return from the myspace era

OK, while I was away, I posted a few blogs over at myspace. I think posting them here will catch you up on some of the uglier issues that were in my life...

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

GREAT news about Eleanor

Well folks, I figure it is time to share something positive and not reminiscent of junior high, so here it is...


I see a perinatal specialist twice a week for Level II Ultrasounds--very in-depth sonograms, basically. These guys take a look at Eleanor and make sure she is doing OK. This is all related to my diabetes.



So, at my last OB appointment I asked my doctor about delivering early and he was not all that receptive... So today I asked the specialists about the possibility of delivering before the first of the year and he said it looked HIGHLY POSSIBLE!!!!!! I am so excited!

Now, mind you, this doctor has seen sono pictures of my baby ALL THE TIME! Early in the pregnancy we went once every three weeks, then every other week, then every week, and since about 30 weeks we have been going twice a week. He knows how my girl is doing! He is the one who told us last Thursday that she already weighs 5 pounds! And that was with 6 weeks to go.
He knows how her lungs are developing and knows how she is developing, so I trust him. If he says it will be healthy for all involved for her to arrive before the first of the year, then I am PUMPED! I so would LOVE for her to get here by the first of the year!



So, after all three of my baby showers (yes, I had three, I feel so fortunate!), there were still some MAJOR items I needed to get to be ready for this precious girl. So Mom and I went to Target today and bought some nursery stuff and three different brands of binkies, and I that was about it--THANK YOU to my cousin Whitney, who's gift card purchased these items! Then I went online when I got home and ordered her crib mattress, nursury crib set, extra sheets, and the mobile that goes with her set. It should all be here before Christmas.


Sally sent her crib home with us a few months ago, and she is sending her cradle home with Mom next week! We aren't using a changing table. Sally is also giving us her pack'n'play that has a bassinet attachment thing for when she sleeps downstairs! As soon as we get the upstairs painted (which we are hoping to have done within two weeks), I will be able to put the nursery really together. It is really all coming together and starting to feel SCARY real!! I think this is that nesting thing they talk about...



So, I just wanted to share the GREAT news, Eleanor may be here by 2008!!! :) And, I may actually be ready for her (with stuff at least if not emotionally--haha!)!! There are still some things we will need to buy or that I hope to get for christmas (like the baby bjorn backpack/carrier with added back support--man I hope santa brings this to me--hehehe), but really I think we are set. I am so lucky that Sally and Jared are willing to pass along their kids' stuff to Eleanor! I am so thankful for this fabulous family I have!!!


So, I hope all these thoughts about my girl makes you smile, I know anytime I think about her (which is about every minute or two), I can't help but smile! I can't wait to meet her and see what color her hair and eyes are, whether she has a dimple like her mom, and whether those chubby cheeks are THAT chubby! I can't wait to get to know her (I suspect she has her mother's attitude--UHOH!)! 5 weeks (or less) can't pass quickly enough for me!



Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Who’s the liar?

Well, we have news here in hoo-ville...



So, my dad has taken over all interactions with the deadbeat because it was far too stressful for poor little preggo me (or I just wasn't being taken seriously or G would say mean and horrible things to me that would make me cry or something like that... the bottom line is, it wasn't good for me or the baby to be verbally assaulted while trying to conduct business). Dad sent notice to the deadbeat that we would have to start cutting our losses because the deadbeat had gone back on his agreement to pay his debt, provide Eleanor and me with insurance, and pay me monthly payments. What cutting our losses meant is that we have to sell the bike. Now we aren't doing this to be mean or vindictive or anything like that. I simply can't afford to take the huge depreciation on the bike along with the large loan and pay the deadbeat's share of credit card debt plus the atrocious cost of COBRA.


So, my dad, serving as my accountant, did the math and figured out that this was just too much of a financial drain on me and advised the deadbeat that he needed to let us know either if he was going to pay his debt or hand over the bike. Seems pretty simple to me.



The deadbeat actually responded to my dad (YEAH!). This means he is still alive (so Eleanor will be able to seek child support for him). Remind yourselves, dear readers, I had not heard from him in over a month. He changed jobs (cancelling my insurance) without telling me and pretty much dropped off the face of the planet. We were more than a little surprised that he responded, but the deadbeat is nothing if not surprising to this pregnant person!


The deadbeat tells my father that he needed information on where to send payments and that he had repeatedly asked me for this information and I had refused to give it to him. Really? Really? Well, even though some people prefer to see me as the liar, here is yet another example of his lies... I sent him an e-mail outlining which payments were due when for the month of November... I even went so far as to summarize it all at the end of the e-mail saying have money for these payments available on this day and so on. I also attached the statements (every one for each card since I left in July). The only ones I didn't attach were those that weren't available when I sent the e-mail. I didn't get a timely response to this e-mail, so I re-sent it a few days later just to be sure. He responded that he had gotten the e-mail.

So, tell me please, how is it possible to not know where to mail a payment when you have a digital copy of the statements. I looked at the statements. They clearly state where to mail payments to. They include the account numbers to include on the check. They clearly say how much of a minimum payment is due and when. Further, hard copies of one of the statements are still being delivered to his house in Gainesville!??! But, in case he didn't want to mail them, when it came time for the first payment to be due (it was the cell phone bill), I realized it would be automatically drafted from our joint checking account (an account I do not use other than to pay bills online for him). I didn't want an account with my name on it to get overdrafted, so I checked the balance in advance of the drafting to discover there was not enough money there to cover the draft. So, what did I do? I sent him another e-mail notifying him that the draft was coming and that the money wasn't there. No money got deposited and I didn't hear back from him. So, I changed the payment stuff and had it drafted from my account.



Did I mention that he said in his e-mail to my dad that he had deposited money in the joint account but because of my failures to communicate with him the money just sat there?? So, I double-checked and not once was the joint checking account balance enough to cover any of his bills when they were due...


So then the first credit card payment was due. Again, I checked the joint checking account, saw there was no money there, paid the bill myself because it is in my name and I can't hurt my credit any further. No word from him.



Then the next credit card payment was due. Again, I checked the joint checking account, saw there was no money there, paid the bill myself because... Wait, you have heard this before. You get the picture.


Then as you already read about, I had to deal with the drama that was enrolling in COBRA when he failed to inform me of his termination date and my insurance got cancelled without my knowledge. Worry not, I have solved that problem and paid for that, too.



Now, the scary part to all of this is that yes, I have the money right now. I got a school loan, as usual, at the beginning of the year, and I have two jobs. But when I have the baby and can't work, I am going to need the money I had to spend on his stuff to keep us afloat. You see the problem here.


So, needless to say, I was incensed when he would dare lie to my dad. Like my dad would believe him! And to think he told me I was the liar and that I needed to stop my lies?? What did I lie about?


Did I lie about being committed to him until I died? Nope, that was him.


Did I lie about any of my relationships with my friends of the opposite sex? Nope, that was him.


Did I lie about anything at all? Nope, that was him.


He lied to me about when his last day would be, about the insurance stuff, about that he would pay his bills, about our lives. I have nothing to hide, nothing to lie about. My life is fairly boring, therefore I have nothing to hide... I am actually quite content with my life. I am stressed and annoyed with the deadbeat, but overall, I can't complain! I may want the fun I used to have, but I don't want that life, that's for sure! I see, in hindsight, that life wasn't really mine. That life was so not my own that I had to keep parts of it from my family... That should have been a sign, but I was a committed wife, so I stood by him and followed him down his path of that life. That is a life I never want. I allowed him to convince me that the life he wanted was best for us, but I know better now. He told me he wanted a life for us that would be fun and carefree. He also wanted a life that had no real appeal to someone of my education level and upbringing, but that mattered not to him... I have learned. I hope he learns a lesson or two from all of this.


The deadbeat was pretty easily convinced that the life he wanted wasn't with me or with our growing family. I looked back over my myspace messages the other day and as late as July he was still signing his messages I love you and talking about our life together. Then, something changed. I don't know what it is. I am fairly certain, though, he was convinced that our life together was not best for him... Can anyone tell me how a mother could convince an expectant father to leave his wife and unborn child? Can anyone tell me how a woman could live with herself after she convinced a man to abandon his child? I am sad that he was convinced not to love Eleanor. I am not sad that he was convinced not to love me, I am probably better for that, but I am sad he was convinced to leave her, after he told me time and again how much he wanted her!



How sad he is that easily manipulated. He looked me in the eye countless times and said I can't wait to make a baby with you... If my dates are off (there are two potential conception dates), he may have said that to me the night we made this precious beautiful girl (as funny or ironic or gross as this is, with his now girlfriend in the next room)... Others heard him talk of his excitement about making a baby... Maybe he meant practice or something, that is fun for sure, but he knew what our birth control situation was (non-existent) and could have used his own if he was uncomfortable with that. But he told me he wanted a baby. I know none of this matters now, but I just can't believe that he is still telling lies and that anyone could think that I am anything but honest!


This blogging thing is therapeutic for me. I am struggling with a divorce and single parenthood. I imagine most people would understand struggling with that. I think my sadness or struggles are a source of joy for the deadbeat and his cronies. As hard as that is for a normal person to imagine, I am afraid that is the vibe I get. Can anyone suggest for me how my predicament could bring joy to anyone? I have been my fair share of ugly to him, that is true, but only after he tried to ruin my life. I threatened to keep him from his daughter (and I admit now I was wrong to do that), but as soon as I learned from my attorney that I couldn't keep him from her, I started making efforts for he and I to be friends. These efforts were met with more ugliness than I had previously seen! He said some of the most hateful things to me in our last conversation (well over a month ago now). I tried to remain strong while we were on the phone and tried to convey that I am stronger than he realizes and can take whatever he has to hand out. I realize that we have to have some contact in the next 18 years, so I better set the standard now that he can't intimidate or shun me into silence... You would think 5 years with me would teach him that I won't be silent--haha! I have really done nothing to deserve what has happened other than have poor judgment in choosing a husband. Even that I wouldn't undo because it is only though him that I will have Eleanor.


Ah Eleanor! She is the greatest source of joy one could ever imagine! I am just so excited for her to get here! Thanks to her, I will never be alone! Ever! Those of you who know me well know all about my disdain of alone. I can't wait to meet her and start teaching her all about life. I want her to be positive and happy and outgoing and so many wonderful things. I know she will be fabulous! So, that is what I have to focus on during all the drama! She will never have to be a part of this drama! It is through this drama that I can gain strength and be an even better mommy for her! It is strange to me to be filled with so much joy and excitement for her while at the same time filled with sadness and anger for the deadbeat while at the same time filled with eagerness, anxiousness, fear, anticipation, and excitement for the mommy I am becoming! Who knew one person could feel all these things at the same time?!?


PS--next blog I need to talk about the whole last name thing... Lord knows I am getting plenty of opinions about it around here... What I need are facts, not opinions, so if you happen to know the rules about this kind of stuff, prepare yourself to share with me!!


Friday, November 30, 2007


Just an update


Well... So I think I have "dealt" with the insurance thing for now...


I called the company that owned Garrett's Wendy's and talked with them. I asked them to mail me a separate COBRA notification form bc of the situation w/Garrett. The lady to whom I spoke seemed very nice and cooperative.


I think after I spoke with her, Garrett talked to her and asked her not to cooperate with me... Luckily, I didn't really need her very much. I got in touch with Blue Cross Blue Shield and they told me to just keep trying to find out when his company would send them the termination notice...


Long story short, I had to go through hours on the phone with the insurance company and $500-that-I-don't-have later, I am back to being insured... Here's the kicker... I spoke to G about this on Nov. 1. He told me he didn't know when his last day would be or if he even had the job. He said he would "take care of" the insurance stuff. I have not heard from his since. I e-mailed him daily asking what his termination date was, he just ignored me.


So, I go to get a prescription refill on Monday (I had 3 days of thyroid medicine left at that point and if I don't take it that is bad news for the baby so I was trying to be prepared). CVS calls me and says the insurance turned me down. That was my real official notice that he had been terminated and that things had gone through BCBS (thankfully a nice person had already given me a head's up that his last official day was Nov. 2, the DAY AFTER I SPOKE TO HIM ABOUT THIS)... This really lit my fire and by Wednesday I had things worked out...


I think he has finally convinced me that he really doesn't want anything to do with his daughter and that just breaks my heart all over again--everyday that I think about it! I try to get mad (sometimes with GREAT success), but that doesn't change how much it hurts that I was just so wrong about him... I try to just focus on what I need to do to shut out those emotions...


In his effort to make it clear to me that he cares nothing about our well being, he failed to pay any of the bills that he committed to pay that are joint debts in my name... In order to protect my credit, I paid them. He, of course, paid his bike payment on time, but that was it. When I combine the new credit card payments with what I am going to have to pay for insurance, I have to start making major plans for how to make money as soon as possible... I think I will run out by March, if I am lucky to last that long.


Oh, and then there's the bike payment that I will soon assume. We have to sell the bike because of all this financial problems--it depreciates far more than what is being paid off on it and we are already WAY upside down on it, so we (I mean I, me, NOT we, I am not a We anymore) have to sell it and cut our losses... I am so afraid it will get ugly when we have to repossess the bike. That will be his final straw to totally hate my guts and I have already seen the more he hates me the more he runs away from Eleanor so I really don't want him to hate me and her to pay the price...


I know, someone will say she is better off without him and blah blah blah. I know that deep down, and I am also confident she won't suffer from any of this, but in my heart of hearts, I believe G had a good daddy in him and even if he can't love me, I thought he would love her. When he would look at me and tell me how much he couldn't wait to have a baby with me, I believed him. I saw in him the potential for being a loving daddy so I am just struggling to let go of those images.


My dad told me, and I believe him, Eleanor doesn't need a dad, she's got a PaPa (what the other grandkids call my dad). I know that is true. I know she will be more loved than I even know possible. I just need to get these feelings off my chest and my counselor cancelled on me this week... Thank God for blogging, huh?!?


So really, when it comes down to it, I am OK. She is OK. We are going to be OK. Everything in life isn't meant to be easy and I am learning that more every day. I have always been so lucky to have never really faced any major loss in my life and this was my first real encounter with "tragedy." And this isn't really tragedy. My family has scooped me up and has helped me transition to taking really good care of myself. I have a job (for now), and we aren't hungry or cold and won't be. I shouldn't complain at all, I am just dealing with a broken heart and some dead-beat dad issues (Eleanor's, NOT mine!).


I know I will have no problem getting child support out of him. I know she will be loved. I know all that. I feel pretty damn selfish being worried about how I feel, but, again, that is what blogging is for sometimes.


Any of you who have survived a divorce want to tell me when it stops hurting? As much as I am filled with anger and detest-ing for him, I still miss having a husband and feeling loved in that way. I want this pain to go away, and go away fast! I don't want to wonder how he is doing. I don't want to be mad anymore that I am here dealing with all the business issues while he is off having a good time with his girlfriend and his new job and his new friends... I don't want to be jealous of that, but sometimes I am. I know I am getting the good new life with Eleanor. I do know that. The immature girl in me just wishes I had more of a social life (and a romantic life)...

Oh and that is a whole nother issue... I have fabulous and supportive friends here who want to spend time with me and want to give me that social life, but it is sometimes just too hard for me... It is too hard to keep up the happy face for an entire evening out... It is too hard to be around these fabulous women whom I am secretly sickly jealous of bc they have what I want--a happy husband... All the time girlfriends say let's hang out and do this or that, but it is still really hard for me. As much as I hate it, it is safer and easier for me to just hang out with my parents where I know if I sneak off for a cry they either won't notice or won't think it is totally nuts... I can't even address the romantic life part yet. I know I need to be patient and give myself time to heal before I even begin to think about romance. Blah Blah Blah... I just want a little fun...
Well and what do you know, but in the middle of my little pity party... Possibly good news comes over the phone lines... I just got a call from a company here looking for a trainer (trainer/teacher, I can wear either hat)... I explained to the very nice woman that I am having a baby in January, but that I am looking for work after I recover... I so hope when I call her in February that they still need someone! I interviewed with this company right before I moved here and the person who interviewed me passed my name to her... In any event, it sounds good to me (plus I am familiar with the benefits this company gives, and insurance wouldn't really be a problem anymore!)... So, think positive for me. I am going to need a job just as soon as I can get back to work.


There, I am glad I get to end on a happy note. Sorry for the long whiney rant. I am fine. Eleanor is better than fine. I will be better than fine eventually. Thanks for listening to me...


Next post I will try to make a little happier!

Monday, November 30, 2007

Request for assistance


Well isn't this embarrassing!


According to Garrett, someone who reads my blogs tells him everything I say... I have nothing to hide so I am hoping I can use this fact to my advantage (or G is, as usual, lying and he won't hear about this)...


Here is what I need. I have no way of getting in touch with Garrett. He changed his cell phone number and I don't have the new one. I just found out he changed jobs so now I don't even have a work number (or name or anything for that matter) for him.


When he changed jobs, that means Eleanor and I are no longer covered by insurance. As you can imagine this is a scary prospect. I need to speak with Garrett to find out what his last official day with Hoover Foods (the company that owns his Wendy's) was. I need to start making arrangements for Eleanor and me to get covered on COBRA. Please hope and pray that it isn't too late and that we haven't lost this opportunity as I have no idea how I will afford all of our medical bills without insurance!!


So, if you see Garrett or speak to him or have any way of contacting him, please ask him, for his daughter's sake, to please let me know what his last official day was with Hoover Foods. He can tell you and you can pass it on to me or whatever. I just need to know that date so I can work with his former human resources person to get the new insurance set up (if that is going to be a possibility).


All positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated! Eleanor and I are doing fine, other than this little snafu with insurance... I see a doctor every week now and they say she is growing just right. We are down to nine weeks and counting!


Thanks in advance if anyone is able to get in touch with him!


Sunday, September 23, 2007


Fool


Well folks. I am officially made the fool, again.....


I have avoided openly admitted that I have been made the fool, but I think it might have a therapeutic effect, so I am going to give it a try.


When G decided to leave me, I suspected cheating. He adamantly said no way. I finally convinced myself to believe that, maybe because it was easier. I believed him when he said I made him miserable and he hated me. That was easier to believe than that he had chosen some dumb piece of trash over me.


So months have gone on and I have lived happier with the knowledge that I was just a bad wife, rather than the knowledge that he chose her over me. So I come home for a week of work and fun, and what do I find out, but that they have been seen around town on MY motorcycle (I say MINE because my name is on the very upside down title and lien). This just finally showed me some proof that he has, in fact, chosen her.


I suspected he bought a new phone, but he denied it and I believed it. I hadn't seen her number on his phone and he deleted her off his myspace so I believed if they had been f-ing, they stopped. Whoah was I wrong!


I am the fool and have been one for quite some time. We have all seen that movie, where the woman befriends the wife and gains the wife's trust and the wife invites the other woman into their lives. So I did that. Foolishly. I thought I could help this poor sad trashy girl who just needed a positive influence in her life. Her life looked sad and hard compared to mine and my husband wanted me to befriend her so I did. Without many questions.


Finally, I saw that I wasn't comfortable with our "threesome" and removed myself from it, assuming my husband would do the same. What do you know but he didn't. At first he just chose to remain friends with her. But in the end he has chosen to end his relationship with me (and my baby--whom he willingly fathered) and pursue a relationship with her.
Some say it is fear about the baby, but if he has chosen her (and her two little girls), it is not the kid thing.


She told me when I ended our friendship that she would make me sorry and embarrass me publicly. Well, she did. I am embarrassed that I was ever friends with her. I am embarrassed that I was ever stupid enough to let her into my life or even my house. I am embarrassed that I married a piece of shit who would leave me when I am pregnant to pursue that piece of trash who offers him the motorcycle mama life he wants--complete with dirty sexual habits and threesomes (literal sexual ones, not the figurative ones I was talking about meaning she, he and I were all three friends--she will invite other women to bed with them). I know she will be the inferior female who worships him and cooks him dinner and makes him feel smart and important.


I loved him and respected him, but I could never make him feel smart or important unless he felt that way on his own. I worked hard to lower myself to the life he wanted. I stopped discussing things like national matters in my own home because he didn't understand the things I talked about. I immersed myself in his life of bikes and babes and Wendys and UFC and wrestling and trash. I was willing to be his white trash mama, but I just couldn't get white trash enough for him, I guess.


And it sucks that that hurts so bad. Still. I say still like it has been so long. It has been 2 months since I left physically. I think their love has been going on for far longer than that, but my awareness has only been partial until now. I was so optimistic--about my friendship with her and about his honesty. I looked for the best and really preferred to believe that it was that I made him miserable and that I was a horrible wife who will probably make her next husband miserable. I preferred to believe that over the possibility that he just wanted that more than our family.


I am torn between anger and hurt. All those offers people have made to kick his ass now don't sound so crazy. But, I know I am the winner in all this, it is just hard to see that right now. I have to work hard to interact with him only about matters of business. I must shut my heart down when it comes to him. I know that will be hard, but it will help.


He owes me a look in the eye and a confession, but he is a failure as a human being and will never give me that. I accept that. I am sad that he will never--NEVER EVER--have the opportunity to know his beautiful daughter. And I am more sad that he is more bothered that I am going to take his bike away than he is that I am going to take his daughter away. Like I said, failure as a human being.


For those of you who stumble upon this and hadn't put the pieces together as to my move back to Texas and what not... That's the deal. My husband got me pregnant (we discussed this baby and planned for her, she wasn't an accident), continued a relationship with a piece of trash whore whom I had invited into our lives, and left me on my ass. I am slowly recovering. Slowly.
Positive thoughts and prayers for me and Eleanor are always welcome and appreciated. Voo-doo dolls of him are also welcome--haha (just kidding--sort of)...

I love school!

Well, I have been at work for the last two days, and WOW has that ever improved my spirits!

Yesterday I started with a training session on the course management system at my new campus. That was fairly boring, but it at least exposed me to what I will be using when I get a log in and password. Then, I sat in on the campus newspaper staff meeting and that was FABULOUS! I contributed in a few places and started making my presence known. I think it was appreciated... Then, I worked for about an hour on my syllabus and what not. Then, I went to a book rep's meeting to learn about the online resources associated with the book my students will be using. Then, I had dinner and talked with other faculty, and then we had a department meeting.

At the departmental meeting we learned about resources available at the library and through campus media. We also learned that we have to give a final exam (OK, I can do that). We also learned that we have to take attendance (I learned that anyways, the others already knew)... I am not wild about that, but I will do it. I think taking attendance in a college setting is odd. These are supposedly adults and they can make the decision to attend class or not and reap the rewards or suffer the consequences. It is pretty simple. In my class, you come to class, you can do quite well. If you don't come to class, you can't do all that well. Straight forward, huh? Oh well. So then we called it a day.

Then, I convinced my dad to go celebrate my great day with a drink (for him, not me). We went to a local place and had tons of fun. I competed in a karaoke contest and took second place. That was cool. My mom came up (she had been at a business dinner) and brought her intoxicated co-worker, so that was entertaining too. It was just nice and felt normal to go have a drink after a good day at work (even if it was a virgin mary).

So today I started with a new doctor's appointment... That went fine except I broke down in tears while telling the doctor my life story (as I have named the drama that has been my life lately). I hate crying in front of people... And he asked me if my O.B. was prescribing me anything to keep my spirits up... I assumed that during pregnancy, drugs would be a no-no... If not, I could be open to medicating some of this pain away. Is that wrong?

After the appointment, I went to work and loved it AGAIN! I edited student newspaper stories and did a good job, if I do say so myself. My supervisor took one of the edited storied I had done and showed it to her co-worker and said, "She's one of us..." That was approval right there. I also developed my semester schedule, which was a relief. Finally, I attended new adjunct faculty orientation. That was informative and interesting.

The best part of the meeting was at the end when I connected with another new adjunct who will be teaching speech. I told her my life story, too, and she really empathized. She was very compassionate and even gave me her name and phone number to call for advice. She offered some helpful advice and even promised prayers for me. It was just very nice. It was like meeting one of you guys in real person! It was great!

So now I am home and needing to either get busy or go to bed... I found out at least one of my three classes made and it looks like of the other two, at least one is going to make... So that is good. I am so going to be broke soon, but oh well. I am going to a women of faith conference tomorrow and Saturday with my girl scout troop leader and my two best friends since kindergarten. I am very excited and nervous. Excited because it will be great for my spirits to spend time with these women. Nervous because I am worried what all the faith soul searching will do to my raw emotions... I hope I can handle it. So, before I have to be at their house by 7 a.m. (in nine hours), I need to sleep, pack for two days, take a shower, iron some shirts, and get ready to go... Not to mention get my syllabus ready for next week!

But, blogging did make me feel better earlier in the week, and I anticipate that I won't be able to this weekend, so I wanted to get this in. I hope I can keep my spirits up like they are. I am afraid they won't, and I worry this isn't "real..." Like I don't really feel better and I will get back to feeling so crappy. I hope not, but I have a feeling I will. Think positive for me! I am still seeing the counselor soon. Oh, and I think Eleanor has moved up into the top half of my stomach instead of just being in the lower part... I am probably wrong, but the top half of my belly has gone from being lumpy and fatty to being pretty solid (bulging in both scenarios)... Is it possible she's moving around like that? OK, I better pack or something soon!

ttfn

Nice

I got a much-needed kick in the butt back to the blogsphere thanks to my great friend Lara. She has awarded me a Nice Matters Award.

"This award is for those bloggers who are nice people and good blog friends -
those who bring good feelings and inspiration. Also for those who are a positive
influence on our blogging world. Once you’ve been awarded, please pass it on to 7 others who you feel are deserving of this award."

I will pass this lovely award onto:

• Nikki (who may appear not nice with the occasional f-bomb, but she rocks my socks off and is a sweet heart to this sad little girl).


• Major BedHead (my new friend who sends me great support and advice! And she uses words like Mum and I love that!)


• JillB (another rock star in my world!)


• Mommy Off The Record (she has been supporting me and sharing pregnancy stuff and I sure appreciate it!!)


• Stupid American (she has been loving me since long before the blogsphere and she just rocks socks)


• Betsy (she even gave me the secret password!)


• Ewe Are Here (she always has a kind word to share!)

I want to post the cool picture but I don't know how, so if anyone knows how and wants to tell me, drop me a line!!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So, onto the not so nice. As you know, it was been a WHILE since I have been here. It has even been a while since I have read others' blogs...

Some part of it is that living at mom and dad's has meant that my computer lives upstairs and I live down.

Part of it has been that my sleep schedule has been so fragile that when I get upstairs I worry if I don't try to go to sleep right away I will lose the chance (like I did tonight).

The biggest part of it is that I am so overwhelmed with hurt and pain that I haven't known what to write... I hate to be all "Debbie Downer..." I hate to write whiney crap even though I know yall love me and will support me. I think I am afraid to write too much because I might discover some new painful feeling that hasn't cropped up yet.

But, I know I NEED to. My mom and sister (I think through my sister's prodding because my sister is actually privvy to this address while mom isn't) have reminded me that blogging is therapuetic and will help me feel better. I think I have reached this weird place where I don't really know how to feel better and that's scary...

I went to Oklahoma three weeks ago and had a fabulous time (except for Gma going in the hospital--she is fine now). When I got back I headed to D.C. for a big conference and LOTS of job interviews. That was GREAT! I had five really great interviews with R1s who have jobs I would love to have. I talked with great folks. I got to talk with people from my school and people at other schools. I got to say goodbye to people from my school and that was nice. I got to meet friends at new schools and that was nice. I was on and happy for most of the time I was out of time. I did really well. I think exuding that kind of happiness and cheerfulness kind of wiped me out of happy for a while, because ever since I have been home, I have been DOWN...

Last week I tried to work hard and get my honey-do's done... I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday for a sonogram/Level II Ultrasound... It was very exciting! We (me and mom--see, i have to clarify that and that makes me mad. I don't get to say we as in my husband/the baby's father and I--no, I have to clarify that my mother goes to these appointments with me) got to see the baby's bones--thigh and arm, her nose, mouth, eyes, ears, and spine... That's right, I said HER... We got to see her lack of outdoor plumbing!! As my sister said, we have a Jane, not a John! I was so relieved! I was so scared and confident this was a boy and that I was going to be even more clueless than I am already going to be... But, as the doctor said, today we're going to say she's a girl... He looked between her legs and said, "Well, if some thing's there, it is hidden really well!" So, I go back in a few weeks and he will take another look. This sono was at 16 weeks, so it is still early, but right now, she's a girl!

G knew that I was going to that appointment and that it was about more than just gender determination. This was an appointment for the docs to say that she looks healthy and that my diabetes hasn't screwed her up. He claimed to want to know what is going on with her, and I told him he would have to call me to ask because he needed to show a little initiative. I waited all day to share our news with him and for him to demonstrate in some small way that he gives a damn.

And what do you know, but he didn't call. And what do you know, but it devastated me. It sent me into a funk from which I have not returned. I texted him on Thursday about a financial matter and he asked how the appointment went. Via text message. All casual like. I told him fine and left it at that. He eventually got around to texting me, "So is it a girl like you wanted?" How dick can he be?? He just oozed rudeness and ass-hole in every word he utters and it breaks my heart with each letter. I don't really ever get to talk to him, but he texts occasionally and his texts hurt just as much as phone calls. Is IT the appropriate pronoun for our sweet baby? No! And is it a competition for the desired gender? No! I am happy as long as this baby is healthy. He seems indifferent about this child and that hurts me so badly. She deserves a daddy and he has robbed her of that. Even if he is "involved," that will mean two weeks a year in another state?? That sucks. I guess personifying her with a gender has brought back some of my issues with him...

And I know I can't expect anything from him and I try not to, but it just hurt so badly when he showed his lack of interest. He is a better man than that. I know it. Where did my G go? Where is the man I married? I miss him so much I ache! I just want him to call me and say, Hey, I am sorry this is all so shitty. Even if we can't be together, I love you. Why can't he call and tell me he loves me? Why doesn't he love me? Why doesn't he love us? Why has he gone away? I just don't understand. At all. I just miss him (the real him, not this new ass hole) so much.

Like I said, for a few weeks, I was doing good. That has all gone away. Wednesday and Thursday collided into Friday where I just cried pretty much all day. It was the only thing I could accomplish on Friday. I even cried when my mom had friends over. I went to a concert of my favorite band with two of my favorite people on Friday night and what do you know, I cried there too (of course this band was OUR favorite too, so some tears were expected). I just want to cry all the time. I just want to sleep and cry and that is about it. I am angry about that too. I am generally a happy person, and I miss being REALLY happy. I can fake it like a champ, but I haven't been genuinely happy in a long time and that sucks.

I want to be excited that I have a baby girl on the way. But I was too busy being sad that my baby girl doesn't get a daddy. I think some part of my sadness for that is that I don't get to be a mommy with a daddy. I know that is selfish.

My family thinks I am depressed, and I think I agree. So I have made an appointment with a counselor, but I am not excited about going. I just don't know how that will help really. Writing this hasn't really helped, it just gave me something to cry about... It may have some long-term effect in helping, but today, nothing really helps. I am very afraid of this hopeless feeling. I have 23 weeks to get it together and be OK for my baby girl. I don't know if that is long enough. That is scary. Not only have I always been scared out of my mind about the whole Mommy gig, now I have to be scared to be single mommy and depressed mommy... And this is all before PPD... Yikes! I am just struggling a lot.

And, I feel terrible for putting my family through this. My mom finds me crying daily and just seems crushed. She doesn't really get it that I am not choosing to do this. I feel bad that it hurts her to see me so down. I want to be up, I just don't know how to get there. My sister and dad have even talked about this on the phone--mind you my dad is not a phone talker... I hate it that they are all worried about this. They all feel totally helpless, and they are. I need their love and support totally, but the love that I really want isn't coming and that is the only thing I can imagine making me better. I feel bad because it is like I am saying to them that their love isn't good enough. I know they know that isn't true, but I just don't want to hurt them any more... My mom and dad said the other night how happy they are that I am home. I said me too and my dad said, no you're not, but that's ok. And that's the truth. I still just want to go home. To my home. To my husband and my dog. And I can't. And that hurts.

So, I am sorry this blog is all over the place. I am really hoping I can try to write more because I do think it will help in the long term. Bear with me and sunny days will return... Go read back in my archives when I was in my care-bear world of happiness and bliss. I was smug with my little world of love and fun. I miss those days. I want them back so badly! I know my baby girl will bring bliss and I WILL bring bliss to her. She deserves a happy healthy mommy and I am going to become that. She is worth it. I know I can do it for her... I just need to remember that! Thanks for listening again!

ttfn

PS-I drafted 5th in my fantasy football league and it is time for me to live up to my name--ffbgirl--so hopefully some football stuff is coming. I start work Wednesday with meetings and stuff and I want to write about that too. I want to write more about my conference and the job hunt too.

Big shock, I have been MIA

I know I keep apologizing for this and I know that at some point what few of you are left will flee for lack of interesting material here at this fair blog, but I at least wanted to check in and give you a quick update...

I have been in Oklahoma with family this past week/weekend... My grandma mysteriously got sick and wound up in the hospital. Me being the pregnant and gross-out fearing person that I am, I didn't actually see her in the hospital, but I at least spent an afternoon in the waiting room... She is still in the hospital but doing better. Prayers and positive thoughts for her are appreciated.

Also while in Oklahoma, my aunt informed my uncle that she is done with their marriage. Hmmm, let me give you a short short version as I want to post on this at length very soon. My aunt and I are very alike. She married a somewhat blue-collar kind of guy who loves her a lot, but who is probably beneath her (similar to me marrying a blue-collar kind of guy whom I thought loved me a lot and is probably beneath me)... I saw their marriage as a hope that G and I would always be OK (before he up and left me)... She has been considering this divorce for a year or so and it has been hard for me to be on her side. I know that is horrible and I should support her and love her no matter what. I do love her, I just hate it that she is quitting on her marriage (of like 25 years). It is not my business and I am judging and thrusting my experiences on a situation that is probably not all that similar, so it makes me feel guilty. But, none the less, that made the weekend less than enjoyable.

I am headed to a BIG conference this week and have TONS to do to get ready. I have TWO (that's right, TWO) interviews set up for this conference with big research one schools. One of the programs just e-mailed me this weekend and I am PUMPED! This school is one of the few with a specialty in my area and other researchers from my research group have gotten jobs there. I interviewed there for their Ph.D. program and didn't get in. The gentleman who e-mailed me about interviewing at the conference is one with whom I had dinner while on my Ph.D. interview and I really enjoyed him. I hope I impressed him back three or four years ago and I hope I can impress him again.

This whole divorce thing is still kicking my ass. I want to boo hoo daily. I try to limit the actual boo-hooing to once a week or so and just have a good cry daily, but it gets hard. It is especially hard after a weekend around a lot of people. I know it will be a challenge at this conference as I cannot mention the pregnancy and WILL NOT mention the divorce... It is just hard to be all smiley and happy all the time when I feel like crap.

I miss G so much it hurts. I ache inside. I just want to go home, and I can't. That is the worse feeling in the world. I know this is home now, but it still doesn't feel like it. I miss my husband and my dog. I miss hugs and kisses in a romantic way. I miss going to sleep with a big guy snoring on the other side of me. I miss waking up annoyed that his alarm is going off and he doesn't even hear it.

I know our marriage was obviously not good, but I sure loved it and it hurts so bad that I don't get to experience it anymore. I just don't know how to cope with how sad this makes me. I try to be positive and just look for the good. I try to be rational and reasonable and accept that I am going to hurt. But how long?? When will I not want to just crawl back into bed every day because facing another day is just a crummy thought? When will this not be so hard?

Oh wait, it is only going to get harder because I have a baby on the way and I will be going through that alone. That scares the crap out of me. I knew I could be a good mom as long as I had G's support and that together we could do this. I know logically that I can do it alone, but it is so much more scary than anything I have ever thought of before. What if I am as bad at it as I think I can be?? What if I can't do this?

And I am still pissed that I have to answer all the questions about being the pregnant one whose husband left... At the lake this weekend I had to tell two different people (basically strangers) at least something about my husband and I just had no clue how to do that. I need to come up with some stock answer, but I am not very good at short and sweet, as you guys know... And I go to a new doctor this week and I am sure I will have to address the father issue there too. I don't want people thinking that I am OK with doing this alone. I am well aware that a two-parent home is preferable. This was not my choice. How do I convey that without giving my life story? And I know I shouldn't care what people think, but I do.

So, this is basically why I have not been writing. I am too afraid it will turn into this--a long whiny gripe fest that no one wants to read. I apologize. If you even made it this far, I thank you for listening to my pain. If you have any advice on dealing, please share it. I am struggling. I am struggling far worse than I really want to let on. I don't think my parents realize that I have not moved forward in any real way emotionally. It is still as painful as it was a month ago. I have gone through the motions and gotten a job and I am looking forward and appearing to be strong on the outside, but inside I am a big glop of mush. And it is painful mush and I don't like it. Sorry again this was such a downer. I hope getting it out of my head will make me feel better, at least. I will try to make tomorrow's post a happier one (Lara tagged me for a meme, so I will do that tomorrow). OK, one last request for hugs and positive thoughts and prayers (last for this post, there will be many more requests like that in my future).

ttfn

Second Trimester Afternoon Sickness?!?

I made it through the first trimester with no major feelings of yuckiness! Thank God!

I am a wuss and could not have handled daily puking or anything like that! I said God must have known that and spared me.

I have been in my second trimester for a few days now, and I think maybe God forgot or something... Tuesday night we went out for Mexican food and on Wednesday I felt yucky all day long. I attributed it to the Mexican food. So, today, mid-afternoon, I got all yucky feeling again!

And it seemed typical "morning sickness" kind of yucky in that I just felt yucky and certain smells (specifically the marinating turkey breast my mom put in the oven) about sent me to the can... I am so going to be upset if this becomes a daily thing. I know it is a little early to panic and it is only two days of yucky and I shouldn't complain, but I am getting nervous.

Is increased anxiety a common symptom in the second trimester?? The other day I was worried about weight gain (specifically in my butt), and today I am freaking out about afternoon sickness...

Paranoid much?

I think so!

So, don't worry about me, I am just stressing about every little thing. My mom and I almost headed to the ER yesterday because of weird cramps in my tummy (I called the new doc, but because they haven't seen me they can't give me medical advice)... I think I might be focusing my life stress onto stressing about baby stuff... I don't know...

I think I will have to post a belly pic in the near future, but cross your fingers that it can wait until after my upcoming conference. There is a HUGE job fair at this conference and I am NOT telling potential employers that I am preggo (so let's hope they can't notice!).

Sorry for the randomness, I am just trying to get back into the habit of daily (or almost daily) postings.

P.S. Major Kudos to my dad for helping me set up Quicken for all my bills and stuff! He Rocks my Socks!!

ttfn

Good News

I GOT THE JOB!!!

I am very pleased to announce that I will be teaching introduction to mass communication at my local community college starting in the Fall semester!

The interview could not have gone better! I already have started bonding with my supervisor and she is just fabulous!

I am very excited! I really needed some good news and this surely is! I will give more details tomorrow!

ttfn

Pregnancy Phenomenon

Part of moving meant I took a look at what fits and what doesn't. Before I moved I gave away five trash bags of skinny clothes. I finally broke down and gave away those size 10 clothes that I moved from Oklahoma to Florida that never fit while I lived in Florida. I also gave away most of my size 12 clothes, seeing as those haven't fit in well over a year. I did keep a few size 12 items that have fit in the last year, but those size 12s fit only after a span on addipex (a wonder drug, btw).

So when I got home and started going through my clothes, I discovered the first casualty of my pregnancy... Wait, wait, wait. Let me give a little back story here...

While on the road, I was noticing that my underwear were not fitting quite the way I like them to. I just thought maybe this had something to do with extended periods of time in the car and my behind just being tired of taking the brunt of the trip...

So, back home and going through my clothes... I have a whole duffel bag of blue jeans to be put away. I decide I better try on my jeans to see what fits and what doesn't. All the jeans in the bag are size 14. These jeans all fit somewhat recently. So I start trying them on, and one by one, I realize that NONE of them fit. And it isn't that my belly is getting in the way. My belly hasn't really grown much yet.

No no! It is not the belly.

It is my butt.

My butt has grown. I have lost weight during my first trimester, but my but has gotten bigger.

OK all you moms out there, is this normal?? WTF??? My butt? Bigger?!? This is just not going to work for me!

So all day today I have had anxiety about getting bigger. I have three pairs of non-maternity jeans that still fit. I have one pair of capri pants that still fit. My t-shirts still fit. That's about it. God please let something in my work wardrobe still fit for my interview tomorrow so I can go in and not look pregnant.

OK, so any have any pregnancy-butt-getting-bigger stories to share?? Please share them. I am freaking out a little that I am becoming an uncute pregnant lady and dear God all I want is to be a cute pregnant lady! Please, just let my belly get round and the rest of me conform to my new shape. I am OK with never being thin, but I just don't want to get fat and gross. (Don't get me started right now on my prospects of never having sex again seeing as my husband has left me and men do not want sex with random pregnant women... not that I want random sex, but that isn't the point here.)

************************************

On an unrelated note, I just got back from CVS where I fell down while my mom and I were leaving. Wow that sucked! They had been cleaning the floors and didn't post a sign and I was in flip flops and down I went. My mom freaked out and yelled at me about wearing flip flops and worried about me and this made me feel bad and made me cry. Then she freaked about the crying. It was not fun. I feel fairly OK... My wrist is a little sore and I will have a little boo-boo on my knee, but otherwise it wasn't that bad. I am a little worried about what falling means as a pregnant person... Should I be worried? Just wanted to share that tid bit...

ttfn