Well, this week has certainly been better than last week, but I am afraid I know why, and it's just not healthy.
So at the end of last week, the guy I have been seeing off and on for the last six months sent me what I understood to be a break up email. I was totally hurt and bummed by what he had to say. But I wasn't totally bummed at the prospect of losing my relationship with him, rather I was hurt and sad and scared at the prospect of not having a relationship. In my head I think, "If this guy doesn't want to love me, then who on earth will?" He and I are not a perfect match, but I so want to be in a relationship that I was willing to overlook the imperfections of our match. And I wasn't really at all sad about losing him--it was losing the relationship--any relationship.
During the week before last, I had been balancing the attention of off-and-on guy with beaker from work and loving it. I loved the idea of juggling a couple of guys. Mind you, I was not in a sexual relationship with these men so I don't feel bad enjoying the attention of both of them. But by the end of last week, I had lost the attention of both of them and I was floored by it. Anytime a prospective or current love interest leaves my life I go right back to feeling like a worthless sad little girl who just knows no one will ever love her.
I logically know this isn't true. My therapist gets onto me about saying things like that. I do logically know it, but it just doesn't feel true. Another lesson I have learned in therapy, I don't feel my feelings all that often. I can be very analytical and think about a lot of things, but I don't allow myself to feel very much. I CANNOT pass this on to my daughter. I have to learn how to feel--even the bad emotions. E cannot go through life the way I am. But, I digress...
So why has this week already been so much better? Well I haven't had to think about or feel those feelings of worthlessness and sadness as much. I have been busy. I spent last night at mom and dad's and then talked on the phone to a male friend (who happens to have romantic interest in me, but I am not interested in him) until I went to sleep. I didn't make time to think about whether I am lovable. Then today at work, Beaker asked me to bring him lunch, and even though he is generally a jerk to me, I still did it. It got me positive attention from him. Not a lot of positive attention, but a little, and that is enough for me. Off-and-On-guy once told me seeking a relationship is like my drug of choice. I think I agree. I will take a little positive attention from a jerk rather than have no positive attention from a man with whom I could potentially be romantic. And then my boss introduced me to the cute artist guy who works on our floor who is supposedly interested in me. This just sent me into happy mode... But I don't really see that going anywhere. The guy really strikes me as too effeminate. Maybe it's because he's an artist or maybe it's because I thought he was gay until I was told otherwise, but either way, he's just not the burly manly man type I usually go for... Maybe I don't need to go for the same type I have gone for, I don't really know... But pair all that with the text from off-and-on-guy telling me things weren't over, and I have all the drug I need. Today anyways.
But I realize these cannot be the things that keep me feeling worthwhile. I have to find new ways to know that I am worthwhile. I have to alter my core beliefs about who I am. How do I do that? How do I stop listening to the ugly voices in my head that tell me no one will ever love me? The attention of a man drowns those voices out, but that's not good enough. Here is yet another example of behaviors I CANNOT pass on to my daughter. I have to whip this and I have to do it soon. She is already learning about self esteem and forming her core beliefs right now. I have to lead by example. If anyone reads this and anyone has any books to suggest or exercises to practice to alter my core beliefs, please pass them along to me.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
Baby E
I thought this would be MUCH brighter than yesterday's post. Here is what I get to smile about every single day! Thank God for her. I hope she brightens your day, too!
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Or once every six months, but who's counting
Really, who's counting anyways... Seeing as I haven't written in six months, not only do I think no one is counting, but no one is likely reading...
So in the last six months I have started seeing a therapist and he wants me journaling. I did it for a few weeks on paper, but I remember how much I enjoy blogging and typing is way easier than writing by hand, so I am going to do it here. Today. I make no promises about beyond today.
I think that could be a grander statement about the way I feel about life lately. Wow is it kicking the shit out of me these days. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE motherhood and I LOVE Eleanor even more than I love being her mom, but I am just deep in the dumps and can't seem to crawl my way out... Hence the seeing a therapist. He is really great and I like him, but I have been seeing him for six weeks or so and while I have had some better weeks than the last one, I still am having ones like last week and that just makes me get impatient...
So I have to learn to shed my inner "wounded girl." That scares the crap out of me. That makes me feel like I will soon have even less of a clue about the person that I really am. Well I know who I really am, I am that wounded girl. I am the girl who believes to the core of my being that no one will ever love me. I understand that my family loves me more than a person could ever ask for, but they have to love me and that is a different kind of love than the kind of love I may never have. I don't really understand why I so whole-heartedly believe that I will never really be loved, but I do really feel that way. I had a husband who was far beneath me and should have thanked his lucky stars to have me. I gave of my whole self to him. I changed everything that I am to suit him because I am so madly desperate for someone to love me. I gave him anything and everything and that still wasn't good enough. And he wasn't even a good one, so how can I ever expect a real good one to love me?
So I have tested the waters in the post marriage world and I haven't found the warm inviting waters yet. I have dated off and on for the last six months a man who couldn't accept that I am a mother. I know, I know. I should have never started with a man who couldn't accept me as a mother because above all else, now, that is who I am. But he said eventually he would. I, again, am so desperate for the love of a man that I was willing to overlook this. So for six months I have pretended to be something I am not--in more ways than just the mom stuff. We have had some good times, but he has made it clear on multiple occasions that I am not his "ideal" woman, yet I stuck around to keep taking his shit. Why?? Well because occasionally, when it was convenient for him, he paid attention to me and was affectionate toward me. I don't ask for much and I still can't even get what little I ask for from a good guy. Ugh...
As anyone who might be reading this can tell, I am just not in a good place right now. At all. And I am so damn tired of pretending that everything is OK. I keep a smile on my face all day at work (I do actually LOVE my job) and try very hard never to let on that inside I just ache and hurt all the time, but it gets harder with every passing day. I have cried at work at least three times in the last week and that just isn't good. This economy is too bad to risk being seen as unprofessional or anything like that, but there were just a few times I couldn't keep it in. Luckily, one of my closest work friends is the only person who even knew about only one time, but still, just not a good thing to be going on. So I work my butt off all day to make sure everyone thinks I am happy and cheery and doing fine. That is exhausting. And I spend time with my family and try hard to at least not let them realize just how badly I am doing. They know I am not terribly happy, but I don't think they really know just how badly I feel every single day. They don't want to know, I am afraid. They don't know what to do to help me (I don't know what to do to help me) and so they see as much as they can handle seeing. My sister is getting clued in slowly, but she has enough going on that I hate to make her worry. And there really is nothing she can do. That is part of why I am so sad and afraid these days is that I can't figure out what I can do or what anyone can do. It is very scary.
I am seeing a therapist. I am doing what he has been telling me to do. I still feel terrible. What do I do now? I want so badly to not feel this way and I am clueless how to make that happen. I try to pray about it. I try to do things to keep my mind off of it. I try to think through these feelings (my therapist would point out that I need to feel these emotions). I try not to think about these emotions. I just don't know what to do.
I am very tempted to not even post this entry, but I am going to. On the off chance anyone reads this and anyone who does read it has some advice, I will post this. And I apologize I am a dropped off the face of the planet blogger who just shows back up to bitch and whine and beg for advice. I am embarrassed I couldn't stay committed to this community who I really felt privileged to be a part of, but life happened and I screwed up something else, but I need an outlet so this will be it.
I hope I can write again very soon. I hope this can fill part of the void I am feeling.
ttfn
So in the last six months I have started seeing a therapist and he wants me journaling. I did it for a few weeks on paper, but I remember how much I enjoy blogging and typing is way easier than writing by hand, so I am going to do it here. Today. I make no promises about beyond today.
I think that could be a grander statement about the way I feel about life lately. Wow is it kicking the shit out of me these days. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE motherhood and I LOVE Eleanor even more than I love being her mom, but I am just deep in the dumps and can't seem to crawl my way out... Hence the seeing a therapist. He is really great and I like him, but I have been seeing him for six weeks or so and while I have had some better weeks than the last one, I still am having ones like last week and that just makes me get impatient...
So I have to learn to shed my inner "wounded girl." That scares the crap out of me. That makes me feel like I will soon have even less of a clue about the person that I really am. Well I know who I really am, I am that wounded girl. I am the girl who believes to the core of my being that no one will ever love me. I understand that my family loves me more than a person could ever ask for, but they have to love me and that is a different kind of love than the kind of love I may never have. I don't really understand why I so whole-heartedly believe that I will never really be loved, but I do really feel that way. I had a husband who was far beneath me and should have thanked his lucky stars to have me. I gave of my whole self to him. I changed everything that I am to suit him because I am so madly desperate for someone to love me. I gave him anything and everything and that still wasn't good enough. And he wasn't even a good one, so how can I ever expect a real good one to love me?
So I have tested the waters in the post marriage world and I haven't found the warm inviting waters yet. I have dated off and on for the last six months a man who couldn't accept that I am a mother. I know, I know. I should have never started with a man who couldn't accept me as a mother because above all else, now, that is who I am. But he said eventually he would. I, again, am so desperate for the love of a man that I was willing to overlook this. So for six months I have pretended to be something I am not--in more ways than just the mom stuff. We have had some good times, but he has made it clear on multiple occasions that I am not his "ideal" woman, yet I stuck around to keep taking his shit. Why?? Well because occasionally, when it was convenient for him, he paid attention to me and was affectionate toward me. I don't ask for much and I still can't even get what little I ask for from a good guy. Ugh...
As anyone who might be reading this can tell, I am just not in a good place right now. At all. And I am so damn tired of pretending that everything is OK. I keep a smile on my face all day at work (I do actually LOVE my job) and try very hard never to let on that inside I just ache and hurt all the time, but it gets harder with every passing day. I have cried at work at least three times in the last week and that just isn't good. This economy is too bad to risk being seen as unprofessional or anything like that, but there were just a few times I couldn't keep it in. Luckily, one of my closest work friends is the only person who even knew about only one time, but still, just not a good thing to be going on. So I work my butt off all day to make sure everyone thinks I am happy and cheery and doing fine. That is exhausting. And I spend time with my family and try hard to at least not let them realize just how badly I am doing. They know I am not terribly happy, but I don't think they really know just how badly I feel every single day. They don't want to know, I am afraid. They don't know what to do to help me (I don't know what to do to help me) and so they see as much as they can handle seeing. My sister is getting clued in slowly, but she has enough going on that I hate to make her worry. And there really is nothing she can do. That is part of why I am so sad and afraid these days is that I can't figure out what I can do or what anyone can do. It is very scary.
I am seeing a therapist. I am doing what he has been telling me to do. I still feel terrible. What do I do now? I want so badly to not feel this way and I am clueless how to make that happen. I try to pray about it. I try to do things to keep my mind off of it. I try to think through these feelings (my therapist would point out that I need to feel these emotions). I try not to think about these emotions. I just don't know what to do.
I am very tempted to not even post this entry, but I am going to. On the off chance anyone reads this and anyone who does read it has some advice, I will post this. And I apologize I am a dropped off the face of the planet blogger who just shows back up to bitch and whine and beg for advice. I am embarrassed I couldn't stay committed to this community who I really felt privileged to be a part of, but life happened and I screwed up something else, but I need an outlet so this will be it.
I hope I can write again very soon. I hope this can fill part of the void I am feeling.
ttfn
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
once a week
So it looks like once a week might have to be my posting schedule for now... We will see.
I start my very first full-time job on Monday. I am scared beyond belief! I have never had a real nine-to-fiver before, and I have never been really great at having a boss. I know I can do it, I know I have to do it for Eleanor, but I am still freaking out a little.
Getting this job is such a huge weight off my shoulders! Now Eleanor's daddy can continue to be a deadbeat and it won't affect her (financially anyways). I won't have to mooch off my parents for too much longer, and I will be able to support her completely. That is just a relief.
I am excited and nervous about the prospect of moving out of mom and dad's house... I have only lived alone for about six months of my life, and even then I wasn't home all that often. The soon-to-be-ex-husband and I were dating and I spent most nights with him. Now I will be living alone and taking care of E alone. I know I better hurry and get used to that idea because she and I are going to be living alone together for a long time. I hope it isn't as scary as I think. Any single mommies out there have any advice about living alone with your kiddos?
Speaking of single parenthood, I met the antithesis of my husband yesterday in line at the DMV. Now, I realize we spoke for all of 30 minutes and how can I really evaluate him as a person based on such a short conversation, so this is just a first blush impression. But he was a single dad to a 13-year-old and he was just nice and personable and obviously dedicated to his son. He lives in my city and was really cute. I wish I had had the courage to ask for his number or something like that, but I am so terribly clueless when it comes to adult dating. I went from my high school sweetheart to a few casual dating episodes to falling for my husband to now... I know nothing about dating. That is probably a ripe topic for another post so I will leave it to then.
I have so missed the blogging world and I am trying to pop back in on my old friends. I am still mainly lurking because I am embarrassed for my prolonged absence, but I am around again and so happy about it! Welcome back if you have returned to my world (I hope you like the new landscaping--both literally and figuratively). I am working on posting some Eleanor pics... I am not great with the picture parts of blogger so be patient. If you want me to email you a snapfish link with every picture we have ever taken of her, email me at adventures.in.abbyland@gmail.com.
ttfn
I start my very first full-time job on Monday. I am scared beyond belief! I have never had a real nine-to-fiver before, and I have never been really great at having a boss. I know I can do it, I know I have to do it for Eleanor, but I am still freaking out a little.
Getting this job is such a huge weight off my shoulders! Now Eleanor's daddy can continue to be a deadbeat and it won't affect her (financially anyways). I won't have to mooch off my parents for too much longer, and I will be able to support her completely. That is just a relief.
I am excited and nervous about the prospect of moving out of mom and dad's house... I have only lived alone for about six months of my life, and even then I wasn't home all that often. The soon-to-be-ex-husband and I were dating and I spent most nights with him. Now I will be living alone and taking care of E alone. I know I better hurry and get used to that idea because she and I are going to be living alone together for a long time. I hope it isn't as scary as I think. Any single mommies out there have any advice about living alone with your kiddos?
Speaking of single parenthood, I met the antithesis of my husband yesterday in line at the DMV. Now, I realize we spoke for all of 30 minutes and how can I really evaluate him as a person based on such a short conversation, so this is just a first blush impression. But he was a single dad to a 13-year-old and he was just nice and personable and obviously dedicated to his son. He lives in my city and was really cute. I wish I had had the courage to ask for his number or something like that, but I am so terribly clueless when it comes to adult dating. I went from my high school sweetheart to a few casual dating episodes to falling for my husband to now... I know nothing about dating. That is probably a ripe topic for another post so I will leave it to then.
I have so missed the blogging world and I am trying to pop back in on my old friends. I am still mainly lurking because I am embarrassed for my prolonged absence, but I am around again and so happy about it! Welcome back if you have returned to my world (I hope you like the new landscaping--both literally and figuratively). I am working on posting some Eleanor pics... I am not great with the picture parts of blogger so be patient. If you want me to email you a snapfish link with every picture we have ever taken of her, email me at adventures.in.abbyland@gmail.com.
ttfn
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
I'm baa-aaaack
Wow, that was quite the hiatus. Alot has happened since my last post. I had to take a little break until I felt comfortable enough to post things about my life again. For my returning readers, you will see I made a few changes and spruced the place up a little bit.
So let me catch you up with some short short stories.
1. the husband was, in fact, cheating on me, and he and his girlfriend (and her two daughters) now live in my house.
2. I filed for divorce as early as I could (did you know you can't file for divorce in Texas while you are pregnant?) and he has been dragging ass, I suspect as a way to prolong not paying child support.
3. I am still teaching part time and enjoying that, but I have recently been hired to do training and documentation for claims compliance at an insurance company. Right now I don't really know what exactly that means, but I know it means a steady paycheck and benefits, which are good things!
4. The pregnancy was fabulous!! I loved being pregnant... In spite of all the drama going on in my life, I was a happy preggo. I am going to post the few blogs I wrote on myspace about the drama while I was pregnant, just to keep you up to date.
5. And this one won't be a short short story. This one is my whole life. This one is Eleanor Logan.
She was born Jan. 8, 08 at 8 p.m. via c-section. She is healthy and happy and just plain fabulous. I am madly in love with her! So, the birth story...
I went into the hospital at 10:30 a.m. Tuesday (1/8/08) and they started inducing labor because they were concerned that she hadn't been gaining weight in the womb. I labored until about 7:30 p.m., but the doc didn't feel like I was making enough progress so we decided to do a C-section. It only took them less than 30 minutes to get me into the OR and get going on getting her... It was a little scary, but not that bad. She weighed 7 pounds 1.6 oz and was 19.5 inches long. Because she was born via c-section (and didn't get the "squeeze" of going through the birth canal), she had a little fluid on her lungs and was breathing a little fast, so she went to the NICU.
Eleanor spent four days in the NICU and was discharged only a day after me. Initially they were saying she might need to be there for up to three weeks, so when she made such a strong recovery so quickly, everyone was impressed! She is just so smart, strong, and beautiful! She started drinking out of a bottle day 3 (which was earlier than they expected) and was immediately breastfeeding--she is an eating champ! The nurses and doctors in the NICU were so impressed that her blood sugars were so stable (most babies of diabetics struggle in their first few days, but the docs said because I had managed my diabetes so well during pregnancy that she did better than most).
So that is how she got here... There have already been so many adventures with her in her short little 2-month life. I know I will be writing much more about her.
So, I just want to try to get back in the swing of blogging. I have so much to celebrate now, I don't think I have to worry about being a "debbie downer..." I hope I get some of my readers back. I cannot say enough positive things about the love and support you all provided me during those hard times. I am so excited to get back and catch back up with everyone. If you can forgive me for dropping off the face of the planet, leave me a comment!
So let me catch you up with some short short stories.
1. the husband was, in fact, cheating on me, and he and his girlfriend (and her two daughters) now live in my house.
2. I filed for divorce as early as I could (did you know you can't file for divorce in Texas while you are pregnant?) and he has been dragging ass, I suspect as a way to prolong not paying child support.
3. I am still teaching part time and enjoying that, but I have recently been hired to do training and documentation for claims compliance at an insurance company. Right now I don't really know what exactly that means, but I know it means a steady paycheck and benefits, which are good things!
4. The pregnancy was fabulous!! I loved being pregnant... In spite of all the drama going on in my life, I was a happy preggo. I am going to post the few blogs I wrote on myspace about the drama while I was pregnant, just to keep you up to date.
5. And this one won't be a short short story. This one is my whole life. This one is Eleanor Logan.
She was born Jan. 8, 08 at 8 p.m. via c-section. She is healthy and happy and just plain fabulous. I am madly in love with her! So, the birth story...
I went into the hospital at 10:30 a.m. Tuesday (1/8/08) and they started inducing labor because they were concerned that she hadn't been gaining weight in the womb. I labored until about 7:30 p.m., but the doc didn't feel like I was making enough progress so we decided to do a C-section. It only took them less than 30 minutes to get me into the OR and get going on getting her... It was a little scary, but not that bad. She weighed 7 pounds 1.6 oz and was 19.5 inches long. Because she was born via c-section (and didn't get the "squeeze" of going through the birth canal), she had a little fluid on her lungs and was breathing a little fast, so she went to the NICU.
Eleanor spent four days in the NICU and was discharged only a day after me. Initially they were saying she might need to be there for up to three weeks, so when she made such a strong recovery so quickly, everyone was impressed! She is just so smart, strong, and beautiful! She started drinking out of a bottle day 3 (which was earlier than they expected) and was immediately breastfeeding--she is an eating champ! The nurses and doctors in the NICU were so impressed that her blood sugars were so stable (most babies of diabetics struggle in their first few days, but the docs said because I had managed my diabetes so well during pregnancy that she did better than most).
So that is how she got here... There have already been so many adventures with her in her short little 2-month life. I know I will be writing much more about her.
So, I just want to try to get back in the swing of blogging. I have so much to celebrate now, I don't think I have to worry about being a "debbie downer..." I hope I get some of my readers back. I cannot say enough positive things about the love and support you all provided me during those hard times. I am so excited to get back and catch back up with everyone. If you can forgive me for dropping off the face of the planet, leave me a comment!
return from the myspace era
OK, while I was away, I posted a few blogs over at myspace. I think posting them here will catch you up on some of the uglier issues that were in my life...
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
GREAT news about Eleanor
Well folks, I figure it is time to share something positive and not reminiscent of junior high, so here it is...
I see a perinatal specialist twice a week for Level II Ultrasounds--very in-depth sonograms, basically. These guys take a look at Eleanor and make sure she is doing OK. This is all related to my diabetes.
So, at my last OB appointment I asked my doctor about delivering early and he was not all that receptive... So today I asked the specialists about the possibility of delivering before the first of the year and he said it looked HIGHLY POSSIBLE!!!!!! I am so excited!
Now, mind you, this doctor has seen sono pictures of my baby ALL THE TIME! Early in the pregnancy we went once every three weeks, then every other week, then every week, and since about 30 weeks we have been going twice a week. He knows how my girl is doing! He is the one who told us last Thursday that she already weighs 5 pounds! And that was with 6 weeks to go.
He knows how her lungs are developing and knows how she is developing, so I trust him. If he says it will be healthy for all involved for her to arrive before the first of the year, then I am PUMPED! I so would LOVE for her to get here by the first of the year!
So, after all three of my baby showers (yes, I had three, I feel so fortunate!), there were still some MAJOR items I needed to get to be ready for this precious girl. So Mom and I went to Target today and bought some nursery stuff and three different brands of binkies, and I that was about it--THANK YOU to my cousin Whitney, who's gift card purchased these items! Then I went online when I got home and ordered her crib mattress, nursury crib set, extra sheets, and the mobile that goes with her set. It should all be here before Christmas.
Sally sent her crib home with us a few months ago, and she is sending her cradle home with Mom next week! We aren't using a changing table. Sally is also giving us her pack'n'play that has a bassinet attachment thing for when she sleeps downstairs! As soon as we get the upstairs painted (which we are hoping to have done within two weeks), I will be able to put the nursery really together. It is really all coming together and starting to feel SCARY real!! I think this is that nesting thing they talk about...
So, I just wanted to share the GREAT news, Eleanor may be here by 2008!!! :) And, I may actually be ready for her (with stuff at least if not emotionally--haha!)!! There are still some things we will need to buy or that I hope to get for christmas (like the baby bjorn backpack/carrier with added back support--man I hope santa brings this to me--hehehe), but really I think we are set. I am so lucky that Sally and Jared are willing to pass along their kids' stuff to Eleanor! I am so thankful for this fabulous family I have!!!
So, I hope all these thoughts about my girl makes you smile, I know anytime I think about her (which is about every minute or two), I can't help but smile! I can't wait to meet her and see what color her hair and eyes are, whether she has a dimple like her mom, and whether those chubby cheeks are THAT chubby! I can't wait to get to know her (I suspect she has her mother's attitude--UHOH!)! 5 weeks (or less) can't pass quickly enough for me!
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Well, we have news here in hoo-ville...
So, my dad has taken over all interactions with the deadbeat because it was far too stressful for poor little preggo me (or I just wasn't being taken seriously or G would say mean and horrible things to me that would make me cry or something like that... the bottom line is, it wasn't good for me or the baby to be verbally assaulted while trying to conduct business). Dad sent notice to the deadbeat that we would have to start cutting our losses because the deadbeat had gone back on his agreement to pay his debt, provide Eleanor and me with insurance, and pay me monthly payments. What cutting our losses meant is that we have to sell the bike. Now we aren't doing this to be mean or vindictive or anything like that. I simply can't afford to take the huge depreciation on the bike along with the large loan and pay the deadbeat's share of credit card debt plus the atrocious cost of COBRA.
So, my dad, serving as my accountant, did the math and figured out that this was just too much of a financial drain on me and advised the deadbeat that he needed to let us know either if he was going to pay his debt or hand over the bike. Seems pretty simple to me.
The deadbeat actually responded to my dad (YEAH!). This means he is still alive (so Eleanor will be able to seek child support for him). Remind yourselves, dear readers, I had not heard from him in over a month. He changed jobs (cancelling my insurance) without telling me and pretty much dropped off the face of the planet. We were more than a little surprised that he responded, but the deadbeat is nothing if not surprising to this pregnant person!
The deadbeat tells my father that he needed information on where to send payments and that he had repeatedly asked me for this information and I had refused to give it to him. Really? Really? Well, even though some people prefer to see me as the liar, here is yet another example of his lies... I sent him an e-mail outlining which payments were due when for the month of November... I even went so far as to summarize it all at the end of the e-mail saying have money for these payments available on this day and so on. I also attached the statements (every one for each card since I left in July). The only ones I didn't attach were those that weren't available when I sent the e-mail. I didn't get a timely response to this e-mail, so I re-sent it a few days later just to be sure. He responded that he had gotten the e-mail.
So, tell me please, how is it possible to not know where to mail a payment when you have a digital copy of the statements. I looked at the statements. They clearly state where to mail payments to. They include the account numbers to include on the check. They clearly say how much of a minimum payment is due and when. Further, hard copies of one of the statements are still being delivered to his house in Gainesville!??! But, in case he didn't want to mail them, when it came time for the first payment to be due (it was the cell phone bill), I realized it would be automatically drafted from our joint checking account (an account I do not use other than to pay bills online for him). I didn't want an account with my name on it to get overdrafted, so I checked the balance in advance of the drafting to discover there was not enough money there to cover the draft. So, what did I do? I sent him another e-mail notifying him that the draft was coming and that the money wasn't there. No money got deposited and I didn't hear back from him. So, I changed the payment stuff and had it drafted from my account.
Did I mention that he said in his e-mail to my dad that he had deposited money in the joint account but because of my failures to communicate with him the money just sat there?? So, I double-checked and not once was the joint checking account balance enough to cover any of his bills when they were due...
So then the first credit card payment was due. Again, I checked the joint checking account, saw there was no money there, paid the bill myself because it is in my name and I can't hurt my credit any further. No word from him.
Then the next credit card payment was due. Again, I checked the joint checking account, saw there was no money there, paid the bill myself because... Wait, you have heard this before. You get the picture.
Then as you already read about, I had to deal with the drama that was enrolling in COBRA when he failed to inform me of his termination date and my insurance got cancelled without my knowledge. Worry not, I have solved that problem and paid for that, too.
Now, the scary part to all of this is that yes, I have the money right now. I got a school loan, as usual, at the beginning of the year, and I have two jobs. But when I have the baby and can't work, I am going to need the money I had to spend on his stuff to keep us afloat. You see the problem here.
So, needless to say, I was incensed when he would dare lie to my dad. Like my dad would believe him! And to think he told me I was the liar and that I needed to stop my lies?? What did I lie about?
Did I lie about being committed to him until I died? Nope, that was him.
Did I lie about any of my relationships with my friends of the opposite sex? Nope, that was him.
Did I lie about anything at all? Nope, that was him.
He lied to me about when his last day would be, about the insurance stuff, about that he would pay his bills, about our lives. I have nothing to hide, nothing to lie about. My life is fairly boring, therefore I have nothing to hide... I am actually quite content with my life. I am stressed and annoyed with the deadbeat, but overall, I can't complain! I may want the fun I used to have, but I don't want that life, that's for sure! I see, in hindsight, that life wasn't really mine. That life was so not my own that I had to keep parts of it from my family... That should have been a sign, but I was a committed wife, so I stood by him and followed him down his path of that life. That is a life I never want. I allowed him to convince me that the life he wanted was best for us, but I know better now. He told me he wanted a life for us that would be fun and carefree. He also wanted a life that had no real appeal to someone of my education level and upbringing, but that mattered not to him... I have learned. I hope he learns a lesson or two from all of this.
The deadbeat was pretty easily convinced that the life he wanted wasn't with me or with our growing family. I looked back over my myspace messages the other day and as late as July he was still signing his messages I love you and talking about our life together. Then, something changed. I don't know what it is. I am fairly certain, though, he was convinced that our life together was not best for him... Can anyone tell me how a mother could convince an expectant father to leave his wife and unborn child? Can anyone tell me how a woman could live with herself after she convinced a man to abandon his child? I am sad that he was convinced not to love Eleanor. I am not sad that he was convinced not to love me, I am probably better for that, but I am sad he was convinced to leave her, after he told me time and again how much he wanted her!
How sad he is that easily manipulated. He looked me in the eye countless times and said I can't wait to make a baby with you... If my dates are off (there are two potential conception dates), he may have said that to me the night we made this precious beautiful girl (as funny or ironic or gross as this is, with his now girlfriend in the next room)... Others heard him talk of his excitement about making a baby... Maybe he meant practice or something, that is fun for sure, but he knew what our birth control situation was (non-existent) and could have used his own if he was uncomfortable with that. But he told me he wanted a baby. I know none of this matters now, but I just can't believe that he is still telling lies and that anyone could think that I am anything but honest!
This blogging thing is therapeutic for me. I am struggling with a divorce and single parenthood. I imagine most people would understand struggling with that. I think my sadness or struggles are a source of joy for the deadbeat and his cronies. As hard as that is for a normal person to imagine, I am afraid that is the vibe I get. Can anyone suggest for me how my predicament could bring joy to anyone? I have been my fair share of ugly to him, that is true, but only after he tried to ruin my life. I threatened to keep him from his daughter (and I admit now I was wrong to do that), but as soon as I learned from my attorney that I couldn't keep him from her, I started making efforts for he and I to be friends. These efforts were met with more ugliness than I had previously seen! He said some of the most hateful things to me in our last conversation (well over a month ago now). I tried to remain strong while we were on the phone and tried to convey that I am stronger than he realizes and can take whatever he has to hand out. I realize that we have to have some contact in the next 18 years, so I better set the standard now that he can't intimidate or shun me into silence... You would think 5 years with me would teach him that I won't be silent--haha! I have really done nothing to deserve what has happened other than have poor judgment in choosing a husband. Even that I wouldn't undo because it is only though him that I will have Eleanor.
Ah Eleanor! She is the greatest source of joy one could ever imagine! I am just so excited for her to get here! Thanks to her, I will never be alone! Ever! Those of you who know me well know all about my disdain of alone. I can't wait to meet her and start teaching her all about life. I want her to be positive and happy and outgoing and so many wonderful things. I know she will be fabulous! So, that is what I have to focus on during all the drama! She will never have to be a part of this drama! It is through this drama that I can gain strength and be an even better mommy for her! It is strange to me to be filled with so much joy and excitement for her while at the same time filled with sadness and anger for the deadbeat while at the same time filled with eagerness, anxiousness, fear, anticipation, and excitement for the mommy I am becoming! Who knew one person could feel all these things at the same time?!?
PS--next blog I need to talk about the whole last name thing... Lord knows I am getting plenty of opinions about it around here... What I need are facts, not opinions, so if you happen to know the rules about this kind of stuff, prepare yourself to share with me!!
Friday, November 30, 2007
Just an update
Well... So I think I have "dealt" with the insurance thing for now...
I called the company that owned Garrett's Wendy's and talked with them. I asked them to mail me a separate COBRA notification form bc of the situation w/Garrett. The lady to whom I spoke seemed very nice and cooperative.
I think after I spoke with her, Garrett talked to her and asked her not to cooperate with me... Luckily, I didn't really need her very much. I got in touch with Blue Cross Blue Shield and they told me to just keep trying to find out when his company would send them the termination notice...
Long story short, I had to go through hours on the phone with the insurance company and $500-that-I-don't-have later, I am back to being insured... Here's the kicker... I spoke to G about this on Nov. 1. He told me he didn't know when his last day would be or if he even had the job. He said he would "take care of" the insurance stuff. I have not heard from his since. I e-mailed him daily asking what his termination date was, he just ignored me.
So, I go to get a prescription refill on Monday (I had 3 days of thyroid medicine left at that point and if I don't take it that is bad news for the baby so I was trying to be prepared). CVS calls me and says the insurance turned me down. That was my real official notice that he had been terminated and that things had gone through BCBS (thankfully a nice person had already given me a head's up that his last official day was Nov. 2, the DAY AFTER I SPOKE TO HIM ABOUT THIS)... This really lit my fire and by Wednesday I had things worked out...
I think he has finally convinced me that he really doesn't want anything to do with his daughter and that just breaks my heart all over again--everyday that I think about it! I try to get mad (sometimes with GREAT success), but that doesn't change how much it hurts that I was just so wrong about him... I try to just focus on what I need to do to shut out those emotions...
In his effort to make it clear to me that he cares nothing about our well being, he failed to pay any of the bills that he committed to pay that are joint debts in my name... In order to protect my credit, I paid them. He, of course, paid his bike payment on time, but that was it. When I combine the new credit card payments with what I am going to have to pay for insurance, I have to start making major plans for how to make money as soon as possible... I think I will run out by March, if I am lucky to last that long.
Oh, and then there's the bike payment that I will soon assume. We have to sell the bike because of all this financial problems--it depreciates far more than what is being paid off on it and we are already WAY upside down on it, so we (I mean I, me, NOT we, I am not a We anymore) have to sell it and cut our losses... I am so afraid it will get ugly when we have to repossess the bike. That will be his final straw to totally hate my guts and I have already seen the more he hates me the more he runs away from Eleanor so I really don't want him to hate me and her to pay the price...
I know, someone will say she is better off without him and blah blah blah. I know that deep down, and I am also confident she won't suffer from any of this, but in my heart of hearts, I believe G had a good daddy in him and even if he can't love me, I thought he would love her. When he would look at me and tell me how much he couldn't wait to have a baby with me, I believed him. I saw in him the potential for being a loving daddy so I am just struggling to let go of those images.
My dad told me, and I believe him, Eleanor doesn't need a dad, she's got a PaPa (what the other grandkids call my dad). I know that is true. I know she will be more loved than I even know possible. I just need to get these feelings off my chest and my counselor cancelled on me this week... Thank God for blogging, huh?!?
So really, when it comes down to it, I am OK. She is OK. We are going to be OK. Everything in life isn't meant to be easy and I am learning that more every day. I have always been so lucky to have never really faced any major loss in my life and this was my first real encounter with "tragedy." And this isn't really tragedy. My family has scooped me up and has helped me transition to taking really good care of myself. I have a job (for now), and we aren't hungry or cold and won't be. I shouldn't complain at all, I am just dealing with a broken heart and some dead-beat dad issues (Eleanor's, NOT mine!).
I know I will have no problem getting child support out of him. I know she will be loved. I know all that. I feel pretty damn selfish being worried about how I feel, but, again, that is what blogging is for sometimes.
Any of you who have survived a divorce want to tell me when it stops hurting? As much as I am filled with anger and detest-ing for him, I still miss having a husband and feeling loved in that way. I want this pain to go away, and go away fast! I don't want to wonder how he is doing. I don't want to be mad anymore that I am here dealing with all the business issues while he is off having a good time with his girlfriend and his new job and his new friends... I don't want to be jealous of that, but sometimes I am. I know I am getting the good new life with Eleanor. I do know that. The immature girl in me just wishes I had more of a social life (and a romantic life)...
Oh and that is a whole nother issue... I have fabulous and supportive friends here who want to spend time with me and want to give me that social life, but it is sometimes just too hard for me... It is too hard to keep up the happy face for an entire evening out... It is too hard to be around these fabulous women whom I am secretly sickly jealous of bc they have what I want--a happy husband... All the time girlfriends say let's hang out and do this or that, but it is still really hard for me. As much as I hate it, it is safer and easier for me to just hang out with my parents where I know if I sneak off for a cry they either won't notice or won't think it is totally nuts... I can't even address the romantic life part yet. I know I need to be patient and give myself time to heal before I even begin to think about romance. Blah Blah Blah... I just want a little fun...
Well and what do you know, but in the middle of my little pity party... Possibly good news comes over the phone lines... I just got a call from a company here looking for a trainer (trainer/teacher, I can wear either hat)... I explained to the very nice woman that I am having a baby in January, but that I am looking for work after I recover... I so hope when I call her in February that they still need someone! I interviewed with this company right before I moved here and the person who interviewed me passed my name to her... In any event, it sounds good to me (plus I am familiar with the benefits this company gives, and insurance wouldn't really be a problem anymore!)... So, think positive for me. I am going to need a job just as soon as I can get back to work.
There, I am glad I get to end on a happy note. Sorry for the long whiney rant. I am fine. Eleanor is better than fine. I will be better than fine eventually. Thanks for listening to me...
Next post I will try to make a little happier!
Monday, November 30, 2007
Request for assistance
Well isn't this embarrassing!
According to Garrett, someone who reads my blogs tells him everything I say... I have nothing to hide so I am hoping I can use this fact to my advantage (or G is, as usual, lying and he won't hear about this)...
Here is what I need. I have no way of getting in touch with Garrett. He changed his cell phone number and I don't have the new one. I just found out he changed jobs so now I don't even have a work number (or name or anything for that matter) for him.
When he changed jobs, that means Eleanor and I are no longer covered by insurance. As you can imagine this is a scary prospect. I need to speak with Garrett to find out what his last official day with Hoover Foods (the company that owns his Wendy's) was. I need to start making arrangements for Eleanor and me to get covered on COBRA. Please hope and pray that it isn't too late and that we haven't lost this opportunity as I have no idea how I will afford all of our medical bills without insurance!!
So, if you see Garrett or speak to him or have any way of contacting him, please ask him, for his daughter's sake, to please let me know what his last official day was with Hoover Foods. He can tell you and you can pass it on to me or whatever. I just need to know that date so I can work with his former human resources person to get the new insurance set up (if that is going to be a possibility).
All positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated! Eleanor and I are doing fine, other than this little snafu with insurance... I see a doctor every week now and they say she is growing just right. We are down to nine weeks and counting!
Thanks in advance if anyone is able to get in touch with him!
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Fool
Well folks. I am officially made the fool, again.....
I have avoided openly admitted that I have been made the fool, but I think it might have a therapeutic effect, so I am going to give it a try.
When G decided to leave me, I suspected cheating. He adamantly said no way. I finally convinced myself to believe that, maybe because it was easier. I believed him when he said I made him miserable and he hated me. That was easier to believe than that he had chosen some dumb piece of trash over me.
So months have gone on and I have lived happier with the knowledge that I was just a bad wife, rather than the knowledge that he chose her over me. So I come home for a week of work and fun, and what do I find out, but that they have been seen around town on MY motorcycle (I say MINE because my name is on the very upside down title and lien). This just finally showed me some proof that he has, in fact, chosen her.
I suspected he bought a new phone, but he denied it and I believed it. I hadn't seen her number on his phone and he deleted her off his myspace so I believed if they had been f-ing, they stopped. Whoah was I wrong!
I am the fool and have been one for quite some time. We have all seen that movie, where the woman befriends the wife and gains the wife's trust and the wife invites the other woman into their lives. So I did that. Foolishly. I thought I could help this poor sad trashy girl who just needed a positive influence in her life. Her life looked sad and hard compared to mine and my husband wanted me to befriend her so I did. Without many questions.
Finally, I saw that I wasn't comfortable with our "threesome" and removed myself from it, assuming my husband would do the same. What do you know but he didn't. At first he just chose to remain friends with her. But in the end he has chosen to end his relationship with me (and my baby--whom he willingly fathered) and pursue a relationship with her.
Some say it is fear about the baby, but if he has chosen her (and her two little girls), it is not the kid thing.
She told me when I ended our friendship that she would make me sorry and embarrass me publicly. Well, she did. I am embarrassed that I was ever friends with her. I am embarrassed that I was ever stupid enough to let her into my life or even my house. I am embarrassed that I married a piece of shit who would leave me when I am pregnant to pursue that piece of trash who offers him the motorcycle mama life he wants--complete with dirty sexual habits and threesomes (literal sexual ones, not the figurative ones I was talking about meaning she, he and I were all three friends--she will invite other women to bed with them). I know she will be the inferior female who worships him and cooks him dinner and makes him feel smart and important.
I loved him and respected him, but I could never make him feel smart or important unless he felt that way on his own. I worked hard to lower myself to the life he wanted. I stopped discussing things like national matters in my own home because he didn't understand the things I talked about. I immersed myself in his life of bikes and babes and Wendys and UFC and wrestling and trash. I was willing to be his white trash mama, but I just couldn't get white trash enough for him, I guess.
And it sucks that that hurts so bad. Still. I say still like it has been so long. It has been 2 months since I left physically. I think their love has been going on for far longer than that, but my awareness has only been partial until now. I was so optimistic--about my friendship with her and about his honesty. I looked for the best and really preferred to believe that it was that I made him miserable and that I was a horrible wife who will probably make her next husband miserable. I preferred to believe that over the possibility that he just wanted that more than our family.
I am torn between anger and hurt. All those offers people have made to kick his ass now don't sound so crazy. But, I know I am the winner in all this, it is just hard to see that right now. I have to work hard to interact with him only about matters of business. I must shut my heart down when it comes to him. I know that will be hard, but it will help.
He owes me a look in the eye and a confession, but he is a failure as a human being and will never give me that. I accept that. I am sad that he will never--NEVER EVER--have the opportunity to know his beautiful daughter. And I am more sad that he is more bothered that I am going to take his bike away than he is that I am going to take his daughter away. Like I said, failure as a human being.
For those of you who stumble upon this and hadn't put the pieces together as to my move back to Texas and what not... That's the deal. My husband got me pregnant (we discussed this baby and planned for her, she wasn't an accident), continued a relationship with a piece of trash whore whom I had invited into our lives, and left me on my ass. I am slowly recovering. Slowly.
Positive thoughts and prayers for me and Eleanor are always welcome and appreciated. Voo-doo dolls of him are also welcome--haha (just kidding--sort of)...
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
GREAT news about Eleanor
Well folks, I figure it is time to share something positive and not reminiscent of junior high, so here it is...
I see a perinatal specialist twice a week for Level II Ultrasounds--very in-depth sonograms, basically. These guys take a look at Eleanor and make sure she is doing OK. This is all related to my diabetes.
So, at my last OB appointment I asked my doctor about delivering early and he was not all that receptive... So today I asked the specialists about the possibility of delivering before the first of the year and he said it looked HIGHLY POSSIBLE!!!!!! I am so excited!
Now, mind you, this doctor has seen sono pictures of my baby ALL THE TIME! Early in the pregnancy we went once every three weeks, then every other week, then every week, and since about 30 weeks we have been going twice a week. He knows how my girl is doing! He is the one who told us last Thursday that she already weighs 5 pounds! And that was with 6 weeks to go.
He knows how her lungs are developing and knows how she is developing, so I trust him. If he says it will be healthy for all involved for her to arrive before the first of the year, then I am PUMPED! I so would LOVE for her to get here by the first of the year!
So, after all three of my baby showers (yes, I had three, I feel so fortunate!), there were still some MAJOR items I needed to get to be ready for this precious girl. So Mom and I went to Target today and bought some nursery stuff and three different brands of binkies, and I that was about it--THANK YOU to my cousin Whitney, who's gift card purchased these items! Then I went online when I got home and ordered her crib mattress, nursury crib set, extra sheets, and the mobile that goes with her set. It should all be here before Christmas.
Sally sent her crib home with us a few months ago, and she is sending her cradle home with Mom next week! We aren't using a changing table. Sally is also giving us her pack'n'play that has a bassinet attachment thing for when she sleeps downstairs! As soon as we get the upstairs painted (which we are hoping to have done within two weeks), I will be able to put the nursery really together. It is really all coming together and starting to feel SCARY real!! I think this is that nesting thing they talk about...
So, I just wanted to share the GREAT news, Eleanor may be here by 2008!!! :) And, I may actually be ready for her (with stuff at least if not emotionally--haha!)!! There are still some things we will need to buy or that I hope to get for christmas (like the baby bjorn backpack/carrier with added back support--man I hope santa brings this to me--hehehe), but really I think we are set. I am so lucky that Sally and Jared are willing to pass along their kids' stuff to Eleanor! I am so thankful for this fabulous family I have!!!
So, I hope all these thoughts about my girl makes you smile, I know anytime I think about her (which is about every minute or two), I can't help but smile! I can't wait to meet her and see what color her hair and eyes are, whether she has a dimple like her mom, and whether those chubby cheeks are THAT chubby! I can't wait to get to know her (I suspect she has her mother's attitude--UHOH!)! 5 weeks (or less) can't pass quickly enough for me!
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Who’s the liar?
Well, we have news here in hoo-ville...
So, my dad has taken over all interactions with the deadbeat because it was far too stressful for poor little preggo me (or I just wasn't being taken seriously or G would say mean and horrible things to me that would make me cry or something like that... the bottom line is, it wasn't good for me or the baby to be verbally assaulted while trying to conduct business). Dad sent notice to the deadbeat that we would have to start cutting our losses because the deadbeat had gone back on his agreement to pay his debt, provide Eleanor and me with insurance, and pay me monthly payments. What cutting our losses meant is that we have to sell the bike. Now we aren't doing this to be mean or vindictive or anything like that. I simply can't afford to take the huge depreciation on the bike along with the large loan and pay the deadbeat's share of credit card debt plus the atrocious cost of COBRA.
So, my dad, serving as my accountant, did the math and figured out that this was just too much of a financial drain on me and advised the deadbeat that he needed to let us know either if he was going to pay his debt or hand over the bike. Seems pretty simple to me.
The deadbeat actually responded to my dad (YEAH!). This means he is still alive (so Eleanor will be able to seek child support for him). Remind yourselves, dear readers, I had not heard from him in over a month. He changed jobs (cancelling my insurance) without telling me and pretty much dropped off the face of the planet. We were more than a little surprised that he responded, but the deadbeat is nothing if not surprising to this pregnant person!
The deadbeat tells my father that he needed information on where to send payments and that he had repeatedly asked me for this information and I had refused to give it to him. Really? Really? Well, even though some people prefer to see me as the liar, here is yet another example of his lies... I sent him an e-mail outlining which payments were due when for the month of November... I even went so far as to summarize it all at the end of the e-mail saying have money for these payments available on this day and so on. I also attached the statements (every one for each card since I left in July). The only ones I didn't attach were those that weren't available when I sent the e-mail. I didn't get a timely response to this e-mail, so I re-sent it a few days later just to be sure. He responded that he had gotten the e-mail.
So, tell me please, how is it possible to not know where to mail a payment when you have a digital copy of the statements. I looked at the statements. They clearly state where to mail payments to. They include the account numbers to include on the check. They clearly say how much of a minimum payment is due and when. Further, hard copies of one of the statements are still being delivered to his house in Gainesville!??! But, in case he didn't want to mail them, when it came time for the first payment to be due (it was the cell phone bill), I realized it would be automatically drafted from our joint checking account (an account I do not use other than to pay bills online for him). I didn't want an account with my name on it to get overdrafted, so I checked the balance in advance of the drafting to discover there was not enough money there to cover the draft. So, what did I do? I sent him another e-mail notifying him that the draft was coming and that the money wasn't there. No money got deposited and I didn't hear back from him. So, I changed the payment stuff and had it drafted from my account.
Did I mention that he said in his e-mail to my dad that he had deposited money in the joint account but because of my failures to communicate with him the money just sat there?? So, I double-checked and not once was the joint checking account balance enough to cover any of his bills when they were due...
So then the first credit card payment was due. Again, I checked the joint checking account, saw there was no money there, paid the bill myself because it is in my name and I can't hurt my credit any further. No word from him.
Then the next credit card payment was due. Again, I checked the joint checking account, saw there was no money there, paid the bill myself because... Wait, you have heard this before. You get the picture.
Then as you already read about, I had to deal with the drama that was enrolling in COBRA when he failed to inform me of his termination date and my insurance got cancelled without my knowledge. Worry not, I have solved that problem and paid for that, too.
Now, the scary part to all of this is that yes, I have the money right now. I got a school loan, as usual, at the beginning of the year, and I have two jobs. But when I have the baby and can't work, I am going to need the money I had to spend on his stuff to keep us afloat. You see the problem here.
So, needless to say, I was incensed when he would dare lie to my dad. Like my dad would believe him! And to think he told me I was the liar and that I needed to stop my lies?? What did I lie about?
Did I lie about being committed to him until I died? Nope, that was him.
Did I lie about any of my relationships with my friends of the opposite sex? Nope, that was him.
Did I lie about anything at all? Nope, that was him.
He lied to me about when his last day would be, about the insurance stuff, about that he would pay his bills, about our lives. I have nothing to hide, nothing to lie about. My life is fairly boring, therefore I have nothing to hide... I am actually quite content with my life. I am stressed and annoyed with the deadbeat, but overall, I can't complain! I may want the fun I used to have, but I don't want that life, that's for sure! I see, in hindsight, that life wasn't really mine. That life was so not my own that I had to keep parts of it from my family... That should have been a sign, but I was a committed wife, so I stood by him and followed him down his path of that life. That is a life I never want. I allowed him to convince me that the life he wanted was best for us, but I know better now. He told me he wanted a life for us that would be fun and carefree. He also wanted a life that had no real appeal to someone of my education level and upbringing, but that mattered not to him... I have learned. I hope he learns a lesson or two from all of this.
The deadbeat was pretty easily convinced that the life he wanted wasn't with me or with our growing family. I looked back over my myspace messages the other day and as late as July he was still signing his messages I love you and talking about our life together. Then, something changed. I don't know what it is. I am fairly certain, though, he was convinced that our life together was not best for him... Can anyone tell me how a mother could convince an expectant father to leave his wife and unborn child? Can anyone tell me how a woman could live with herself after she convinced a man to abandon his child? I am sad that he was convinced not to love Eleanor. I am not sad that he was convinced not to love me, I am probably better for that, but I am sad he was convinced to leave her, after he told me time and again how much he wanted her!
How sad he is that easily manipulated. He looked me in the eye countless times and said I can't wait to make a baby with you... If my dates are off (there are two potential conception dates), he may have said that to me the night we made this precious beautiful girl (as funny or ironic or gross as this is, with his now girlfriend in the next room)... Others heard him talk of his excitement about making a baby... Maybe he meant practice or something, that is fun for sure, but he knew what our birth control situation was (non-existent) and could have used his own if he was uncomfortable with that. But he told me he wanted a baby. I know none of this matters now, but I just can't believe that he is still telling lies and that anyone could think that I am anything but honest!
This blogging thing is therapeutic for me. I am struggling with a divorce and single parenthood. I imagine most people would understand struggling with that. I think my sadness or struggles are a source of joy for the deadbeat and his cronies. As hard as that is for a normal person to imagine, I am afraid that is the vibe I get. Can anyone suggest for me how my predicament could bring joy to anyone? I have been my fair share of ugly to him, that is true, but only after he tried to ruin my life. I threatened to keep him from his daughter (and I admit now I was wrong to do that), but as soon as I learned from my attorney that I couldn't keep him from her, I started making efforts for he and I to be friends. These efforts were met with more ugliness than I had previously seen! He said some of the most hateful things to me in our last conversation (well over a month ago now). I tried to remain strong while we were on the phone and tried to convey that I am stronger than he realizes and can take whatever he has to hand out. I realize that we have to have some contact in the next 18 years, so I better set the standard now that he can't intimidate or shun me into silence... You would think 5 years with me would teach him that I won't be silent--haha! I have really done nothing to deserve what has happened other than have poor judgment in choosing a husband. Even that I wouldn't undo because it is only though him that I will have Eleanor.
Ah Eleanor! She is the greatest source of joy one could ever imagine! I am just so excited for her to get here! Thanks to her, I will never be alone! Ever! Those of you who know me well know all about my disdain of alone. I can't wait to meet her and start teaching her all about life. I want her to be positive and happy and outgoing and so many wonderful things. I know she will be fabulous! So, that is what I have to focus on during all the drama! She will never have to be a part of this drama! It is through this drama that I can gain strength and be an even better mommy for her! It is strange to me to be filled with so much joy and excitement for her while at the same time filled with sadness and anger for the deadbeat while at the same time filled with eagerness, anxiousness, fear, anticipation, and excitement for the mommy I am becoming! Who knew one person could feel all these things at the same time?!?
PS--next blog I need to talk about the whole last name thing... Lord knows I am getting plenty of opinions about it around here... What I need are facts, not opinions, so if you happen to know the rules about this kind of stuff, prepare yourself to share with me!!
Friday, November 30, 2007
Just an update
Well... So I think I have "dealt" with the insurance thing for now...
I called the company that owned Garrett's Wendy's and talked with them. I asked them to mail me a separate COBRA notification form bc of the situation w/Garrett. The lady to whom I spoke seemed very nice and cooperative.
I think after I spoke with her, Garrett talked to her and asked her not to cooperate with me... Luckily, I didn't really need her very much. I got in touch with Blue Cross Blue Shield and they told me to just keep trying to find out when his company would send them the termination notice...
Long story short, I had to go through hours on the phone with the insurance company and $500-that-I-don't-have later, I am back to being insured... Here's the kicker... I spoke to G about this on Nov. 1. He told me he didn't know when his last day would be or if he even had the job. He said he would "take care of" the insurance stuff. I have not heard from his since. I e-mailed him daily asking what his termination date was, he just ignored me.
So, I go to get a prescription refill on Monday (I had 3 days of thyroid medicine left at that point and if I don't take it that is bad news for the baby so I was trying to be prepared). CVS calls me and says the insurance turned me down. That was my real official notice that he had been terminated and that things had gone through BCBS (thankfully a nice person had already given me a head's up that his last official day was Nov. 2, the DAY AFTER I SPOKE TO HIM ABOUT THIS)... This really lit my fire and by Wednesday I had things worked out...
I think he has finally convinced me that he really doesn't want anything to do with his daughter and that just breaks my heart all over again--everyday that I think about it! I try to get mad (sometimes with GREAT success), but that doesn't change how much it hurts that I was just so wrong about him... I try to just focus on what I need to do to shut out those emotions...
In his effort to make it clear to me that he cares nothing about our well being, he failed to pay any of the bills that he committed to pay that are joint debts in my name... In order to protect my credit, I paid them. He, of course, paid his bike payment on time, but that was it. When I combine the new credit card payments with what I am going to have to pay for insurance, I have to start making major plans for how to make money as soon as possible... I think I will run out by March, if I am lucky to last that long.
Oh, and then there's the bike payment that I will soon assume. We have to sell the bike because of all this financial problems--it depreciates far more than what is being paid off on it and we are already WAY upside down on it, so we (I mean I, me, NOT we, I am not a We anymore) have to sell it and cut our losses... I am so afraid it will get ugly when we have to repossess the bike. That will be his final straw to totally hate my guts and I have already seen the more he hates me the more he runs away from Eleanor so I really don't want him to hate me and her to pay the price...
I know, someone will say she is better off without him and blah blah blah. I know that deep down, and I am also confident she won't suffer from any of this, but in my heart of hearts, I believe G had a good daddy in him and even if he can't love me, I thought he would love her. When he would look at me and tell me how much he couldn't wait to have a baby with me, I believed him. I saw in him the potential for being a loving daddy so I am just struggling to let go of those images.
My dad told me, and I believe him, Eleanor doesn't need a dad, she's got a PaPa (what the other grandkids call my dad). I know that is true. I know she will be more loved than I even know possible. I just need to get these feelings off my chest and my counselor cancelled on me this week... Thank God for blogging, huh?!?
So really, when it comes down to it, I am OK. She is OK. We are going to be OK. Everything in life isn't meant to be easy and I am learning that more every day. I have always been so lucky to have never really faced any major loss in my life and this was my first real encounter with "tragedy." And this isn't really tragedy. My family has scooped me up and has helped me transition to taking really good care of myself. I have a job (for now), and we aren't hungry or cold and won't be. I shouldn't complain at all, I am just dealing with a broken heart and some dead-beat dad issues (Eleanor's, NOT mine!).
I know I will have no problem getting child support out of him. I know she will be loved. I know all that. I feel pretty damn selfish being worried about how I feel, but, again, that is what blogging is for sometimes.
Any of you who have survived a divorce want to tell me when it stops hurting? As much as I am filled with anger and detest-ing for him, I still miss having a husband and feeling loved in that way. I want this pain to go away, and go away fast! I don't want to wonder how he is doing. I don't want to be mad anymore that I am here dealing with all the business issues while he is off having a good time with his girlfriend and his new job and his new friends... I don't want to be jealous of that, but sometimes I am. I know I am getting the good new life with Eleanor. I do know that. The immature girl in me just wishes I had more of a social life (and a romantic life)...
Oh and that is a whole nother issue... I have fabulous and supportive friends here who want to spend time with me and want to give me that social life, but it is sometimes just too hard for me... It is too hard to keep up the happy face for an entire evening out... It is too hard to be around these fabulous women whom I am secretly sickly jealous of bc they have what I want--a happy husband... All the time girlfriends say let's hang out and do this or that, but it is still really hard for me. As much as I hate it, it is safer and easier for me to just hang out with my parents where I know if I sneak off for a cry they either won't notice or won't think it is totally nuts... I can't even address the romantic life part yet. I know I need to be patient and give myself time to heal before I even begin to think about romance. Blah Blah Blah... I just want a little fun...
Well and what do you know, but in the middle of my little pity party... Possibly good news comes over the phone lines... I just got a call from a company here looking for a trainer (trainer/teacher, I can wear either hat)... I explained to the very nice woman that I am having a baby in January, but that I am looking for work after I recover... I so hope when I call her in February that they still need someone! I interviewed with this company right before I moved here and the person who interviewed me passed my name to her... In any event, it sounds good to me (plus I am familiar with the benefits this company gives, and insurance wouldn't really be a problem anymore!)... So, think positive for me. I am going to need a job just as soon as I can get back to work.
There, I am glad I get to end on a happy note. Sorry for the long whiney rant. I am fine. Eleanor is better than fine. I will be better than fine eventually. Thanks for listening to me...
Next post I will try to make a little happier!
Monday, November 30, 2007
Request for assistance
Well isn't this embarrassing!
According to Garrett, someone who reads my blogs tells him everything I say... I have nothing to hide so I am hoping I can use this fact to my advantage (or G is, as usual, lying and he won't hear about this)...
Here is what I need. I have no way of getting in touch with Garrett. He changed his cell phone number and I don't have the new one. I just found out he changed jobs so now I don't even have a work number (or name or anything for that matter) for him.
When he changed jobs, that means Eleanor and I are no longer covered by insurance. As you can imagine this is a scary prospect. I need to speak with Garrett to find out what his last official day with Hoover Foods (the company that owns his Wendy's) was. I need to start making arrangements for Eleanor and me to get covered on COBRA. Please hope and pray that it isn't too late and that we haven't lost this opportunity as I have no idea how I will afford all of our medical bills without insurance!!
So, if you see Garrett or speak to him or have any way of contacting him, please ask him, for his daughter's sake, to please let me know what his last official day was with Hoover Foods. He can tell you and you can pass it on to me or whatever. I just need to know that date so I can work with his former human resources person to get the new insurance set up (if that is going to be a possibility).
All positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated! Eleanor and I are doing fine, other than this little snafu with insurance... I see a doctor every week now and they say she is growing just right. We are down to nine weeks and counting!
Thanks in advance if anyone is able to get in touch with him!
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Fool
Well folks. I am officially made the fool, again.....
I have avoided openly admitted that I have been made the fool, but I think it might have a therapeutic effect, so I am going to give it a try.
When G decided to leave me, I suspected cheating. He adamantly said no way. I finally convinced myself to believe that, maybe because it was easier. I believed him when he said I made him miserable and he hated me. That was easier to believe than that he had chosen some dumb piece of trash over me.
So months have gone on and I have lived happier with the knowledge that I was just a bad wife, rather than the knowledge that he chose her over me. So I come home for a week of work and fun, and what do I find out, but that they have been seen around town on MY motorcycle (I say MINE because my name is on the very upside down title and lien). This just finally showed me some proof that he has, in fact, chosen her.
I suspected he bought a new phone, but he denied it and I believed it. I hadn't seen her number on his phone and he deleted her off his myspace so I believed if they had been f-ing, they stopped. Whoah was I wrong!
I am the fool and have been one for quite some time. We have all seen that movie, where the woman befriends the wife and gains the wife's trust and the wife invites the other woman into their lives. So I did that. Foolishly. I thought I could help this poor sad trashy girl who just needed a positive influence in her life. Her life looked sad and hard compared to mine and my husband wanted me to befriend her so I did. Without many questions.
Finally, I saw that I wasn't comfortable with our "threesome" and removed myself from it, assuming my husband would do the same. What do you know but he didn't. At first he just chose to remain friends with her. But in the end he has chosen to end his relationship with me (and my baby--whom he willingly fathered) and pursue a relationship with her.
Some say it is fear about the baby, but if he has chosen her (and her two little girls), it is not the kid thing.
She told me when I ended our friendship that she would make me sorry and embarrass me publicly. Well, she did. I am embarrassed that I was ever friends with her. I am embarrassed that I was ever stupid enough to let her into my life or even my house. I am embarrassed that I married a piece of shit who would leave me when I am pregnant to pursue that piece of trash who offers him the motorcycle mama life he wants--complete with dirty sexual habits and threesomes (literal sexual ones, not the figurative ones I was talking about meaning she, he and I were all three friends--she will invite other women to bed with them). I know she will be the inferior female who worships him and cooks him dinner and makes him feel smart and important.
I loved him and respected him, but I could never make him feel smart or important unless he felt that way on his own. I worked hard to lower myself to the life he wanted. I stopped discussing things like national matters in my own home because he didn't understand the things I talked about. I immersed myself in his life of bikes and babes and Wendys and UFC and wrestling and trash. I was willing to be his white trash mama, but I just couldn't get white trash enough for him, I guess.
And it sucks that that hurts so bad. Still. I say still like it has been so long. It has been 2 months since I left physically. I think their love has been going on for far longer than that, but my awareness has only been partial until now. I was so optimistic--about my friendship with her and about his honesty. I looked for the best and really preferred to believe that it was that I made him miserable and that I was a horrible wife who will probably make her next husband miserable. I preferred to believe that over the possibility that he just wanted that more than our family.
I am torn between anger and hurt. All those offers people have made to kick his ass now don't sound so crazy. But, I know I am the winner in all this, it is just hard to see that right now. I have to work hard to interact with him only about matters of business. I must shut my heart down when it comes to him. I know that will be hard, but it will help.
He owes me a look in the eye and a confession, but he is a failure as a human being and will never give me that. I accept that. I am sad that he will never--NEVER EVER--have the opportunity to know his beautiful daughter. And I am more sad that he is more bothered that I am going to take his bike away than he is that I am going to take his daughter away. Like I said, failure as a human being.
For those of you who stumble upon this and hadn't put the pieces together as to my move back to Texas and what not... That's the deal. My husband got me pregnant (we discussed this baby and planned for her, she wasn't an accident), continued a relationship with a piece of trash whore whom I had invited into our lives, and left me on my ass. I am slowly recovering. Slowly.
Positive thoughts and prayers for me and Eleanor are always welcome and appreciated. Voo-doo dolls of him are also welcome--haha (just kidding--sort of)...
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