Nice

I got a much-needed kick in the butt back to the blogsphere thanks to my great friend Lara. She has awarded me a Nice Matters Award.

"This award is for those bloggers who are nice people and good blog friends -
those who bring good feelings and inspiration. Also for those who are a positive
influence on our blogging world. Once you’ve been awarded, please pass it on to 7 others who you feel are deserving of this award."

I will pass this lovely award onto:

• Nikki (who may appear not nice with the occasional f-bomb, but she rocks my socks off and is a sweet heart to this sad little girl).


• Major BedHead (my new friend who sends me great support and advice! And she uses words like Mum and I love that!)


• JillB (another rock star in my world!)


• Mommy Off The Record (she has been supporting me and sharing pregnancy stuff and I sure appreciate it!!)


• Stupid American (she has been loving me since long before the blogsphere and she just rocks socks)


• Betsy (she even gave me the secret password!)


• Ewe Are Here (she always has a kind word to share!)

I want to post the cool picture but I don't know how, so if anyone knows how and wants to tell me, drop me a line!!

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So, onto the not so nice. As you know, it was been a WHILE since I have been here. It has even been a while since I have read others' blogs...

Some part of it is that living at mom and dad's has meant that my computer lives upstairs and I live down.

Part of it has been that my sleep schedule has been so fragile that when I get upstairs I worry if I don't try to go to sleep right away I will lose the chance (like I did tonight).

The biggest part of it is that I am so overwhelmed with hurt and pain that I haven't known what to write... I hate to be all "Debbie Downer..." I hate to write whiney crap even though I know yall love me and will support me. I think I am afraid to write too much because I might discover some new painful feeling that hasn't cropped up yet.

But, I know I NEED to. My mom and sister (I think through my sister's prodding because my sister is actually privvy to this address while mom isn't) have reminded me that blogging is therapuetic and will help me feel better. I think I have reached this weird place where I don't really know how to feel better and that's scary...

I went to Oklahoma three weeks ago and had a fabulous time (except for Gma going in the hospital--she is fine now). When I got back I headed to D.C. for a big conference and LOTS of job interviews. That was GREAT! I had five really great interviews with R1s who have jobs I would love to have. I talked with great folks. I got to talk with people from my school and people at other schools. I got to say goodbye to people from my school and that was nice. I got to meet friends at new schools and that was nice. I was on and happy for most of the time I was out of time. I did really well. I think exuding that kind of happiness and cheerfulness kind of wiped me out of happy for a while, because ever since I have been home, I have been DOWN...

Last week I tried to work hard and get my honey-do's done... I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday for a sonogram/Level II Ultrasound... It was very exciting! We (me and mom--see, i have to clarify that and that makes me mad. I don't get to say we as in my husband/the baby's father and I--no, I have to clarify that my mother goes to these appointments with me) got to see the baby's bones--thigh and arm, her nose, mouth, eyes, ears, and spine... That's right, I said HER... We got to see her lack of outdoor plumbing!! As my sister said, we have a Jane, not a John! I was so relieved! I was so scared and confident this was a boy and that I was going to be even more clueless than I am already going to be... But, as the doctor said, today we're going to say she's a girl... He looked between her legs and said, "Well, if some thing's there, it is hidden really well!" So, I go back in a few weeks and he will take another look. This sono was at 16 weeks, so it is still early, but right now, she's a girl!

G knew that I was going to that appointment and that it was about more than just gender determination. This was an appointment for the docs to say that she looks healthy and that my diabetes hasn't screwed her up. He claimed to want to know what is going on with her, and I told him he would have to call me to ask because he needed to show a little initiative. I waited all day to share our news with him and for him to demonstrate in some small way that he gives a damn.

And what do you know, but he didn't call. And what do you know, but it devastated me. It sent me into a funk from which I have not returned. I texted him on Thursday about a financial matter and he asked how the appointment went. Via text message. All casual like. I told him fine and left it at that. He eventually got around to texting me, "So is it a girl like you wanted?" How dick can he be?? He just oozed rudeness and ass-hole in every word he utters and it breaks my heart with each letter. I don't really ever get to talk to him, but he texts occasionally and his texts hurt just as much as phone calls. Is IT the appropriate pronoun for our sweet baby? No! And is it a competition for the desired gender? No! I am happy as long as this baby is healthy. He seems indifferent about this child and that hurts me so badly. She deserves a daddy and he has robbed her of that. Even if he is "involved," that will mean two weeks a year in another state?? That sucks. I guess personifying her with a gender has brought back some of my issues with him...

And I know I can't expect anything from him and I try not to, but it just hurt so badly when he showed his lack of interest. He is a better man than that. I know it. Where did my G go? Where is the man I married? I miss him so much I ache! I just want him to call me and say, Hey, I am sorry this is all so shitty. Even if we can't be together, I love you. Why can't he call and tell me he loves me? Why doesn't he love me? Why doesn't he love us? Why has he gone away? I just don't understand. At all. I just miss him (the real him, not this new ass hole) so much.

Like I said, for a few weeks, I was doing good. That has all gone away. Wednesday and Thursday collided into Friday where I just cried pretty much all day. It was the only thing I could accomplish on Friday. I even cried when my mom had friends over. I went to a concert of my favorite band with two of my favorite people on Friday night and what do you know, I cried there too (of course this band was OUR favorite too, so some tears were expected). I just want to cry all the time. I just want to sleep and cry and that is about it. I am angry about that too. I am generally a happy person, and I miss being REALLY happy. I can fake it like a champ, but I haven't been genuinely happy in a long time and that sucks.

I want to be excited that I have a baby girl on the way. But I was too busy being sad that my baby girl doesn't get a daddy. I think some part of my sadness for that is that I don't get to be a mommy with a daddy. I know that is selfish.

My family thinks I am depressed, and I think I agree. So I have made an appointment with a counselor, but I am not excited about going. I just don't know how that will help really. Writing this hasn't really helped, it just gave me something to cry about... It may have some long-term effect in helping, but today, nothing really helps. I am very afraid of this hopeless feeling. I have 23 weeks to get it together and be OK for my baby girl. I don't know if that is long enough. That is scary. Not only have I always been scared out of my mind about the whole Mommy gig, now I have to be scared to be single mommy and depressed mommy... And this is all before PPD... Yikes! I am just struggling a lot.

And, I feel terrible for putting my family through this. My mom finds me crying daily and just seems crushed. She doesn't really get it that I am not choosing to do this. I feel bad that it hurts her to see me so down. I want to be up, I just don't know how to get there. My sister and dad have even talked about this on the phone--mind you my dad is not a phone talker... I hate it that they are all worried about this. They all feel totally helpless, and they are. I need their love and support totally, but the love that I really want isn't coming and that is the only thing I can imagine making me better. I feel bad because it is like I am saying to them that their love isn't good enough. I know they know that isn't true, but I just don't want to hurt them any more... My mom and dad said the other night how happy they are that I am home. I said me too and my dad said, no you're not, but that's ok. And that's the truth. I still just want to go home. To my home. To my husband and my dog. And I can't. And that hurts.

So, I am sorry this blog is all over the place. I am really hoping I can try to write more because I do think it will help in the long term. Bear with me and sunny days will return... Go read back in my archives when I was in my care-bear world of happiness and bliss. I was smug with my little world of love and fun. I miss those days. I want them back so badly! I know my baby girl will bring bliss and I WILL bring bliss to her. She deserves a happy healthy mommy and I am going to become that. She is worth it. I know I can do it for her... I just need to remember that! Thanks for listening again!

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PS-I drafted 5th in my fantasy football league and it is time for me to live up to my name--ffbgirl--so hopefully some football stuff is coming. I start work Wednesday with meetings and stuff and I want to write about that too. I want to write more about my conference and the job hunt too.

Really cool ultrasound

I had my 11-week checkup on Tuesday. I had my first REALLY cool experience as a mom.

They were supposed to hear the heartbeat, but it was still too early. Instead they did another ultrasound (this is my third so far)!!

This time, the little being actually looked like a human!! It was so cool!! He/She has an identifiable head and legs and stuff. I could really tell what I was looking at on the screen! It was just amazing. As the nurse pushed around with her little scope thingy the baby flipped over a few times, kicked his/her feet, and even rolled over. Oh my God I cannot tell you how amazing that was!!!

I really cannot use enough exclamation points to convey just how cool and exciting this was. It makes me so happy, and I can't really explain it. It is just so wonderful to see this little being inside me and see him/her moving and acting and responding to stimulation. I so cannot wait for being able to feel the movement!

This was such a much-needed bright spot that I will live off of for a while.

So, without further adieu... Here is The Hulk. You can see how the head is on the right in the first two and then on the left in the last one.

The Pre-Name

What is in a name?

Her Bad Mother posted about Wonderbaby's nickname (and no, she didn't post about the nickname Wonderbaby... just go check it out). While reading it all I could think about is the nickname my husband has given the being that is growing inside me. So, I was pleasantly surprised when HBM concluded her post with an invitation for the rest of us to write about it.

That HBM is such a trend setter and I am such a follower, so I am going to write about it here.

The Hulk.

The Hulk? you ask.

Yes, The Hulk (capital T capital H).

So, very early in this adventure known as pregnancy, while G was still in the shock and awe phase, I told G we needed to come up with an a-sexual name for referring to the being because I just don't like to refer to him or her as an it. That just isn't cool.

This strange little request is actually a sort of family tradition, sort of. My mom tells a story that when she was pregnant with my sister they called her Bozo while she was in the womb. My grandpa eventually pitched a fit and said they couldn't call the baby that because it just might stick and that wouldn't be fair... Regardless of the fear this might cause my grandpa to roll over in his grave (OK, he doesn't have a grave but maybe I mean his ashes to roll over in the bottom of the lake in which he was spread), I still needed G to help me come up with something better than it.

At this point in time, I really needed to get G on board, and I was hoping that if he named the being for now that it would help him realize that this is exciting and wonderful and that this is really actually happening. So, I said we need a name for now.

He suggested something even more manly than The Hulk at first, but I pooh-poohed that one. So when the next one was The Hulk, I was afraid if I pooh-poohed that one he would stop playing and be even more out of the loop on this crazy baby thing. So I said, sure, The Hulk will work.

So, The Hulk is growing inside me. I really like the nickname. I am concerned if this child turns out to be a girl that The Hulk is really hard to turn into something feminine, but we will figure it out.

Anybody out there pre-name their child? Tell me all about it!!

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Scary

OK, I have really been trying to post something for the last seven days, but I have failed. Yesterday, I was really thinking about why I suddenly didn't have anything to say. I know I have all kinds of things going on in my life, but I just seem blog-stipated so to speak.

Why?

Well, I think some of it is that I am scared to death. To be completely honest, this whole becoming a mom thing is really freaking me out. I know we were trying to get pregnant and all, but now I am just kind of freaking out. I really hope it is all the hormones or something...

Maybe if I write about some of these probably irrational fears, I will feel better. I know everyone is scared about becoming a mom, but I just feel really ill prepared and unqualified for the most important job in existence. I have never really had to do anything hard in life. This is going to be really really hard. I know that. I also know that knowing that will help. But I feel like I need more tools. I need to read more books, I need to take more classes, I need an internship or something!

I never babysat and I was the youngest child, so I am fairly clueless. I am mostly clueless about the newborn stage.

For example, I have no clue how to give a newborn baby a bath. And when do you give them a bath, is there a waiting period? Do you have to wait a certain number of days? Do the doctors tell you this? And do babies get baths every day like grown ups? I don't remember my sister giving her new babies a bath every single day, so what is the rotation?

And what about breastfeeding? I have read all about purple cracked nipples and how horrible it is and how much it hurts and how it isn't easy and how you don't get in a groove with it until several weeks into the deal... But, my sister has said it has always been fairly easy for her. I even asked her about the cracked and purple nipples and she said this didn't happen to her. So this bad stuff doesn't happen to everybody? Is there anything I can do to prevent it? I know this is going to sound horrible, but even still, breastfeeding really does just gross me out, so I am really counting on there being some maternal instinct take over after birth that allows me to share that bond with my child...

OK, so those are my two biggies I guess. I know I will figure out a lot of it. I do know that, but I am not used to being totally clueless and it is a feeling I don't enjoy. From what I hear, it is something I will have to get used to as a Mom. Is that true?

On to pregnancy questions... I am just plum wore out these days. Now mind you, I am generally a kind of pokey sleepy kind of person--not real high energy... But this is out of control. I think I could sleep 18 hours a day if not more. I wake up, go to work, work for a while, go home and take a nap, go back to work for a little while, go home, eat dinner, fall back asleep fairly easily. It is just crazy. And don't even ask about days when I don't work. I just snooze and drink water and diet 7up and occasionally snack and go back to snoozing or kickin' it on the couch.

This is so not working for my research agenda.

I HAVE to write my prospectus for my dissertation before July 10 or so. I also have to prepare for quals. My goal for the last two weeks has been to write my damn method section. Now I am really going to get in gear and get it written this week. If it kills me.

It really might kill me.

I am struggling on a few fronts. I have not totally decided which theoretical questions I will address and how many I can address with the experiments I already conducted. My most fabulous research partner and savior sent me a list of theories she thought might apply to the questions I used in my experiments. Now, I have to go through and decide what I do and don't want to use. I don't know how wide or narrow of a net to cast. My advisor (although I haven't gotten much advice) has said to reign it in, so I am trying to remember to do that. But, this is important to me, and I don't want to half-ass it. I feel like only addressing one or two theories might be half-assing it. I think I am going to have to work a little bit on the lit review before I complete the method section, and I DETEST (and that word really isn't strong enough) literature reviews. I know that is horrible, but it is true. I don't know...

And, my mom is totally on my ass now about getting this thing DONE and done quickly. She asks me every time I talk to her (which is at least once a day) how much I have written on my "paper." First, this is so much bigger than a paper that it is really annoying when she calls it just a paper. Second, I know she means well, but it is annoying. Third, now she has enlisted other family members to ask how much I have written on my "paper" every time they talk to me.

Can you say annoying???

On the flip side of that, my most awesome research partner and savior is actually helping to motivate me by asking me questions about it and reminding me that I am actually excited to conduct research. She so rocks my socks off. She needs to blog (she used to blog, but gave it up. I hope she returns--hint hint). So, hopefully I can post some form of updates here about what I am (or am not) getting accomplished.

So, now that I have gotten off my chest some of my irrational fears and my stressors, I hope to return to a somewhat regular posting schedule. Hopefully yall knew I hadn't dropped off the face of the planet because I was still commenting.

Speaking of commenting, I found a blogger whom I MUST recommend, she is just a freaking rock star. Go check out Mommy Off the Record. She is pretty darn cool!

OK, I hope to post again tomorrow. I have missed writing and I hope you guys have missed me too! Oh, and please add to your prayer list (or positive thinking list or whatever you do) that I continue to not throw up. Just ask once a day for me, please!! I am really hopeful I continue on this path of not throwing up because I really hate throwing up more than the normal person hates it. Plus, it could screw with my diabetes. I really need to NOT throw up, so just add that to your wish list for me, please and thank you!!

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Teaching and other stuff

So an update is so long overdue. I know most of you understand that my head is swimming in about a thousand other directions, but after a week of having the knowledge that I am actually growing a real human being inside me, I think it is time to sit down and let you folks know how I have been...

So, first let me tell you a little bit about my teaching. (haha I know you want preggo details, but I will get to that)

I think students who take classes in the first summer session are not as go-getter-ish as those who take classes in the second summer session. I do realize that my class is at 8 in the morning. They seem really pissed to be there at that hour. I am fairly pissed to be there at that hour, but I deal with it, and I don't think it is unreasonable to expect them to deal with it a little better!

Of my 50 or so students, 20 of them seem great, 20 of them seem to suck at life, and the other 20 are somewhere in between. They are learning though, and that makes me happy. They have now submitted 5 writing assignments. They turned in their first into essay and a resume and cover letter. Then, the media writing started.

Their first assignment was two brief news stories with no direct quotes taken from a hypothetical police report. They also had the opportunity to write a practice news story. Those were not bad at all. Some students actually wrote strong summary leads and used the inverted pyramid to organize the information from most important to least important. I was pleased overall.

Their second assignment was a brief news story with information from a "police report" as well as direct quotes from an interview (all info is provided to them on a fact sheet). Some students did even better on those than the first assignment. A few students regressed. Overall, though, I still feel good about their progress. I think they have a basic understanding of the basic news story. They understand how to attribute information. They get it that a fact sheet cannot speak and therefore they must use according to. They see how quotes provide a voice for the story. I am pretty pleased.

Today they had to write a soft lead and follow the feature style for the first time. I saw some really awesome soft leads as I looked over their shoulders in lab today. I also saw some really crappy ones, but soft leads are tough. I don't hold them to really harsh standards on their first try. I am really hopeful that they were able to take hypothetical notes from two interviews and create a story that is interesting and engaging. The only real bummer of today was that two of my best students were not there. One of them e-mailed me before class saying he was sick. The other one sent nothing, so I hope she hasn't dropped. I am letting the guy make it up but I am not sure what to do about the girl... I will probably have to decide that tomorrow.

And then the only other thing worth mentioning about my students right now is the two bad seeds I have seen so far. I think I weeded one out! So, before the semester started, my TA looked over the roster and told me that one of my lab students was in her lab last semester and was a real pain in the bootay. I kind of shrugged it off as problem students for others are something I can usually handle.

Wow was I wrong with this girl.

She had such a piss pore attitude and oooozed entitlement issues. She dropped the class last semester because she had her tonsils out but didn't go through the correct channels to make up her work and so when push came to shove she was going to make a bad grade in the class. She even got her mother involved in the fray!

Her Mother!

So, when she shows up into my class, she gives me this whole song and dance about how she got screwed last semester and how she was making an A up to Lab 7, so she didn't really see the point to participating until we get to the point she hasn't done... Give me a damn break. I very politely tell the student that she has a great opportunity to build upon the strong foundation she already has and because I am a different instructor and that this is a new class she will need to approach it as such--blah blah blah.

She missed at least half of the classes in the first two weeks, showed up late if she showed up at all, and was generally a pain in the ass when she was there. Luckily, she did very poorly on the first graded lab and didn't show up after that.

I don't like it that I am happy she is gone, but I am. I just don't like students who won't help themselves. I have LOTS of students who had to drop the class the previous semester. I am usually very successful with those students. I just don't feel like I owe any one student more than another. I give a lot to my students. I see my classroom as a family environment in which I will give 100% and I expect the same from my kids. If we all work really hard together, we will all come out better on the other side.

So that was my really bad seed. Then there was the asshat (thank you to whoever uses that term regularly in your blog. I can't for the life of me figure out who it is. If it is you, please speak up because it is kind of driving me crazy.) from the back of the room.

So I am in the middle of my lecture. I am randomly calling on students to participate. I got tired of the same five girls (whom I adore) in the front answering every question, so I start calling on the kids in the back. One young man looks kind of out of it, but he answered my question and seemed like he was tuned in.

But.

But, he had one of those blue-tooth ear pieces in his ear. I couldn't help myself, so I had to ask why.

Me: "Are you waiting on an important phone call?"
AssHat: "Uh... No, I, uh, am listening to music."
Me: (a little stunned) "In my class?!?" (pause for effect) "NICE" "So, a strong lead is one that draws the reader into the story and summarizes the most important aspect of the news..."

I am still unsure if I handled that the right way. He seemed only mildly embarrassed, but he hasn't had his big blue tooth thing in his ear since (although I do suspect he has had a smaller earbud type thing in his ear since then).

As a college instructor, what are my options here?? Do I ignore it? Do I kick his sorry butt out of my class? Do I demand he pay attention? Do I do nothing? I wasn't sure here.

But, other than those two doozies, I think this group is growing on me. I feel a little bad for them in that I have been mildly distracted by my new state... I think I am getting it together and will overcome last week's general craziness.

So, my new state. Okay, I admit it, I just am not ready to write all that much about it... But I will. Soon. Just a tease for now, when I do write I will talk about:

• my mom and how she is trying to help me be emotionally and mentally prepared should I miscarry... her way of doing this is by being somewhat distant about the little being inside me, calling it a group of cells, saying things like that baby isn't yours until it is here... more on that later.
• my husband and his so-called shock and awe phase and how it is lasting way too long for my taste.
• these weird cramps that I suspect are related to gas or poop but might not be so they still scare the crap out of me
• how annoyed I am that I don't get to see a doctor until June 21
• my general confusion with the gestational calendar week thingy... I think I am now in week 6, but the baby was only conceived like 3 weeks ago or so...
• how I am going to handle the dissertation and telling my advisor and what this means to my fellowship
• my general fears like how I don't even know how to bathe a baby... I can learn a lot of things from books, but I have GOT to find a class to learn some of the basics. I never babysat people. I am clueless! I am so afraid I will suck at this! But, at the same time, I am excited and certain I will figure it all out...

Ok, that will be another really long blog. I tried the short thing, I suck at it. Another long one will come soon. I hope to be able to talk about a few of these things in the near future. I see the endocrinologist tomorrow and the OB nurse Thursday... I will have news after those appointments I am sure.

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HOLY COW!!!

WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!

Very few people actually know, but I am excited so I just had to share with my bloggy pals!! It is SOOOOO early and I shouldn't even be telling anyone yet, but I can't keep a secret for crap.

Trying

OK. I can't believe I am going to type what I am about to type. That might make it feel really really real. I am actually literally nervous to type it out because then it is something more than a casual maybe iffee we will see kind of thing.

We. Are.Trying.

To get pregnant.

I can't believe it. I have spent the last almost ten years of my life trying to avoid getting pregnant. I used to make conversations about how sex would change if it were being performed for the purpose of procreation.

You wanna' know the really bad part? It took a conversation with my mom and her telling me she is ok with it before I was totally ok with it. I know my sister would just have a hey-day with that. I know I didn't need my mother's permission, but I feel much better now that I have it.

So I have quit smoking... I don't know if you can ever actually quit smoking, but I have stopped smoking. It was a hell of a lot easier than I expected, and I think that was because it wasn't for me. It was for my someday kiddo. They are way more important than smoking. I haven't completely quit drinking, I still have a cocktail every now and again and of course I drank at the bike weekend, but I have already cut back and as we progress that will go away too. This is only the second month I have been off birth control.

G is actually on board too. I thought it would take him longer to get OK with it, but he said he is OK. Last month I was off birth control by accident, but this month was a conscious choice made by both me and G. I happen to know I am ovulating right now, but I didn't share that with G... I am afraid if I tell him that much detail it will freak him out and make it too weird. I think this should just be fun and free for him. I can do the worrying for now. If this takes too long, then he can worry about some of the details with me, but for now, he just needs to enjoy.

So, any advice?? Should I start taking prenatal vitamins? Should I take fertility vitamins? Right now is the really casual not preventing stage... How long should we be in this stage before we move to a more serious stage of actively trying to get pregnant?

Also, I want to thank you bloggers. It is through reading from other mothers who were in the process of the Ph.D. that I finally decided I wasn't crazy to want this now. I have read about other women who could do this, so I think we can do it too. Maybe I am crazy, but I figure no one is completely ready, so why wait. I am really excited.

I even went online last night to look at a fertility calendar. That felt weird to do. Any other times I have thought about fertility was for the purpose of thinking about NOT getting pregnant. I even read about tips for increasing your chances to get pregnant. At other times in my life when I read those tips I would have done everything in my power to do the exact opposite. Lie with your hips up for 20 to 30 minutes after, huh... Before I would have analyzed that and figured out how to do the exact opposite, but not any more and that is a freeing feeling.

So I might not be able to blog about this much, I am just not sure... I hope that the trying part won't last too long. I am quite possibly the most impatient person alive, so you might read a lot about me getting tired of waiting. Oh well... I really want anyone who reads this and has some advice to share it. This isn't something I foresee myself talking about with people in the real world, so my people out in the blog world will be all I have. I hope to hear from you soon!!

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