A new day

Well, this week has certainly been better than last week, but I am afraid I know why, and it's just not healthy.

So at the end of last week, the guy I have been seeing off and on for the last six months sent me what I understood to be a break up email. I was totally hurt and bummed by what he had to say. But I wasn't totally bummed at the prospect of losing my relationship with him, rather I was hurt and sad and scared at the prospect of not having a relationship. In my head I think, "If this guy doesn't want to love me, then who on earth will?" He and I are not a perfect match, but I so want to be in a relationship that I was willing to overlook the imperfections of our match. And I wasn't really at all sad about losing him--it was losing the relationship--any relationship.

During the week before last, I had been balancing the attention of off-and-on guy with beaker from work and loving it. I loved the idea of juggling a couple of guys. Mind you, I was not in a sexual relationship with these men so I don't feel bad enjoying the attention of both of them. But by the end of last week, I had lost the attention of both of them and I was floored by it. Anytime a prospective or current love interest leaves my life I go right back to feeling like a worthless sad little girl who just knows no one will ever love her.

I logically know this isn't true. My therapist gets onto me about saying things like that. I do logically know it, but it just doesn't feel true. Another lesson I have learned in therapy, I don't feel my feelings all that often. I can be very analytical and think about a lot of things, but I don't allow myself to feel very much. I CANNOT pass this on to my daughter. I have to learn how to feel--even the bad emotions. E cannot go through life the way I am. But, I digress...

So why has this week already been so much better? Well I haven't had to think about or feel those feelings of worthlessness and sadness as much. I have been busy. I spent last night at mom and dad's and then talked on the phone to a male friend (who happens to have romantic interest in me, but I am not interested in him) until I went to sleep. I didn't make time to think about whether I am lovable. Then today at work, Beaker asked me to bring him lunch, and even though he is generally a jerk to me, I still did it. It got me positive attention from him. Not a lot of positive attention, but a little, and that is enough for me. Off-and-On-guy once told me seeking a relationship is like my drug of choice. I think I agree. I will take a little positive attention from a jerk rather than have no positive attention from a man with whom I could potentially be romantic. And then my boss introduced me to the cute artist guy who works on our floor who is supposedly interested in me. This just sent me into happy mode... But I don't really see that going anywhere. The guy really strikes me as too effeminate. Maybe it's because he's an artist or maybe it's because I thought he was gay until I was told otherwise, but either way, he's just not the burly manly man type I usually go for... Maybe I don't need to go for the same type I have gone for, I don't really know... But pair all that with the text from off-and-on-guy telling me things weren't over, and I have all the drug I need. Today anyways.

But I realize these cannot be the things that keep me feeling worthwhile. I have to find new ways to know that I am worthwhile. I have to alter my core beliefs about who I am. How do I do that? How do I stop listening to the ugly voices in my head that tell me no one will ever love me? The attention of a man drowns those voices out, but that's not good enough. Here is yet another example of behaviors I CANNOT pass on to my daughter. I have to whip this and I have to do it soon. She is already learning about self esteem and forming her core beliefs right now. I have to lead by example. If anyone reads this and anyone has any books to suggest or exercises to practice to alter my core beliefs, please pass them along to me.