I love school!

Well, I have been at work for the last two days, and WOW has that ever improved my spirits!

Yesterday I started with a training session on the course management system at my new campus. That was fairly boring, but it at least exposed me to what I will be using when I get a log in and password. Then, I sat in on the campus newspaper staff meeting and that was FABULOUS! I contributed in a few places and started making my presence known. I think it was appreciated... Then, I worked for about an hour on my syllabus and what not. Then, I went to a book rep's meeting to learn about the online resources associated with the book my students will be using. Then, I had dinner and talked with other faculty, and then we had a department meeting.

At the departmental meeting we learned about resources available at the library and through campus media. We also learned that we have to give a final exam (OK, I can do that). We also learned that we have to take attendance (I learned that anyways, the others already knew)... I am not wild about that, but I will do it. I think taking attendance in a college setting is odd. These are supposedly adults and they can make the decision to attend class or not and reap the rewards or suffer the consequences. It is pretty simple. In my class, you come to class, you can do quite well. If you don't come to class, you can't do all that well. Straight forward, huh? Oh well. So then we called it a day.

Then, I convinced my dad to go celebrate my great day with a drink (for him, not me). We went to a local place and had tons of fun. I competed in a karaoke contest and took second place. That was cool. My mom came up (she had been at a business dinner) and brought her intoxicated co-worker, so that was entertaining too. It was just nice and felt normal to go have a drink after a good day at work (even if it was a virgin mary).

So today I started with a new doctor's appointment... That went fine except I broke down in tears while telling the doctor my life story (as I have named the drama that has been my life lately). I hate crying in front of people... And he asked me if my O.B. was prescribing me anything to keep my spirits up... I assumed that during pregnancy, drugs would be a no-no... If not, I could be open to medicating some of this pain away. Is that wrong?

After the appointment, I went to work and loved it AGAIN! I edited student newspaper stories and did a good job, if I do say so myself. My supervisor took one of the edited storied I had done and showed it to her co-worker and said, "She's one of us..." That was approval right there. I also developed my semester schedule, which was a relief. Finally, I attended new adjunct faculty orientation. That was informative and interesting.

The best part of the meeting was at the end when I connected with another new adjunct who will be teaching speech. I told her my life story, too, and she really empathized. She was very compassionate and even gave me her name and phone number to call for advice. She offered some helpful advice and even promised prayers for me. It was just very nice. It was like meeting one of you guys in real person! It was great!

So now I am home and needing to either get busy or go to bed... I found out at least one of my three classes made and it looks like of the other two, at least one is going to make... So that is good. I am so going to be broke soon, but oh well. I am going to a women of faith conference tomorrow and Saturday with my girl scout troop leader and my two best friends since kindergarten. I am very excited and nervous. Excited because it will be great for my spirits to spend time with these women. Nervous because I am worried what all the faith soul searching will do to my raw emotions... I hope I can handle it. So, before I have to be at their house by 7 a.m. (in nine hours), I need to sleep, pack for two days, take a shower, iron some shirts, and get ready to go... Not to mention get my syllabus ready for next week!

But, blogging did make me feel better earlier in the week, and I anticipate that I won't be able to this weekend, so I wanted to get this in. I hope I can keep my spirits up like they are. I am afraid they won't, and I worry this isn't "real..." Like I don't really feel better and I will get back to feeling so crappy. I hope not, but I have a feeling I will. Think positive for me! I am still seeing the counselor soon. Oh, and I think Eleanor has moved up into the top half of my stomach instead of just being in the lower part... I am probably wrong, but the top half of my belly has gone from being lumpy and fatty to being pretty solid (bulging in both scenarios)... Is it possible she's moving around like that? OK, I better pack or something soon!

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Nice

I got a much-needed kick in the butt back to the blogsphere thanks to my great friend Lara. She has awarded me a Nice Matters Award.

"This award is for those bloggers who are nice people and good blog friends -
those who bring good feelings and inspiration. Also for those who are a positive
influence on our blogging world. Once you’ve been awarded, please pass it on to 7 others who you feel are deserving of this award."

I will pass this lovely award onto:

• Nikki (who may appear not nice with the occasional f-bomb, but she rocks my socks off and is a sweet heart to this sad little girl).


• Major BedHead (my new friend who sends me great support and advice! And she uses words like Mum and I love that!)


• JillB (another rock star in my world!)


• Mommy Off The Record (she has been supporting me and sharing pregnancy stuff and I sure appreciate it!!)


• Stupid American (she has been loving me since long before the blogsphere and she just rocks socks)


• Betsy (she even gave me the secret password!)


• Ewe Are Here (she always has a kind word to share!)

I want to post the cool picture but I don't know how, so if anyone knows how and wants to tell me, drop me a line!!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So, onto the not so nice. As you know, it was been a WHILE since I have been here. It has even been a while since I have read others' blogs...

Some part of it is that living at mom and dad's has meant that my computer lives upstairs and I live down.

Part of it has been that my sleep schedule has been so fragile that when I get upstairs I worry if I don't try to go to sleep right away I will lose the chance (like I did tonight).

The biggest part of it is that I am so overwhelmed with hurt and pain that I haven't known what to write... I hate to be all "Debbie Downer..." I hate to write whiney crap even though I know yall love me and will support me. I think I am afraid to write too much because I might discover some new painful feeling that hasn't cropped up yet.

But, I know I NEED to. My mom and sister (I think through my sister's prodding because my sister is actually privvy to this address while mom isn't) have reminded me that blogging is therapuetic and will help me feel better. I think I have reached this weird place where I don't really know how to feel better and that's scary...

I went to Oklahoma three weeks ago and had a fabulous time (except for Gma going in the hospital--she is fine now). When I got back I headed to D.C. for a big conference and LOTS of job interviews. That was GREAT! I had five really great interviews with R1s who have jobs I would love to have. I talked with great folks. I got to talk with people from my school and people at other schools. I got to say goodbye to people from my school and that was nice. I got to meet friends at new schools and that was nice. I was on and happy for most of the time I was out of time. I did really well. I think exuding that kind of happiness and cheerfulness kind of wiped me out of happy for a while, because ever since I have been home, I have been DOWN...

Last week I tried to work hard and get my honey-do's done... I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday for a sonogram/Level II Ultrasound... It was very exciting! We (me and mom--see, i have to clarify that and that makes me mad. I don't get to say we as in my husband/the baby's father and I--no, I have to clarify that my mother goes to these appointments with me) got to see the baby's bones--thigh and arm, her nose, mouth, eyes, ears, and spine... That's right, I said HER... We got to see her lack of outdoor plumbing!! As my sister said, we have a Jane, not a John! I was so relieved! I was so scared and confident this was a boy and that I was going to be even more clueless than I am already going to be... But, as the doctor said, today we're going to say she's a girl... He looked between her legs and said, "Well, if some thing's there, it is hidden really well!" So, I go back in a few weeks and he will take another look. This sono was at 16 weeks, so it is still early, but right now, she's a girl!

G knew that I was going to that appointment and that it was about more than just gender determination. This was an appointment for the docs to say that she looks healthy and that my diabetes hasn't screwed her up. He claimed to want to know what is going on with her, and I told him he would have to call me to ask because he needed to show a little initiative. I waited all day to share our news with him and for him to demonstrate in some small way that he gives a damn.

And what do you know, but he didn't call. And what do you know, but it devastated me. It sent me into a funk from which I have not returned. I texted him on Thursday about a financial matter and he asked how the appointment went. Via text message. All casual like. I told him fine and left it at that. He eventually got around to texting me, "So is it a girl like you wanted?" How dick can he be?? He just oozed rudeness and ass-hole in every word he utters and it breaks my heart with each letter. I don't really ever get to talk to him, but he texts occasionally and his texts hurt just as much as phone calls. Is IT the appropriate pronoun for our sweet baby? No! And is it a competition for the desired gender? No! I am happy as long as this baby is healthy. He seems indifferent about this child and that hurts me so badly. She deserves a daddy and he has robbed her of that. Even if he is "involved," that will mean two weeks a year in another state?? That sucks. I guess personifying her with a gender has brought back some of my issues with him...

And I know I can't expect anything from him and I try not to, but it just hurt so badly when he showed his lack of interest. He is a better man than that. I know it. Where did my G go? Where is the man I married? I miss him so much I ache! I just want him to call me and say, Hey, I am sorry this is all so shitty. Even if we can't be together, I love you. Why can't he call and tell me he loves me? Why doesn't he love me? Why doesn't he love us? Why has he gone away? I just don't understand. At all. I just miss him (the real him, not this new ass hole) so much.

Like I said, for a few weeks, I was doing good. That has all gone away. Wednesday and Thursday collided into Friday where I just cried pretty much all day. It was the only thing I could accomplish on Friday. I even cried when my mom had friends over. I went to a concert of my favorite band with two of my favorite people on Friday night and what do you know, I cried there too (of course this band was OUR favorite too, so some tears were expected). I just want to cry all the time. I just want to sleep and cry and that is about it. I am angry about that too. I am generally a happy person, and I miss being REALLY happy. I can fake it like a champ, but I haven't been genuinely happy in a long time and that sucks.

I want to be excited that I have a baby girl on the way. But I was too busy being sad that my baby girl doesn't get a daddy. I think some part of my sadness for that is that I don't get to be a mommy with a daddy. I know that is selfish.

My family thinks I am depressed, and I think I agree. So I have made an appointment with a counselor, but I am not excited about going. I just don't know how that will help really. Writing this hasn't really helped, it just gave me something to cry about... It may have some long-term effect in helping, but today, nothing really helps. I am very afraid of this hopeless feeling. I have 23 weeks to get it together and be OK for my baby girl. I don't know if that is long enough. That is scary. Not only have I always been scared out of my mind about the whole Mommy gig, now I have to be scared to be single mommy and depressed mommy... And this is all before PPD... Yikes! I am just struggling a lot.

And, I feel terrible for putting my family through this. My mom finds me crying daily and just seems crushed. She doesn't really get it that I am not choosing to do this. I feel bad that it hurts her to see me so down. I want to be up, I just don't know how to get there. My sister and dad have even talked about this on the phone--mind you my dad is not a phone talker... I hate it that they are all worried about this. They all feel totally helpless, and they are. I need their love and support totally, but the love that I really want isn't coming and that is the only thing I can imagine making me better. I feel bad because it is like I am saying to them that their love isn't good enough. I know they know that isn't true, but I just don't want to hurt them any more... My mom and dad said the other night how happy they are that I am home. I said me too and my dad said, no you're not, but that's ok. And that's the truth. I still just want to go home. To my home. To my husband and my dog. And I can't. And that hurts.

So, I am sorry this blog is all over the place. I am really hoping I can try to write more because I do think it will help in the long term. Bear with me and sunny days will return... Go read back in my archives when I was in my care-bear world of happiness and bliss. I was smug with my little world of love and fun. I miss those days. I want them back so badly! I know my baby girl will bring bliss and I WILL bring bliss to her. She deserves a happy healthy mommy and I am going to become that. She is worth it. I know I can do it for her... I just need to remember that! Thanks for listening again!

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PS-I drafted 5th in my fantasy football league and it is time for me to live up to my name--ffbgirl--so hopefully some football stuff is coming. I start work Wednesday with meetings and stuff and I want to write about that too. I want to write more about my conference and the job hunt too.

Big shock, I have been MIA

I know I keep apologizing for this and I know that at some point what few of you are left will flee for lack of interesting material here at this fair blog, but I at least wanted to check in and give you a quick update...

I have been in Oklahoma with family this past week/weekend... My grandma mysteriously got sick and wound up in the hospital. Me being the pregnant and gross-out fearing person that I am, I didn't actually see her in the hospital, but I at least spent an afternoon in the waiting room... She is still in the hospital but doing better. Prayers and positive thoughts for her are appreciated.

Also while in Oklahoma, my aunt informed my uncle that she is done with their marriage. Hmmm, let me give you a short short version as I want to post on this at length very soon. My aunt and I are very alike. She married a somewhat blue-collar kind of guy who loves her a lot, but who is probably beneath her (similar to me marrying a blue-collar kind of guy whom I thought loved me a lot and is probably beneath me)... I saw their marriage as a hope that G and I would always be OK (before he up and left me)... She has been considering this divorce for a year or so and it has been hard for me to be on her side. I know that is horrible and I should support her and love her no matter what. I do love her, I just hate it that she is quitting on her marriage (of like 25 years). It is not my business and I am judging and thrusting my experiences on a situation that is probably not all that similar, so it makes me feel guilty. But, none the less, that made the weekend less than enjoyable.

I am headed to a BIG conference this week and have TONS to do to get ready. I have TWO (that's right, TWO) interviews set up for this conference with big research one schools. One of the programs just e-mailed me this weekend and I am PUMPED! This school is one of the few with a specialty in my area and other researchers from my research group have gotten jobs there. I interviewed there for their Ph.D. program and didn't get in. The gentleman who e-mailed me about interviewing at the conference is one with whom I had dinner while on my Ph.D. interview and I really enjoyed him. I hope I impressed him back three or four years ago and I hope I can impress him again.

This whole divorce thing is still kicking my ass. I want to boo hoo daily. I try to limit the actual boo-hooing to once a week or so and just have a good cry daily, but it gets hard. It is especially hard after a weekend around a lot of people. I know it will be a challenge at this conference as I cannot mention the pregnancy and WILL NOT mention the divorce... It is just hard to be all smiley and happy all the time when I feel like crap.

I miss G so much it hurts. I ache inside. I just want to go home, and I can't. That is the worse feeling in the world. I know this is home now, but it still doesn't feel like it. I miss my husband and my dog. I miss hugs and kisses in a romantic way. I miss going to sleep with a big guy snoring on the other side of me. I miss waking up annoyed that his alarm is going off and he doesn't even hear it.

I know our marriage was obviously not good, but I sure loved it and it hurts so bad that I don't get to experience it anymore. I just don't know how to cope with how sad this makes me. I try to be positive and just look for the good. I try to be rational and reasonable and accept that I am going to hurt. But how long?? When will I not want to just crawl back into bed every day because facing another day is just a crummy thought? When will this not be so hard?

Oh wait, it is only going to get harder because I have a baby on the way and I will be going through that alone. That scares the crap out of me. I knew I could be a good mom as long as I had G's support and that together we could do this. I know logically that I can do it alone, but it is so much more scary than anything I have ever thought of before. What if I am as bad at it as I think I can be?? What if I can't do this?

And I am still pissed that I have to answer all the questions about being the pregnant one whose husband left... At the lake this weekend I had to tell two different people (basically strangers) at least something about my husband and I just had no clue how to do that. I need to come up with some stock answer, but I am not very good at short and sweet, as you guys know... And I go to a new doctor this week and I am sure I will have to address the father issue there too. I don't want people thinking that I am OK with doing this alone. I am well aware that a two-parent home is preferable. This was not my choice. How do I convey that without giving my life story? And I know I shouldn't care what people think, but I do.

So, this is basically why I have not been writing. I am too afraid it will turn into this--a long whiny gripe fest that no one wants to read. I apologize. If you even made it this far, I thank you for listening to my pain. If you have any advice on dealing, please share it. I am struggling. I am struggling far worse than I really want to let on. I don't think my parents realize that I have not moved forward in any real way emotionally. It is still as painful as it was a month ago. I have gone through the motions and gotten a job and I am looking forward and appearing to be strong on the outside, but inside I am a big glop of mush. And it is painful mush and I don't like it. Sorry again this was such a downer. I hope getting it out of my head will make me feel better, at least. I will try to make tomorrow's post a happier one (Lara tagged me for a meme, so I will do that tomorrow). OK, one last request for hugs and positive thoughts and prayers (last for this post, there will be many more requests like that in my future).

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