A new day

Well, this week has certainly been better than last week, but I am afraid I know why, and it's just not healthy.

So at the end of last week, the guy I have been seeing off and on for the last six months sent me what I understood to be a break up email. I was totally hurt and bummed by what he had to say. But I wasn't totally bummed at the prospect of losing my relationship with him, rather I was hurt and sad and scared at the prospect of not having a relationship. In my head I think, "If this guy doesn't want to love me, then who on earth will?" He and I are not a perfect match, but I so want to be in a relationship that I was willing to overlook the imperfections of our match. And I wasn't really at all sad about losing him--it was losing the relationship--any relationship.

During the week before last, I had been balancing the attention of off-and-on guy with beaker from work and loving it. I loved the idea of juggling a couple of guys. Mind you, I was not in a sexual relationship with these men so I don't feel bad enjoying the attention of both of them. But by the end of last week, I had lost the attention of both of them and I was floored by it. Anytime a prospective or current love interest leaves my life I go right back to feeling like a worthless sad little girl who just knows no one will ever love her.

I logically know this isn't true. My therapist gets onto me about saying things like that. I do logically know it, but it just doesn't feel true. Another lesson I have learned in therapy, I don't feel my feelings all that often. I can be very analytical and think about a lot of things, but I don't allow myself to feel very much. I CANNOT pass this on to my daughter. I have to learn how to feel--even the bad emotions. E cannot go through life the way I am. But, I digress...

So why has this week already been so much better? Well I haven't had to think about or feel those feelings of worthlessness and sadness as much. I have been busy. I spent last night at mom and dad's and then talked on the phone to a male friend (who happens to have romantic interest in me, but I am not interested in him) until I went to sleep. I didn't make time to think about whether I am lovable. Then today at work, Beaker asked me to bring him lunch, and even though he is generally a jerk to me, I still did it. It got me positive attention from him. Not a lot of positive attention, but a little, and that is enough for me. Off-and-On-guy once told me seeking a relationship is like my drug of choice. I think I agree. I will take a little positive attention from a jerk rather than have no positive attention from a man with whom I could potentially be romantic. And then my boss introduced me to the cute artist guy who works on our floor who is supposedly interested in me. This just sent me into happy mode... But I don't really see that going anywhere. The guy really strikes me as too effeminate. Maybe it's because he's an artist or maybe it's because I thought he was gay until I was told otherwise, but either way, he's just not the burly manly man type I usually go for... Maybe I don't need to go for the same type I have gone for, I don't really know... But pair all that with the text from off-and-on-guy telling me things weren't over, and I have all the drug I need. Today anyways.

But I realize these cannot be the things that keep me feeling worthwhile. I have to find new ways to know that I am worthwhile. I have to alter my core beliefs about who I am. How do I do that? How do I stop listening to the ugly voices in my head that tell me no one will ever love me? The attention of a man drowns those voices out, but that's not good enough. Here is yet another example of behaviors I CANNOT pass on to my daughter. I have to whip this and I have to do it soon. She is already learning about self esteem and forming her core beliefs right now. I have to lead by example. If anyone reads this and anyone has any books to suggest or exercises to practice to alter my core beliefs, please pass them along to me.

Baby E

I thought this would be MUCH brighter than yesterday's post. Here is what I get to smile about every single day! Thank God for her. I hope she brightens your day, too!

Or once every six months, but who's counting

Really, who's counting anyways... Seeing as I haven't written in six months, not only do I think no one is counting, but no one is likely reading...

So in the last six months I have started seeing a therapist and he wants me journaling. I did it for a few weeks on paper, but I remember how much I enjoy blogging and typing is way easier than writing by hand, so I am going to do it here. Today. I make no promises about beyond today.

I think that could be a grander statement about the way I feel about life lately. Wow is it kicking the shit out of me these days. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE motherhood and I LOVE Eleanor even more than I love being her mom, but I am just deep in the dumps and can't seem to crawl my way out... Hence the seeing a therapist. He is really great and I like him, but I have been seeing him for six weeks or so and while I have had some better weeks than the last one, I still am having ones like last week and that just makes me get impatient...

So I have to learn to shed my inner "wounded girl." That scares the crap out of me. That makes me feel like I will soon have even less of a clue about the person that I really am. Well I know who I really am, I am that wounded girl. I am the girl who believes to the core of my being that no one will ever love me. I understand that my family loves me more than a person could ever ask for, but they have to love me and that is a different kind of love than the kind of love I may never have. I don't really understand why I so whole-heartedly believe that I will never really be loved, but I do really feel that way. I had a husband who was far beneath me and should have thanked his lucky stars to have me. I gave of my whole self to him. I changed everything that I am to suit him because I am so madly desperate for someone to love me. I gave him anything and everything and that still wasn't good enough. And he wasn't even a good one, so how can I ever expect a real good one to love me?

So I have tested the waters in the post marriage world and I haven't found the warm inviting waters yet. I have dated off and on for the last six months a man who couldn't accept that I am a mother. I know, I know. I should have never started with a man who couldn't accept me as a mother because above all else, now, that is who I am. But he said eventually he would. I, again, am so desperate for the love of a man that I was willing to overlook this. So for six months I have pretended to be something I am not--in more ways than just the mom stuff. We have had some good times, but he has made it clear on multiple occasions that I am not his "ideal" woman, yet I stuck around to keep taking his shit. Why?? Well because occasionally, when it was convenient for him, he paid attention to me and was affectionate toward me. I don't ask for much and I still can't even get what little I ask for from a good guy. Ugh...

As anyone who might be reading this can tell, I am just not in a good place right now. At all. And I am so damn tired of pretending that everything is OK. I keep a smile on my face all day at work (I do actually LOVE my job) and try very hard never to let on that inside I just ache and hurt all the time, but it gets harder with every passing day. I have cried at work at least three times in the last week and that just isn't good. This economy is too bad to risk being seen as unprofessional or anything like that, but there were just a few times I couldn't keep it in. Luckily, one of my closest work friends is the only person who even knew about only one time, but still, just not a good thing to be going on. So I work my butt off all day to make sure everyone thinks I am happy and cheery and doing fine. That is exhausting. And I spend time with my family and try hard to at least not let them realize just how badly I am doing. They know I am not terribly happy, but I don't think they really know just how badly I feel every single day. They don't want to know, I am afraid. They don't know what to do to help me (I don't know what to do to help me) and so they see as much as they can handle seeing. My sister is getting clued in slowly, but she has enough going on that I hate to make her worry. And there really is nothing she can do. That is part of why I am so sad and afraid these days is that I can't figure out what I can do or what anyone can do. It is very scary.

I am seeing a therapist. I am doing what he has been telling me to do. I still feel terrible. What do I do now? I want so badly to not feel this way and I am clueless how to make that happen. I try to pray about it. I try to do things to keep my mind off of it. I try to think through these feelings (my therapist would point out that I need to feel these emotions). I try not to think about these emotions. I just don't know what to do.

I am very tempted to not even post this entry, but I am going to. On the off chance anyone reads this and anyone who does read it has some advice, I will post this. And I apologize I am a dropped off the face of the planet blogger who just shows back up to bitch and whine and beg for advice. I am embarrassed I couldn't stay committed to this community who I really felt privileged to be a part of, but life happened and I screwed up something else, but I need an outlet so this will be it.

I hope I can write again very soon. I hope this can fill part of the void I am feeling.

ttfn