a little while, but he doesn't get it that I have a finite amount of time during which my body will still be able to handle child bearing. He thinks we can do this just whenever... We can't.
So, here is what my plan is. I am going to spend all summer getting my body really healthy. I am going to lose weight. I am going to quit smoking. I am going to cut back on caffeine. I am going to get my diabetes under control. I am going to do all of this in an effort to demonstrate to G just how serious I am about this. He might come around. If he doesn't, what can it hurt for me to get healthy? I will just have my body healthy longer before I get pregnant, and that isn't at all a bad thing... I will keep you posted as to how all that is going...
So then I spent one more day with Mom and Dad and then I came home. I came home and got sick... I am not sure if the sickness was caused by the airplanes or the cold weather or the lack of sleep or what, but WOW what a cold/flu thing. I won't go into details other than that I had a fever and body aches. I have never before had body aches. Those suck.
Now I am all better and back in the swing of things. We are going to Leesburg this weekend for a bike fest, and that will be fun. We are going with our "friends" so we will see how that goes. I am going to try to do a Thursday Thirteen tomorrow. I hope I haven't lost the few readers I had gained with my little disappearing act!! If I lost you, please come back! I will try really hard to be consistent. My goal is still to post every Monday through Thursday. I am back in action now!!
ttfn
Last time I blogged I was at a conference in Chicago, the Midwest Political Science Association Annual Conference. It went really well. I presented my paper and did an OK job. I think I presented my findings in a way that showed their real-world importance while at the same time demonstrated my ability to design a worth-while research project, so that was good. As soon as I got done presenting I high-tailed it to the airport to stand by for a flight to Mom and Dad's (rather than directly home).
My mom had been really sad when she saw me at the airport on my way to Chicago and this made me really sad so I wanted to go home and see my mom. So I did. It took getting bumped off 5 flights and flying through severe weather, but I got there. At one point during the flight, the pilot came over the PA and said that they had evacuated the control tower at the airport and they had no one to communicate with... That was a little scary. But I got home, and that was NICE!
I initially thought I would just spend the night at Mom and Dad's and then fly home on Sunday, so on Saturday I went to golf with my mom... In 30 degree weather. Let me tell you, that sucked. I loved getting to spend time with my mom and all, but it was too damn cold. I didn't have a thick coat or gloves or anything and it was just nasty cold. After riding around in the cart for 9 holes, I went back to the clubhouse and played sudoku.
So then Sunday I called the hubby and asked him if he minded if I stayed a little longer. He said he didn't mind, so I stayed. It was fabulous!! Sunday we didn't do much at all and that was just fine with me. We played cards and cooked and hung out. Those are so my favorite kind of days at home.
Mom and I drove to see my aunt and my sister on Monday. My aunt has been married for almost 25 years and is getting a divorce. And a boob job. This all seems very strange to me. No one in my family gets divorced. We just don't do that. Until now. That really scares me. My aunt and uncle were a kind of role model for me and G... My aunt is an accountant while her husband works construction. I am going to be a college professor and my husband manages a restaurant. While restaurant management and construction are not exactly the same thing, I still feel like there is a big difference in the kind of work I will do and the work my husband does. Sometimes I worry that will be a problem for us. My aunt always made more money, I assume I will eventually make more money. I kind of felt like if they could make it work with all their differences then we can make it work with all our differences. And I still know we can make it work because we have a great marriage, but their story still scares me and makes me sad.
So the whole trip to see my aunt and my sister was ALL ABOUT my aunt. I understand that she has crisis going on and what not, but it was kind of a crappy trip. We shopped (which I hate to do), and shopped at a foo-foo boutique place (which I REALLY hate to do)... We talked and talked and talked about my aunt. We didn't get to catch up and talk to each other at all. My big sister has stuff going on in her life too and I think she could have used the opportunity to talk about what she has going on, but NOOOO, we had to talk all about my aunt. This bugged me. Does it show??
We drove back from the trip and Mom and I talked and talked and that was great. We talked quite a bit about me having kids. Surprisingly, my mom is on board and ready whenever I am for me to have kids. You see, I have always thought no matter when I get pregnant my mom will see this as a bad thing, but I was wrong. She is excited and thinks I am ready. I am so afraid I won't be able to get pregnant. We talked all about this and I cried and cried. I am so afraid that my disease will keep me from being able to have a baby. I am terrified that if I wait until I done with school and settled into my career, it will be too late and my body won't be able to handle it. G wants us to wait a little while, but he doesn't get it that I have a finite amount of time during which my body will still be able to handle child bearing. He thinks we can do this just whenever... We can't.
So, here is what my plan is. I am going to spend all summer getting my body really healthy. I am going to lose weight. I am going to quit smoking. I am going to cut back on caffeine. I am going to get my diabetes under control. I am going to do all of this in an effort to demonstrate to G just how serious I am about this. He might come around. If he doesn't, what can it hurt for me to get healthy? I will just have my body healthy longer before I get pregnant, and that isn't at all a bad thing... I will keep you posted as to how all that is going...
So then I spent one more day with Mom and Dad and then I came home. I came home and got sick... I am not sure if the sickness was caused by the airplanes or the cold weather or the lack of sleep or what, but WOW what a cold/flu thing. I won't go into details other than that I had a fever and body aches. I have never before had body aches. Those suck.
Now I am all better and back in the swing of things. We are going to Leesburg this weekend for a bike fest, and that will be fun. We are going with our "friends" so we will see how that goes. I am going to try to do a Thursday Thirteen tomorrow. I hope I haven't lost the few readers I had gained with my little disappearing act!! If I lost you, please come back! I will try really hard to be consistent. My goal is still to post every Monday through Thursday. I am back in action now!!
ttfn
Monday, April 16, 2007
Friends or something like that...
In general, I feel so fortunate when I think about the friends that G and I have. We have some spectacular friends. Our friends generally go out of their way to be kind to us. Most of them. Most of the time.
But lately, G and I have been getting our feelings hurt by our friends, and I just don't know what to do about it.
G and I generally do most social things to which we are invited. Even when that means changing our plans that are usually cheaper and mean that we get to spend quality time together. We are usually somewhat amiable to do whatever the group wants to do. Our friends used to be that way, but lately not so much.
Just this weekend, while I was out of town, I talked to G while he was at our favorite bar, and I was shocked to find out that our friends had totally blown him off at the bar. He walked in, said hey, went to get his drink, socialized, the usual... The friends never made an attempt to spend time with him. I, being the overbearing wife that I am, even went so far as to ask the friends (via text) why they weren't talking to him, and they acted like, "oh, no big deal... We said hi as he walked in, but because he didn't run back to sit with us, we blew him off..." I am sure this hurt my feelings more than G's, but deep down it hurt his feelings too. And then there was the orange and blue game...
I posted a bulletin on the "gang's" page early last week asking about the game. Everybody was in except for one guy who had work to do... Then I went out of town, I assumed the plans would go ahead without me. But, on Friday night, the friends informed G that worker-guy had invited the other friends to go with him, leaving G in the cold for the game... Then when the others left in town for the game decided to go, they didn't call G and invite him until it was too late. He said he didn't want to meet them at the game and then play the game of trying to figure out where to meet up. That, again, hurt his feelings. He didn't say this out loud--as men don't really say things like that--but I knew he was hurt.
We have been going through things like this a lot lately. It has gotten to where if we don't do what "the cool kids" want to do, then they are ok with doing it without us. No compromise. It's their way or the highway. I just don't get that. We change our plans a lot to be with them, but they won't do that for us.
We have even found a new bar, closer to the house, cheaper prices, entertainment we like, but they aren't interested because this bar is beer only... Mind you, they drink beer occasionally but are usually liquor people. They complain about how much money they spend at our bar on those liquor drinks, so you would think that occasionally drinking beer and spending less money would be a good thing. I think if this had been their idea it would be ok...
Oh and the dinner thing... We all go out to eat a lot. We all need to save money. So when we invite worker boy to dinner, he often says he needs to save cash. But twice in the last month he has gone to dinner with another friend at a very expensive restaurant. When they invited us to this place, we said, no, we can't afford it. But they still go there... I even invited them over when I cooked, but they didn't want to come.
This really hurts my feelings and I don't know what to do about it other than just try not to let it bother me and appreciate the friends I have who don't hurt my feelings... But it still hurts my feelings.
Worker boy used to be our best friend. But, now that I think about it, he was our best friend when he needed us. He got his heart broken around new year's and for the first two months of the year we texted on a daily basis, went out for drinks at least three nights a week, rode bikes together every weekend, and really spent a lot of time together. Then, the one who broke his heart came back to him and now we are left in the cold.
I have tried to talk to him about it, but it hasn't seemed to work. The first few times I talked to him about it, he seemed to try to make an effort for a while. The last few times I talked to him about it, he hasn't really made an effort. I know I just need to give up. That is what G tells me to do.
It really hurts me feelings when all this goes on. It really hurts my feelings when they upset G. But it really makes me angry when they hurt G's feelings. He is the best friend a person could ever wish for! He is loyal and caring and would die for his friends. And these people are just throwing that away, and it makes me sad. And angry. I don't know what to do about it, so I am just writing to let out some of my frustrations. I hope I am just overreacting and that soon everything will be back to normal. But I am also afraid that they are going to piss G off to the point that he won't want everything to go back to normal...
I don't know... I am just going to end this by saying thank you. Thank you to the real friends that I have. Thank you to the people who don't care where we go or what we want to do, they just want to spend time with us. Thank you to the friends who need us. Thank you to the friends who accept us for who we are--geeky or fun or cool or none of the above. They just love us for us.
ttfn
oh and p.s. I wrote this for my myspace blog so I didn't even get into what my "friends" in the blog world mean to me. I really didn't even realize what a role this whole blogging thing would mean for me. I can't begin to describe what joy this brings to me. I love when I open up my gmail and see that I have comments on my blog. I love it that I feel like I really know people out in the blogsphere--even though I don't know the first names of most of them. I love it that I get to laugh out loud when I really need to laugh. This outlet for me has come to be a lot more than an exercise in writing... It really hit me while I was home with my parents this weekend just how big of a part in my life this blog really is. My parents have heard more about the blogs I read and their stories than about any of the "friends" I wrote about in the above post. Thank you my bloggy friends. You guys really mean a lot to me. I realize now that yall help me feel like I am not alone. The people who send me comments help me remember that I am likable and worth something. I really appreciate that more than I can express.
ttfn for real this time
But lately, G and I have been getting our feelings hurt by our friends, and I just don't know what to do about it.
G and I generally do most social things to which we are invited. Even when that means changing our plans that are usually cheaper and mean that we get to spend quality time together. We are usually somewhat amiable to do whatever the group wants to do. Our friends used to be that way, but lately not so much.
Just this weekend, while I was out of town, I talked to G while he was at our favorite bar, and I was shocked to find out that our friends had totally blown him off at the bar. He walked in, said hey, went to get his drink, socialized, the usual... The friends never made an attempt to spend time with him. I, being the overbearing wife that I am, even went so far as to ask the friends (via text) why they weren't talking to him, and they acted like, "oh, no big deal... We said hi as he walked in, but because he didn't run back to sit with us, we blew him off..." I am sure this hurt my feelings more than G's, but deep down it hurt his feelings too. And then there was the orange and blue game...
I posted a bulletin on the "gang's" page early last week asking about the game. Everybody was in except for one guy who had work to do... Then I went out of town, I assumed the plans would go ahead without me. But, on Friday night, the friends informed G that worker-guy had invited the other friends to go with him, leaving G in the cold for the game... Then when the others left in town for the game decided to go, they didn't call G and invite him until it was too late. He said he didn't want to meet them at the game and then play the game of trying to figure out where to meet up. That, again, hurt his feelings. He didn't say this out loud--as men don't really say things like that--but I knew he was hurt.
We have been going through things like this a lot lately. It has gotten to where if we don't do what "the cool kids" want to do, then they are ok with doing it without us. No compromise. It's their way or the highway. I just don't get that. We change our plans a lot to be with them, but they won't do that for us.
We have even found a new bar, closer to the house, cheaper prices, entertainment we like, but they aren't interested because this bar is beer only... Mind you, they drink beer occasionally but are usually liquor people. They complain about how much money they spend at our bar on those liquor drinks, so you would think that occasionally drinking beer and spending less money would be a good thing. I think if this had been their idea it would be ok...
Oh and the dinner thing... We all go out to eat a lot. We all need to save money. So when we invite worker boy to dinner, he often says he needs to save cash. But twice in the last month he has gone to dinner with another friend at a very expensive restaurant. When they invited us to this place, we said, no, we can't afford it. But they still go there... I even invited them over when I cooked, but they didn't want to come.
This really hurts my feelings and I don't know what to do about it other than just try not to let it bother me and appreciate the friends I have who don't hurt my feelings... But it still hurts my feelings.
Worker boy used to be our best friend. But, now that I think about it, he was our best friend when he needed us. He got his heart broken around new year's and for the first two months of the year we texted on a daily basis, went out for drinks at least three nights a week, rode bikes together every weekend, and really spent a lot of time together. Then, the one who broke his heart came back to him and now we are left in the cold.
I have tried to talk to him about it, but it hasn't seemed to work. The first few times I talked to him about it, he seemed to try to make an effort for a while. The last few times I talked to him about it, he hasn't really made an effort. I know I just need to give up. That is what G tells me to do.
It really hurts me feelings when all this goes on. It really hurts my feelings when they upset G. But it really makes me angry when they hurt G's feelings. He is the best friend a person could ever wish for! He is loyal and caring and would die for his friends. And these people are just throwing that away, and it makes me sad. And angry. I don't know what to do about it, so I am just writing to let out some of my frustrations. I hope I am just overreacting and that soon everything will be back to normal. But I am also afraid that they are going to piss G off to the point that he won't want everything to go back to normal...
I don't know... I am just going to end this by saying thank you. Thank you to the real friends that I have. Thank you to the people who don't care where we go or what we want to do, they just want to spend time with us. Thank you to the friends who need us. Thank you to the friends who accept us for who we are--geeky or fun or cool or none of the above. They just love us for us.
ttfn
oh and p.s. I wrote this for my myspace blog so I didn't even get into what my "friends" in the blog world mean to me. I really didn't even realize what a role this whole blogging thing would mean for me. I can't begin to describe what joy this brings to me. I love when I open up my gmail and see that I have comments on my blog. I love it that I feel like I really know people out in the blogsphere--even though I don't know the first names of most of them. I love it that I get to laugh out loud when I really need to laugh. This outlet for me has come to be a lot more than an exercise in writing... It really hit me while I was home with my parents this weekend just how big of a part in my life this blog really is. My parents have heard more about the blogs I read and their stories than about any of the "friends" I wrote about in the above post. Thank you my bloggy friends. You guys really mean a lot to me. I realize now that yall help me feel like I am not alone. The people who send me comments help me remember that I am likable and worth something. I really appreciate that more than I can express.
ttfn for real this time
Monday, April 9, 2007
Vote for Life: The Ongoing Education
OK, I nominated my "blog-friend" for a Blogger's Choice Awards for the "Blogitzer" Award--an award for the blog with the best writing, kind of like a Pulitzer for Blog's.
This blogger rocks my socks off. I have blogged about her a lot. I cannot entirely describe what it is, but her blog just blows my mind. She is the reason I started blogging. Her blog really showed me the power of blogging. In short, I just think she and her blog are amazing!! I really think she deserves to win. Whether she is blogging about the good, the bad, or the ugly, her blog is always very well written. She deserves the award. Go vote for her. Go right now.
The only bad part about this is that I think she might be one of only like 5 people who even read my blog, but if you happen to stumble upon this post, please go vote for Life: The Ongoing Education.
ttfn
This blogger rocks my socks off. I have blogged about her a lot. I cannot entirely describe what it is, but her blog just blows my mind. She is the reason I started blogging. Her blog really showed me the power of blogging. In short, I just think she and her blog are amazing!! I really think she deserves to win. Whether she is blogging about the good, the bad, or the ugly, her blog is always very well written. She deserves the award. Go vote for her. Go right now.
The only bad part about this is that I think she might be one of only like 5 people who even read my blog, but if you happen to stumble upon this post, please go vote for Life: The Ongoing Education.
ttfn
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Friends, not the sitcom
So I am a 25-year-old who still so badly wants to be liked by the cool kids. Really badly. And, had you asked me three weeks ago, I would have said the cool kids did like me and had let me in their clique. Yes, my friends have a clique. OK, I will be honest, we have a motorcycle "gang" or club... We ride together, do things together, generally like one another, look out for each other, have fun together. We used to all be a really close-knit group. And I really felt like a part of it. Often I felt like the leader of it. There are quite a few of us. Let me give you the roll call list:
Me (bike name clutch because I am still scared riding on a motorcycle so I clutch the driver, sometimes too tightly)
picture taken at BikeWeek where I found the trike I want... I don't think I will ever actually drive a bike, but I can dream...
G, my husband. He drives a victory kingpin. He loves his motorcycle almost as much as he loves his wife. (bike name the hand because he often uses his hand to make fun of the many women in his life who yammer on and on--think open and close hand as motion to "yeah yeah yeah...")
night one of bikeweek... isn't he handsome?
*Jim, a deputy sheriff in town, drives a harley davidson soft tail, probably the real leader of the gang. (bike name EZ because he is so easy going)
in the midst of upside down margaritas at bikeweek...
*Amanda, a civil engineer, recently began driving her own victory custom cruiser, used to ride on back of Jim's bike when they were being friendly. (bike name ST Junk because of a long story that relates to how uncomfortable the bitch seat on Jim's bike is)
me and amanda at Gilly's at bikeweek.
Christina, an RN, rides bitch for Jim, great fun girl! (bike name Gigglez because she giggles all the time)
ez and gigz laughing it up at bikeweek.
*Scott, a contractor, drives a hd fat boy, used to be a cop, used to be a marine, likes cheap-looking women, generally fun. (bike name TumBull because when he drinks too much he needs lots of Tums and he really likes Red Bull...)
scott and I riding at biketoberfest
Omar, another deputy sheriff in town, drives an hd vrod, not a core member of group, very much a clumsy rider. (bike name bent because he wrecks too much)
the result of an upside down margarita accident
*Al, a realtor and transportation supervisor, drives an hd heritage softtail, great fun guy, always good for a laugh, great point man (which means he usually rides in the front and leads on rides). (bike name still being determined... could be keys bc he dropped his keys in the ocean at a bike rally, could be blue mints bc of a long story involving porta potties and jim beam)
Al lookin cool by his bike
*Denise, an office manager, rides bitch for Al, another fun chic, is a mom to a 20 year old, always trying to make al eat something weird. (bike name sparky because at her hotel at a bike rally she found a roach on the balcony and picked it up because she was shocked to find it)
Denise and al at Ponce Inslet during bikeweek
Nikki, a restaurant manager, rides a honda rebel 250, single mom to two girls, fiercely independent but traditional at heart, tons of fun, usually smiling and laughing but has a taste for the dramatic (especially with jerry), loves to be the center of attention. (bike name yet to be determined but she wants the princess or the blow off and I vote for call me because she doesn't ever say bye to a man she knows, she says call me and then blows them off)
Nikki and Jerry at bikeweek... don't they look good together?
____________________________
Me (bike name clutch because I am still scared riding on a motorcycle so I clutch the driver, sometimes too tightly)picture taken at BikeWeek where I found the trike I want... I don't think I will ever actually drive a bike, but I can dream...
G, my husband. He drives a victory kingpin. He loves his motorcycle almost as much as he loves his wife. (bike name the hand because he often uses his hand to make fun of the many women in his life who yammer on and on--think open and close hand as motion to "yeah yeah yeah...")night one of bikeweek... isn't he handsome?
*Jim, a deputy sheriff in town, drives a harley davidson soft tail, probably the real leader of the gang. (bike name EZ because he is so easy going)in the midst of upside down margaritas at bikeweek...
*Amanda, a civil engineer, recently began driving her own victory custom cruiser, used to ride on back of Jim's bike when they were being friendly. (bike name ST Junk because of a long story that relates to how uncomfortable the bitch seat on Jim's bike is)me and amanda at Gilly's at bikeweek.
Christina, an RN, rides bitch for Jim, great fun girl! (bike name Gigglez because she giggles all the time)ez and gigz laughing it up at bikeweek.
*Scott, a contractor, drives a hd fat boy, used to be a cop, used to be a marine, likes cheap-looking women, generally fun. (bike name TumBull because when he drinks too much he needs lots of Tums and he really likes Red Bull...)scott and I riding at biketoberfest
Omar, another deputy sheriff in town, drives an hd vrod, not a core member of group, very much a clumsy rider. (bike name bent because he wrecks too much)the result of an upside down margarita accident
*Al, a realtor and transportation supervisor, drives an hd heritage softtail, great fun guy, always good for a laugh, great point man (which means he usually rides in the front and leads on rides). (bike name still being determined... could be keys bc he dropped his keys in the ocean at a bike rally, could be blue mints bc of a long story involving porta potties and jim beam)Al lookin cool by his bike
*Denise, an office manager, rides bitch for Al, another fun chic, is a mom to a 20 year old, always trying to make al eat something weird. (bike name sparky because at her hotel at a bike rally she found a roach on the balcony and picked it up because she was shocked to find it)Denise and al at Ponce Inslet during bikeweek
Nikki, a restaurant manager, rides a honda rebel 250, single mom to two girls, fiercely independent but traditional at heart, tons of fun, usually smiling and laughing but has a taste for the dramatic (especially with jerry), loves to be the center of attention. (bike name yet to be determined but she wants the princess or the blow off and I vote for call me because she doesn't ever say bye to a man she knows, she says call me and then blows them off)Nikki and Jerry at bikeweek... don't they look good together?
Jerry, a UPS driver, doesn't have a bike yet--Nikki's rebel is actually Jerry's, but its a girl bike so he has pretty much given it to her, but when we all do ride, he rides that bike and Nik rides bitch, good ol' country boy, still in love with Nikki (did I mention they lived together up until recently), likes to talk politics with me. (bike name yet to be determined because due to his situation with nikki he is not a permanent member just yet and due to the fact that he doesn't have a bike...)
____________________________
So what do the stars mean? One star means is one of the cool kids. They don't actually know about this name. But they are the ones who seem to have the whole bike thing down. When Amanda was still riding bitch, she always made a point to say that she rode better than I did (or at least i felt like she did). Jim knows most about riding around here.
And let me tell you about their history...
Fourth of July, Jim rescues a girl friend of ours from her drunken self. Amanda saw this and this caused her to see Jim in a whole new light. Jim already had the hots for Amanda and so they started a little thing.
But, Jim is 44 and Amanda is 26... The age thing was an issue for her.
But the bigger thing to her (it seemed from my perspective) was that even though they had started a relationship, she was still looking for better things. She was honest with him about this. He was honest with her that he was ok with this. But he wasn't honest with himself that he wasn't ok with it... They went round and round for six months and all the while Jim is devoted to Amanda and she is less than devoted to him... She finds other men to pay attention to her and when they stop paying attention she goes back to Jim.
As Jim's friend, this sucks. As Amanda's friend, I would try to help her see how that was a bad way to be.
It all came to a head at New Year's Eve. Jim, Amanda, G and I go to a fancy (expensive) dinner. Jim pays for her. Then we go to our favorite bar. While they are no longer dating, they were there together.
Then, a random previous f-buddy of amanda's showed up. (a little history on that, after a one night stand the guy told her he moved to jacksonville... we don't think he did, he just wanted to use her and get away, but she let him) So amanda starts talking to the f-buddy. She comes to us (me, G, and jim) and says sorry, but I am going with him because I really want to do him (not her exact words, hers were more harsh)... And LEAVES with him. Sorry, but you dance with the one who brung ya!
Jim was crushed. Not that he expected anything from her that night other than to be his date for the night. Plain and simple. And she screwed that up. Luckily, though, (so I thought at the time) this made Jim see how wrong she had been doing him. So Jim told her they could no longer even be close friends for a while so he could get over the hurt and fall out of love with her.
So we didn't see Amanda for a good two months.
During those two months, I was Jim's best friend. We talked daily. He called me all the time. I reassured him that things would be OK. We hung out with him and the new girls he would bring around. We were ok to kick her out of the group because she had done him wrong.
But, of course, she showed back up... With her new (not new bc she had been with him while dating jim and he had treated her like poop) guy in tow. It started that Jim needed a date for the Daytona 500 and he couldn't take me bc that would be inappropriate.
Then, she rode to bikeweek with Jim, the new guy met her there and she left with the new guy... (don't even get me started on her and this guy during biketoberfest--when she and jim were still somewhat of a couple). Jim also had other women ride with him while she was there with the new guy. We all got along just fine. If he can forgive her wrong doing, so can I.
Then we get back from bikeweek. Amanda decides (after seeing jim with other women) that she really does want to be with him... (does it sound to anyone else that she doesn't really want him, she just doesn't want anyone else to have him) And so now things are all hot and heavy again.
And guess what? I am no longer Jim's best friend. he never calls me or G... He will only ride when it is convenient for her. If he doesn't come up with the big plan and she is so so about it then they aren't in.
This really hurts my feelings. If Jim calls and wants g and I to ride with him and we had other plans, we will usually rearrange them to ride with him. We are good friends to him. We care about him. he only cares about us when she isn't around. It pisses me off. I don't care if they have a relationship. I care if their relationship ruins my friendship with Jim.
And I have even talked to him about it. I told him that I am happy for them to be together but that he needs to make more of an effort to not exclude me from his life. To remember that I was there in the thin, and that I want to be there in the thick.
I also know I shouldn't care. If they don't want to hang out with me, then my hubbie says I should be able to say f-em. But it still hurts my feelings.
Yesterday, I send a text out asking the gang if they want to ride and go have dinner and drinks in the next town. I get a yes from G, Nikki, and Jerry. I get a maybe from Omar. I get no response from Al, Denise and Scott (I didn't invite Christina--oops). I get an e-mail from Amanda saying her phone is dead, but they are eating in but are down for riding and drinks. I get a text from jim saying that he is meeting amanda at 5 they were going to run around and then go to lils for a short time and no on dinner. I send back asking if he got amanda's e-mail, that she wanted to go riding but if he didn't then for them to have fun. This really hurt my feelings. I was already having a bad day.
So I decided to go have a drink after work. I didn't think anyone would be there (G was driving back from out of town work, nik and jer were at work). I drive to Lils to see three bikes parked there. Initially I drove off bc I didn't want them to think I had come there to eat with them. But then I decided I had had a bad day and wanted a drink and they weren't going to stop me.
Period.
So I walk in and see Jim and Amanda on the far side of the bar deep in conversation. I stay on the other side of the bar and order my drink, pay, and go sit outside by myself. And mind you, I hate being by myself. had they not been there I would have sat at the bar and talked to people. but i didn't want to talk to them and I didn't want them thinking I was there to hang with them. I have not heard from either one of them all day. I usually hear from one of them every day.
I mean, what was that all about. Am I not cool enough to have drinks with? It just sucks when they hurt my feelings. And they get hurt a lot. We all pick on each other, but they seem to pick on me more than the others (jim only does this when amanda is around)... I hate it that I so easily get my feelings hurt. It really makes me almost cry. Why am I only good enough to be friends with when there are no other options? Why am I just a back up friend? That sucks.
And I don't want to write them off because I know one of them (probably Jim) will need me when things go sour. And I just won't be the kind of person that won't be there for them. That is just spiteful. I don't know...
Sorry for such a long random down post... I just wanted to get that off my chest. I know I didn't cover all the angles of it. At least now you can know the cast of characters of who my friends are...
ttfn
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Time Together
So recently a friend of mine and my husband's pointed out that we are too up each others' asses. I have, of course, been obsessing about this since then. It really is true. We spend virtually all of our free time together. I even hang out at his work when he is working and I am not. But, here is the flip side of that. When I stay home and he works, he calls and texts me endlessly. When I go out and he is at work, or he goes out and I am out of town, we text back and forth and gripe about how much more fun we would be having if the other one were there.
I all the time worry about doing something wrong as a wife. Like I have said before, I know this man loves me more than could be possible, and I try to love him as much, but I just worry. I want to make sure I always do everything the right way as a wife. I don't want to do things now that cause resentment and problems later. My husband is the kind of man who never has an opinion. If he does have an opinion about something, it really holds weight because he rarely voices one so I feel like when he does it must really be important to him (thus the not fighting too hard to go to midtown last night). I logically know he needs time away from me and I need time away from him. But we really don't like spending time apart. It is really that simple. I don't know. I just need to keep working on it and giving us alone time. (well alone for him, for me it will have to be away time because I hate being alone and try to avoid it at all costs)...
Another marital thing going on in my life. We have one of his assistant managers staying at our house this week. She is one of my very close friends and like a little sister to G. Her kids are on spring break and at their grandparents' houses and she lives in the ghetto and doesn't want to stay at her house by herself. So we said, hey, come stay with us. I really enjoy having the company, but I have one worry about it. How many stories have you heard of the house guest becoming the mistress??
I know this doesn't make sense. Especially because I really don't think G would ever have a mistress. I just worry. I said that before, right? This all comes down to my low self esteem. I logically know he loves me and only me. Emotionally I fear (and sometimes feel like I know) that I don't really deserve his love, like I am not worth the magnitude of love he feels. He will eventually figure that out. (this is the ugly voice in my head talking here) He will figure that out and then he will hook up with the very attractive, fun, smart, wild, sexy, daring, doesn't wear underwear calls herself bisexual flirts with my husband, woman staying in my house. Again, not logical, but I also feel like I have to be on my toes. I refuse to be that wife who this happens to and who is shocked by it. I really would be shocked, but at least I will be looking for it. I don't know.
I worry that anyone reading this will think that I have a bad marriage or something. But I don't. And I do know that much. I know we are still newly wed (just celebrated a year about two weeks ago), and that is where I worry. I think about couples with successful and unsuccessful marriages. I worry that those unsuccessful ones didn't know things were bad in the first year. Or the second year. Things are great now. I just want to do all I can to keep them great. I think successful couples do think about these things and do work on their marriages. I don't know.
Oh yeah, and what did I say yesterday? That Ohio State was Gator Bait? Again? Yeah baby! Go Gators!!
ttfn
I all the time worry about doing something wrong as a wife. Like I have said before, I know this man loves me more than could be possible, and I try to love him as much, but I just worry. I want to make sure I always do everything the right way as a wife. I don't want to do things now that cause resentment and problems later. My husband is the kind of man who never has an opinion. If he does have an opinion about something, it really holds weight because he rarely voices one so I feel like when he does it must really be important to him (thus the not fighting too hard to go to midtown last night). I logically know he needs time away from me and I need time away from him. But we really don't like spending time apart. It is really that simple. I don't know. I just need to keep working on it and giving us alone time. (well alone for him, for me it will have to be away time because I hate being alone and try to avoid it at all costs)...
Another marital thing going on in my life. We have one of his assistant managers staying at our house this week. She is one of my very close friends and like a little sister to G. Her kids are on spring break and at their grandparents' houses and she lives in the ghetto and doesn't want to stay at her house by herself. So we said, hey, come stay with us. I really enjoy having the company, but I have one worry about it. How many stories have you heard of the house guest becoming the mistress??
I know this doesn't make sense. Especially because I really don't think G would ever have a mistress. I just worry. I said that before, right? This all comes down to my low self esteem. I logically know he loves me and only me. Emotionally I fear (and sometimes feel like I know) that I don't really deserve his love, like I am not worth the magnitude of love he feels. He will eventually figure that out. (this is the ugly voice in my head talking here) He will figure that out and then he will hook up with the very attractive, fun, smart, wild, sexy, daring, doesn't wear underwear calls herself bisexual flirts with my husband, woman staying in my house. Again, not logical, but I also feel like I have to be on my toes. I refuse to be that wife who this happens to and who is shocked by it. I really would be shocked, but at least I will be looking for it. I don't know.
I worry that anyone reading this will think that I have a bad marriage or something. But I don't. And I do know that much. I know we are still newly wed (just celebrated a year about two weeks ago), and that is where I worry. I think about couples with successful and unsuccessful marriages. I worry that those unsuccessful ones didn't know things were bad in the first year. Or the second year. Things are great now. I just want to do all I can to keep them great. I think successful couples do think about these things and do work on their marriages. I don't know.
Oh yeah, and what did I say yesterday? That Ohio State was Gator Bait? Again? Yeah baby! Go Gators!!
ttfn
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