adventures in abbyland

2011-01-10T21:23:00.001-06:00

So I didn't make it to the singles event tonight... Bummer. But I am going to try to attend the Wednesday night activities at Eleanor's school (a local baptist church) this week... I just feel like I'm waiting for God to tell me where He wants me worshipping...
At the superchurch they are doing a devotional about God's vision for us. The first reading was basically that we are all guilty and that God loves us anyways, hence sending Jesus to die for our sins. It got me thinking that part of my hesitation to plug in at a church is feeling guilty that I know I don't lead the life God always wants for me... But clearly He knows I screw up and all He wants is for me to pay attention to Him. So I'm going to try to focus simply on that--paying attention to God.
I'm not going to become the perfect Christian overnight so I need to take it one step at a time. Step number one will be paying attention. Anyone have tips for paying attention?
I've heard people talk alot about hearing God and I've never felt like I heard Him. This frustrates me and makes me upset with myself. I don't blame God that I can't head him, I blame me. I must be listening wrong. So I need tips on that too. How do I listen for God better? Any feedback is appreciated!
Also, this is the first post I am texting in so I apologize for type-os or if this sucks... I'm trying here...

2011-01-09T23:40:00.000-06:00

So I Am going to try blogging again... We will see if I can get back in the swing of it.

Where to begin? Well Eleanor turned 3 yesterday! She is the joy of my life, of course! If I can figure out how to post a pic, I will... So I have had my ups and downs but 2011 is looking up. Part of the downs of 2010 was getting out of an abusive relationship. Besides getting out, the other upside was finding a church home. So in the aftermath of the breakup I started attending a superchurch and dove in full force. It felt great. I found a place that I felt accepted and loved and I could actually be myself. It was great for a while. I honestly know I allowed God into my life. But. There's always a but. I got lazy, I let myself be intimidated, I made the wrong choices and I stopped going. I made excuses... I just unplugged--so to speak. But I've felt the call to plug back in for a time now. I said I was church shopping but I haven't really shopped...

So I am hoping to go to a new single parent event on Monday night. They are starting a new series and I think this is my chance to plug back in. So if you pray, please pray I find my way to that event... Also, the church posted a cool devotional and I may try to use this blog to write my reactions to the devotional. I don't know.

A new day

2008-10-14T21:38:00.003-05:00

Well, this week has certainly been better than last week, but I am afraid I know why, and it's just not healthy.

So at the end of last week, the guy I have been seeing off and on for the last six months sent me what I understood to be a break up email. I was totally hurt and bummed by what he had to say. But I wasn't totally bummed at the prospect of losing my relationship with him, rather I was hurt and sad and scared at the prospect of not having a relationship. In my head I think, "If this guy doesn't want to love me, then who on earth will?" He and I are not a perfect match, but I so want to be in a relationship that I was willing to overlook the imperfections of our match. And I wasn't really at all sad about losing him--it was losing the relationship--any relationship.

During the week before last, I had been balancing the attention of off-and-on guy with beaker from work and loving it. I loved the idea of juggling a couple of guys. Mind you, I was not in a sexual relationship with these men so I don't feel bad enjoying the attention of both of them. But by the end of last week, I had lost the attention of both of them and I was floored by it. Anytime a prospective or current love interest leaves my life I go right back to feeling like a worthless sad little girl who just knows no one will ever love her.

I logically know this isn't true. My therapist gets onto me about saying things like that. I do logically know it, but it just doesn't feel true. Another lesson I have learned in therapy, I don't feel my feelings all that often. I can be very analytical and think about a lot of things, but I don't allow myself to feel very much. I CANNOT pass this on to my daughter. I have to learn how to feel--even the bad emotions. E cannot go through life the way I am. But, I digress...

So why has this week already been so much better? Well I haven't had to think about or feel those feelings of worthlessness and sadness as much. I have been busy. I spent last night at mom and dad's and then talked on the phone to a male friend (who happens to have romantic interest in me, but I am not interested in him) until I went to sleep. I didn't make time to think about whether I am lovable. Then today at work, Beaker asked me to bring him lunch, and even though he is generally a jerk to me, I still did it. It got me positive attention from him. Not a lot of positive attention, but a little, and that is enough for me. Off-and-On-guy once told me seeking a relationship is like my drug of choice. I think I agree. I will take a little positive attention from a jerk rather than have no positive attention from a man with whom I could potentially be romantic. And then my boss introduced me to the cute artist guy who works on our floor who is supposedly interested in me. This just sent me into happy mode... But I don't really see that going anywhere. The guy really strikes me as too effeminate. Maybe it's because he's an artist or maybe it's because I thought he was gay until I was told otherwise, but either way, he's just not the burly manly man type I usually go for... Maybe I don't need to go for the same type I have gone for, I don't really know... But pair all that with the text from off-and-on-guy telling me things weren't over, and I have all the drug I need. Today anyways.

But I realize these cannot be the things that keep me feeling worthwhile. I have to find new ways to know that I am worthwhile. I have to alter my core beliefs about who I am. How do I do that? How do I stop listening to the ugly voices in my head that tell me no one will ever love me? The attention of a man drowns those voices out, but that's not good enough. Here is yet another example of behaviors I CANNOT pass on to my daughter. I have to whip this and I have to do it soon. She is already learning about self esteem and forming her core beliefs right now. I have to lead by example. If anyone reads this and anyone has any books to suggest or exercises to practice to alter my core beliefs, please pass them along to me.

Baby E

2008-10-13T15:21:00.005-05:00

I thought this would be MUCH brighter than yesterday's post. Here is what I get to smile about every single day! Thank God for her. I hope she brightens your day, too!

Or once every six months, but who's counting

2008-10-12T22:20:00.002-05:00

Really, who's counting anyways... Seeing as I haven't written in six months, not only do I think no one is counting, but no one is likely reading...

So in the last six months I have started seeing a therapist and he wants me journaling. I did it for a few weeks on paper, but I remember how much I enjoy blogging and typing is way easier than writing by hand, so I am going to do it here. Today. I make no promises about beyond today.

I think that could be a grander statement about the way I feel about life lately. Wow is it kicking the shit out of me these days. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE motherhood and I LOVE Eleanor even more than I love being her mom, but I am just deep in the dumps and can't seem to crawl my way out... Hence the seeing a therapist. He is really great and I like him, but I have been seeing him for six weeks or so and while I have had some better weeks than the last one, I still am having ones like last week and that just makes me get impatient...

So I have to learn to shed my inner "wounded girl." That scares the crap out of me. That makes me feel like I will soon have even less of a clue about the person that I really am. Well I know who I really am, I am that wounded girl. I am the girl who believes to the core of my being that no one will ever love me. I understand that my family loves me more than a person could ever ask for, but they have to love me and that is a different kind of love than the kind of love I may never have. I don't really understand why I so whole-heartedly believe that I will never really be loved, but I do really feel that way. I had a husband who was far beneath me and should have thanked his lucky stars to have me. I gave of my whole self to him. I changed everything that I am to suit him because I am so madly desperate for someone to love me. I gave him anything and everything and that still wasn't good enough. And he wasn't even a good one, so how can I ever expect a real good one to love me?

So I have tested the waters in the post marriage world and I haven't found the warm inviting waters yet. I have dated off and on for the last six months a man who couldn't accept that I am a mother. I know, I know. I should have never started with a man who couldn't accept me as a mother because above all else, now, that is who I am. But he said eventually he would. I, again, am so desperate for the love of a man that I was willing to overlook this. So for six months I have pretended to be something I am not--in more ways than just the mom stuff. We have had some good times, but he has made it clear on multiple occasions that I am not his "ideal" woman, yet I stuck around to keep taking his shit. Why?? Well because occasionally, when it was convenient for him, he paid attention to me and was affectionate toward me. I don't ask for much and I still can't even get what little I ask for from a good guy. Ugh...

As anyone who might be reading this can tell, I am just not in a good place right now. At all. And I am so damn tired of pretending that everything is OK. I keep a smile on my face all day at work (I do actually LOVE my job) and try very hard never to let on that inside I just ache and hurt all the time, but it gets harder with every passing day. I have cried at work at least three times in the last week and that just isn't good. This economy is too bad to risk being seen as unprofessional or anything like that, but there were just a few times I couldn't keep it in. Luckily, one of my closest work friends is the only person who even knew about only one time, but still, just not a good thing to be going on. So I work my butt off all day to make sure everyone thinks I am happy and cheery and doing fine. That is exhausting. And I spend time with my family and try hard to at least not let them realize just how badly I am doing. They know I am not terribly happy, but I don't think they really know just how badly I feel every single day. They don't want to know, I am afraid. They don't know what to do to help me (I don't know what to do to help me) and so they see as much as they can handle seeing. My sister is getting clued in slowly, but she has enough going on that I hate to make her worry. And there really is nothing she can do. That is part of why I am so sad and afraid these days is that I can't figure out what I can do or what anyone can do. It is very scary.

I am seeing a therapist. I am doing what he has been telling me to do. I still feel terrible. What do I do now? I want so badly to not feel this way and I am clueless how to make that happen. I try to pray about it. I try to do things to keep my mind off of it. I try to think through these feelings (my therapist would point out that I need to feel these emotions). I try not to think about these emotions. I just don't know what to do.

I am very tempted to not even post this entry, but I am going to. On the off chance anyone reads this and anyone who does read it has some advice, I will post this. And I apologize I am a dropped off the face of the planet blogger who just shows back up to bitch and whine and beg for advice. I am embarrassed I couldn't stay committed to this community who I really felt privileged to be a part of, but life happened and I screwed up something else, but I need an outlet so this will be it.

I hope I can write again very soon. I hope this can fill part of the void I am feeling.

ttfn

once a week

2008-03-18T14:06:00.003-05:00

So it looks like once a week might have to be my posting schedule for now... We will see.

I start my very first full-time job on Monday. I am scared beyond belief! I have never had a real nine-to-fiver before, and I have never been really great at having a boss. I know I can do it, I know I have to do it for Eleanor, but I am still freaking out a little.

Getting this job is such a huge weight off my shoulders! Now Eleanor's daddy can continue to be a deadbeat and it won't affect her (financially anyways). I won't have to mooch off my parents for too much longer, and I will be able to support her completely. That is just a relief.

I am excited and nervous about the prospect of moving out of mom and dad's house... I have only lived alone for about six months of my life, and even then I wasn't home all that often. The soon-to-be-ex-husband and I were dating and I spent most nights with him. Now I will be living alone and taking care of E alone. I know I better hurry and get used to that idea because she and I are going to be living alone together for a long time. I hope it isn't as scary as I think. Any single mommies out there have any advice about living alone with your kiddos?

Speaking of single parenthood, I met the antithesis of my husband yesterday in line at the DMV. Now, I realize we spoke for all of 30 minutes and how can I really evaluate him as a person based on such a short conversation, so this is just a first blush impression. But he was a single dad to a 13-year-old and he was just nice and personable and obviously dedicated to his son. He lives in my city and was really cute. I wish I had had the courage to ask for his number or something like that, but I am so terribly clueless when it comes to adult dating. I went from my high school sweetheart to a few casual dating episodes to falling for my husband to now... I know nothing about dating. That is probably a ripe topic for another post so I will leave it to then.

I have so missed the blogging world and I am trying to pop back in on my old friends. I am still mainly lurking because I am embarrassed for my prolonged absence, but I am around again and so happy about it! Welcome back if you have returned to my world (I hope you like the new landscaping--both literally and figuratively). I am working on posting some Eleanor pics... I am not great with the picture parts of blogger so be patient. If you want me to email you a snapfish link with every picture we have ever taken of her, email me at adventures.in.abbyland@gmail.com.

ttfn

I'm baa-aaaack

2008-03-11T14:19:00.000-05:00

Wow, that was quite the hiatus. Alot has happened since my last post. I had to take a little break until I felt comfortable enough to post things about my life again. For my returning readers, you will see I made a few changes and spruced the place up a little bit.

So let me catch you up with some short short stories.

1. the husband was, in fact, cheating on me, and he and his girlfriend (and her two daughters) now live in my house.

2. I filed for divorce as early as I could (did you know you can't file for divorce in Texas while you are pregnant?) and he has been dragging ass, I suspect as a way to prolong not paying child support.

3. I am still teaching part time and enjoying that, but I have recently been hired to do training and documentation for claims compliance at an insurance company. Right now I don't really know what exactly that means, but I know it means a steady paycheck and benefits, which are good things!

4. The pregnancy was fabulous!! I loved being pregnant... In spite of all the drama going on in my life, I was a happy preggo. I am going to post the few blogs I wrote on myspace about the drama while I was pregnant, just to keep you up to date.

5. And this one won't be a short short story. This one is my whole life. This one is Eleanor Logan.

She was born Jan. 8, 08 at 8 p.m. via c-section. She is healthy and happy and just plain fabulous. I am madly in love with her! So, the birth story...

I went into the hospital at 10:30 a.m. Tuesday (1/8/08) and they started inducing labor because they were concerned that she hadn't been gaining weight in the womb. I labored until about 7:30 p.m., but the doc didn't feel like I was making enough progress so we decided to do a C-section. It only took them less than 30 minutes to get me into the OR and get going on getting her... It was a little scary, but not that bad. She weighed 7 pounds 1.6 oz and was 19.5 inches long. Because she was born via c-section (and didn't get the "squeeze" of going through the birth canal), she had a little fluid on her lungs and was breathing a little fast, so she went to the NICU.

Eleanor spent four days in the NICU and was discharged only a day after me. Initially they were saying she might need to be there for up to three weeks, so when she made such a strong recovery so quickly, everyone was impressed! She is just so smart, strong, and beautiful! She started drinking out of a bottle day 3 (which was earlier than they expected) and was immediately breastfeeding--she is an eating champ! The nurses and doctors in the NICU were so impressed that her blood sugars were so stable (most babies of diabetics struggle in their first few days, but the docs said because I had managed my diabetes so well during pregnancy that she did better than most).

So that is how she got here... There have already been so many adventures with her in her short little 2-month life. I know I will be writing much more about her.

So, I just want to try to get back in the swing of blogging. I have so much to celebrate now, I don't think I have to worry about being a "debbie downer..." I hope I get some of my readers back. I cannot say enough positive things about the love and support you all provided me during those hard times. I am so excited to get back and catch back up with everyone. If you can forgive me for dropping off the face of the planet, leave me a comment!

return from the myspace era

2008-03-11T13:28:00.005-05:00

OK, while I was away, I posted a few blogs over at myspace. I think posting them here will catch you up on some of the uglier issues that were in my life...

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

GREAT news about Eleanor

Well folks, I figure it is time to share something positive and not reminiscent of junior high, so here it is...

I see a perinatal specialist twice a week for Level II Ultrasounds--very in-depth sonograms, basically. These guys take a look at Eleanor and make sure she is doing OK. This is all related to my diabetes.

So, at my last OB appointment I asked my doctor about delivering early and he was not all that receptive... So today I asked the specialists about the possibility of delivering before the first of the year and he said it looked HIGHLY POSSIBLE!!!!!! I am so excited!

Now, mind you, this doctor has seen sono pictures of my baby ALL THE TIME! Early in the pregnancy we went once every three weeks, then every other week, then every week, and since about 30 weeks we have been going twice a week. He knows how my girl is doing! He is the one who told us last Thursday that she already weighs 5 pounds! And that was with 6 weeks to go.
He knows how her lungs are developing and knows how she is developing, so I trust him. If he says it will be healthy for all involved for her to arrive before the first of the year, then I am PUMPED! I so would LOVE for her to get here by the first of the year!

So, after all three of my baby showers (yes, I had three, I feel so fortunate!), there were still some MAJOR items I needed to get to be ready for this precious girl. So Mom and I went to Target today and bought some nursery stuff and three different brands of binkies, and I that was about it--THANK YOU to my cousin Whitney, who's gift card purchased these items! Then I went online when I got home and ordered her crib mattress, nursury crib set, extra sheets, and the mobile that goes with her set. It should all be here before Christmas.

Sally sent her crib home with us a few months ago, and she is sending her cradle home with Mom next week! We aren't using a changing table. Sally is also giving us her pack'n'play that has a bassinet attachment thing for when she sleeps downstairs! As soon as we get the upstairs painted (which we are hoping to have done within two weeks), I will be able to put the nursery really together. It is really all coming together and starting to feel SCARY real!! I think this is that nesting thing they talk about...

So, I just wanted to share the GREAT news, Eleanor may be here by 2008!!! :) And, I may actually be ready for her (with stuff at least if not emotionally--haha!)!! There are still some things we will need to buy or that I hope to get for christmas (like the baby bjorn backpack/carrier with added back support--man I hope santa brings this to me--hehehe), but really I think we are set. I am so lucky that Sally and Jared are willing to pass along their kids' stuff to Eleanor! I am so thankful for this fabulous family I have!!!

So, I hope all these thoughts about my girl makes you smile, I know anytime I think about her (which is about every minute or two), I can't help but smile! I can't wait to meet her and see what color her hair and eyes are, whether she has a dimple like her mom, and whether those chubby cheeks are THAT chubby! I can't wait to get to know her (I suspect she has her mother's attitude--UHOH!)! 5 weeks (or less) can't pass quickly enough for me!

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Who’s the liar?

Well, we have news here in hoo-ville...

So, my dad has taken over all interactions with the deadbeat because it was far too stressful for poor little preggo me (or I just wasn't being taken seriously or G would say mean and horrible things to me that would make me cry or something like that... the bottom line is, it wasn't good for me or the baby to be verbally assaulted while trying to conduct business). Dad sent notice to the deadbeat that we would have to start cutting our losses because the deadbeat had gone back on his agreement to pay his debt, provide Eleanor and me with insurance, and pay me monthly payments. What cutting our losses meant is that we have to sell the bike. Now we aren't doing this to be mean or vindictive or anything like that. I simply can't afford to take the huge depreciation on the bike along with the large loan and pay the deadbeat's share of credit card debt plus the atrocious cost of COBRA.

So, my dad, serving as my accountant, did the math and figured out that this was just too much of a financial drain on me and advised the deadbeat that he needed to let us know either if he was going to pay his debt or hand over the bike. Seems pretty simple to me.

The deadbeat actually responded to my dad (YEAH!). This means he is still alive (so Eleanor will be able to seek child support for him). Remind yourselves, dear readers, I had not heard from him in over a month. He changed jobs (cancelling my insurance) without telling me and pretty much dropped off the face of the planet. We were more than a little surprised that he responded, but the deadbeat is nothing if not surprising to this pregnant person!

The deadbeat tells my father that he needed information on where to send payments and that he had repeatedly asked me for this information and I had refused to give it to him. Really? Really? Well, even though some people prefer to see me as the liar, here is yet another example of his lies... I sent him an e-mail outlining which payments were due when for the month of November... I even went so far as to summarize it all at the end of the e-mail saying have money for these payments available on this day and so on. I also attached the statements (every one for each card since I left in July). The only ones I didn't attach were those that weren't available when I sent the e-mail. I didn't get a timely response to this e-mail, so I re-sent it a few days later just to be sure. He responded that he had gotten the e-mail.

So, tell me please, how is it possible to not know where to mail a payment when you have a digital copy of the statements. I looked at the statements. They clearly state where to mail payments to. They include the account numbers to include on the check. They clearly say how much of a minimum payment is due and when. Further, hard copies of one of the statements are still being delivered to his house in Gainesville!??! But, in case he didn't want to mail them, when it came time for the first payment to be due (it was the cell phone bill), I realized it would be automatically drafted from our joint checking account (an account I do not use other than to pay bills online for him). I didn't want an account with my name on it to get overdrafted, so I checked the balance in advance of the drafting to discover there was not enough money there to cover the draft. So, what did I do? I sent him another e-mail notifying him that the draft was coming and that the money wasn't there. No money got deposited and I didn't hear back from him. So, I changed the payment stuff and had it drafted from my account.

Did I mention that he said in his e-mail to my dad that he had deposited money in the joint account but because of my failures to communicate with him the money just sat there?? So, I double-checked and not once was the joint checking account balance enough to cover any of his bills when they were due...

So then the first credit card payment was due. Again, I checked the joint checking account, saw there was no money there, paid the bill myself because it is in my name and I can't hurt my credit any further. No word from him.

Then the next credit card payment was due. Again, I checked the joint checking account, saw there was no money there, paid the bill myself because... Wait, you have heard this before. You get the picture.

Then as you already read about, I had to deal with the drama that was enrolling in COBRA when he failed to inform me of his termination date and my insurance got cancelled without my knowledge. Worry not, I have solved that problem and paid for that, too.

Now, the scary part to all of this is that yes, I have the money right now. I got a school loan, as usual, at the beginning of the year, and I have two jobs. But when I have the baby and can't work, I am going to need the money I had to spend on his stuff to keep us afloat. You see the problem here.

So, needless to say, I was incensed when he would dare lie to my dad. Like my dad would believe him! And to think he told me I was the liar and that I needed to stop my lies?? What did I lie about?

Did I lie about being committed to him until I died? Nope, that was him.

Did I lie about any of my relationships with my friends of the opposite sex? Nope, that was him.

Did I lie about anything at all? Nope, that was him.

He lied to me about when his last day would be, about the insurance stuff, about that he would pay his bills, about our lives. I have nothing to hide, nothing to lie about. My life is fairly boring, therefore I have nothing to hide... I am actually quite content with my life. I am stressed and annoyed with the deadbeat, but overall, I can't complain! I may want the fun I used to have, but I don't want that life, that's for sure! I see, in hindsight, that life wasn't really mine. That life was so not my own that I had to keep parts of it from my family... That should have been a sign, but I was a committed wife, so I stood by him and followed him down his path of that life. That is a life I never want. I allowed him to convince me that the life he wanted was best for us, but I know better now. He told me he wanted a life for us that would be fun and carefree. He also wanted a life that had no real appeal to someone of my education level and upbringing, but that mattered not to him... I have learned. I hope he learns a lesson or two from all of this.

The deadbeat was pretty easily convinced that the life he wanted wasn't with me or with our growing family. I looked back over my myspace messages the other day and as late as July he was still signing his messages I love you and talking about our life together. Then, something changed. I don't know what it is. I am fairly certain, though, he was convinced that our life together was not best for him... Can anyone tell me how a mother could convince an expectant father to leave his wife and unborn child? Can anyone tell me how a woman could live with herself after she convinced a man to abandon his child? I am sad that he was convinced not to love Eleanor. I am not sad that he was convinced not to love me, I am probably better for that, but I am sad he was convinced to leave her, after he told me time and again how much he wanted her!

How sad he is that easily manipulated. He looked me in the eye countless times and said I can't wait to make a baby with you... If my dates are off (there are two potential conception dates), he may have said that to me the night we made this precious beautiful girl (as funny or ironic or gross as this is, with his now girlfriend in the next room)... Others heard him talk of his excitement about making a baby... Maybe he meant practice or something, that is fun for sure, but he knew what our birth control situation was (non-existent) and could have used his own if he was uncomfortable with that. But he told me he wanted a baby. I know none of this matters now, but I just can't believe that he is still telling lies and that anyone could think that I am anything but honest!

This blogging thing is therapeutic for me. I am struggling with a divorce and single parenthood. I imagine most people would understand struggling with that. I think my sadness or struggles are a source of joy for the deadbeat and his cronies. As hard as that is for a normal person to imagine, I am afraid that is the vibe I get. Can anyone suggest for me how my predicament could bring joy to anyone? I have been my fair share of ugly to him, that is true, but only after he tried to ruin my life. I threatened to keep him from his daughter (and I admit now I was wrong to do that), but as soon as I learned from my attorney that I couldn't keep him from her, I started making efforts for he and I to be friends. These efforts were met with more ugliness than I had previously seen! He said some of the most hateful things to me in our last conversation (well over a month ago now). I tried to remain strong while we were on the phone and tried to convey that I am stronger than he realizes and can take whatever he has to hand out. I realize that we have to have some contact in the next 18 years, so I better set the standard now that he can't intimidate or shun me into silence... You would think 5 years with me would teach him that I won't be silent--haha! I have really done nothing to deserve what has happened other than have poor judgment in choosing a husband. Even that I wouldn't undo because it is only though him that I will have Eleanor.

Ah Eleanor! She is the greatest source of joy one could ever imagine! I am just so excited for her to get here! Thanks to her, I will never be alone! Ever! Those of you who know me well know all about my disdain of alone. I can't wait to meet her and start teaching her all about life. I want her to be positive and happy and outgoing and so many wonderful things. I know she will be fabulous! So, that is what I have to focus on during all the drama! She will never have to be a part of this drama! It is through this drama that I can gain strength and be an even better mommy for her! It is strange to me to be filled with so much joy and excitement for her while at the same time filled with sadness and anger for the deadbeat while at the same time filled with eagerness, anxiousness, fear, anticipation, and excitement for the mommy I am becoming! Who knew one person could feel all these things at the same time?!?

PS--next blog I need to talk about the whole last name thing... Lord knows I am getting plenty of opinions about it around here... What I need are facts, not opinions, so if you happen to know the rules about this kind of stuff, prepare yourself to share with me!!

Friday, November 30, 2007

Just an update

Well... So I think I have "dealt" with the insurance thing for now...

I called the company that owned Garrett's Wendy's and talked with them. I asked them to mail me a separate COBRA notification form bc of the situation w/Garrett. The lady to whom I spoke seemed very nice and cooperative.

I think after I spoke with her, Garrett talked to her and asked her not to cooperate with me... Luckily, I didn't really need her very much. I got in touch with Blue Cross Blue Shield and they told me to just keep trying to find out when his company would send them the termination notice...

Long story short, I had to go through hours on the phone with the insurance company and $500-that-I-don't-have later, I am back to being insured... Here's the kicker... I spoke to G about this on Nov. 1. He told me he didn't know when his last day would be or if he even had the job. He said he would "take care of" the insurance stuff. I have not heard from his since. I e-mailed him daily asking what his termination date was, he just ignored me.

So, I go to get a prescription refill on Monday (I had 3 days of thyroid medicine left at that point and if I don't take it that is bad news for the baby so I was trying to be prepared). CVS calls me and says the insurance turned me down. That was my real official notice that he had been terminated and that things had gone through BCBS (thankfully a nice person had already given me a head's up that his last official day was Nov. 2, the DAY AFTER I SPOKE TO HIM ABOUT THIS)... This really lit my fire and by Wednesday I had things worked out...

I think he has finally convinced me that he really doesn't want anything to do with his daughter and that just breaks my heart all over again--everyday that I think about it! I try to get mad (sometimes with GREAT success), but that doesn't change how much it hurts that I was just so wrong about him... I try to just focus on what I need to do to shut out those emotions...

In his effort to make it clear to me that he cares nothing about our well being, he failed to pay any of the bills that he committed to pay that are joint debts in my name... In order to protect my credit, I paid them. He, of course, paid his bike payment on time, but that was it. When I combine the new credit card payments with what I am going to have to pay for insurance, I have to start making major plans for how to make money as soon as possible... I think I will run out by March, if I am lucky to last that long.

Oh, and then there's the bike payment that I will soon assume. We have to sell the bike because of all this financial problems--it depreciates far more than what is being paid off on it and we are already WAY upside down on it, so we (I mean I, me, NOT we, I am not a We anymore) have to sell it and cut our losses... I am so afraid it will get ugly when we have to repossess the bike. That will be his final straw to totally hate my guts and I have already seen the more he hates me the more he runs away from Eleanor so I really don't want him to hate me and her to pay the price...

I know, someone will say she is better off without him and blah blah blah. I know that deep down, and I am also confident she won't suffer from any of this, but in my heart of hearts, I believe G had a good daddy in him and even if he can't love me, I thought he would love her. When he would look at me and tell me how much he couldn't wait to have a baby with me, I believed him. I saw in him the potential for being a loving daddy so I am just struggling to let go of those images.

My dad told me, and I believe him, Eleanor doesn't need a dad, she's got a PaPa (what the other grandkids call my dad). I know that is true. I know she will be more loved than I even know possible. I just need to get these feelings off my chest and my counselor cancelled on me this week... Thank God for blogging, huh?!?

So really, when it comes down to it, I am OK. She is OK. We are going to be OK. Everything in life isn't meant to be easy and I am learning that more every day. I have always been so lucky to have never really faced any major loss in my life and this was my first real encounter with "tragedy." And this isn't really tragedy. My family has scooped me up and has helped me transition to taking really good care of myself. I have a job (for now), and we aren't hungry or cold and won't be. I shouldn't complain at all, I am just dealing with a broken heart and some dead-beat dad issues (Eleanor's, NOT mine!).

I know I will have no problem getting child support out of him. I know she will be loved. I know all that. I feel pretty damn selfish being worried about how I feel, but, again, that is what blogging is for sometimes.

Any of you who have survived a divorce want to tell me when it stops hurting? As much as I am filled with anger and detest-ing for him, I still miss having a husband and feeling loved in that way. I want this pain to go away, and go away fast! I don't want to wonder how he is doing. I don't want to be mad anymore that I am here dealing with all the business issues while he is off having a good time with his girlfriend and his new job and his new friends... I don't want to be jealous of that, but sometimes I am. I know I am getting the good new life with Eleanor. I do know that. The immature girl in me just wishes I had more of a social life (and a romantic life)...

Oh and that is a whole nother issue... I have fabulous and supportive friends here who want to spend time with me and want to give me that social life, but it is sometimes just too hard for me... It is too hard to keep up the happy face for an entire evening out... It is too hard to be around these fabulous women whom I am secretly sickly jealous of bc they have what I want--a happy husband... All the time girlfriends say let's hang out and do this or that, but it is still really hard for me. As much as I hate it, it is safer and easier for me to just hang out with my parents where I know if I sneak off for a cry they either won't notice or won't think it is totally nuts... I can't even address the romantic life part yet. I know I need to be patient and give myself time to heal before I even begin to think about romance. Blah Blah Blah... I just want a little fun...
Well and what do you know, but in the middle of my little pity party... Possibly good news comes over the phone lines... I just got a call from a company here looking for a trainer (trainer/teacher, I can wear either hat)... I explained to the very nice woman that I am having a baby in January, but that I am looking for work after I recover... I so hope when I call her in February that they still need someone! I interviewed with this company right before I moved here and the person who interviewed me passed my name to her... In any event, it sounds good to me (plus I am familiar with the benefits this company gives, and insurance wouldn't really be a problem anymore!)... So, think positive for me. I am going to need a job just as soon as I can get back to work.

There, I am glad I get to end on a happy note. Sorry for the long whiney rant. I am fine. Eleanor is better than fine. I will be better than fine eventually. Thanks for listening to me...

Next post I will try to make a little happier!

Monday, November 30, 2007

Request for assistance

Well isn't this embarrassing!

According to Garrett, someone who reads my blogs tells him everything I say... I have nothing to hide so I am hoping I can use this fact to my advantage (or G is, as usual, lying and he won't hear about this)...

Here is what I need. I have no way of getting in touch with Garrett. He changed his cell phone number and I don't have the new one. I just found out he changed jobs so now I don't even have a work number (or name or anything for that matter) for him.

When he changed jobs, that means Eleanor and I are no longer covered by insurance. As you can imagine this is a scary prospect. I need to speak with Garrett to find out what his last official day with Hoover Foods (the company that owns his Wendy's) was. I need to start making arrangements for Eleanor and me to get covered on COBRA. Please hope and pray that it isn't too late and that we haven't lost this opportunity as I have no idea how I will afford all of our medical bills without insurance!!

So, if you see Garrett or speak to him or have any way of contacting him, please ask him, for his daughter's sake, to please let me know what his last official day was with Hoover Foods. He can tell you and you can pass it on to me or whatever. I just need to know that date so I can work with his former human resources person to get the new insurance set up (if that is going to be a possibility).

All positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated! Eleanor and I are doing fine, other than this little snafu with insurance... I see a doctor every week now and they say she is growing just right. We are down to nine weeks and counting!

Thanks in advance if anyone is able to get in touch with him!

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Fool

Well folks. I am officially made the fool, again.....

I have avoided openly admitted that I have been made the fool, but I think it might have a therapeutic effect, so I am going to give it a try.

When G decided to leave me, I suspected cheating. He adamantly said no way. I finally convinced myself to believe that, maybe because it was easier. I believed him when he said I made him miserable and he hated me. That was easier to believe than that he had chosen some dumb piece of trash over me.

So months have gone on and I have lived happier with the knowledge that I was just a bad wife, rather than the knowledge that he chose her over me. So I come home for a week of work and fun, and what do I find out, but that they have been seen around town on MY motorcycle (I say MINE because my name is on the very upside down title and lien). This just finally showed me some proof that he has, in fact, chosen her.

I suspected he bought a new phone, but he denied it and I believed it. I hadn't seen her number on his phone and he deleted her off his myspace so I believed if they had been f-ing, they stopped. Whoah was I wrong!

I am the fool and have been one for quite some time. We have all seen that movie, where the woman befriends the wife and gains the wife's trust and the wife invites the other woman into their lives. So I did that. Foolishly. I thought I could help this poor sad trashy girl who just needed a positive influence in her life. Her life looked sad and hard compared to mine and my husband wanted me to befriend her so I did. Without many questions.

Finally, I saw that I wasn't comfortable with our "threesome" and removed myself from it, assuming my husband would do the same. What do you know but he didn't. At first he just chose to remain friends with her. But in the end he has chosen to end his relationship with me (and my baby--whom he willingly fathered) and pursue a relationship with her.
Some say it is fear about the baby, but if he has chosen her (and her two little girls), it is not the kid thing.

She told me when I ended our friendship that she would make me sorry and embarrass me publicly. Well, she did. I am embarrassed that I was ever friends with her. I am embarrassed that I was ever stupid enough to let her into my life or even my house. I am embarrassed that I married a piece of shit who would leave me when I am pregnant to pursue that piece of trash who offers him the motorcycle mama life he wants--complete with dirty sexual habits and threesomes (literal sexual ones, not the figurative ones I was talking about meaning she, he and I were all three friends--she will invite other women to bed with them). I know she will be the inferior female who worships him and cooks him dinner and makes him feel smart and important.

I loved him and respected him, but I could never make him feel smart or important unless he felt that way on his own. I worked hard to lower myself to the life he wanted. I stopped discussing things like national matters in my own home because he didn't understand the things I talked about. I immersed myself in his life of bikes and babes and Wendys and UFC and wrestling and trash. I was willing to be his white trash mama, but I just couldn't get white trash enough for him, I guess.

And it sucks that that hurts so bad. Still. I say still like it has been so long. It has been 2 months since I left physically. I think their love has been going on for far longer than that, but my awareness has only been partial until now. I was so optimistic--about my friendship with her and about his honesty. I looked for the best and really preferred to believe that it was that I made him miserable and that I was a horrible wife who will probably make her next husband miserable. I preferred to believe that over the possibility that he just wanted that more than our family.

I am torn between anger and hurt. All those offers people have made to kick his ass now don't sound so crazy. But, I know I am the winner in all this, it is just hard to see that right now. I have to work hard to interact with him only about matters of business. I must shut my heart down when it comes to him. I know that will be hard, but it will help.

He owes me a look in the eye and a confession, but he is a failure as a human being and will never give me that. I accept that. I am sad that he will never--NEVER EVER--have the opportunity to know his beautiful daughter. And I am more sad that he is more bothered that I am going to take his bike away than he is that I am going to take his daughter away. Like I said, failure as a human being.

For those of you who stumble upon this and hadn't put the pieces together as to my move back to Texas and what not... That's the deal. My husband got me pregnant (we discussed this baby and planned for her, she wasn't an accident), continued a relationship with a piece of trash whore whom I had invited into our lives, and left me on my ass. I am slowly recovering. Slowly.
Positive thoughts and prayers for me and Eleanor are always welcome and appreciated. Voo-doo dolls of him are also welcome--haha (just kidding--sort of)...

I love school!

2007-08-23T21:48:00.000-05:00

Well, I have been at work for the last two days, and WOW has that ever improved my spirits!

Yesterday I started with a training session on the course management system at my new campus. That was fairly boring, but it at least exposed me to what I will be using when I get a log in and password. Then, I sat in on the campus newspaper staff meeting and that was FABULOUS! I contributed in a few places and started making my presence known. I think it was appreciated... Then, I worked for about an hour on my syllabus and what not. Then, I went to a book rep's meeting to learn about the online resources associated with the book my students will be using. Then, I had dinner and talked with other faculty, and then we had a department meeting.

At the departmental meeting we learned about resources available at the library and through campus media. We also learned that we have to give a final exam (OK, I can do that). We also learned that we have to take attendance (I learned that anyways, the others already knew)... I am not wild about that, but I will do it. I think taking attendance in a college setting is odd. These are supposedly adults and they can make the decision to attend class or not and reap the rewards or suffer the consequences. It is pretty simple. In my class, you come to class, you can do quite well. If you don't come to class, you can't do all that well. Straight forward, huh? Oh well. So then we called it a day.

Then, I convinced my dad to go celebrate my great day with a drink (for him, not me). We went to a local place and had tons of fun. I competed in a karaoke contest and took second place. That was cool. My mom came up (she had been at a business dinner) and brought her intoxicated co-worker, so that was entertaining too. It was just nice and felt normal to go have a drink after a good day at work (even if it was a virgin mary).

So today I started with a new doctor's appointment... That went fine except I broke down in tears while telling the doctor my life story (as I have named the drama that has been my life lately). I hate crying in front of people... And he asked me if my O.B. was prescribing me anything to keep my spirits up... I assumed that during pregnancy, drugs would be a no-no... If not, I could be open to medicating some of this pain away. Is that wrong?

After the appointment, I went to work and loved it AGAIN! I edited student newspaper stories and did a good job, if I do say so myself. My supervisor took one of the edited storied I had done and showed it to her co-worker and said, "She's one of us..." That was approval right there. I also developed my semester schedule, which was a relief. Finally, I attended new adjunct faculty orientation. That was informative and interesting.

The best part of the meeting was at the end when I connected with another new adjunct who will be teaching speech. I told her my life story, too, and she really empathized. She was very compassionate and even gave me her name and phone number to call for advice. She offered some helpful advice and even promised prayers for me. It was just very nice. It was like meeting one of you guys in real person! It was great!

So now I am home and needing to either get busy or go to bed... I found out at least one of my three classes made and it looks like of the other two, at least one is going to make... So that is good. I am so going to be broke soon, but oh well. I am going to a women of faith conference tomorrow and Saturday with my girl scout troop leader and my two best friends since kindergarten. I am very excited and nervous. Excited because it will be great for my spirits to spend time with these women. Nervous because I am worried what all the faith soul searching will do to my raw emotions... I hope I can handle it. So, before I have to be at their house by 7 a.m. (in nine hours), I need to sleep, pack for two days, take a shower, iron some shirts, and get ready to go... Not to mention get my syllabus ready for next week!

But, blogging did make me feel better earlier in the week, and I anticipate that I won't be able to this weekend, so I wanted to get this in. I hope I can keep my spirits up like they are. I am afraid they won't, and I worry this isn't "real..." Like I don't really feel better and I will get back to feeling so crappy. I hope not, but I have a feeling I will. Think positive for me! I am still seeing the counselor soon. Oh, and I think Eleanor has moved up into the top half of my stomach instead of just being in the lower part... I am probably wrong, but the top half of my belly has gone from being lumpy and fatty to being pretty solid (bulging in both scenarios)... Is it possible she's moving around like that? OK, I better pack or something soon!

ttfn

Nice

2007-08-21T00:31:00.000-05:00

I got a much-needed kick in the butt back to the blogsphere thanks to my great friend Lara. She has awarded me a Nice Matters Award.

"This award is for those bloggers who are nice people and good blog friends -
those who bring good feelings and inspiration. Also for those who are a positive
influence on our blogging world. Once you’ve been awarded, please pass it on to 7 others who you feel are deserving of this award."

I will pass this lovely award onto:

Nikki (who may appear not nice with the occasional f-bomb, but she rocks my socks off and is a sweet heart to this sad little girl).

Major BedHead (my new friend who sends me great support and advice! And she uses words like Mum and I love that!)

JillB (another rock star in my world!)

Mommy Off The Record (she has been supporting me and sharing pregnancy stuff and I sure appreciate it!!)

Stupid American (she has been loving me since long before the blogsphere and she just rocks socks)

Betsy (she even gave me the secret password!)

Ewe Are Here (she always has a kind word to share!)

I want to post the cool picture but I don't know how, so if anyone knows how and wants to tell me, drop me a line!!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So, onto the not so nice. As you know, it was been a WHILE since I have been here. It has even been a while since I have read others' blogs...

Some part of it is that living at mom and dad's has meant that my computer lives upstairs and I live down.

Part of it has been that my sleep schedule has been so fragile that when I get upstairs I worry if I don't try to go to sleep right away I will lose the chance (like I did tonight).

The biggest part of it is that I am so overwhelmed with hurt and pain that I haven't known what to write... I hate to be all "Debbie Downer..." I hate to write whiney crap even though I know yall love me and will support me. I think I am afraid to write too much because I might discover some new painful feeling that hasn't cropped up yet.

But, I know I NEED to. My mom and sister (I think through my sister's prodding because my sister is actually privvy to this address while mom isn't) have reminded me that blogging is therapuetic and will help me feel better. I think I have reached this weird place where I don't really know how to feel better and that's scary...

I went to Oklahoma three weeks ago and had a fabulous time (except for Gma going in the hospital--she is fine now). When I got back I headed to D.C. for a big conference and LOTS of job interviews. That was GREAT! I had five really great interviews with R1s who have jobs I would love to have. I talked with great folks. I got to talk with people from my school and people at other schools. I got to say goodbye to people from my school and that was nice. I got to meet friends at new schools and that was nice. I was on and happy for most of the time I was out of time. I did really well. I think exuding that kind of happiness and cheerfulness kind of wiped me out of happy for a while, because ever since I have been home, I have been DOWN...

Last week I tried to work hard and get my honey-do's done... I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday for a sonogram/Level II Ultrasound... It was very exciting! We (me and mom--see, i have to clarify that and that makes me mad. I don't get to say we as in my husband/the baby's father and I--no, I have to clarify that my mother goes to these appointments with me) got to see the baby's bones--thigh and arm, her nose, mouth, eyes, ears, and spine... That's right, I said HER... We got to see her lack of outdoor plumbing!! As my sister said, we have a Jane, not a John! I was so relieved! I was so scared and confident this was a boy and that I was going to be even more clueless than I am already going to be... But, as the doctor said, today we're going to say she's a girl... He looked between her legs and said, "Well, if some thing's there, it is hidden really well!" So, I go back in a few weeks and he will take another look. This sono was at 16 weeks, so it is still early, but right now, she's a girl!

G knew that I was going to that appointment and that it was about more than just gender determination. This was an appointment for the docs to say that she looks healthy and that my diabetes hasn't screwed her up. He claimed to want to know what is going on with her, and I told him he would have to call me to ask because he needed to show a little initiative. I waited all day to share our news with him and for him to demonstrate in some small way that he gives a damn.

And what do you know, but he didn't call. And what do you know, but it devastated me. It sent me into a funk from which I have not returned. I texted him on Thursday about a financial matter and he asked how the appointment went. Via text message. All casual like. I told him fine and left it at that. He eventually got around to texting me, "So is it a girl like you wanted?" How dick can he be?? He just oozed rudeness and ass-hole in every word he utters and it breaks my heart with each letter. I don't really ever get to talk to him, but he texts occasionally and his texts hurt just as much as phone calls. Is IT the appropriate pronoun for our sweet baby? No! And is it a competition for the desired gender? No! I am happy as long as this baby is healthy. He seems indifferent about this child and that hurts me so badly. She deserves a daddy and he has robbed her of that. Even if he is "involved," that will mean two weeks a year in another state?? That sucks. I guess personifying her with a gender has brought back some of my issues with him...

And I know I can't expect anything from him and I try not to, but it just hurt so badly when he showed his lack of interest. He is a better man than that. I know it. Where did my G go? Where is the man I married? I miss him so much I ache! I just want him to call me and say, Hey, I am sorry this is all so shitty. Even if we can't be together, I love you. Why can't he call and tell me he loves me? Why doesn't he love me? Why doesn't he love us? Why has he gone away? I just don't understand. At all. I just miss him (the real him, not this new ass hole) so much.

Like I said, for a few weeks, I was doing good. That has all gone away. Wednesday and Thursday collided into Friday where I just cried pretty much all day. It was the only thing I could accomplish on Friday. I even cried when my mom had friends over. I went to a concert of my favorite band with two of my favorite people on Friday night and what do you know, I cried there too (of course this band was OUR favorite too, so some tears were expected). I just want to cry all the time. I just want to sleep and cry and that is about it. I am angry about that too. I am generally a happy person, and I miss being REALLY happy. I can fake it like a champ, but I haven't been genuinely happy in a long time and that sucks.

I want to be excited that I have a baby girl on the way. But I was too busy being sad that my baby girl doesn't get a daddy. I think some part of my sadness for that is that I don't get to be a mommy with a daddy. I know that is selfish.

My family thinks I am depressed, and I think I agree. So I have made an appointment with a counselor, but I am not excited about going. I just don't know how that will help really. Writing this hasn't really helped, it just gave me something to cry about... It may have some long-term effect in helping, but today, nothing really helps. I am very afraid of this hopeless feeling. I have 23 weeks to get it together and be OK for my baby girl. I don't know if that is long enough. That is scary. Not only have I always been scared out of my mind about the whole Mommy gig, now I have to be scared to be single mommy and depressed mommy... And this is all before PPD... Yikes! I am just struggling a lot.

And, I feel terrible for putting my family through this. My mom finds me crying daily and just seems crushed. She doesn't really get it that I am not choosing to do this. I feel bad that it hurts her to see me so down. I want to be up, I just don't know how to get there. My sister and dad have even talked about this on the phone--mind you my dad is not a phone talker... I hate it that they are all worried about this. They all feel totally helpless, and they are. I need their love and support totally, but the love that I really want isn't coming and that is the only thing I can imagine making me better. I feel bad because it is like I am saying to them that their love isn't good enough. I know they know that isn't true, but I just don't want to hurt them any more... My mom and dad said the other night how happy they are that I am home. I said me too and my dad said, no you're not, but that's ok. And that's the truth. I still just want to go home. To my home. To my husband and my dog. And I can't. And that hurts.

So, I am sorry this blog is all over the place. I am really hoping I can try to write more because I do think it will help in the long term. Bear with me and sunny days will return... Go read back in my archives when I was in my care-bear world of happiness and bliss. I was smug with my little world of love and fun. I miss those days. I want them back so badly! I know my baby girl will bring bliss and I WILL bring bliss to her. She deserves a happy healthy mommy and I am going to become that. She is worth it. I know I can do it for her... I just need to remember that! Thanks for listening again!

ttfn

PS-I drafted 5th in my fantasy football league and it is time for me to live up to my name--ffbgirl--so hopefully some football stuff is coming. I start work Wednesday with meetings and stuff and I want to write about that too. I want to write more about my conference and the job hunt too.

Big shock, I have been MIA

2007-08-05T23:31:00.000-05:00

I know I keep apologizing for this and I know that at some point what few of you are left will flee for lack of interesting material here at this fair blog, but I at least wanted to check in and give you a quick update...

I have been in Oklahoma with family this past week/weekend... My grandma mysteriously got sick and wound up in the hospital. Me being the pregnant and gross-out fearing person that I am, I didn't actually see her in the hospital, but I at least spent an afternoon in the waiting room... She is still in the hospital but doing better. Prayers and positive thoughts for her are appreciated.

Also while in Oklahoma, my aunt informed my uncle that she is done with their marriage. Hmmm, let me give you a short short version as I want to post on this at length very soon. My aunt and I are very alike. She married a somewhat blue-collar kind of guy who loves her a lot, but who is probably beneath her (similar to me marrying a blue-collar kind of guy whom I thought loved me a lot and is probably beneath me)... I saw their marriage as a hope that G and I would always be OK (before he up and left me)... She has been considering this divorce for a year or so and it has been hard for me to be on her side. I know that is horrible and I should support her and love her no matter what. I do love her, I just hate it that she is quitting on her marriage (of like 25 years). It is not my business and I am judging and thrusting my experiences on a situation that is probably not all that similar, so it makes me feel guilty. But, none the less, that made the weekend less than enjoyable.

I am headed to a BIG conference this week and have TONS to do to get ready. I have TWO (that's right, TWO) interviews set up for this conference with big research one schools. One of the programs just e-mailed me this weekend and I am PUMPED! This school is one of the few with a specialty in my area and other researchers from my research group have gotten jobs there. I interviewed there for their Ph.D. program and didn't get in. The gentleman who e-mailed me about interviewing at the conference is one with whom I had dinner while on my Ph.D. interview and I really enjoyed him. I hope I impressed him back three or four years ago and I hope I can impress him again.

This whole divorce thing is still kicking my ass. I want to boo hoo daily. I try to limit the actual boo-hooing to once a week or so and just have a good cry daily, but it gets hard. It is especially hard after a weekend around a lot of people. I know it will be a challenge at this conference as I cannot mention the pregnancy and WILL NOT mention the divorce... It is just hard to be all smiley and happy all the time when I feel like crap.

I miss G so much it hurts. I ache inside. I just want to go home, and I can't. That is the worse feeling in the world. I know this is home now, but it still doesn't feel like it. I miss my husband and my dog. I miss hugs and kisses in a romantic way. I miss going to sleep with a big guy snoring on the other side of me. I miss waking up annoyed that his alarm is going off and he doesn't even hear it.

I know our marriage was obviously not good, but I sure loved it and it hurts so bad that I don't get to experience it anymore. I just don't know how to cope with how sad this makes me. I try to be positive and just look for the good. I try to be rational and reasonable and accept that I am going to hurt. But how long?? When will I not want to just crawl back into bed every day because facing another day is just a crummy thought? When will this not be so hard?

Oh wait, it is only going to get harder because I have a baby on the way and I will be going through that alone. That scares the crap out of me. I knew I could be a good mom as long as I had G's support and that together we could do this. I know logically that I can do it alone, but it is so much more scary than anything I have ever thought of before. What if I am as bad at it as I think I can be?? What if I can't do this?

And I am still pissed that I have to answer all the questions about being the pregnant one whose husband left... At the lake this weekend I had to tell two different people (basically strangers) at least something about my husband and I just had no clue how to do that. I need to come up with some stock answer, but I am not very good at short and sweet, as you guys know... And I go to a new doctor this week and I am sure I will have to address the father issue there too. I don't want people thinking that I am OK with doing this alone. I am well aware that a two-parent home is preferable. This was not my choice. How do I convey that without giving my life story? And I know I shouldn't care what people think, but I do.

So, this is basically why I have not been writing. I am too afraid it will turn into this--a long whiny gripe fest that no one wants to read. I apologize. If you even made it this far, I thank you for listening to my pain. If you have any advice on dealing, please share it. I am struggling. I am struggling far worse than I really want to let on. I don't think my parents realize that I have not moved forward in any real way emotionally. It is still as painful as it was a month ago. I have gone through the motions and gotten a job and I am looking forward and appearing to be strong on the outside, but inside I am a big glop of mush. And it is painful mush and I don't like it. Sorry again this was such a downer. I hope getting it out of my head will make me feel better, at least. I will try to make tomorrow's post a happier one (Lara tagged me for a meme, so I will do that tomorrow). OK, one last request for hugs and positive thoughts and prayers (last for this post, there will be many more requests like that in my future).

ttfn

Second Trimester Afternoon Sickness?!?

2007-07-26T17:05:00.000-05:00

I made it through the first trimester with no major feelings of yuckiness! Thank God!

I am a wuss and could not have handled daily puking or anything like that! I said God must have known that and spared me.

I have been in my second trimester for a few days now, and I think maybe God forgot or something... Tuesday night we went out for Mexican food and on Wednesday I felt yucky all day long. I attributed it to the Mexican food. So, today, mid-afternoon, I got all yucky feeling again!

And it seemed typical "morning sickness" kind of yucky in that I just felt yucky and certain smells (specifically the marinating turkey breast my mom put in the oven) about sent me to the can... I am so going to be upset if this becomes a daily thing. I know it is a little early to panic and it is only two days of yucky and I shouldn't complain, but I am getting nervous.

Is increased anxiety a common symptom in the second trimester?? The other day I was worried about weight gain (specifically in my butt), and today I am freaking out about afternoon sickness...

Paranoid much?

I think so!

So, don't worry about me, I am just stressing about every little thing. My mom and I almost headed to the ER yesterday because of weird cramps in my tummy (I called the new doc, but because they haven't seen me they can't give me medical advice)... I think I might be focusing my life stress onto stressing about baby stuff... I don't know...

I think I will have to post a belly pic in the near future, but cross your fingers that it can wait until after my upcoming conference. There is a HUGE job fair at this conference and I am NOT telling potential employers that I am preggo (so let's hope they can't notice!).

Sorry for the randomness, I am just trying to get back into the habit of daily (or almost daily) postings.

P.S. Major Kudos to my dad for helping me set up Quicken for all my bills and stuff! He Rocks my Socks!!

ttfn

Good News

2007-07-24T19:15:00.000-05:00

I GOT THE JOB!!!

I am very pleased to announce that I will be teaching introduction to mass communication at my local community college starting in the Fall semester!

The interview could not have gone better! I already have started bonding with my supervisor and she is just fabulous!

I am very excited! I really needed some good news and this surely is! I will give more details tomorrow!

ttfn

Pregnancy Phenomenon

2007-07-23T17:21:00.000-05:00

Part of moving meant I took a look at what fits and what doesn't. Before I moved I gave away five trash bags of skinny clothes. I finally broke down and gave away those size 10 clothes that I moved from Oklahoma to Florida that never fit while I lived in Florida. I also gave away most of my size 12 clothes, seeing as those haven't fit in well over a year. I did keep a few size 12 items that have fit in the last year, but those size 12s fit only after a span on addipex (a wonder drug, btw).

So when I got home and started going through my clothes, I discovered the first casualty of my pregnancy... Wait, wait, wait. Let me give a little back story here...

While on the road, I was noticing that my underwear were not fitting quite the way I like them to. I just thought maybe this had something to do with extended periods of time in the car and my behind just being tired of taking the brunt of the trip...

So, back home and going through my clothes... I have a whole duffel bag of blue jeans to be put away. I decide I better try on my jeans to see what fits and what doesn't. All the jeans in the bag are size 14. These jeans all fit somewhat recently. So I start trying them on, and one by one, I realize that NONE of them fit. And it isn't that my belly is getting in the way. My belly hasn't really grown much yet.

No no! It is not the belly.

It is my butt.

My butt has grown. I have lost weight during my first trimester, but my but has gotten bigger.

OK all you moms out there, is this normal?? WTF??? My butt? Bigger?!? This is just not going to work for me!

So all day today I have had anxiety about getting bigger. I have three pairs of non-maternity jeans that still fit. I have one pair of capri pants that still fit. My t-shirts still fit. That's about it. God please let something in my work wardrobe still fit for my interview tomorrow so I can go in and not look pregnant.

OK, so any have any pregnancy-butt-getting-bigger stories to share?? Please share them. I am freaking out a little that I am becoming an uncute pregnant lady and dear God all I want is to be a cute pregnant lady! Please, just let my belly get round and the rest of me conform to my new shape. I am OK with never being thin, but I just don't want to get fat and gross. (Don't get me started right now on my prospects of never having sex again seeing as my husband has left me and men do not want sex with random pregnant women... not that I want random sex, but that isn't the point here.)

************************************

On an unrelated note, I just got back from CVS where I fell down while my mom and I were leaving. Wow that sucked! They had been cleaning the floors and didn't post a sign and I was in flip flops and down I went. My mom freaked out and yelled at me about wearing flip flops and worried about me and this made me feel bad and made me cry. Then she freaked about the crying. It was not fun. I feel fairly OK... My wrist is a little sore and I will have a little boo-boo on my knee, but otherwise it wasn't that bad. I am a little worried about what falling means as a pregnant person... Should I be worried? Just wanted to share that tid bit...

ttfn

Home (bitter) Sweet Home

2007-07-22T15:25:00.001-05:00

Well, I made it home. I tried to post from the road, but I was just too plum wore out to get it done... Sorry!

So, our adventure went as follows:

Finished packing just as movers arrived on Wednesday morning.
Movers were loading stuff in truck when Dad got to G'ville.
G was actually helpful in packing and directing movers in their loading of stuff.
Paid for a whole extra hour of movers' time because of the two-hour minimum when they only needed an hour to get my crap loaded.
Went to copy place to print, sign, and get notarized our separation agreement.
Got a half-ass one arm hug and mumble for a goodbye (he personifies cowardly asshat more and more).
Went and got Subway with my dad and departed from G'ville without any major emotional breakdowns.
Drove for maybe three hours and decided we had had enough driving for the day.
Found a hotel with a restaurant and free WiFi (see, I intended to post).
Ate dinner and fell asleep by 7 p.m. (I know, sad).

Day Two

After a restless night of me and Dad being awake and asleep, we got up at 5 a.m. and were on the road by 6 a.m.
We drove all day without anything really worth mentioning... We ate breakfast in Mississippi, didn't really eat lunch, made it into Louisiana before 2 p.m., and decided to haul all the way to Shreveport so we could get a little gambling in.
Stopped for the night in Bosier City at 3 p.m.
Gambled for an hour, won almost $50 at the craps table!!
Ate dinner at the buffet and headed to the room by 6 p.m. We swore we would try to stay awake until 8 p.m. We failed at that attempt.
Fell asleep before 7 p.m., woke up at 10:30 or so, stayed awake for four hours or so, and fell back asleep until 5:30 or so...

Day Three

We were on the road again by 6 a.m. with less than 4 hours to get home!!
Crossing the state line between Texas and Louisiana was emotional for me. It just really sunk in that this was really happening. I know my dad was appreciative that I didn't have any major emotional breakdowns on the trip, but I know he noticed the quiet tears as we crossed the state line.
Arrived home and spent most of Friday doing nothing--I did help my dad download music for the firs time, went grocery shopping, that was about it.

So, then yesterday we had movers come and rearrange furniture upstairs and help us unload the truck. That took only 2 hours but cost $250... But, we got all my stuff to fit in my room upstairs and in the garage. My folks can still fit both their cars in the garage along with half of my crap!

After the movers were done, my mom helped me start unpacking. It went fairly well. We got all my clothes unpacked and even got my bathroom arranged. We got my new sheets washed to put on my new bed. The deal with the new bed is this, G and I ordered that bed a few months ago but we never slept on it because the box springs wouldn't fit upstairs in our town house, so we were just going to wait until we moved to use the new bed. We put the new sheets on and then mom started ragging on me about my pillows that they were too old and lumpy. She demanded that I pitch my old pillows and use some of her new ones. Then, she moved on to complaining about how dusty my desk was. She sent me to the bathroom to get a wet washcloth to deal with the dust.

Pair all of her nagging with the realization that our new bed was only going to be my new bed and the fact (although I didn't know this yet) that my blood sugar had dropped dangerously low, I had a meltdown at this point. I just started bawling and I couldn't stop. It was one of those cries that gets going so hard you can't really breathe. Well, my mom got bothered that I was crying and yelled at me more. I tried to communicate with her, but I was crying too hard. Luckily she figured out that I had low blood sugar and got me downstairs for some juice. It was pretty ugly though.

My mom is fabulous and my best friend, but she needs to work on her dealing with my tears. Anytime she finds me crying she asks, "Why are you crying?" Often times, the only real reason I am crying is the state of affairs of my life. There isn't always one specific thing that will set me off, and I think it is OK to just cry every once in a while. I understand that it hurts her to see me hurting, but I wish she would just hug my neck and let me cry without asking for an explanation. I talked to her a little bit about this yesterday, and I think she might be better about it in the future. We shall see.

On other fronts, I have a job interview Tuesday. I had applied at a local CC for their journalism department, but last I had heard they had filled the position. Then, literally as Dad and I were just driving out of town, I checked my e-mail on my phone and found an e-mail asking me if I could interview because the person they had hired had flaked on them. This was really symbolic for me. Here I was leaving my husband and my life with no clue as to what my future would hold, and I got an e-mail asking me to interview for a position that will really work well for me! I e-mailed back and fourth with the hiring professor and in the end, she even asked me to be sure and bring my social security card to the interview. How many job interviews require a SS card?? I took that as a good sign.

Then, when I got home, I checked my e-mail and found an e-mail from a big R1 school asking me to interview at an upcoming conference. This is the first time a school has contacted me about interviewing, and I was really excited about this. This too was a sign from God that everything is going to be OK.

So, please send LOTS of positive thoughts and prayers my way on Tuesday that this interview goes well and that I get the job. I still need prayers and positive thoughts that I get through my life drama too, but this is some new stuff worth talking about, and good stuff worth talking about, so I like that!

I hope to post more regularly now that I am a little settled in. I might take some pics of the unpacking process. I am also working on an ode to my dad. He just freaking ROCKS for so many reasons, and I need to write about that. I will also work on being a better commenter.

Oh yeah, one more thing. A friend of mine with whom I worked on my master's has started a blog. Go check her out: Stupid American. She rocks my socks off! Her stuff is often way above my head, but she always makes me think!

Thank you very much for all the support and love. I cannot really explain how much it helps and makes me smile and feel loved. I so appreciate the virtual hugs. I still need lots of hugs, so these really mean a lot to me. Thank you so much!

ttfn

Packing it up

2007-07-17T00:17:00.000-05:00

Well, I am leaving in two days. My dad is flying out and will meet me at my house on Wednesday morning. I will have already picked up the moving truck and will hopefully have things loaded by the time he gets here. We are taking a three-day drive home (no one day will require more than 6 hours of driving), and Dad is really trying to do his best to make this drive home an adventure. I know this will be a sad little drive for me, so I appreciate his efforts.

G is so done. It breaks my heart every time we interact. I have asked him for hugs and he refuses. I try to talk to him and he tunes me out. He is just done and that hurts so deeply. I don't know if this is his defense mechanism or his guilt or if he really just hates my guts. I think he wants me to feel like he hates my guts. That is hard to swallow.

I am still worried about him. My mom thinks he is on drugs and until today I totally dismissed that idea. Here is why I say until today... He spends extended periods of time in the bathroom. I know, typical male behavior, but I mean abnormally extended periods of time. He got home from running an errand at 10 p.m. tonight. He immediately went upstairs into the bathroom and stayed there for an hour (not an exaggeration). Mind you, he had already had his post-work bathroom visit. Then, he came downstairs (I had asked him to just sit and watch TV with me). We ordered pizza, waited for it to be delivered, and then ate it. Then, he went upstairs again and was in the bathroom for at least 30 minutes. Then he came back down and took the dog out. Then, he went upstairs and went to the bathroom again (this time only for a few moments)... But, what is going on there?? Is he just hanging out in there to hide from me? I don't think he is using his phone in there because I have listened by the door (yes, I am that sad and pathetic). It is just plain weird. I just think he might be going in there and using drugs of some form (non-smelly drugs). Any ideas or clues? I guess the other option is that he is in there looking at his girly mags and do what men do with girly mags. Regardless, it is weird and I want to know what is going on.

So, I leave in two days to move home. My folks are still being amazing. Being here is quite possibly the hardest thing I have done yet. I say yet because I know I am facing difficult tasks left and right in my future. I hope to post once or twice from the road, so keep your fingers crossed that I can get free Internet access at one of our hotels. Please keep sending prayers, positive thoughts, and hugs my way. I need lots of them!

ttfn

Really cool ultrasound

2007-07-12T23:09:00.001-05:00

I had my 11-week checkup on Tuesday. I had my first REALLY cool experience as a mom.

They were supposed to hear the heartbeat, but it was still too early. Instead they did another ultrasound (this is my third so far)!!

This time, the little being actually looked like a human!! It was so cool!! He/She has an identifiable head and legs and stuff. I could really tell what I was looking at on the screen! It was just amazing. As the nurse pushed around with her little scope thingy the baby flipped over a few times, kicked his/her feet, and even rolled over. Oh my God I cannot tell you how amazing that was!!!

I really cannot use enough exclamation points to convey just how cool and exciting this was. It makes me so happy, and I can't really explain it. It is just so wonderful to see this little being inside me and see him/her moving and acting and responding to stimulation. I so cannot wait for being able to feel the movement!

This was such a much-needed bright spot that I will live off of for a while.

So, without further adieu... Here is The Hulk. You can see how the head is on the right in the first two and then on the left in the last one.

Trying to get to the next phase

2007-07-12T22:47:00.000-05:00

I have been MIA for a while. Sorry!

So, I spent the week of fourth of July with my family and escaped from my problems for a little while. My crazy Grandma came with my sister and her family so I had to keep my problems on the DL... It was hard work, but it was also really nice to just pretend that I was happily married and that all was well in my world.

Garrett and I talked on the phone and texted and were fairly pleasant with each other that whole week. I really got my hopes up that when I got home home we would work things out.

Then, the Friday night before I came home, we had another MEGA blowout on the phone. It became clear to me again that he had given up on our marriage. It sent me into heartbreak all over again. I was mad at myself for getting my hopes up, but then again who can blame me...

So, I flew home on Tuesday for a doctor's appointment Wednesday. I spoke to G over the weekend to confirm that he was willing to drive the two hours to the airport to pick me up on his birthday. I offered to call friends to see who could pick me up, and I offered to come in on Monday so he wouldn't have to make the drive on his birthday. He said no to both offers. So, on Tuesday about five minutes before I board the plane he texts me saying he doesn't want to pick me up at the airport and how selfish of me to yet again demand he tailor to my every whim and drive all that way on his birthday. Geez. So, I quickly texted everyone I could think of asking anyone who could make the two-hour drive to text G and tell him he needn't pick me up. I had to get on the plane and turn my phone off, so I had no clue who would be picking me up (if anyone).

When I landed and turned my phone back on, luckily, one of my friends had arranged with G to pick me up. Thank God for good friends with flexible jobs! But really, how rude and embarrassing and cowardly for G to back out of picking me up at the last minute. I was pissed. My folks were pissed.

That night, G stayed at work until after midnight (on his birthday and day off--sucks to be him) and texted me at 12:30 to ask if I was in bed yet. I asked him if that was what he was waiting for to come home. He said it was. I tried to go to bed, but I couldn't really sleep. He came home and I was still up so he went straight to his room without speaking to or looking at me. I tried to leave him alone, but my self control sucks, so I went to his room and tried to talk to him. He refused. He kept saying he just wanted to be left alone. He threatened to leave. I told him I deserved at least a face to face conversation. Finally, I said, fine, just look me in the eye and tell me you quit and I will leave you alone. He looked at me and said I quit, so I went to bed.

Needless to say I was (and still am) devastated. I woke up yesterday with a mission in mind. I had a doctor's appointment (which went great), and I had tons of things to do.

I opened a new checking account. I searched for an attorney. I e-mailed back and fourth with G about the division of our assets and liabilities. I was very productive. Today I made an appointment with my new OB. I got boxes to start packing. I found a moving truck at a reasonable price. My dad and I started planning the adventure that will be the two- or three-day drive home.

So, I am leaving. My marriage is over--whether I want it to be or not. I am looking at single motherhood. I am searching for strength and finding it where I least expect it (inside me).

My family is still being a HUGE support (as they always have been and will continue to be). My mom is trying to get my sister to come with her late next week to help me pack up my stuff. My dad is trying to make me excited about the drive home.

I have started searching for a job at home. I still need to talk with my advisor about finishing my dissertation from a distance--including taking my qualifying exams, defending them, and the whole dissertation process--YIKES!

So, God I hope and pray I can transition into the next phase, whatever that phase will be. There are still lots of unanswered questions. There is still much business to take care of.

Thank you for the support I have been getting. Please keep it coming. I know I am MIA in the blogsphere, but I am going to try to get back more often. I tend to retreat and hide when life gets hard, but that is no excuse.

ttfn

Blessings

2007-06-27T22:27:00.000-05:00

As I face the very real possibility of a divorce and single-motherhood, I also face a realization that I am very blessed.

Right now I want to focus on the good, so I want to send a very big thank you!!! Thank you so much to the following fabulous women of the blogsphere:

**A special thank you to Jill B for posting a whole post about boogers (or oatmeal--yeah, keep telling yourself that it was oatmeal--haha) just to make me smile. I really need to smile a lot these days, so any and all booger (or other gross 4th-grade like substances) stories are appreciated!

You fine women all took the time to send me virtual hugs, and I really need lots of hugs, so I appreciate it.

I really think we are going to divorce. I really think my child is going to grow up with divorced parents. I cannot begin to express the sadness I feel for not only my own loss, but for the loss my child suffers before he or she even gets here.

I really haven't wrapped my head around it all yet. I am still holding out some hope that everything will work out, but that amount of hope gets smaller every day. I am still so torn as to whether to believe he is having an affair. Why won't people who are having affairs just own up to it?? That would make this all a lot easier, I promise. That would hurt, but it would hurt less than this.

Oh, but I am focusing on the positive. So, a little more positive. I am also so blessed because of my family. I cannot imagine facing this without their love and support. My mom and dad have already opened their home to me and my child. My sister is my biggest advocate and she is coaching me to be strong.

She tells me that I do not have to feel ashamed (which I do anyways).

She tells me that I have nothing to be embarrassed about (but I still feel that way).

She tells me that this is not my fault (which I don't totally believe).

She tells me that I am not a failure as a wife (but looking for divorce attorneys tells me otherwise).

She even tells me that someone will love me again and that I will have the chance to prove that I am a good wife, some day (I struggle to believe that too).

She reminds me that I deserve to be happy and that at some point I have to stand up and tell him that I am done (I really can't do that).

My sister has committed to being my birth partner (and here comes more shame and sadness--oh that poor woman in room whatever, she doesn't have a husband. I cried today about how the birthing of a child is supposed to be this fabulous bonding moment between husband and wife and I don't get that).

I know I am lucky to have the strength and love of my family. Especially at this time when I feel more weak and sad than I have ever felt in my life. I was almost smug about how I had never really faced hardship. How's that for a goocher... I am facing hardship. My mom and dad and I cried hard today. They are sad for my loss. They are sad for my baby's loss.

He said he does love me. He also said he has been happier since I have been away. His answer to almost any question is "I don't know."

What is going on??

ttfn

Prayer/Positive Thoughts Request

2007-06-26T15:24:00.000-05:00

As I have eluded to in previous posts, things in my world are bad. I wrote a letter to Her Bad Mother's basement, and I decided to post it here as well. I don't mean to bring anybody down, but writing about it helps me in some way--though I don't really know how.

I am afraid I am losing my husband and I am 2 months pregnant. We have been "fussing" for the last few months, but I attributed it to his highly stressful job. Then, all of a sudden, about 2 or 3 weeks ago, he drunkenly confesses that he thinks about killing himself and that he has been unhappy for three months and he thinks it is because of me.

That was bad, it gets worse.

I tried to be more supportive. I tried not to make him walk on eggshells around me (which he claimed he has done as long we have been together). I tried to do more around the house, I tried not to bug him at work. I tried to support him. I also didn't go out with him on a couple of occasions.

My husband rides a motorcycle, so when he goes out for a drink, I ask that he text me when he leaves the bar so I know he is OK driving home. On one of his out occasions without me, he texted me that he was coming home. Over 45 minutes later, he still wasn't home. I drove around looking for him. I called some friends who had been out with him and it turns out he had followed home his best friend, Nikki. Nikki and I used to be friends, but I ended that relationship a few months ago because I thought it wasn't healthy for me or my family. My husband refused to end his friendship with her, saying they work together (true) and that he shouldn't have to get rid of her. But, this particular night, he hadn't mentioned that he was following her home (she also rides a bike and lives in a shady neighborhood so this isn't unusual) and it was taking WAY TOO LONG. When I found him heading from the direction of her house, I met him back at the house. He got IRATE that I questioned his where-abouts. He said he hadn't even gone all the way to her house, but he couldn't explain why it had taken so long. This argument evolved into another tirade of him saying he is so unhappy.

The next day I discover he has called Nikki several times while he was out of our house and I ask him about it and he denies the phone calls. I tell him the cell phone company must have an error and we need to address that.

So then two nights later, he works until 1 a.m. Once home, he left to go to another manager's house (who happens to live one building over from Nikki) house. Interesting thing here was that he took the car, not the bike, so I couldn't go check on him. He stayed out til 5 a.m. When I called and texted he would leave the room and only talked to me alone. I never heard the other manager. He wouldn't let me talk to the other manager on the phone.

When he finally got home at 5 a.m., he tells me he's done. He is tired of me not trusting him and this that and the other. He goes on and on about he is unhappy and how he feels like I don't care and how if I would put as much energy toward our marriage as I do toward questioning Nikki that we would be better. He complains about how I didn't know he was so unhappy (HE NEVER TOLD ME). He says he can't be with a person who doesn't trust him.

I try to express that I want to fix our problems and that I want to contribute to his happiness. I ask for a hug and he refuses. When that happens, I lose my mind. So, at about 4:30 central time (I live in Eastern time), I call my folks and wake them up and spill my guts that they need to come be with me and give me a hug. That is all I want. I was sad and lonely and scared. Here I am pregnant and my husband has just told me he is done (though he won't expand on what that means).

I go to work that day and have a full day. By the evening, my dad has arrived from out of town. As I am packing up a few things to spend the night in the hotel with my dad, G asks me what I am doing. I had not mentioned to him that I had asked my folks to come to town. When I said that I was getting my stuff together to go to dinner and the econolodge with my dad, my husband looked hurt and sad.

He said, "You told you parents?"

I said, "I had to, I needed a hug."

That was about the end of that conversation. He and I texted and talked on the phone over the next three days while I was finishing my work week. During that week, I asked him NOT to hang out with Nikki. He protested, but as far as I can tell, he complied.

Before I left, I asked G if he would sit down and talk with me so we could set some goals for our time apart. He said he didn't think that was a good idea. I asked him if he saw these two weeks as a little time out after which I will return home and we will evaluate our situation. He said that was how he saw it. I don't like that idea at all, but if he won't talk to me, I can't make him.

Then on Friday, I flew home with my dad. While I have been here, I have been looking at our cell phone records to see when and to whom my husband is talking and texting. I find out he has had two late-night almost hour long phone conversations with Nikki. These conversations have happened after he had told me goodnight.

So, yesterday,

I say, "Did you talk on the phone last night?"
G: "No..."
me: "So what about Friday night?"
G: "No..."
me: "Hmmm, so you didn't talk to Nikki on the phone for 45 minutes Friday night/"
G: "I said NO! This is f-ing B.S. I am so not getting into this right now..."
me: "Well, then we need to call the cell phone company because they are showing a 45 minute phone call between you two at about midnight Friday night."
G: "Well I don't know, but I have to go..."

We text back and fourth a bit and he eventually calls me back. He admits that he had in fact had that conversation with her.

So, now I am IRATE. I have finally caught him in a lie. I have had my suspicions about his relationship with her, but he has said time and again that NOTHING is going on there. I really don't think anything physical is going on, and I just can't make him understand that having an emotional relationship with her is still cheating... I am not crazy.

So, we talk back and fourth and I finally lay it out for him. That he has to pick her or me. That I cannot remain married to him if he cannot end his friendship with her. He says he has to think about that.

WHAT?!?! You have to think about that. Oh now I am overwhelmed. So we end that conversation. I send him a text message that basically says this is bull shit and he needs to be a man and face his responsibilities and that he is married to me and that our marriage deserves a chance.

Later that day he texts letting me know he is leaving work and again that he is home. We talked on the phone a few times that evening and it went well. We talked again this morning. It went OK. I mentioned that I would like to schedule a time to have a conversation about our marriage. He again is hesitant. I ask again if he has talked to her. He says he hasn't because he asked her not to call or text him. I believe him because I saw the cell phone records and there were no calls between them.

Over the course of our last conversation today, he keeps saying he just wants to be left alone. He complains that that is the only thing he wants and I can't give him that. So, I give in. I told him that I would give him two days, but that was it. I told him to call me in two days and have something to say. That he needs to know whether he wants our marriage to work in two days or "I am getting my affairs in order."

It is killing me. I miss him terribly. I want to talk to him. I want him to want to talk to me. I don't want to doubt his every action and word. I really don't think he has physically cheated on me, but he makes that harder and harder to believe.

Our child deserves to have two loving parents together. Our child deserves a childhood like the one I had. I am so sad for my child. I don't want my child to look at me someday and ask why Daddy left us... That breaks my heart.

I am also scared out of my mind. I don't want to be a single mother. I am afraid beyond belief of how hard that will be. I am not an alone person. At all. I know that about myself. I am freaking out here. I can't really sleep at night and I am just sick over this. I know I need to not stress because it is bad for the baby, but I am failing at that.

This is so scary. Please think positive thoughts for me. If you pray, please pray that my husband will realize that he loves me and wants to be with only me. Please pray that I will learn how to better carry my weight in this marriage. Please pray that we will learn to face our fears together. Please pray that my husband will learn that he has to make a conscious choice every day to be happy. Please pray that I will not wind up a single mother. Oh dear God, please just pray that this works out. And if you don't pray, just think positive about all these things.

ttfn

Checking in

2007-06-23T12:40:00.000-05:00

Well, things have not vastly improved, but I am very appreciative of your support and words of encouragement.

Things got worse early last week, so my dad flew out to keep my company and give me a hug. I cannot express how grateful I am that he did that. It also makes me really sad that my life had gotten so bad that my daddy had to fly far away just to make me feel better. But, so is life, I guess.

On Friday, Dad and I flew home and now I am here. I am gonna kick it here for two weeks and hope that time will help G get his shit together. I don't really know. He wouldn't talk with me before I left, so I don't know what he is hoping to accomplish while I am gone.

I don't know much, really. I am just trying to focus on the baby and staying healthy and not stressing. That not stressing thing is easier said than done, but that is my daily goal--not stressing.

So please think positive thoughts for my family--that we will come out on the other end better for all this drama. I will post again this week with hopefully a positive update. We shall see.

ttfn

A celebration of sorts

2007-06-17T02:57:00.000-05:00

Well, I am a craptastic blog friend these days.

Lara (my blog idol) only had one birthday wish and it was for us to celebrate someone else for her birthday.

I haven't done that yet.

As usual, I have an excuse.

Basically, my world is crumbling around me (an no, this is not just pregnancy hormones talking here). I am healthy and the pregnancy is fine, so no worries there. My personal life, on the other hand, is just sucking fabulously. The short short version is that in the last week my husband has told me he is so unhappy he has considered ending his own life, he is just tired of everything, he is afraid I am the source of his unhappiness, and he isn't sure if he wants to remain married to me. I am not ready to really talk about all this right now.

So, seeing as it is 4 a.m. and I am not sleeping (something really important to me and the developing baby inside me, mind you), I was trying to do anything but think and re-think over what all is going on right now. So, I turned to blogs.

I have made it to the Rs in my feed and I had finally been made to smile enough times that I decided I could write my celebration of my blog friends.

Guys, I really needed you tonight. Thank you for making me smile on a day when I wasn't sure I would be able to smile. I wasn't sure if I would smile for some time. But your stories made me smile once or twice.

I have some dark days ahead of me, I am afraid. I will need you guys to make me smile. So thank you!

Lara, I apologize this celebration was so overshadowed by my failures. I will do better for your birthday next year.

ttfn

The Pre-Name

2007-06-12T10:12:00.000-05:00

What is in a name?

Her Bad Mother posted about Wonderbaby's nickname (and no, she didn't post about the nickname Wonderbaby... just go check it out). While reading it all I could think about is the nickname my husband has given the being that is growing inside me. So, I was pleasantly surprised when HBM concluded her post with an invitation for the rest of us to write about it.

That HBM is such a trend setter and I am such a follower, so I am going to write about it here.

The Hulk.

The Hulk? you ask.

Yes, The Hulk (capital T capital H).

So, very early in this adventure known as pregnancy, while G was still in the shock and awe phase, I told G we needed to come up with an a-sexual name for referring to the being because I just don't like to refer to him or her as an it. That just isn't cool.

This strange little request is actually a sort of family tradition, sort of. My mom tells a story that when she was pregnant with my sister they called her Bozo while she was in the womb. My grandpa eventually pitched a fit and said they couldn't call the baby that because it just might stick and that wouldn't be fair... Regardless of the fear this might cause my grandpa to roll over in his grave (OK, he doesn't have a grave but maybe I mean his ashes to roll over in the bottom of the lake in which he was spread), I still needed G to help me come up with something better than it.

At this point in time, I really needed to get G on board, and I was hoping that if he named the being for now that it would help him realize that this is exciting and wonderful and that this is really actually happening. So, I said we need a name for now.

He suggested something even more manly than The Hulk at first, but I pooh-poohed that one. So when the next one was The Hulk, I was afraid if I pooh-poohed that one he would stop playing and be even more out of the loop on this crazy baby thing. So I said, sure, The Hulk will work.

So, The Hulk is growing inside me. I really like the nickname. I am concerned if this child turns out to be a girl that The Hulk is really hard to turn into something feminine, but we will figure it out.

Anybody out there pre-name their child? Tell me all about it!!

ttfn

Teaching advice needed

2007-06-11T21:02:00.000-05:00

I need some opinions here folks...

I teach an introductory journalism writing class during the summer. During the 2005/2006 school year I was the lecture assistant for this class and taught one lab section. I also taught the lecture and one lab last summer.

As the lecture assistant (the person who traditionally is assigned to teach the course in the summer), I already had access to the 12 lab assignments we used during the regular semester. As the lecture assistant I also had created many of those 12 assignments and had collaborated on any I didn't create entirely on my own. So, my first summer teaching the class I recreated the 11 assignments I chose to use in my version of the class. I adapted the assignments I had already helped to create (or had already created on my own). I did use the supervising professor's grading rubrics so as to ensure consistency. I devoted a GREAT deal of time to prepping the course--all 11 assignments, the 6-week's worth of lectures, the lesson plans to be followed by the lab instructor who was on my team, and the course web site. I am not complaining at all! I loved every minute of it and I am very proud of what I have created. It is my understanding that this is what you do when you teach your own course--PREP the course yourself.

So here is the situation now.

The student assigned to teach the Summer B session of the course was not the lecture assistant last year. She did some political maneuvering and got assigned to teach the class at the cost of the lecture assistant from last year even getting an assignment this summer. Now, she is asking me to help her get ready for her class. I was more than willing to send her my syllabus and my weird Excel sheet that has each day's topic, in-class exercises, assigned readings, and coordinating lab assignment. Now, she has asked me to send her all the assignment sheets for the class. She said she was asking me so she didn't have to bother the supervising professor while she is on vacation.

Now mind you, I didn't get anyone else's assignment sheets other than the ones I earned access to through my time spent as the lecture assistant. She hasn't earned that access. I don't think it is fair for me to just hand over all my course material and save her the trouble of actually prepping the course for which she is getting paid to teach.

Am I being childish or selfish here? Do college instructors share their materials freely with other instructors in their colleges? What is the professional thing to do here?

If I do say no to her, how do I politely say no?

I need help people!! What are your thoughts??

ttfn

Scary

2007-06-06T09:05:00.000-05:00

OK, I have really been trying to post something for the last seven days, but I have failed. Yesterday, I was really thinking about why I suddenly didn't have anything to say. I know I have all kinds of things going on in my life, but I just seem blog-stipated so to speak.

Why?

Well, I think some of it is that I am scared to death. To be completely honest, this whole becoming a mom thing is really freaking me out. I know we were trying to get pregnant and all, but now I am just kind of freaking out. I really hope it is all the hormones or something...

Maybe if I write about some of these probably irrational fears, I will feel better. I know everyone is scared about becoming a mom, but I just feel really ill prepared and unqualified for the most important job in existence. I have never really had to do anything hard in life. This is going to be really really hard. I know that. I also know that knowing that will help. But I feel like I need more tools. I need to read more books, I need to take more classes, I need an internship or something!

I never babysat and I was the youngest child, so I am fairly clueless. I am mostly clueless about the newborn stage.

For example, I have no clue how to give a newborn baby a bath. And when do you give them a bath, is there a waiting period? Do you have to wait a certain number of days? Do the doctors tell you this? And do babies get baths every day like grown ups? I don't remember my sister giving her new babies a bath every single day, so what is the rotation?

And what about breastfeeding? I have read all about purple cracked nipples and how horrible it is and how much it hurts and how it isn't easy and how you don't get in a groove with it until several weeks into the deal... But, my sister has said it has always been fairly easy for her. I even asked her about the cracked and purple nipples and she said this didn't happen to her. So this bad stuff doesn't happen to everybody? Is there anything I can do to prevent it? I know this is going to sound horrible, but even still, breastfeeding really does just gross me out, so I am really counting on there being some maternal instinct take over after birth that allows me to share that bond with my child...

OK, so those are my two biggies I guess. I know I will figure out a lot of it. I do know that, but I am not used to being totally clueless and it is a feeling I don't enjoy. From what I hear, it is something I will have to get used to as a Mom. Is that true?

On to pregnancy questions... I am just plum wore out these days. Now mind you, I am generally a kind of pokey sleepy kind of person--not real high energy... But this is out of control. I think I could sleep 18 hours a day if not more. I wake up, go to work, work for a while, go home and take a nap, go back to work for a little while, go home, eat dinner, fall back asleep fairly easily. It is just crazy. And don't even ask about days when I don't work. I just snooze and drink water and diet 7up and occasionally snack and go back to snoozing or kickin' it on the couch.

This is so not working for my research agenda.

I HAVE to write my prospectus for my dissertation before July 10 or so. I also have to prepare for quals. My goal for the last two weeks has been to write my damn method section. Now I am really going to get in gear and get it written this week. If it kills me.

It really might kill me.

I am struggling on a few fronts. I have not totally decided which theoretical questions I will address and how many I can address with the experiments I already conducted. My most fabulous research partner and savior sent me a list of theories she thought might apply to the questions I used in my experiments. Now, I have to go through and decide what I do and don't want to use. I don't know how wide or narrow of a net to cast. My advisor (although I haven't gotten much advice) has said to reign it in, so I am trying to remember to do that. But, this is important to me, and I don't want to half-ass it. I feel like only addressing one or two theories might be half-assing it. I think I am going to have to work a little bit on the lit review before I complete the method section, and I DETEST (and that word really isn't strong enough) literature reviews. I know that is horrible, but it is true. I don't know...

And, my mom is totally on my ass now about getting this thing DONE and done quickly. She asks me every time I talk to her (which is at least once a day) how much I have written on my "paper." First, this is so much bigger than a paper that it is really annoying when she calls it just a paper. Second, I know she means well, but it is annoying. Third, now she has enlisted other family members to ask how much I have written on my "paper" every time they talk to me.

Can you say annoying???

On the flip side of that, my most awesome research partner and savior is actually helping to motivate me by asking me questions about it and reminding me that I am actually excited to conduct research. She so rocks my socks off. She needs to blog (she used to blog, but gave it up. I hope she returns--hint hint). So, hopefully I can post some form of updates here about what I am (or am not) getting accomplished.

So, now that I have gotten off my chest some of my irrational fears and my stressors, I hope to return to a somewhat regular posting schedule. Hopefully yall knew I hadn't dropped off the face of the planet because I was still commenting.

Speaking of commenting, I found a blogger whom I MUST recommend, she is just a freaking rock star. Go check out Mommy Off the Record. She is pretty darn cool!

OK, I hope to post again tomorrow. I have missed writing and I hope you guys have missed me too! Oh, and please add to your prayer list (or positive thinking list or whatever you do) that I continue to not throw up. Just ask once a day for me, please!! I am really hopeful I continue on this path of not throwing up because I really hate throwing up more than the normal person hates it. Plus, it could screw with my diabetes. I really need to NOT throw up, so just add that to your wish list for me, please and thank you!!

ttfn

Teaching and other stuff

2007-05-29T19:52:00.001-05:00

So an update is so long overdue. I know most of you understand that my head is swimming in about a thousand other directions, but after a week of having the knowledge that I am actually growing a real human being inside me, I think it is time to sit down and let you folks know how I have been...

So, first let me tell you a little bit about my teaching. (haha I know you want preggo details, but I will get to that)

I think students who take classes in the first summer session are not as go-getter-ish as those who take classes in the second summer session. I do realize that my class is at 8 in the morning. They seem really pissed to be there at that hour. I am fairly pissed to be there at that hour, but I deal with it, and I don't think it is unreasonable to expect them to deal with it a little better!

Of my 50 or so students, 20 of them seem great, 20 of them seem to suck at life, and the other 20 are somewhere in between. They are learning though, and that makes me happy. They have now submitted 5 writing assignments. They turned in their first into essay and a resume and cover letter. Then, the media writing started.

Their first assignment was two brief news stories with no direct quotes taken from a hypothetical police report. They also had the opportunity to write a practice news story. Those were not bad at all. Some students actually wrote strong summary leads and used the inverted pyramid to organize the information from most important to least important. I was pleased overall.

Their second assignment was a brief news story with information from a "police report" as well as direct quotes from an interview (all info is provided to them on a fact sheet). Some students did even better on those than the first assignment. A few students regressed. Overall, though, I still feel good about their progress. I think they have a basic understanding of the basic news story. They understand how to attribute information. They get it that a fact sheet cannot speak and therefore they must use according to. They see how quotes provide a voice for the story. I am pretty pleased.

Today they had to write a soft lead and follow the feature style for the first time. I saw some really awesome soft leads as I looked over their shoulders in lab today. I also saw some really crappy ones, but soft leads are tough. I don't hold them to really harsh standards on their first try. I am really hopeful that they were able to take hypothetical notes from two interviews and create a story that is interesting and engaging. The only real bummer of today was that two of my best students were not there. One of them e-mailed me before class saying he was sick. The other one sent nothing, so I hope she hasn't dropped. I am letting the guy make it up but I am not sure what to do about the girl... I will probably have to decide that tomorrow.

And then the only other thing worth mentioning about my students right now is the two bad seeds I have seen so far. I think I weeded one out! So, before the semester started, my TA looked over the roster and told me that one of my lab students was in her lab last semester and was a real pain in the bootay. I kind of shrugged it off as problem students for others are something I can usually handle.

Wow was I wrong with this girl.

She had such a piss pore attitude and oooozed entitlement issues. She dropped the class last semester because she had her tonsils out but didn't go through the correct channels to make up her work and so when push came to shove she was going to make a bad grade in the class. She even got her mother involved in the fray!

Her Mother!

So, when she shows up into my class, she gives me this whole song and dance about how she got screwed last semester and how she was making an A up to Lab 7, so she didn't really see the point to participating until we get to the point she hasn't done... Give me a damn break. I very politely tell the student that she has a great opportunity to build upon the strong foundation she already has and because I am a different instructor and that this is a new class she will need to approach it as such--blah blah blah.

She missed at least half of the classes in the first two weeks, showed up late if she showed up at all, and was generally a pain in the ass when she was there. Luckily, she did very poorly on the first graded lab and didn't show up after that.

I don't like it that I am happy she is gone, but I am. I just don't like students who won't help themselves. I have LOTS of students who had to drop the class the previous semester. I am usually very successful with those students. I just don't feel like I owe any one student more than another. I give a lot to my students. I see my classroom as a family environment in which I will give 100% and I expect the same from my kids. If we all work really hard together, we will all come out better on the other side.

So that was my really bad seed. Then there was the asshat (thank you to whoever uses that term regularly in your blog. I can't for the life of me figure out who it is. If it is you, please speak up because it is kind of driving me crazy.) from the back of the room.

So I am in the middle of my lecture. I am randomly calling on students to participate. I got tired of the same five girls (whom I adore) in the front answering every question, so I start calling on the kids in the back. One young man looks kind of out of it, but he answered my question and seemed like he was tuned in.

But.

But, he had one of those blue-tooth ear pieces in his ear. I couldn't help myself, so I had to ask why.

Me: "Are you waiting on an important phone call?"
AssHat: "Uh... No, I, uh, am listening to music."
Me: (a little stunned) "In my class?!?" (pause for effect) "NICE" "So, a strong lead is one that draws the reader into the story and summarizes the most important aspect of the news..."

I am still unsure if I handled that the right way. He seemed only mildly embarrassed, but he hasn't had his big blue tooth thing in his ear since (although I do suspect he has had a smaller earbud type thing in his ear since then).

As a college instructor, what are my options here?? Do I ignore it? Do I kick his sorry butt out of my class? Do I demand he pay attention? Do I do nothing? I wasn't sure here.

But, other than those two doozies, I think this group is growing on me. I feel a little bad for them in that I have been mildly distracted by my new state... I think I am getting it together and will overcome last week's general craziness.

So, my new state. Okay, I admit it, I just am not ready to write all that much about it... But I will. Soon. Just a tease for now, when I do write I will talk about:

my mom and how she is trying to help me be emotionally and mentally prepared should I miscarry... her way of doing this is by being somewhat distant about the little being inside me, calling it a group of cells, saying things like that baby isn't yours until it is here... more on that later.
my husband and his so-called shock and awe phase and how it is lasting way too long for my taste.
these weird cramps that I suspect are related to gas or poop but might not be so they still scare the crap out of me
how annoyed I am that I don't get to see a doctor until June 21
my general confusion with the gestational calendar week thingy... I think I am now in week 6, but the baby was only conceived like 3 weeks ago or so...
how I am going to handle the dissertation and telling my advisor and what this means to my fellowship
my general fears like how I don't even know how to bathe a baby... I can learn a lot of things from books, but I have GOT to find a class to learn some of the basics. I never babysat people. I am clueless! I am so afraid I will suck at this! But, at the same time, I am excited and certain I will figure it all out...

Ok, that will be another really long blog. I tried the short thing, I suck at it. Another long one will come soon. I hope to be able to talk about a few of these things in the near future. I see the endocrinologist tomorrow and the OB nurse Thursday... I will have news after those appointments I am sure.

ttfn

16 things about me

2007-05-28T15:45:00.000-05:00

Okay, I have been tagged twice in one week!! I feel so loved. I still do promise a real post is coming soon. Probably tonight. I still haven’t gotten my head totally wrapped around my new life, and while I know writing about it will help, I am still waiting. But I am going to try tonight.

So, thanks to Jill at So Anyways for tagging me.

Here we go:

16 Random Things About ffbgirl's Growing Up Experiences

1. I was voted on… What I mean by that is that my sister (then 4 or 5 years old) and my dad say my mom down and said we want a little brother. They took a family vote, (I always joke that mom lost—haha) and 9 months later they got ME! My dad swears that he wanted a boy until he got to the hospital and saw the daddies with their little girls and he changed his mind—good thing!

2. We lived in Yukon, Okla., when I was born. That is the home town to none other than Garth Brooks. I think that is Yukon’s only claim to fame.

3. We moved to Bedford, Texas, when I was 2 ½. I only remember living in Texas, obviously, but I sure am glad we moved there! My mom took me everywhere with her—weekly breakfast with the neighbors, bridge, bowling, grocery shopping… We were buds!

4. I met my best friends, Shannon and Amy, in Daisy Scouts in kindergarten. Their mom was our troop leader. These two girls made (and still make) me feel like a million bucks! They are the greatest friends a girl could ask for! They were my friends when no one else wanted to be, and I am forever grateful for that!

5. This one is less fun, but true… In my grade school they didn’t have cooties, they had “Abby germs.” That was no fun at all!

6. When I was in first grade or so, I saved my sister’s life. We were roller skating in the neighborhood. Sally rolled down the driveway and fell. Hard. And stopped her fall with her wrist. She fell down, she cried, I freaked. But I ran across the street and knocked on the door of our nurse neighbor. The neighbor helped Sally and I have forever in my heart known that I saved her life.

7. I had fashion courage growing up. What that really means is that I wore whatever my mom and sister said looked cool. And what they said looked cool was not always the same thing kids in my grade thought were cool. I wore really cool psychedelic stretch pants. I had bell-bottoms before they came into fashion. I had this really awesome vest my mom brought back from SoHo. I loved all this. The kids at school didn’t so much.

8. I took dance lessons from first through sixth grade. I still can’t keep the beat or demonstrate any sense of rhythm.

9. I didn’t learn how to swim until the summer after first grade. The only reason I finally learned then was because my family was going to Cancun and my mom said I couldn’t go if I didn’t learn how to swim. Then, when we got there, I couldn’t even go in the ocean because of rip tides. But man I had fun in the hotel pool! m.

10. I was in Odyssey of the Mind in sixth grade. That was actually a ton of fun! We designed a “vehicle” that was self propelled and then we made up a skit about being in the future and how this vehicle worked in the future.

11. I was obsessed with the Babysitter’s Club books when I was a kid. It really paid off when I found out I was diabetic at age 13. One of the main characters, Stacey McGill, the treasurer, the one from New York, was diabetic. One entire book (maybe No.11) was about when she found out she was diabetic, what the symptoms were, how she dealt with it, and how it was all OK. I was fairly informed about the disease when I encountered it in real life, so it wasn’t as scary as it might have otherwise been.

12. Shannon, Amy (the twins I mentioned above), Shelley (my other best friend), and I spent about two weeks every summer at my grandma’s house from the time we were 8 or 9 until we were 15. It was always a ton of fun. Plus, my cousin is two years younger than us, but he always played on a baseball team with boys who were only one year younger than us… This meant we were always surrounded by LOTS of boys, and we loved that!

13. One of those summers we wrecked the golf cart. OK, let me be more honest, we wrecked that cart several summers, but one particular summer we actually got found out that we had wrecked it. We were so cute that we didn’t really get in much trouble, but my grandma loves to bring it up and bitch about it all the time…

14. My first car was a 1994 Ford Escort. It was mauve. My friends all called it pink. It was five speed and I loved it. It served me well until I rear-ended someone my senior year, then I got my honda. My honda was also fabulous. That sucker served me really well. I drove that thing to death. Literally. I wrecked that car last labor day. Now I have a POS that I am trying to sell. Anyone looking for a cheap POS??

15. I had braces. Twice. Who has braes twice?? The first time was during fourth grade and it was just on my top front four teeth. They were trying to pull those four closer together so as to make room for two more teeth I guess I really needed—haha. Then I survived an expander—yuck—and a lip bumper. This weird little device kept my bottom lip from pushing my bottom teeth in. Then, when all that was done, I got braces. Again. This time they were the real deal, all the way across, top and bottom. I was pretty lucky, though, I got done with them by ninth grade!

16. I wanted to try out for cheerleading, but my mom wouldn’t let me. Later in life she told me she knew the other kids would make fun of me so she prevented that from happening. My mom is freaking awesome!

Oh, I tag jitta and kilgore trout, and welcome YOU to join in the fun, too.

ttfn

I'm it

2007-05-26T13:31:00.000-05:00

Okay, I realize anyone reading my blog is waiting for an actual post and update on my now very exciting life. I promise, it's coming. My head is still spinning and I just haven't been able to sit down and write about it all, but I promise I will.

I swear.

Very soon!

In the mean time, I have been tagged for the first time ever to do a meme. While I know I have done lots of memes, I have never actually been tagged! Thanks Lara, for popping my tag cherry!

So here goes:

So here I give you my list of 4's.

4 jobs I have held:
1. YMCA desk attendant
2. Old Navy and Gap cashier and customer service person (I don’t really know what my title was when I walked around and helped people find their sizes and what not)
3. Waitress at Eskimo Joe’s
4. Teacher (the best job I could have ever dreamed of having!!)

4 movies I can watch over and over:
1. The American President (Lara, I am keeping that one there, I LOVE THAT MOVIE!!)
2. Pretty Woman – Is it wrong that that was my favorite movie at age 8??
3. Cinderella – Gus Gus is so one of my favorite movie characters of all time!
4. Any of the three American Pie flicks (especially American Wedding – who else cried at “Nadia, I am the band geek, I just never joined the band.” ? That is quite possibly the best movie line EVER!)

4 places I have lived:
1. Bedford, Texas, from age 2 to 18
2. Fort Worth, Texas, for those years at Texas Christian University
3. Stillwater, Oklahoma, for those years at Oklahoma State University and the best years of my life—SO FAR (I have a feeling some really great ones are coming!!!)
4. Gainesville, Florida, for these years at National Champ U, I mean University of Florida

4 Categories of TV programming I enjoy:
1. Competition reality shows on Bravo (I even watched Top Designer and I am so NOT an interior design kind of person)
2. Cheesey, aimed-at-14-year-old-girl-shows on WB (now CW) like Seventh Heaven, Gilmore Girls, One Tree Hill, Reba, What I like About You, and Twins (where did that show go, I loved it!)
3. Cop shows (this is a new addition to my repertoire) like CSI Miami and Law and Order SVU… I think I only really like the spin offs, not the originals
4. What category is Grey’s Anatomy? That category. I am so hopeful about Kate Walsh’s new show!! Is Ugly Betty in the same category?

4 Places I have been on Holiday:
1. Stillwater, Oklahoma, is where I have spent the most holidays and vacations in my life.
2. Las Vegas baby!! That’s where I spent my honeymoon.
3. Alberta Creek, Durant, Oklahoma, is where my family owns a trailer at a fishing “resort” (only in Oklahoma do trailer and resort go in the same sentence) and where we go every year for a family fishing trip. I love that trip.
4. Daytona Beach, Florida. Bike Week and Biketoberfest were holidays. I won’t be doing bike holidays any more, but I am just not that sad about that!

4 of my Favorite Dishes:
1. Hamburger stroganoff
2. McDonald’s No. 1—big mac and fries w/a large diet coke – is that really a dish?
3. Chicken broccoli rice cheese casserole (Stouffer’s frozen version is best)
4. Soup (while a rather general “dish,” this is, I think, my favorite category of food)
**I feel compelled to point out the obvious here, I have really white-trash taste in food and this proves it!

4 websites I visit daily:
1. Gmail – duh (another one I have to steal from Lara)
2. Web CT for the class I am teaching
3. Myspace and Facebook
4. Since Wednesday and probably for the next 35 weeks, babycenter.com!!!

4 places I would rather be right now:
1. In Stillwater celebrating with friends and family (can you tell I REALLY love that place??)
2. In Bedford celebrating with family and friends
3. In Houma, Louisiana, celebrating with family and friends
4. Snuggling with the daddy-to-be (he’s at work)

4 other blogger buddies to do this meme:
1. Ali at Cheaper than Therapy (Ali might not know I exist, but I am tagging her none-the-less)
2. Mrs. Chili at A Teacher’s Education (another one who might not read my blog, but I love reading hers)
3. Nikki at Now What the Hell do I do? (I am hoping she will send me some new mom advice, and I at least think she reads here occasionally…)
4. Labor Nurse at The Life and Times of a Labor Nurse (not I really don’t think she knows I exist, but I really like her blog and I really want info from her over the next 35 weeks so here’s a selfish tag if I have ever seen one).
**Another thing I have to point out here, I LOVE the women who share their lives and let me read their blogs. I love them so much that even though most of them don't even know I exist, I consider them my bloggy friends. Is that weird?

And, yes, a real post is coming soon! I swear!

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HOLY COW!!!

2007-05-24T16:22:00.000-05:00

WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!

Very few people actually know, but I am excited so I just had to share with my bloggy pals!! It is SOOOOO early and I shouldn't even be telling anyone yet, but I can't keep a secret for crap.

My Town

2007-05-17T10:53:00.000-05:00

I wasn't tagged for this, but I volunteered for this one. I am not going to tag anyone either (mainly because I have no confidence that more than three people regularly read this thing), but I would LOVE IT if anyone who wants to will play too. Consider it a birthday present to me (that's right, my big fabulous wonderful birthday is Monday--the 21st! woo-hoo I love my birthday... oh right, meme)...

The Rules:

Add a direct link to your post below the name of the person who tagged you. Include the state and country you’re in.

List out your top 5 favorite places to eat at your location (locally).

Tag 5 other people (preferably from other countries/states) and let them know they’ve been tagged.

My 5 favorite places to eat locally:

1.) Harry's. This fabulous little Cajun/seafood joint is pretty darned great! I will say it can be pricey, but it is usually worth it. My hubbie just dies for their jambalaya, and I am pretty fond of the etoufe (crawfish is best). The good news is, there are very few things we have eaten there that weren't great. And we eat there almost once a week, so we have tried a lot of things! It is fairly casual, the waitstaff is generally great, and it has prime-time location--next to Lillian's Music Store, my favorite bar these days!

2.) Dragonfly Sushi. This grand sushi place lives up to all the hype! This is another one that can be pricey, but if you play your cards right, it doesn't have to be. This place's whole gig (so they say) is to encourage sharing and family-style dining. So, the key here is for each person to pick just one or two things off the menu and for everyone to share share share! I highly recommend the Fire Me Up Wasabi Role, Gator Role, Crunch Role, and their cooked food isn't bad either! D'Fly also has prime location in Downtown, so that's pretty nice too!

3.) Conestoga's. Now this is actually in the next town over, but it is worth the drive! This is a great little country dining experience. You can get liver'n'onions (I refuse to do so, but for those who dig that yuk, I hear it's good), fried catfish, big'ol baked potatoes, sandwiches, burgers, and one of the best steaks I have had at a non-steakhouse kind of place... What I mean by that is that my mom and dad did a terrible thing to me and took me to lots of fancy (expensive) steak houses while I was growing up. I only ate fillet before I met my husband (and really still try to stick to that rule), and I only ate it at the kind of steak houses where your steak comes ala carte. So this little country bumkin kind of place didn't seem like the steak place for me, but man am I glad I took a chance and ordered the tenderfoot. It was spectacular!! Bottom line, it's all good there!

4.) Ashley's Pub. Here's the great thing about this place. You can get pub food or tex-mex! I am sure most of you are puzzled at this point, I know it sounds strange. But, when you are a tex-mex addict (which I am) and you are married to a man who detests tex-mex (but loves a great burger), this place is just too great! The only real downside to the place is that you have to pay for chips and salsa, which I think is a crock, but other than that the prices aren't bad, the food's always good, and the staff is friendly and accommodating. And did I mention peach margies?? Oh yeah, they have fabulous flavored margies (on the rocks, though). They also serve regular margies in the hugest glass/punch bowl thing I have ever seen. It comes with a ladle. I am all about mexican food and booze!

5.) **WARNING**OK, this last one is not actually in my town. It is in the town in which I used to live. I include it here for many reasons. If you get the chance to check this place out, consider yourself lucky!
Eskimo Joe's. I don't actually recommend this place because of the food, because the food just isn't all that great. I recommend this place because of the sentimental value it holds for me and so many other OSU alum. I will say their cheese fries (within the first five minutes of arrival at the table) are fabulous--so fabulous in fact that Barbara Bush made Bush Sr. endorse them while he was in office... The other thing you have to eat while at Joe's is a Little Joe. Now all of their burgers are actually great, so you can't go wrong with a burger. But, the Little Joe is a hangover cure in a sac. It is about the size of a McDonald's hamburger, it comes with MOP--mustard, onions (grilled into the patty), and pickles. You can get cheese. It is a very simple little classic. They are grilled on a flat grill (so no yucky flame broiled goo) and they are just great. It might take two or three to really kill the hangover, but they hold a special place in my heart.

Previous players:

Nicole (Sydney, Australia)

Velverse (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia)

LB (San Giovanni in Marignano, Italy)

Selba (Jakarta, Indonesia)

Olivia (London, England)

ML (Utah, USA)

J (California, USA)

CuriosityKiller (Hong Kong, SAR)

Shelli (Minnesota, USA)

Bluepaintred (Saskatchewan, Canada)

Avitable (Florida, USA)

Amy (California, USA)

Luin (New York, USA)

Tense Teacher (Mississippi, USA)

ffbgirl (Florida, USA)

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p.s., I am starving now!!

Much love to Tense Teacher for this fun little meme!

A car pet

2007-05-17T09:16:00.000-05:00

OK, Lara, of Life: The Ongoing Education, has had a tragedy in her world. She has lost her dear friend and pet, Melvin. Foul play is suspected in this tragic loss, but I am encouraging her to move onward and upward.

In light of the dangerous conditions in which Melvin may have suffered, I propose an alternative option for the next member of the family (they really are family members, right?)...

So, here he is... MT, Melvin Two. I think he will be able to fend off Ramon and handle the conditions of their environment. Lara, I hope this helps!

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My favorite day(s) of the year

2007-05-15T12:51:00.000-05:00

THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!!!

I love the first day of school, and I have since I was little! Yesterday was that day for the summer session in which I am teaching. It went fabulously! I am proud to say, I think I nailed it!

We went over the syllabus (which I didn't make copies of and hand out, I posted it on WebCT and told them to print it out at home. Was that bad?), went over the goals for the course, talked about who I am and where I come from, learned about the required materials, and that was about it.

Then today was the second day of classes and it still went pretty well. I did have at least five our of 60 students come to me because they didn't come to class yesterday. I really have a problem with students who can't bother to show up on the first day--call it my own personal pet peeve. I hope by the time I am a seasoned professor, word will get out not to miss the first day of my classes. I am going to find a way to reward those who show up and punish those who don't. I don't know what or how, but I will.

I teach a lab this afternoon, and then the first rotation is over! Woo-hoo! Time really flies in summer sessions.

I am going to end this here because I worry that my blogs are way too long so I am going to try a short and sweet approach. I make no promises, I am a talker, but I am going to try to be to the point. I hope you like it!

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Real Mom Truths IV

2007-05-12T11:27:00.000-05:00

And now for the crowning jewel of the series, real moms do it all.

My mom really has done it all for me. She is also my best friend. I know I can count on her to be honest when I need her to, but I also know she can usually hold her tongue if the situation calls for it. My mom is just amazing.

As I approach putting into words the real mom truth about my mom, I struggle to do her justice. I just know I can’t paint an accurate picture of what she means to me and how much she means to me and just how truly amazing she is. Words just won’t do, but I am going to give it a try.

My mom tells it that when I was little, we were pretty much inseparable. I think that is why I am so at ease in most social situations. Mom treated me like a little person. We were buds and still are.

Remember those yucky years of grade school? Mom was part of the reason I made it out of that ok. She told me the kids were mean to me because they were jealous that I was so smart and pretty. Little did she know that I was self-righteous enough as a little girl to tell the kids at school just that (I found out in high school that this only fueled their fire). She let me demonstrate my uniqueness in how I dressed and when kids were mean about it, she came up the concept of fashion courage.

She encouraged me to pursue wherever my interests took me. When I wanted to be a writer, she told me I could do that. When I wanted to be a lawyer, she told me I could do that. When I wanted to become a journalist, she told me I could do that, too. She taught me that I can be whatever I want to be, as long as I work hard. It is from her that I learned my ideals about equality. She always told me that as a woman I deserve the same rights and responsibilities as any man. She really taught me that I deserved anything for which I was willing to work.

She also ingrained in me my spirit of doing the right thing because it is the right thing. She taught me to be efficient—a lesson learned through putting away the dishes and being told not to touch things twice when I don’t need to. She taught me to work hard and play hard. She taught me to laugh every day. That is one lesson for which I am eternally grateful. My mom taught me a lot of this by setting a good example.

Part of that good example was the one she set of being a good wife. I know I am not the world’s greatest wife, yet. That yet is the key word there. I have heard stories that maybe my mom wasn’t the greatest wife in the world one or two years in, but she sure is now—and has been for most of my life. My mom has taught me a lot about being respectful of your husband, remembering that he is the head of the household, and treating him with as much love and compassion as you would like from him. My mom is fiercely loyal to my dad. She is his biggest asset. That is another lesson she has taught me, to be his biggest asset. Mom always talked about business functions she would attend and how as his wife, she had an important role to play. I try to remember that now.

My mom also taught me the importance of friendship in a marriage. Her dad taught her that if you have two close friends in this world to consider yourself lucky, but my mom showed me that she could always count on my dad for friendship. I think that is part of what makes our family work—friendship. We are all friends and so I feel like we don’t “need” so badly for others to accept us. I really try to make friendship a top priority in my marriage.

At our wedding, I played a special dedication to my mom, Somebody’s Hero. This great song starts out talking about a woman who may never have had a nine-to-five job but has been a waitress and a cook and a taxi driver. The song chronicles the love of a mother who picks up cheerios and kisses skinned knees. It celebrates how this mother is her little girl’s hero. Then the song goes on to talk about how this mother prepared her little girl to be a grown up and their interactions on her wedding day. This verse shows how the little-girl hero-worship has grown into a more mature understanding of the mom and how the mom remains her little girl’s hero. It ends with a verse about the daughter going every day to see her mother in the nursing home, brushing her hair and feeding her. It reverses the roles and eludes to the fact that now the daughter is the mom’s hero.

My mom is still this little girl’s hero.

I played that for my mom and I gave her the lyrics because that song really put into words a lot of my feelings for my mom. I am not sure that she totally got it that I really mean what that song is talking about. My mom really is my hero. As I grow older and I learn a little more about life, I value her even more. I appreciate where she has been and where we have been together. I am so thankful that she is my best friend. She plays such a huge role in my life.

We talk on the phone every day. She understands when I am moody, tired, or even suffering from PMS. I understand when she is moody, tired, or suffering from hormonal changes of menopause. She knows before any one else if something isn’t quite right in my world—often before I even figure it out. She is my biggest advocate and captain of my cheering squad! I know I can count on her for anything—even the little things I don’t always know I need.

If Amy is my mini-me, I am my mom’s mini-me. We are so alike it is scary. We are sensitive but won’t show it to just anybody, we are fun loving but fairly simple, and we are selfish in some ways but so giving in others. Our biggest difference is our roles as sisters. Mom is the big sister in their duo. She understands the ways that Sally protects me because that is what she does for Cheryl. She knows the pains Sally has endured in being the big sister.

My goal in everything I do is to make her proud. I have given her an opportunity or two to be less than proud of me, but she always finds a way to see the good in me. Making her (and my dad) proud is really my driving force to do anything that I have done thus far. The best part of accomplishing anything is knowing that they are proud of me for that accomplishment. I get just as much joy out of calling my mom and telling her I got a paper accepted to a conference as the joy I get out of opening the acceptance letter myself. I have to go far in life. I owe them that. I also know that I can go far in life because they have provided for me a solid foundation from which I can continue to grow and learn.

Oh and her mom abilities. That is what this is all about, right? If everything else hasn’t shown you what a spectacular real mom my mom is, let me tell you a little bit about the ways she has inspired me to be a good mom myself…

She made it seem really easy when I know it wasn’t. I talk about how I know I can be a mom because my mom did it. I really hope that doesn’t come out in a way that makes her look bad. She gave me the skills I need to be a mom, I just know it. She was such a fabulous mom that I think I will be able to handle it—okay, maybe not handle it, but that it won’t kill me. When I say I know I can do it because my mom did it, that doesn’t tell the whole story. I highly doubt I will be able to do it as well or with as much grace as my mom did it, but because of the excellent job she did, I have faith that I, too, can raise some pretty fabulous kids.

So this series was my salute to the real moms who have had a profound impact on who I am. You can probably see that these women have also had an impact on each other. I hope I make each of them proud with this blog (even though I don’t want them on my blog—this is anonymous). I know I have not done them justice with my salute, but this was my best effort.

So happy mother’s day.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms in the world, but especially to these four fabulous women.

Real Mom Truths Part III

2007-05-12T09:58:00.001-05:00

So far we know real moms find a way to make it work and teach the hard lessons. What else does this non-mom know about real moms?

Real moms like you when they don’t have to, when they probably shouldn’t, and when no one else will. While I know my grandma, my aunt, and my mom have all played this role for me, my sister has really been the one who will always embody this truth in my life.

Being my sister has not always been easy or fun, but it is a job I know my sister cherishes, and I am so thankful that she does. I cannot accurately convey just how amazing my sister is. She is the best person in my life. She is that person that everyone likes. She is that person who is there for a friend in need, whether it’s there to pick up the pieces or there to celebrate a victory, or even there to sit back with, she can always be counted on to be there.

She is my best friend. At times in my life when I just knew that no one else even wanted to see my face, she embraced me. As I write this, tears run down my face as I think of the love and friendship she has always given me. I cannot even begin to do her justice with the writing of this entry.

Oh where do I begin? Let me start with her selflessness. She really is the most selfless person I know. When her marriage and family were very young, times were tough. My grandma and grandpa welcomed Sally’s young family into their home and gave them opportunities that have allowed their family to flourish and grow. Although Sally doesn’t live with Grandma anymore, she still lives nearby (OK, let’s be honest, she lives next door now, but even when she didn’t live right next door, she never lived far away). They share a bond and a love that is so strong. I mentioned before the amazing relationship Grandma has with my neice, well this began when they all lived together. But Sally really takes care of Grandma. Sally knows Grandma and understands her in a way that I certainly don’t—and even in a way that, I think, only Sally and Grandma “get.” Just like in your family, moms and grandmas can seem a little odd or annoying… Sally is always the one who can figure out how we can all get along. Sally is the one who likes any one of us when no one else will.

She takes her liking of “the unlikable” to a professional level, in my mind. She and her husband have owned and operated a family game store for the last two years. By game store I don’t mean Xbox and Playstation, I mean board games, role playing games—of Dungeons and Dragons fame--, dice games, and all sorts of non-electronic games. This is where Sally’s ability to like anyone for who they are really shows. We all know the stereotypes of the kinds of people who play D&D… While some of those stereotypes are untrue, the idea that geeks and weirdos play these games is not always far off the mark. But these “geeks and weirdos” of all ages feel right at home in their store. Sally doesn’t treat these game enthusiasts any differently than she treats my so-called cool-kid friends.

They recently announced that they would be closing their store. While this was a big deal for their family, Sally was really burdened by the fact that this community of misfits would no longer have a healthy and welcoming place to gather. She really fretted about taking away this “clubhouse” of sorts for that group in her community. Now mind you, this store has demanded more time and energy than any one person (or two—her and her husband) should devote to anything, but they did it. And Sally did it with a welcoming smile.

I would spend time in her store and just be in awe of the way she interacts with her “customers.” I put that in quotes because Sally treated these people not as sources of revenue, but rather as her friends. She was a friend to people who probably only had precious few, and I am confident her friendship with these people was, and continues to be, genuine (possibly something she learned from my Grandma??).

It has been a running joke in my family that my sister is my “real” mother. Now that joke bears no reflection on the amazing mothering my mom did, but rather is a reflection on the way my sister loves me. She really does love me in a mother-like way. Her love for me is unconditional, and I know that. We are so lucky that our mom engendered in us this appreciation for our sister. I see in my mom and my aunt a lot of the relationship my sister and I have. They are still best friends, and I know Sally and I will spend our whole lives as best friends. Sally is almost six years older than me, and, I guess, when I came along she just took me on as her own.

I will never forget the days of grade school when in my grade we didn’t have cooties, we had abby-germs. I was like the common cold of the elementary school—nobody wanted me. I was so deeply sad and full of confusion about why I felt like I should just “go eat worms” (you know the song). Here was the confusion though… At home, I was a super star! They all loved me and liked me. Especially Sally. She played with me when none of the neighborhood kids would. She told me I was cool, that I had “fashion courage,” and that she liked me. It is amazing to me how deeply unhappy I was in one area of life—that out of the home, yet I was perfectly content inside the home. I really have my whole family to thank for that, but my sister saved me. I cannot really even explain just how important her acceptance and love was and continues to be to me.

I was filling out one of those “about me” e-mails the other day and it asked about a favorite childhood memory. At the time I couldn’t come up with one, but now I remember. I was probably in second grade, so that meant Sally was in eighth. They had some function at the junior high, a play or talent show, I think. Sally and all her cool friends were at the house and getting all dolled up for the event. To this day I don’t know exactly why, but Sally invited me to join them. She dressed me up in this awesome black skirt and white blouse. She fixed up my hair and maybe even put make up on me. She made me feel like the coolest kid in the world. So she and her friends took me with them to this super-cool junior high event. I don’t remember a thing about the play, but I remember knowing I was cool and that I was worth hanging out with. My sister said so.

And now we are all grown up (Okay, I am refuse to accept that I am all grown up, but she is for sure). She is an amazing mother to two fabulous kiddos. Her almost-9-year-old-daughter, Amy, is my mini-me. I attribute this to the influence Sally had on me growing up and how she has that same influence on Amy. Up to now I haven’t mentioned one important characteristic of my sister. It is one thing that makes her unlike me, my mom, or my aunt. Sally has an amazing amount of self confidence. She is doing a great job of passing that self confidence on to her daughter. Amy is bright and inquisitive, she is determined and disciplined, she is fun and outgoing, and she is bossy and sassy. She really is a mix of all the good (and some of the bad) things about all the women in our family.

Sally also has a 2-year-old son, Ethan. Unfortunately, I don’t know Ethan all that well yet (they live in Oklahoma, I live in Florida), but what I do know of him is that he is just an awesome little boy. And he is all boy! He is rambunctious and rowdy and all those boy things that scare the crap out of me. But he is also sweet and loving and kind, and loves his mama something fierce!

While I do aspire to be a mom, I am not really a kid person. Sally is hesitant to let me babysit for too long—I just don’t have the patience. But Christmas ’05, Amy got to spend the week at my mom and dad’s, and it just so happened to be the week I was spending there. We knew it would be a challenge. Amy and I are so alike that we often but heads. I did surprisingly well. And you wanna’ know the secret?

W.W.S.D.?

What Would Sally Do?

That is all I kept telling myself that week, and it got us all through without any major issues. Sally is really great about picking her battles with the kids. She is patient and kind and gentle. Those were all things I tried to be that week. Since then, the whole WWSD thing has kind of become my motto in life.

I have yet to meet a person who doesn’t at least like Sally. Most people adore her. So, I figured she had something figured out that I don’t. So, I really do try to be more like her every day. When we moved to Florida three years ago, I got a fresh start. I was somewhere where no one knew me. I could be whoever I wanted to be. So, I chose to be me—a nicer, dare I say kinder gentler, me. And WOW! It is so amazing to be a nice person. I am so thankful that I can model my behavior after my sister and see that people really respond to that. What’s even better is that now it isn’t really modeling. I am proud to say that I am not all that different from her when it comes to being friendly, positive, kind, and loving!

So real moms like you when they don’t have to. That’s an important one. I am hopeful that G and I will be able to have kids. While I will be so thankful even to have one, I so hope this old body will hold up to have two. I would be so sad for my child to not know the love and friendship that I share with my sister. That love and friendship is probably the most valuable thing in my world.

Real Mom Truths Part II

2007-05-12T09:56:00.001-05:00

So more real mom truths… That is what this is all about, right?!

My aunt Cheryl is probably the person in our extended family whom I am most like. She is outgoing and boisterous, at times unsure of herself, always ready to go the distance, a little lot bossy, and full of fun and joy and love. As I have gotten older, I have really learned to appreciate her life experiences and her willingness to share with me some hard-learned lessons. She is the one I think of when I am fighting hard to tell that ugly little voice in my head—you know the one that says I am unlovable, unlikable, and unworthy—to shut up. She has told me time and again that I am lovable, likable and worthy. I know she means that. She knows what it is like to hear that voice.

She might not always admit it to most people, but she and I are so lucky to share that bond… The bond of battling with yourself to love yourself. I have even learned from her how to “look” like I have quieted that voice. So although she isn’t my mom, she is a mom, and this real mom teaches even the hard lessons.

She has been the one to tell me how it is, like it is. She was the one who looked me and my 14-year-old-girlfriends in the eye and said, “If your first time is in the back seat of some car, it’s gonna’ hurt and you aren’t gonna’ like it.” Period. You betcha’ that not a one of us lost that V-card in the back of some guy’s car. She taught us that we were to be respected. She showed us that men (and boys) should be expected to act toward us and speak to us in a respectful manner.

She has taught me more than just to demand respect from the men folk… She has taught me a lot about how to be a wife. She once told me, when speaking to your husband, you can talk to the king or you can talk to the fool—but you’re gonna’ get the one you talk to. I really try to remember that. Seeing as Cheryl is just as bossy as I am, we sometimes need to remember that rule.

I rely on the many life lessons she has taught me. I hope I can be an honest and frank with my children (or maybe my niece) as she has always been with me. She is brave and strong and smart. I am proud to call her my aunt and my friend.

Real Mom Truths Part I

2007-05-12T09:50:00.000-05:00

I brainstormed about a "Real Mom Truths" post and realized I couldn't talk about real moms without talking about the 4 best real moms I know... Here is part I of the series.

I know a few truths about real moms. I, myself, am not yet a real mom, but I am so blessed to have as role models four of the strongest women this world is lucky to have. These four women have influenced each other—and me—in so many ways that define who we are as women.

So on to some real mom truths.

Real moms find a way to make it work. My grandma is the loving mother of four, grandmother to 12, great grandmother to 11. She raised kids in times that were not always easy, but she found ways to make it work. She has taught us to live our lives in Christ-like ways. When times were hard for her and her family, Grandma did things like taking in ironing and laundry to help make ends meet. She found ways to keep her kids happy and healthy. Proof of her mothering is, as they say, in the pudding… My mother and my aunt are two of the strongest, bravest, most intelligent, and most loving women I am blessed to know. They have streaks of my grandma in them—whether it’s the occasional firey temper or the tenacity and determination with which any new task must be met. These are the kinds of things my grandma has instilled in all of us.

My grandma is selfless. She devotes herself to her community—she is an advocate for the seniors of her town. She is active in her church and finds little and big ways to help those in need. She does these things simply because it is who she is.

She devoted endless hours to helping raise us grandkids, and now she does the same with her many great-grandkids. Her relationship with my niece is one to be admired. They share a closeness that will bring my niece memories and lessons for her entire life.

I, too, will have memories and lessons for my entire life. I am so lucky to have never met a stranger. My grandma taught me that every new person we encounter on this earth is simply a friend we have yet to make. I live by that mantra. Whether it is through my interactions with students or the way I behave at academic conferences or even how I act at biker events. I have friends everywhere, my grandma told me so. My grandma instilled in me a confidence (although sometimes I think of it more as a craziness) to strike up conversations with anyone I encounter. This ability has gotten me things and places in life. I am so grateful to have that skill, and it is one I hope to pass on to my children.

Blog Reader Survey

2007-05-10T04:54:00.000-05:00

Check out my reader survey... I have no clue how many readers I have, but I took the survey and thought it was interesting, so I want to see some results on people who stumble onto my blog. I am a social scientist, I can't help myself!! Check it out!

Please take my blog reader survey!

ttfn

Art or Not?

2007-05-08T13:57:00.000-05:00

I took a bazillion pictures while I was in Germany last summer, and the more I think about it the more proud I am of some of the pictures I took...

But what the hell do I know?

So this is where you come in. Do you think either of these photos have any artistic merit?

If you have any photography know how, did I "do it right?"

If you have no photography expertise, are either of these aestetically pleasing?

Please vote in the comments section.

I was thinking about having the first one (of the flower) blown up and put in a frame for my mom for mother's day... I know I am running late, but while I know she will like it because I took it, will it be something she should display in her house (for reasons other than those that compel mothers to put finger paintings on the fridge)?

What do you think?

ttfn

My Class

2007-05-07T21:46:00.000-05:00

I am going to start teaching in one week!! Woo-Hoo! I am so excited!

On May 14, Summer A session starts and so too starts my adventure in teaching. I have played with the schedule and tried to balance out the two halves of the semester. I also made sure that we will have covered the information needed for each lab, before that lab day. This was a little bit different than last year. Last summer, labs were on both M/W and T/R, with two labs per week. This year they are only on T/R with two labs per week. This means I can cover things for lab on Monday and know that all students will have an afternoon to absorb that information before they have to apply it in lab. Last summer, there were occasions when students on the first day of the lab rotation had to hear a lecture and then immediately apply that information in the lab. I am hoping this set up is better.

I will also have an instructor teaching two of the labs. I had an instructor last summer, too. I am really really hopeful this summer's TA is better than last. Last summer, I had a guy who had never taught the class and who's area of interest was in online media TA-ing. He got the gig because he is chummy with the department chair. This summer, I have a girl who TA-ed the course all year long and got the gig becauseshe is chummy with the course coordinator. I am really hopeful that she works out better. You see, last summer the TA was less fastidious than I am. As such, his lab students had higher scores than mine did. As such, my labs were "harder" than his. My students also learned more. But it isn't fair to his lab students (or from a student perspective, it isn't fair to my lab students). So, I am going to meet with her and talk with her about her philosophy on teaching this class.

I am a little worried about doing that. I know working with women can be a challenge. Especially for me. I tried to be very laid back and easy going last summer. That back fired. I don't want to be all uptight and overbearing this summer. I want to find a happy medium.

This student, I think, is a master's student (at the end of her first year), so she is barely older than the students she will be teaching (just like I was when I started). I want to make sure she is as demanding as I am. I want to make sure that my lab and her labs run in a very similar manner. I want to ensure that her grading and my grading are very similar. Do you think it would be too much to ask her to meet with me for grading early in the session? Anyone reading this, PLEASE PLEASE I beg of you, give me your opinion on this. PLEASE!!!????!?!

ttfn

I am such a weird-o!

2007-05-03T16:41:00.000-05:00

Tator and Tot played this fun game and said I could play too!

So, without further adieu,

7 Weird Things About Me:

1. I am afraid of sewage drains.

2. I prefer to peel pickles before I eat them.

3. I pick up my feet when I drive over railroad tracks--even on the motorcycle (so yes, I am superstitious).

4. I try to avoid getting out of my jammies on Sundays (is this weird or just lazy?)

5. I have a nervous tick-like habit of playing with my jewelry--whether it's the diabetic med-alert charm on my necklace or the clasp to my earrings, I always fidget with them.

6. I blow bubbles in my captn'n'diet coke because it brings the rum up from the bottom of the glass so my first swig isn't straight liquor (I learned this one from my mom who does this with sonic drinks).

7. I have to fold my clothes like I did when I worked at Gap and Old Navy--there are rules to folding jeans and t-shirts and they MUST be followed (I am slightly OCD about certain things, but few of those things are related to house work, so to me this one is weird)!

If you decide to play along, leave me a comment so I can learn weird things about all my readers!!

ttfn

My visual DNA

2007-05-02T13:52:00.000-05:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

And thanks to Susan of Tales of a 9th grade Tuba Player for Wasting Time so I could find this...

More kudos to Lara

2007-05-02T09:36:00.000-05:00

Okay, I know I have posted about her in the past and I really worry that I am going to appear all single white female, but I swear, this is honest to God, from my heart.

Lara, of Life: The Ongoing Education, freaking rocks my socks off! I just cannot say enough good things about this woman! She makes an effort to comment on my blog every day. She is just so supportive and loving and really just an amazing friend to me. It makes me wish we didn't live across the country from each other. It also makes me wish I was a better blog friend to her.

Every morning I go to my email and am always giddy with excitement when I see a new comment from her (I am excited when I see any one's comments, but hers are usually the one that I can always count on to be there... if that makes sense). She is just so amazing!

I know, from reading her blog, she has her own life to worry about (and even devotes time to what her roommate has to worry about), but she still takes the time to send me words of encouragement. She just makes me feel loved and I am so appreciative!!

She is the best blogging friend a person could ask for. Beyond that, her blog freaking rocks socks too! She is such a great writer. She always finds the right way to say things. And she says them in a way that makes you want to keep reading.

My RSS feed has gotten rather lengthy, and, as a result, I have to usually pick and choose which ones I get to read daily and then which ones I catch up on when I have more time. Hers is one in the "must read daily" category. Her writing is just great, and I feel like I am missing something if I go a day or two without reading.

I just want to say thank you to Lara. She is really a valuable asset to the blogging world (and the real world too, but my interactions are limited to the blog world). Her comments are always kind and positive. Her writing is always inspiring. She is a committed friend who takes time to check in on her blog friends. She is just an amazing woman whom I aspire to be more like.

If you read my blog and you didn't stumble over to me from Lara's blog, go check her out. She is a rock star. She is my blog hero. I am just so thankful for her.

ttfn

Trying

2007-05-01T20:18:00.000-05:00

OK. I can't believe I am going to type what I am about to type. That might make it feel really really real. I am actually literally nervous to type it out because then it is something more than a casual maybe iffee we will see kind of thing.

We. Are.Trying.

To get pregnant.

I can't believe it. I have spent the last almost ten years of my life trying to avoid getting pregnant. I used to make conversations about how sex would change if it were being performed for the purpose of procreation.

You wanna' know the really bad part? It took a conversation with my mom and her telling me she is ok with it before I was totally ok with it. I know my sister would just have a hey-day with that. I know I didn't need my mother's permission, but I feel much better now that I have it.

So I have quit smoking... I don't know if you can ever actually quit smoking, but I have stopped smoking. It was a hell of a lot easier than I expected, and I think that was because it wasn't for me. It was for my someday kiddo. They are way more important than smoking. I haven't completely quit drinking, I still have a cocktail every now and again and of course I drank at the bike weekend, but I have already cut back and as we progress that will go away too. This is only the second month I have been off birth control.

G is actually on board too. I thought it would take him longer to get OK with it, but he said he is OK. Last month I was off birth control by accident, but this month was a conscious choice made by both me and G. I happen to know I am ovulating right now, but I didn't share that with G... I am afraid if I tell him that much detail it will freak him out and make it too weird. I think this should just be fun and free for him. I can do the worrying for now. If this takes too long, then he can worry about some of the details with me, but for now, he just needs to enjoy.

So, any advice?? Should I start taking prenatal vitamins? Should I take fertility vitamins? Right now is the really casual not preventing stage... How long should we be in this stage before we move to a more serious stage of actively trying to get pregnant?

Also, I want to thank you bloggers. It is through reading from other mothers who were in the process of the Ph.D. that I finally decided I wasn't crazy to want this now. I have read about other women who could do this, so I think we can do it too. Maybe I am crazy, but I figure no one is completely ready, so why wait. I am really excited.

I even went online last night to look at a fertility calendar. That felt weird to do. Any other times I have thought about fertility was for the purpose of thinking about NOT getting pregnant. I even read about tips for increasing your chances to get pregnant. At other times in my life when I read those tips I would have done everything in my power to do the exact opposite. Lie with your hips up for 20 to 30 minutes after, huh... Before I would have analyzed that and figured out how to do the exact opposite, but not any more and that is a freeing feeling.

So I might not be able to blog about this much, I am just not sure... I hope that the trying part won't last too long. I am quite possibly the most impatient person alive, so you might read a lot about me getting tired of waiting. Oh well... I really want anyone who reads this and has some advice to share it. This isn't something I foresee myself talking about with people in the real world, so my people out in the blog world will be all I have. I hope to hear from you soon!!

ttfn

Bummer of a post

2007-04-30T15:02:00.000-05:00

Unfortunately, my weekend was so crappy that I feel like if I blog about it right now it will just sound like bitching and whining... So I won't.

Instead I will talk about the draft. No, I won't... I am so angry about my weekend and then about the follow up crap from work that I can't really post about anything right now. I am that pissed.

I changed the name of this post three times because I kept trying to come up with something, anything, about which I could blog and not be pissy... I failed. I am a failure. I hope to blog tomorrow about this weekend and what I learned about always being the positive person. I would also like to blog a little about work. And then I really want to blog about my class and how excited I am.

I also realized that I need to live up to the sports fan portion of my blog title. I really am a sports fan. But I am afraid to blog about it for fear that I will sound like a dumb ass. I love sports. I follow NFL, NBA, and college football and hoops. But I don't always feel like I know what the hell I am talking about so I avoid talking about it here. I am going to work on that.

I apologize this post sucked. I hope to be better tomorrow. Of course, I hoped to be better today when I felt so crappy yesterday, but then work happened. So, keep your fingers crossed that tomorrow is a better day. Talk to you soon.

ttfn

Leesburg Here We Come!!

2007-04-27T14:39:00.000-05:00

I am very excited! We are about to leave to go to a bikefest at Leesburg. I decided before I left I would leave you with some memories of Bike Week 2007 so you could know what kind of fun we will be having while we are away!!

The Bobby Friss Band Rocking out at Dirty Harry's! I hope we get to see this band!

Ridin' the loop! I think we are going on a poker run on Saturday so that will be a fun long ride!

This is all the people on Main Street in Daytona... They say Leesburg is going to have between 100,000 and 250,000 so I hope their Main Street is big... I do not LOVE the crowds, so we will have to see about that many people in a place that might not be designed for a bike festival...

And who says bikers aren't friendly?? I love getting to see my husband as happy and relaxed as he gets at bike events. He is so happy when we are in his element!

Plus I LOVE all the time we get to spend together at these things!

So, here's to safe riding, good weather, and TONS of fun! I will tell you all about it when we get back!

ttfn

Catching up

2007-04-25T14:33:00.000-05:00

OK, I am finally back at full speed. It feels really nice to be able to stand up without getting dizzy and to be able to stay awake for more than 20 minutes at a time. I really appreciate my health so much more after a little sickness... What a shock. So, let me catch you up.

Last time I blogged I was at a conference in Chicago, the Midwest Political Science Association Annual Conference. It went really well. I presented my paper and did an OK job. I think I presented my findings in a way that showed their real-world importance while at the same time demonstrated my ability to design a worth-while research project, so that was good. As soon as I got done presenting I high-tailed it to the airport to stand by for a flight to Mom and Dad's (rather than directly home).

My mom had been really sad when she saw me at the airport on my way to Chicago and this made me really sad so I wanted to go home and see my mom. So I did. It took getting bumped off 5 flights and flying through severe weather, but I got there. At one point during the flight, the pilot came over the PA and said that they had evacuated the control tower at the airport and they had no one to communicate with... That was a little scary. But I got home, and that was NICE!

I initially thought I would just spend the night at Mom and Dad's and then fly home on Sunday, so on Saturday I went to golf with my mom... In 30 degree weather. Let me tell you, that sucked. I loved getting to spend time with my mom and all, but it was too damn cold. I didn't have a thick coat or gloves or anything and it was just nasty cold. After riding around in the cart for 9 holes, I went back to the clubhouse and played sudoku.

So then Sunday I called the hubby and asked him if he minded if I stayed a little longer. He said he didn't mind, so I stayed. It was fabulous!! Sunday we didn't do much at all and that was just fine with me. We played cards and cooked and hung out. Those are so my favorite kind of days at home.

Mom and I drove to see my aunt and my sister on Monday. My aunt has been married for almost 25 years and is getting a divorce. And a boob job. This all seems very strange to me. No one in my family gets divorced. We just don't do that. Until now. That really scares me. My aunt and uncle were a kind of role model for me and G... My aunt is an accountant while her husband works construction. I am going to be a college professor and my husband manages a restaurant. While restaurant management and construction are not exactly the same thing, I still feel like there is a big difference in the kind of work I will do and the work my husband does. Sometimes I worry that will be a problem for us. My aunt always made more money, I assume I will eventually make more money. I kind of felt like if they could make it work with all their differences then we can make it work with all our differences. And I still know we can make it work because we have a great marriage, but their story still scares me and makes me sad.

So the whole trip to see my aunt and my sister was ALL ABOUT my aunt. I understand that she has crisis going on and what not, but it was kind of a crappy trip. We shopped (which I hate to do), and shopped at a foo-foo boutique place (which I REALLY hate to do)... We talked and talked and talked about my aunt. We didn't get to catch up and talk to each other at all. My big sister has stuff going on in her life too and I think she could have used the opportunity to talk about what she has going on, but NOOOO, we had to talk all about my aunt. This bugged me. Does it show??

We drove back from the trip and Mom and I talked and talked and that was great. We talked quite a bit about me having kids. Surprisingly, my mom is on board and ready whenever I am for me to have kids. You see, I have always thought no matter when I get pregnant my mom will see this as a bad thing, but I was wrong. She is excited and thinks I am ready. I am so afraid I won't be able to get pregnant. We talked all about this and I cried and cried. I am so afraid that my disease will keep me from being able to have a baby. I am terrified that if I wait until I done with school and settled into my career, it will be too late and my body won't be able to handle it. G wants us to wait a little while, but he doesn't get it that I have a finite amount of time during which my body will still be able to handle child bearing. He thinks we can do this just whenever... We can't.

So, here is what my plan is. I am going to spend all summer getting my body really healthy. I am going to lose weight. I am going to quit smoking. I am going to cut back on caffeine. I am going to get my diabetes under control. I am going to do all of this in an effort to demonstrate to G just how serious I am about this. He might come around. If he doesn't, what can it hurt for me to get healthy? I will just have my body healthy longer before I get pregnant, and that isn't at all a bad thing... I will keep you posted as to how all that is going...

So then I spent one more day with Mom and Dad and then I came home. I came home and got sick... I am not sure if the sickness was caused by the airplanes or the cold weather or the lack of sleep or what, but WOW what a cold/flu thing. I won't go into details other than that I had a fever and body aches. I have never before had body aches. Those suck.

Now I am all better and back in the swing of things. We are going to Leesburg this weekend for a bike fest, and that will be fun. We are going with our "friends" so we will see how that goes. I am going to try to do a Thursday Thirteen tomorrow. I hope I haven't lost the few readers I had gained with my little disappearing act!! If I lost you, please come back! I will try really hard to be consistent. My goal is still to post every Monday through Thursday. I am back in action now!!

ttfn

Update... getting better slowly

2007-04-23T18:36:00.000-05:00

OK, I am slowly getting better. Today is the first day I have been on the computer since Thursday... BOO! Being diabetic, it takes me a little longer to heal than the average bear... I hope to be back at full speed tomorrow and then I will tell all of you all about my trip home, seeing my sister, my aunt's divorce drama, how much being sick sucks, and I think that will cover my first day's back post. I really miss my blog and reading the blogs to which I subscribe!! I can't wait to feel good enough to focus on something for longer than five minutes.

ttfn

I'm siiick...

2007-04-19T09:37:00.000-05:00

OK, I am a slacker blogger and didn't blog while I was at my mom and dad's and now I think I have the flu. I am still going to try to do a thursday 13 later today... I just wanted to let you know, in case you were worried about me. I am ok, just fell off the blogging wagon for a few days. I will be back, I promise.

Friends or something like that...

2007-04-16T01:15:00.000-05:00

In general, I feel so fortunate when I think about the friends that G and I have. We have some spectacular friends. Our friends generally go out of their way to be kind to us. Most of them. Most of the time.

But lately, G and I have been getting our feelings hurt by our friends, and I just don't know what to do about it.

G and I generally do most social things to which we are invited. Even when that means changing our plans that are usually cheaper and mean that we get to spend quality time together. We are usually somewhat amiable to do whatever the group wants to do. Our friends used to be that way, but lately not so much.

Just this weekend, while I was out of town, I talked to G while he was at our favorite bar, and I was shocked to find out that our friends had totally blown him off at the bar. He walked in, said hey, went to get his drink, socialized, the usual... The friends never made an attempt to spend time with him. I, being the overbearing wife that I am, even went so far as to ask the friends (via text) why they weren't talking to him, and they acted like, "oh, no big deal... We said hi as he walked in, but because he didn't run back to sit with us, we blew him off..." I am sure this hurt my feelings more than G's, but deep down it hurt his feelings too. And then there was the orange and blue game...

I posted a bulletin on the "gang's" page early last week asking about the game. Everybody was in except for one guy who had work to do... Then I went out of town, I assumed the plans would go ahead without me. But, on Friday night, the friends informed G that worker-guy had invited the other friends to go with him, leaving G in the cold for the game... Then when the others left in town for the game decided to go, they didn't call G and invite him until it was too late. He said he didn't want to meet them at the game and then play the game of trying to figure out where to meet up. That, again, hurt his feelings. He didn't say this out loud--as men don't really say things like that--but I knew he was hurt.

We have been going through things like this a lot lately. It has gotten to where if we don't do what "the cool kids" want to do, then they are ok with doing it without us. No compromise. It's their way or the highway. I just don't get that. We change our plans a lot to be with them, but they won't do that for us.

We have even found a new bar, closer to the house, cheaper prices, entertainment we like, but they aren't interested because this bar is beer only... Mind you, they drink beer occasionally but are usually liquor people. They complain about how much money they spend at our bar on those liquor drinks, so you would think that occasionally drinking beer and spending less money would be a good thing. I think if this had been their idea it would be ok...

Oh and the dinner thing... We all go out to eat a lot. We all need to save money. So when we invite worker boy to dinner, he often says he needs to save cash. But twice in the last month he has gone to dinner with another friend at a very expensive restaurant. When they invited us to this place, we said, no, we can't afford it. But they still go there... I even invited them over when I cooked, but they didn't want to come.

This really hurts my feelings and I don't know what to do about it other than just try not to let it bother me and appreciate the friends I have who don't hurt my feelings... But it still hurts my feelings.

Worker boy used to be our best friend. But, now that I think about it, he was our best friend when he needed us. He got his heart broken around new year's and for the first two months of the year we texted on a daily basis, went out for drinks at least three nights a week, rode bikes together every weekend, and really spent a lot of time together. Then, the one who broke his heart came back to him and now we are left in the cold.

I have tried to talk to him about it, but it hasn't seemed to work. The first few times I talked to him about it, he seemed to try to make an effort for a while. The last few times I talked to him about it, he hasn't really made an effort. I know I just need to give up. That is what G tells me to do.

It really hurts me feelings when all this goes on. It really hurts my feelings when they upset G. But it really makes me angry when they hurt G's feelings. He is the best friend a person could ever wish for! He is loyal and caring and would die for his friends. And these people are just throwing that away, and it makes me sad. And angry. I don't know what to do about it, so I am just writing to let out some of my frustrations. I hope I am just overreacting and that soon everything will be back to normal. But I am also afraid that they are going to piss G off to the point that he won't want everything to go back to normal...

I don't know... I am just going to end this by saying thank you. Thank you to the real friends that I have. Thank you to the people who don't care where we go or what we want to do, they just want to spend time with us. Thank you to the friends who need us. Thank you to the friends who accept us for who we are--geeky or fun or cool or none of the above. They just love us for us.

ttfn

oh and p.s. I wrote this for my myspace blog so I didn't even get into what my "friends" in the blog world mean to me. I really didn't even realize what a role this whole blogging thing would mean for me. I can't begin to describe what joy this brings to me. I love when I open up my gmail and see that I have comments on my blog. I love it that I feel like I really know people out in the blogsphere--even though I don't know the first names of most of them. I love it that I get to laugh out loud when I really need to laugh. This outlet for me has come to be a lot more than an exercise in writing... It really hit me while I was home with my parents this weekend just how big of a part in my life this blog really is. My parents have heard more about the blogs I read and their stories than about any of the "friends" I wrote about in the above post. Thank you my bloggy friends. You guys really mean a lot to me. I realize now that yall help me feel like I am not alone. The people who send me comments help me remember that I am likable and worth something. I really appreciate that more than I can express.

ttfn for real this time

Thursday Thirteen

2007-04-13T01:22:00.000-05:00

Today's (late) Thursday Thirteen is all about the conference I am attending and my experiences as I travel(ed) to the conference... Enjoy!

Thirteen Things about ffbgirl
1…. As I am headed to my 3rd midwest political science conference, I am still nervous about presenting my research. I am presenting a paper about the ways in which the political party committees talk about women vs. men in their news releases. It really was an interesting paper, if I do say so myself, but it isn’t really a “political science” paper. It has no models. It doesn’t use NES data. It is a content analysis (blasphemy to some political scientists), but it is a QUANTITATIVE (say it with me people, quant-ih-tate-ive) content analysis. This is not qualitative research, so the political scientists shouldn’t really give me crap about this.

2. I am headed to Chicago, BY MY SELF! I don’t really even like going to the bathroom alone, so a trip to another time zone all by my lonesome is not really at the top of my “favorite-things-to-do list.” I will be there less than 24 hours and will go directly from the airport to the cab, to my hotel, to my room, to my panel presentation, back to the cab, back to the hotel, home. I know I can do this. I know it will be fine. But it is still a little scary to me.

3. It is going to be colder than a witch’s titty when I get there! That just plain sucks. As I drove the 2 hours to the airport today, I sweat my ass off in my husband’s car with no A/C… I wore a long-sleeve t-shirt on the plane and carried my sweatshirt on as I knew it was going to be cooooollllddd when I arrived in Chicago… I didn’t bring a heavy coat because I don’t plan on being outside any longer than it takes to smoke a cigarette or hail a cab. I know that is a dumb plan, but I wanted to be able to carry my luggage on and there just wasn’t room for by big coat.

4. It seems like my panel is going to be REALLY great! The women presenting at it are all even getting together tonight for dinner and drinks. Damn, the first panel I am on in which the people are actually friendly and trying to be collegial and my travel plans prevent me from getting to make new academic friends. I e-mailed the chair and expressed my sadness at not being able to join in the fun, so I hope they don’t think I am just being frigid and not going to be rude or something.

5. This one relates to the above “blurbs,” but I will literally be in Chicago for less than 24 hours. The conference is always at this really fancy expensive hotel, and because I am a fraidy cat I won’t stay at an off-site hotel, I try to only be at the conference the required amount of time to present my own paper and get the heck outta’ dodge. Well, seeing as I present at a panel at 8 a.m. on Friday, I am flying in Thursday night and don’t get in until midnight and then I am checking out and getting back home. I would really like to stay and do the whole go to other peoples’ panels and learn something thing, but I just don’t have the money to stay any longer than I have to. It is just that simple. So I hope this doesn’t make me a bad academic.

6. I realized I need to say more about how GREAT our panel is going to be… The chair was even cool enough to give us a general guide to presenting our papers. She doesn’t want the usual “here is why I studied this, here were my research questions/hypotheses, here was my method, here was my findings, this is what matters about my paper, and what questions do you have.” Instead, she actually took the time to read the panel papers and then come up with some general themes that we can all address. This was both good and bad for me. Like I said, my paper is not the normal poly-sci paper, so I didn’t totally have an answer for all 10 of the questions she wanted us to address (I didn’t even know what some of the questions meant, I hope I will figure that out during the panel)… But I took her guidelines and fit them to my paper (or fit my paper to her guidelines) and I think I have a pretty good talk planned. I did do the newby thing and write it out, but I won’t read it tomorrow. I am going to practice it a couple of times so the written plan will just be there as a guide. I might even turn it into bullet points.

7. En route to the conference, I get to see my parents!!! Woo-hoo! I realized I have not seen them since Christmas, and for me that is a really long time. I have about an hour layover in the airport right by their house, so we get to hang out for a bit. They are going to pick me up outside of my gate and drive me over to my next terminal. This will be grand fun! Mom is going to make me a cocktail and have it waiting in the car. She is also bringing me a tank top I left at her house (to wear under my dress shirt) as well as a travel-size bottle of saline because I didn’t have one small enough to carry on and didn’t have time to buy one. She is also bringing a pair of scissors to cut the security tag out of my new jeans (see No. 8). So, I will get to grab a smoke or two, have a drink, have a snack, complete my packing job, and get to see Mom and Dad!! That will make for one hell of a layover. Plus, weather.com said there will be at least an hour delay in leaving DFW for Chicago, so if that happens, that will increase the amount of time we get to spend together! Yippee!

8. Scissors… I know, sounds strange. So I bought a new pair of Gap jeans a couple of weeks ago. You know how Gap jeans all have that little sewn-in security tag you are supposed to cut out once you get them home? Well… I forgot to cut that out. It turns out that little security thing has metal in it. That metal will set off the metal detector at the airport. Then the person that pats you down is generally confused by it (which I totally understand).

So here is how it happened. I actually successfully packed in one roller-suitcase (I ALWAYS travel with a backpack and I usually check my real luggage, but for 24 hours I wanted to be simple)… I had my laptop in a cover thing at the top of the suitcase. I had my bathroom stuff in a baggy (all less than 3 oz.). I also had my insulin stuff in its own baggy.
So I get my shoes off, get my sweatshirt in the bin, get my laptop out of its cover and into its own bin, get my baggies into the bin, and send all my crap to be x-rayed. Then I go to walk through the x-ray thing myself…

Beeeep.

Crap! I left my phone hooked to my pocket. I take that off, put it in a bucket, walk though again.

Beeeep.

Crap! I realize I left my headphones in my pocket. The guy looks at me and says, sorry you’ll have to be patted down now. The other guy says, well we don’t have a female right now, is that the only thing you’ve got? Thinking it really was the only thing I had left on me I said, yeah, that’s it. So, go back through, put headphones in bucket, walk though again.

Beeeep.

Holy Shit! So, now I AM getting patted down (not that I really mind because I am glad they are doing their jobs). I explain it is probably my insulin pump. The lady comes over, explains the process (will wand you first, then pat you down, will use the back of my hand for any sensitive areas), tells me to stand on the peanuts, starts wanding me. She gets to my left pocket and...

Beep…

No biggie here, I assume it is my pump. I pull my pump out of my pocket and show it to the lady. She then wands me again.

Beeep at the left pocket.

Damnit! Turns out I forgot I had change in my pocket. I take that out and apologize. Wanding continues.

Beeep.

OK, WTF???? Well, then it comes to me… That security tag in gap jeans. I explain this to the woman, even offer to disrobe partially to show it to her. She feels around for it, figures out it is there, seems satisfied. Except my pump still beeps… This is unusual, but I can’t even explain that one. So she wipes it to bomb test it, it passes, and finally, off I go…

So, I called my mom and asked her to bring scissors when she comes to meet me so we can cut that sucker off. She did and I really did have to partially disrobe in front of the airport for her to cut the damn thing out…

At least it made me laugh!

9. Eight was really long and should have counted as two… So, this is being written in parts. I got to see my mom and dad at the airport. That freaking rocked! But, you remember how when you were at summer camp they never let you actually call your mom and dad. I never really understood why until now (well I actually figured this out earlier than now, but this is another example of it). Seeing Mom and Dad only made me miss them more. My poor mother cried for a good deal of the time I was there. She really misses me. I really miss her. She is my best friend and it sucks that we live a zillion miles apart. But, Mom and Dad came and saw me for all of 15 minutes, brought me saline, matches, and scissors. Dad even packed my pack of smokes so I could quickly get one in before I had to go back inside. It was really nice of them to drive to the airport just to see me for that short of time.

10. I am hoping to stand by for an earlier flight home tomorrow, so tomorrow could wind up being seven hours in the airport. That very well might suck.

11. When I got to my fancy schmancy expensive hotel late tonight, I got one pleasant surprise… I got this huge nice fancy (even for this hotel) suite!!! It is amazingly huge. I haven’t even walked through all the rooms yet! This room is easily bigger than the entire downstairs of my townhouse! This freakin’ rocks. I am so bummed I will be in here a grand total of six hours. Oh well, I am going to enjoy it while I am here.

12. I ordered room service tonight. I do not usually do room service. I paid $30 for a quesadilla and a small diet coke. The quesadilla was good, but not that good. The diet coke is easily the best part… But, it was LATE when I got here (hence this Thursday 13 technically getting posted on Friday), and I was not about to venture out of the hotel in the freezing ass cold to get food of any kind. And by the time I got here, I realized I had eaten some fries, a chicken sandwich, and some chips, and that was it, all day. I needed something that resembled a real meal—the quesadillas were as close as I could get on the late night menu. So I enjoyed it and chalked it up as an educational expense. I will try to be cheap tomorrow. I also rode in a cab—BY MYSELF. I know that was the plan all along, but I am still proud of myself. I even texted G when I got in the cab and gave him the cab number in case something bad happened to me… I am such a baby.

13. Well, I hate to end on a sad note, but I am going to because I am looking for some answers here in the blogsphere…

A young woman who works for G and also cleans our house went to the hospital this afternoon, 8-months pregnant, thinking she might be in labor. I got texts about it before I got on the plane. I sent her a text and said that I would be thinking about her. Before I got on the plane, another manager at G’s restaurant (who went to the hospital with her) called me and told me they had lost the baby’s heartbeat and that was all she knew. Before I heard any more, I had to get on the plane and turn off my phone.

By the time I arrived at my first stop, I had gotten texts informing me she had lost the baby. Oh how my heart aches for her. We had already thrown her the baby shower. I had made promises to baby sit. She was really excited (of course). So I text back and fourth with G and the other manager to get as much info as I can. She had a c-section and her spirits are up—considering the situation. The mom-to-be even texted me to say thanks for thinking of her. I sent her a message that I love her (not only does she work for us, she is our friend and I care for this young woman) and that she would remain in my prayers.

The girl’s mother and yet another manager at G’s store went to her house and cleared out all the baby stuff. I asked if anyone knew if they were having a burial and if they are I might ask my parents to chip in to defray costs—G said he will talk to the president of the company about helping with those costs (the parents to be are basically poor).

But my question is this… What is the protocol here on helping the would-be mom? I just feel helpless and clueless. The only thing I know to do is to offer her my shoulder if she needs it. Is there something I should know to be doing? If anyone has advice on how I can help her or be there for her, please let me know. I just want to do anything I can. Right now I am just sending up my prayers for her…

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!1. Lara (the only one I actually regularly read, so please let me know if you have one too)
2. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

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ttfn

Why Hillary Why

2007-04-11T12:56:00.000-05:00

Let me say this first, I support Hillary Clinton and her bid for the presidency. I respect her and think she would be a positive influence on our country. As an HRC supporter, I receive e-mails from the campaign--usually of the send-us-money-type, but also occasionally about actual policy issues.

That said, today I received an e-mail from the HRC campaign beseeching me to send an e-mail in support of the Rutgers' women's basketball team in reaction to Imus's bigoted comments about the team. While I agree that his comments were unacceptable, and I also agree that support should be shown to the Rutgers' women, I am not sure this was a battle Hillary really needed to take up. I am not absolutely sure about this, but this is my first gut reaction.

HRC needs support. We all know that--what presidential candidate doesn't need support... She was never going to get support from Imus, so pissing him off isn't really a huge deal. But was she jumping on the band wagon about this one? Is she picking her battle wisely? Was this a ploy to get support from the African American community? Was this the best avenue to start down that road? I am not saying I know the answers to these questions, but my gut reaction was why is HRC getting into this fray?

Maybe I have missed something and this is a bigger story than I realized... I am not discounting the gravity of this situation. I do see it as a good thing that HRC is using her notoriety to support these young women and activate against the ideas that Imus was sharing. I guess I am doubting her motives...

If anyone happens to read this and wants to give it a stab as to what the political strategy behind that e-mail was, please do... I am just not sure I get why she did it.

ttfn

Diabetic Counselling

2007-04-10T18:08:00.000-05:00

I have been diabetic for 12+ years. I am type I, insulin dependent. I used to be a really good diabetic. I always had A1c's in the acceptable range. I rarely had episodes of high or low blood sugar. I was great.

Then I went to college. Then I stayed in college for 8 years. The diabetes management skill that used to be so easy became less so. I went on the insulin pump (a positive), but I also picked up habits like smoking and drinking (negatives). I gained weight (a lot of it). I drank and smoked. I learned the ease of eating out (which meant eating junk). My acceptable A1c levels went into the pooper. Did I mention that I started drinking and smoking? So now I am not such a great diabetic. And I know this. And I am not quite sure why I am ok with it.

I know the consequences of diabetes not kept in check. I don't want to go blind, need a kidney transplant, lose a toe, lose a finger, lose a leg, get diabetic neuropathy, or any other of a number of horrible long-term complications of this disease. You would think the threat of these horrible things would be enough to make me keep this disease in check.

But here's the thing... I feel fine. Right now. I know how to keep myself rolling along and, for some reason, I just am tired of always doing the diabetic right thing. I know I sound like a spoiled child, but I really am tired of this damn disease. At one of my doctor's visits in the last year, my doctor looked at me and said, "You have some very serious medical problems, whether you like to admit it or not." I don't like to admit it. It scares the crap out of me.

I am not a terrible diabetic. I guess. I drink diet coke (even with captain morgan). I don't generally eat sugary foods. I do eat TONS of carbs. And fat. And cholesterol. In general, I try to keep my blood sugar in acceptable ranges... I don't always succeed, but when I find out it is out of whack I take steps to correct it. I wish it were just that easy. I know I need to stay on a diet--not only because of my diabetes but also because of my high cholesterol. I know I MUST quit smoking. I know I need to lose weight. I know I need to exercise. Now there's another hot topic.

I have not ever really exercised. Ever. I am clumsy and overweight. I know this about myself. I am also lazy. I hate to exercise because I worry that anyone who witnesses me exercising will notice just how clumsy and overweight I am. I actually don't think I hate exercising, except for the embarrassment that goes along with it. I would like to find a place where I can feel comfortable exercising... I don't know...

So, basically, I am feeling pretty down on myself.

Where did all this come from, you ask. I got a call from the insurance company today. They wanted me to enroll in their diabetic counselling program. I initially said, thanks, but no thanks. I told the nice woman on the phone that I have been diabetic for a long time and that I am very busy and pretty much have all this under control. But then I asked her what she could tell me about the company's mail-order Rx program. She said the only way to get that program is to enroll in the counselling program. Yuck. But, I really want mail-order drugs so I said let's do it.

So then I was on the phone with this woman for the next 30 minutes, answering questions about my diabetes, my weight, my diet, my cholesterol, my feet... everything. So by the end of it, she had decided that we had set some goals. How did she get the right to set goals for me?? But, she had. And then she wanted me to rate to her on a scale of 1 to 10 my conviction for these goals and then my confidence to reach these goals.

Goal 1: Exercise More--conviction 3, confidence 2; explained that I am busy and just don't have time for that right now. I didn't think I needed to explain the embarrassment aspect.

Goal 2: Lose weight--conviction 5 or 6, confidence 5 or 6; told her that my main goal is to not gain weight right now. I think I will go into weight loss mode again this summer when I keep a set schedule and get back on Addipex.

Goal 3: Keep blood sugar in acceptable ranges--conviction 8 or 9, confidence 8 or 9; told her I have that part pretty much down pat. I really do. But I think I need to test my blood sugar more. I think I will try to report in my blog more frequently about my blood sugar levels. Maybe that outside motivation will do me good.

So, that was about it... I am cooking dinner tonight now (rather than eating McDonalds). I am making roast chicken, mashed potatoes, green beans, rolls, and brown gravy. The roast chicken I am making with Pam and Emeril's Poultry Seasoning. The mashed potatoes will be made with margarine and 1/2% milk so not as bad as they could be. The green beans will be simple and not made with bacon--again not bad. The gravy I won't be making, but I think I will try to avoid eating it too. The rolls will be simple, but high in carbs and with margarine, but I will have to have just one. Overall, though, I think this meal is still going to be better for me than a big mac.

ttfn

Vote for Life: The Ongoing Education

2007-04-09T21:32:00.000-05:00

OK, I nominated my "blog-friend" for a Blogger's Choice Awards for the "Blogitzer" Award--an award for the blog with the best writing, kind of like a Pulitzer for Blog's.

This blogger rocks my socks off. I have blogged about her a lot. I cannot entirely describe what it is, but her blog just blows my mind. She is the reason I started blogging. Her blog really showed me the power of blogging. In short, I just think she and her blog are amazing!! I really think she deserves to win. Whether she is blogging about the good, the bad, or the ugly, her blog is always very well written. She deserves the award. Go vote for her. Go right now.

The only bad part about this is that I think she might be one of only like 5 people who even read my blog, but if you happen to stumble upon this post, please go vote for Life: The Ongoing Education.

ttfn

Sammie the wonder dog

2007-04-09T18:57:00.000-05:00

I realized I have not written about my lovely little dog yet. A while back I showed a picture of a dog I was thinking about adopting, but we didn't get that dog. Instead we got our fabulous Sammie.

He is a super wonder mutt and I just love him to pieces. We got him in December, and I think he has really grown to love us. We sure have grown to love him. He has put on a bit of weight since this pic was taken (this was when we were bringing him home for the first time).

He loves to snuggle his way under the covers and get as close to you as possible. In the picture below, he had crawled under the pillow inside the pillow case... I had gone upstairs to get ready and when I came down he was missing. This frequently happens, and I usually find him under the comforter I keep on the couch. When I picked up the blankets and didn't find him, I was a little puzzled. I went to move the pillow, but it was heavy... And I found him!

He really is the sweetest thing, He loves to climb in my lap and lick all over my face (which really grosses me out, but I can't usually stop him). He has a little bit of an attitude in that he chooses when to be obedient. We also suspect he was the victim of dog-violence. We think his first owners beat him and then let him run away... He was a stray in Miami and we also think he got hit by a car because he has some damage to his rear left leg. He sometimes hops on three legs, but I think he does that more for attention than anything else.

He is a fabulous dog and I am devoting today's blog to him because I love him and because I have put him through vet hell lately. I took him in on Friday to get boosters. We also found out from the vet that he is probably 5 or 6 years old, but the lady from whom we adopted him told us he was 3... Oh well, not like his age really matters, it was just strange that she would be wrong on that... Then today I took him back to the vet for a teeth cleaning. Wow I am sure he hated that! He couldn't have food after 8 p.m. last night, then I had to wake him up at 7 a.m. to take him in. I left the poor pooch there all day to be tortured (in his mind)...

So I picked him back up and have him snuggled next to me on the couch. He can stay that way all night!

We love you Sammie Dog!

ttfn

Thursday Thirteen

2007-04-07T19:07:00.000-05:00

OK, I know it is not Thursday. But I wanted to get started on this so I am posting this one a few days late. Will this get me kicked out of the Thursday Thirteen club?

Please read below all about some of my firsts... I don't know if each Thursday 13 is supposed to have a theme, but this one does...

Thirteen Things about ffbgirl1…. I went to a firing range and shot a gun for the first time today. I really enjoyed it. A lot!
2. I took my first motorcycle riding lesson about two weeks ago. I did not drop the bike or even come close! I eventually even put my feet on the pegs! I tried to get into second gear, but neutral got in the way (damn green light!). I hope to be able to ride around the block by Leesburg.
3. I am going to Chicago this week to present a paper I wrote about political parties and the way they discuss women candidates and leaders in the parties’ news releases. I hope the paper is well received! Oh, and this is the first time I will be going to a conference REALLY ALONE—all the other ones at which I have presented I have had someone I know there. Yikes!
4. I got my second ear hole pierced last week. This is not technically a first, but a first in a long time seeing as I think I was 8 the last time I tried to pierce the second holes!
5. I purchased a bed for the first time ever this week. It is a king-size plush super pillow top and we are going to LOVE it! I was shocked to find out how much king-size sheets cost.
6. I put a blog roll on my blog this week. That was an accomplishment in and of itself. I thought I was going to have to e-mail someone who already had one and ask them how they got that. Luckily, I didn’t—I would have been VERY embarrassed to find out how easy it was.
7. Okay, the rest of these won’t be recent firsts because I just haven’t done any more new things lately…
I took my first insulin shot at 13—February of 1995 (yeah, do the math). I have been insulin dependent the entire time I have been diabetic and have always administered my own meds.
8. My first car was a 1994 Ford Escort and my friends said it was pink, but I said it was magenta! It was a two-door five speed. I drove the hell out of that thing. I am still a terrible driver (see next first).
9. My first really bad wreck was Labor Day ’06. It was a hit and run in which the other car hit my driver’s side rear quarter panel (I was pulling out of my apartment complex to turn left, they were in the lane closest to me—would have been behind me if I had turned right). My car spun around 180 degrees. I thought it wasn’t that bad. I reversed to get out of the road, made sure I was OK, then drove back across the road into my complex. No one stopped to render aid. Luckily I was OK, but it has always bothered me that the other driver drove off and no one stopped. It was all so crazy that I couldn’t even tell the cops what the other car looked like other than white and four door… Maybe had someone stopped they could have helped me out there. So, then I called the hubbie and jim (my own personal first responder). They showed up just before the cops. Someone did call 911 for me, at least. I wouldn’t go in the ambulance because I thought I was OK… I was WRONG! Within the hour, I could barely move my neck and my back felt like it was moving not under my direction… So I went in the next day to find out I had whiplash and a sprained lumbar. They sent me to a chiropractor and I have been seeing the chiropractor since then. We have since discovered that, as a result of the wreck, I have a protruding disc at L4-L5. I will probably have back problems for the rest of my life. That pisses me off.
10. I don’t remember my first kiss. Isn’t that sad? I keep going back and fourth in my memory between the only two boys I kissed in all of junior high and can’t remember which one happened first. I think it was the boy from church, but then I really think it was the alterna-boy who really had a crush on my best friend.
11. My first job was at the local dry cleaners. My sister had worked there as her first job, too. They were the only people we knew willing to hire a 15-year-old. I took in clothes, tagged them, brought people their clean clothes… All in all it was pretty easy.
12. My first apartment was in the ghetto. Not just ghetto… GHETTO! I went to a small private school where most of the students were living off Mommy and Daddy. My mommy and daddy also supported me but did so with more limits than most people at my school… So I lived farther away from campus (thus avoiding $1,000/month rent) and lived in the ghetto. But I made the best of that place. Virtually everything in that apartment was given to me. My mom’s work friend gave me a couch, coffee table, side table, and vacuum. My sister gave me all sorts of kitchen stuff—including a kitchen table. My grandma gave me a bed, someone gave me a washer and dryer… Literally, I bought NOTHING to furnish that apartment. It rocked. I still have a lot of those freebies. I am sitting on the world’s greatest free couch as I type (I think it might not make the next move and that makes me sad).
13. This is my first Thursday Thirteen Post. Please tell me what you think. Am I getting the idea of them right? Please let me know.
Links to other Thursday Thirteens!1. Lara (the only one I actually regularly read, so please let me know if you have one too)
2. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

Blog Roll

2007-04-05T20:55:00.000-05:00

Check it out!!! I figured out how to list the blogs to which I subscribe!!! These blogs are fabulous! I stumbled onto most of them through the blog rolls of others. If you read me and you have a blog and you aren't on my list, leave a comment and I will read you too!! Sounds like a plan to me!

ttfn

Friends, not the sitcom

2007-04-05T16:45:00.000-05:00

So I am a 25-year-old who still so badly wants to be liked by the cool kids. Really badly. And, had you asked me three weeks ago, I would have said the cool kids did like me and had let me in their clique. Yes, my friends have a clique. OK, I will be honest, we have a motorcycle "gang" or club... We ride together, do things together, generally like one another, look out for each other, have fun together. We used to all be a really close-knit group. And I really felt like a part of it. Often I felt like the leader of it. There are quite a few of us. Let me give you the roll call list:

Me (bike name clutch because I am still scared riding on a motorcycle so I clutch the driver, sometimes too tightly)

picture taken at BikeWeek where I found the trike I want... I don't think I will ever actually drive a bike, but I can dream...

G, my husband. He drives a victory kingpin. He loves his motorcycle almost as much as he loves his wife. (bike name the hand because he often uses his hand to make fun of the many women in his life who yammer on and on--think open and close hand as motion to "yeah yeah yeah...")

night one of bikeweek... isn't he handsome?

*Jim, a deputy sheriff in town, drives a harley davidson soft tail, probably the real leader of the gang. (bike name EZ because he is so easy going)

in the midst of upside down margaritas at bikeweek...

*Amanda, a civil engineer, recently began driving her own victory custom cruiser, used to ride on back of Jim's bike when they were being friendly. (bike name ST Junk because of a long story that relates to how uncomfortable the bitch seat on Jim's bike is)

me and amanda at Gilly's at bikeweek.

Christina, an RN, rides bitch for Jim, great fun girl! (bike name Gigglez because she giggles all the time)

ez and gigz laughing it up at bikeweek.

*Scott, a contractor, drives a hd fat boy, used to be a cop, used to be a marine, likes cheap-looking women, generally fun. (bike name TumBull because when he drinks too much he needs lots of Tums and he really likes Red Bull...)

scott and I riding at biketoberfest

Omar, another deputy sheriff in town, drives an hd vrod, not a core member of group, very much a clumsy rider. (bike name bent because he wrecks too much)

the result of an upside down margarita accident

*Al, a realtor and transportation supervisor, drives an hd heritage softtail, great fun guy, always good for a laugh, great point man (which means he usually rides in the front and leads on rides). (bike name still being determined... could be keys bc he dropped his keys in the ocean at a bike rally, could be blue mints bc of a long story involving porta potties and jim beam)

Al lookin cool by his bike

*Denise, an office manager, rides bitch for Al, another fun chic, is a mom to a 20 year old, always trying to make al eat something weird. (bike name sparky because at her hotel at a bike rally she found a roach on the balcony and picked it up because she was shocked to find it)

Denise and al at Ponce Inslet during bikeweek

Nikki, a restaurant manager, rides a honda rebel 250, single mom to two girls, fiercely independent but traditional at heart, tons of fun, usually smiling and laughing but has a taste for the dramatic (especially with jerry), loves to be the center of attention. (bike name yet to be determined but she wants the princess or the blow off and I vote for call me because she doesn't ever say bye to a man she knows, she says call me and then blows them off)

Nikki and Jerry at bikeweek... don't they look good together?

Jerry, a UPS driver, doesn't have a bike yet--Nikki's rebel is actually Jerry's, but its a girl bike so he has pretty much given it to her, but when we all do ride, he rides that bike and Nik rides bitch, good ol' country boy, still in love with Nikki (did I mention they lived together up until recently), likes to talk politics with me. (bike name yet to be determined because due to his situation with nikki he is not a permanent member just yet and due to the fact that he doesn't have a bike...)

____________________________

So what do the stars mean? One star means is one of the cool kids. They don't actually know about this name. But they are the ones who seem to have the whole bike thing down. When Amanda was still riding bitch, she always made a point to say that she rode better than I did (or at least i felt like she did). Jim knows most about riding around here.

And let me tell you about their history...

Fourth of July, Jim rescues a girl friend of ours from her drunken self. Amanda saw this and this caused her to see Jim in a whole new light. Jim already had the hots for Amanda and so they started a little thing.

But, Jim is 44 and Amanda is 26... The age thing was an issue for her.

But the bigger thing to her (it seemed from my perspective) was that even though they had started a relationship, she was still looking for better things. She was honest with him about this. He was honest with her that he was ok with this. But he wasn't honest with himself that he wasn't ok with it... They went round and round for six months and all the while Jim is devoted to Amanda and she is less than devoted to him... She finds other men to pay attention to her and when they stop paying attention she goes back to Jim.

As Jim's friend, this sucks. As Amanda's friend, I would try to help her see how that was a bad way to be.

It all came to a head at New Year's Eve. Jim, Amanda, G and I go to a fancy (expensive) dinner. Jim pays for her. Then we go to our favorite bar. While they are no longer dating, they were there together.

Then, a random previous f-buddy of amanda's showed up. (a little history on that, after a one night stand the guy told her he moved to jacksonville... we don't think he did, he just wanted to use her and get away, but she let him) So amanda starts talking to the f-buddy. She comes to us (me, G, and jim) and says sorry, but I am going with him because I really want to do him (not her exact words, hers were more harsh)... And LEAVES with him. Sorry, but you dance with the one who brung ya!

Jim was crushed. Not that he expected anything from her that night other than to be his date for the night. Plain and simple. And she screwed that up. Luckily, though, (so I thought at the time) this made Jim see how wrong she had been doing him. So Jim told her they could no longer even be close friends for a while so he could get over the hurt and fall out of love with her.

So we didn't see Amanda for a good two months.

During those two months, I was Jim's best friend. We talked daily. He called me all the time. I reassured him that things would be OK. We hung out with him and the new girls he would bring around. We were ok to kick her out of the group because she had done him wrong.

But, of course, she showed back up... With her new (not new bc she had been with him while dating jim and he had treated her like poop) guy in tow. It started that Jim needed a date for the Daytona 500 and he couldn't take me bc that would be inappropriate.

Then, she rode to bikeweek with Jim, the new guy met her there and she left with the new guy... (don't even get me started on her and this guy during biketoberfest--when she and jim were still somewhat of a couple). Jim also had other women ride with him while she was there with the new guy. We all got along just fine. If he can forgive her wrong doing, so can I.

Then we get back from bikeweek. Amanda decides (after seeing jim with other women) that she really does want to be with him... (does it sound to anyone else that she doesn't really want him, she just doesn't want anyone else to have him) And so now things are all hot and heavy again.

And guess what? I am no longer Jim's best friend. he never calls me or G... He will only ride when it is convenient for her. If he doesn't come up with the big plan and she is so so about it then they aren't in.

This really hurts my feelings. If Jim calls and wants g and I to ride with him and we had other plans, we will usually rearrange them to ride with him. We are good friends to him. We care about him. he only cares about us when she isn't around. It pisses me off. I don't care if they have a relationship. I care if their relationship ruins my friendship with Jim.

And I have even talked to him about it. I told him that I am happy for them to be together but that he needs to make more of an effort to not exclude me from his life. To remember that I was there in the thin, and that I want to be there in the thick.

I also know I shouldn't care. If they don't want to hang out with me, then my hubbie says I should be able to say f-em. But it still hurts my feelings.

Yesterday, I send a text out asking the gang if they want to ride and go have dinner and drinks in the next town. I get a yes from G, Nikki, and Jerry. I get a maybe from Omar. I get no response from Al, Denise and Scott (I didn't invite Christina--oops). I get an e-mail from Amanda saying her phone is dead, but they are eating in but are down for riding and drinks. I get a text from jim saying that he is meeting amanda at 5 they were going to run around and then go to lils for a short time and no on dinner. I send back asking if he got amanda's e-mail, that she wanted to go riding but if he didn't then for them to have fun. This really hurt my feelings. I was already having a bad day.

So I decided to go have a drink after work. I didn't think anyone would be there (G was driving back from out of town work, nik and jer were at work). I drive to Lils to see three bikes parked there. Initially I drove off bc I didn't want them to think I had come there to eat with them. But then I decided I had had a bad day and wanted a drink and they weren't going to stop me.

Period.

So I walk in and see Jim and Amanda on the far side of the bar deep in conversation. I stay on the other side of the bar and order my drink, pay, and go sit outside by myself. And mind you, I hate being by myself. had they not been there I would have sat at the bar and talked to people. but i didn't want to talk to them and I didn't want them thinking I was there to hang with them. I have not heard from either one of them all day. I usually hear from one of them every day.

I mean, what was that all about. Am I not cool enough to have drinks with? It just sucks when they hurt my feelings. And they get hurt a lot. We all pick on each other, but they seem to pick on me more than the others (jim only does this when amanda is around)... I hate it that I so easily get my feelings hurt. It really makes me almost cry. Why am I only good enough to be friends with when there are no other options? Why am I just a back up friend? That sucks.

And I don't want to write them off because I know one of them (probably Jim) will need me when things go sour. And I just won't be the kind of person that won't be there for them. That is just spiteful. I don't know...

Sorry for such a long random down post... I just wanted to get that off my chest. I know I didn't cover all the angles of it. At least now you can know the cast of characters of who my friends are...

ttfn

The Soundtrack of my Life

2007-04-04T15:44:00.000-05:00

I stumbled onto this game (or is it a meme??) and I wanted to play so here it is… I found it at http://jillbe.blogspot.com (but I have read/heard that others are playing too)

If your life was a film, what would the soundtrack be?

So, here's how it works:

1. Open your library. (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press play.
4. For every question, type the song that's playing.
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button.
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool.
7. When you're finished, tag some other people to do it!

Opening Credits: “The Long and Winding Road,” The Beatles
(I swear I didn't make that the first song or anything...)

Waking Up: Hanging by a Moment, Lifehouse
(Waking up I often feel like hanging something--usually me!)

First Day At School: Coming Up, Paul McCartney
(I don't actually recognize this song so I can't really comment)

Falling In Love: Paradise By the Dashboard Light, Meatloaf
(Another one with which I was not totally familiar so not a lot of commentary available)

Fight Song: You Belong in the Sun, Jo Dee Messina
(Damn, why are there all these songs on my computer that I don’t actually know?? I like the idea of this title being a fight song though. I am a firm believer that sunshine is good for one’s mental well being soooo…)

Breaking Up: Fields of Gold, Sting
(Yet another one about which I cannot comment. What a bummer!)

Prom: Can’t Stand Losing You, Sting
(And why does it go to the same artist twice? I admit, I have this album ripped for the two Sting/Police songs I know—Message in a Bottle and Every Breath You Take…)

Life: Train to Sanity, Stoney LaRue
(Ein't that the truth... Maybe life is one long train to sanity… And, for those of you who don’t know Stoney (and I am sure most of you don’t), go check him out. Good ol’ red dirt country music (red dirt country means it is a good mix of rock’n’roll, folk, country, blue grass, all the good stuff, created on the red dirt of Oklahoma)… You just might like him…)

Making babies: Bust’a’Move, Young MC
(how appropriate!!)

Mental Breakdown: Somebody’s Hero, Jamie O’Neal
(this one doesn't really fit other than that I am confident I will inherit the Logan Women tradition of going a little crazy around 40 and this song is about the phases in a woman's life)
Driving: Cool Thing, Rascal Flatts
(Don’t know this one either)

Flashback: If I Ever Get Back to Oklahoma, Jason Boland and the Stragglers
(Now that would be my most favorite flashback... Every time I hear that song I flashback to the days of Joe's, OSU, Garrett and Eric's apartment, Soprano's nights at Guys, avoiding the strip, all the fun that was life in Stillwater. Jason Boland and the Stragglers is another Red Dirt Band you should check out!!)

Getting back together: We Can Work it Out, The Beatles
(I swear on a stack of Bibles these were what came next on shuffle, I didn't cheat)

Wedding: I Feel Fine, The Beatles
(I certainly felt fine at my wedding!)

Birth of Child: Better Things to Do, Terri Clark
(Now that's just wrong. And kind of hits a nerve with me as lately I feel like whenever I talk about the eventual children I will have everyone has a smart alec comment about what a crappy pregnant lady I will be or how much being a mother will be so much harder than I think. You think I don't know it will be hard? So what! If my mom could do it, so can I. And there won't be better things to do than raise my children... Sorry to get on the soap box there for a minute!)

Final Battle: Know your Enemy, Rage Against the Machine
(Appropriate again)

Death Scene: Dirty White Boy, Foreigner
(Hmmmm… I am not sure how to react to that one…)

Funeral Song: I want to Hold Your Hand, The Beatles
(I think my media player is obsessed with the Beatles)

End Credits: Kerosene, Miranda Lambert
(Kind of funny ending song! I wish I had the gall she has to just soak in kerosene the episodes in my life that hurt me!!)

So go ahead and play the game! Leave me a comment with a link to your soundtrack so I can check it out! I look forward to hearing about them!

ttfn

Time Together

2007-04-03T14:06:00.000-05:00

So recently a friend of mine and my husband's pointed out that we are too up each others' asses. I have, of course, been obsessing about this since then. It really is true. We spend virtually all of our free time together. I even hang out at his work when he is working and I am not. But, here is the flip side of that. When I stay home and he works, he calls and texts me endlessly. When I go out and he is at work, or he goes out and I am out of town, we text back and forth and gripe about how much more fun we would be having if the other one were there.

I all the time worry about doing something wrong as a wife. Like I have said before, I know this man loves me more than could be possible, and I try to love him as much, but I just worry. I want to make sure I always do everything the right way as a wife. I don't want to do things now that cause resentment and problems later. My husband is the kind of man who never has an opinion. If he does have an opinion about something, it really holds weight because he rarely voices one so I feel like when he does it must really be important to him (thus the not fighting too hard to go to midtown last night). I logically know he needs time away from me and I need time away from him. But we really don't like spending time apart. It is really that simple. I don't know. I just need to keep working on it and giving us alone time. (well alone for him, for me it will have to be away time because I hate being alone and try to avoid it at all costs)...

Another marital thing going on in my life. We have one of his assistant managers staying at our house this week. She is one of my very close friends and like a little sister to G. Her kids are on spring break and at their grandparents' houses and she lives in the ghetto and doesn't want to stay at her house by herself. So we said, hey, come stay with us. I really enjoy having the company, but I have one worry about it. How many stories have you heard of the house guest becoming the mistress??

I know this doesn't make sense. Especially because I really don't think G would ever have a mistress. I just worry. I said that before, right? This all comes down to my low self esteem. I logically know he loves me and only me. Emotionally I fear (and sometimes feel like I know) that I don't really deserve his love, like I am not worth the magnitude of love he feels. He will eventually figure that out. (this is the ugly voice in my head talking here) He will figure that out and then he will hook up with the very attractive, fun, smart, wild, sexy, daring, doesn't wear underwear calls herself bisexual flirts with my husband, woman staying in my house. Again, not logical, but I also feel like I have to be on my toes. I refuse to be that wife who this happens to and who is shocked by it. I really would be shocked, but at least I will be looking for it. I don't know.

I worry that anyone reading this will think that I have a bad marriage or something. But I don't. And I do know that much. I know we are still newly wed (just celebrated a year about two weeks ago), and that is where I worry. I think about couples with successful and unsuccessful marriages. I worry that those unsuccessful ones didn't know things were bad in the first year. Or the second year. Things are great now. I just want to do all I can to keep them great. I think successful couples do think about these things and do work on their marriages. I don't know.

Oh yeah, and what did I say yesterday? That Ohio State was Gator Bait? Again? Yeah baby! Go Gators!!

ttfn

It's Game Day Baby!

2007-04-02T15:20:00.000-05:00

Okay, my goal is going to be to post SOMETHING Monday through Thursday... Fridays and the weekends I try to avoid my computer--therefore avoiding work... So, here we go.

It's Game Day Baby!!!! Go Gators!

The national championship vibe is back in Gainesville! That's right folks, the Gators are playing for a national title. Again. I know, we just did it for football. And it seems like we just did it for basketball. But, yes siree bob, we get to play in a national title game again.

Like how I said "we"? I am a Gator, therefore I am playing for a national title. Those five starters are starting for a team of Gators everywhere. I also claim ownership of what sports teams at Oklahoma State and Texas Christian universities do as well. (okay, random side note there).

So I am very excited and nervous about this game. We beat Ohio State pretty handily earlier in the season, but these are two different teams now. Ohio State has only lost once, that's right ONCE, since we beat them. We have lost more than a few games since then. But, we are a tournament, championship team, so I am going to try not to be worried.

And so if we win, the debate begins between the husband and I if we can go to MidTown and celebrate with all the kids. I want to go. He doesn't. He is right. And I know this. I know once we get down there I will be frigtened by the crowd, he will be annoyed by the crowd, he will have to protect me from the craziness, and we will leave almost as soon as we get down there. But I want to go! (really say that with a whine and it will sound about right)

I really want to go.

And then I will really want to leave.

But, none the less, I want to go. I want to see the pandemonium. I want to see toilet paper on street signs. I want to see happy Gator Fans running around aimlessly. I want to feel the push of the TONS of people walking down the middle of University Avenue. I want that little bit of panic when it gets too crowded. Because even though we have been there twice in a year to celebrate these national titles, I want to do it again. That is what you DO when your school wins a title. Period.

All of this might be irrelevant if we lose tonight. I really hope we win. I really really hope we win. I have prayed about it.

Is it bad to pray about sports? On Saturday, while driving to watch the game, I said out loud, "Okay God. We really need a good parking spot (we were running late and already missed tip off). And we really need a win. Okay? I will take a win over a parking spot, but we really need both! Thanks God!" I literally said this out loud with another person in the car with me (and this other person doesn't really pray so I am sure she thought I was crazy).

And another random question... as a Ph.D. student, am I not supposed to do things like go out on University and celebrate the national championship? When I am a professor, will I not be allowed (or supposed) to do things like that? I sure hope not. I am a BIG sports fan. Big One! And I love the comeraderie that comes with rooting for college sports. I hang out at a non-student bar to root for my team. I don't go to games drunk. I don't act silly. I am a fan. And I hope being an instructor (and someday professor) doesn't disclude me from the enjoyment of being a college sports fan. If anyone reading this has an opinion on the matter, I would really like to know what you think.

Oh yeah and: Ohio State is Gator Bait!!!

ttfn

Dateline Life's Education

2007-03-29T16:29:00.000-05:00

Dateline Life's Education... I guess that is what I will call this because that is the form Lara followed for her interview and she is where I got this... I am going to try to re-enter the blogsphere as a writer and this little interview is my way of jumping back in. So, the background. I read Life: The Ongoing Education almost daily. Last week some time, the topic was an interview of sorts. This stemmed from Mama Tulip interviewing Sandra from Sunshine Scribe. Sandra answered Mama T's five questions and asked her readers to volunteer to be interviewed... One of her readers is Lara, who was interviewed and decided to allow her readers to volunteer to be interviewed. So... here we are...

1. Why did you start blogging?

Well, I think it was about Christmas time and I wasn't working, I wasn't really sleeping, so I started searching for Blogs about Hillary Clinton. What I wound up finding was the mommy blogs or something like that. I started reading and going from one blog to the next based on a blogger's list of "friends." I wound up finding Atomic Tumor and reading his story of the loss of his wife. I also stumbled onto the aforementioned Life: The Ongoing Education and read her depression series. While I am usually not into dark subject matter (I consider myself very positive and try to surround myself with positive thoughts), these two blogs in particular really struck me. I was so impressed with the way these two writers could shed their souls for the world to read on the Internet. I was also moved by the responses these bloggers got from their readers.

I think it might have been partially selfish on my part in that I wanted to be able to share my life and troubles and joys, and I wanted the answers and support and comments from random strangers. I thought blogging about my life would be a great way to keep a journal of sorts and work on my writing skills and just be a good habit to have. I also hoped to eventually blog about my teaching, but the blog started during this hellish period of my life during which I am on a research assistantship and discovering that I don't at all enjoy research and that I passionately love teaching... So hopefully this summer, when I am teaching again, I will be able to blog about my teaching and share that joy.

2. What is your most prized possession?

This is a hard one. I don't really have a prized possession. My immediate thought is my computer... But not because it is a nice or fancy computer, but rather because of what is in the computer (or on the hard drive). I so value my research and writing and teaching materials. They are on my computer. I have conference papers and class papers that I have researched and pain-stakingly written. I have my thesis that I worked on for two years and went on to present at my very first academic conference. I have code books that I have created that have impressed other academic types. I have proposals for papers that will become great conference papers. I have a proposal to examine the news coverage of the last three Supreme Court nominees, an examination looking at source selection in the coverage and looking for gender differences in the coverage of the three nominees. I have a paper that is currently under review at the largest journalism education conference. This paper looked at agenda setting in newspaper editorials about Bush and Blair before and during the Iraq War. I have a paper that has been accepted by the International Communication Association that looked at framing of Bush and Blair in newspaper editorials before and during the Iraq War.

I don't mean to put my vita up here, but I guess I don't hate research quite as much as I have been feeling lately. I do enjoy creating research. I just don't enjoy the research I am doing for my assistantship right now. This was probably a good thing for me then. But the bottom line of this is that my most prized possessions are the things I have worked hard to create, my research. I guess I don't hate research after all.

3. When, in the last 24 hours, did you feel happiest?

This is another hard one... In the last 24 hours, I have slept a lot. Watched some TV. Eaten a few meals with my husband. Snuggled with him in bed. Ridden on his motorcycle. Gone to work. Gone to the chiropractor. Gone to our friend's house for drinks and chatting. When was I the most happy?

I would have to say in the little moments. My husband does the nicest things like send me text messages throughout the day saying things like "I love you baby baby." He kisses me goodnight and tells me he loves me. He kisses me hello when he gets home from work. He brings me so much joy and happiness. I never thought someone would love me the way he does. But he really does love me more than I knew any one person could love another.

My mom and dad are very happily married and still in love after 30+ years of marriage. But I really think Garrett loves me even more than my dad loves my mom. My mom might love my dad as much as Garrett loves me. I know that sounds weird or sappy or something. But it is just unreal the love I feel from him. And I try hard every day to love him as much or in the same way he does me, and I know I love him alot, but I don't know for sure that I am capable of loving him as much as he loves me. I sometimes worry that that will cause problems, but I don't think it has yet... We work. We really work.

And we work hard at our marriage. I know we have only been married one year, and that the hard parts are still to come, but I think we are building good habits of working hard at our marriage so it continues to work. So the bottom line here is that I am happiest when I am reminded of my husband's love for me. I hope that isn't selfish or stupid, but it's the truth. I hope it doesn't make me codependent or something like that. But it's the truth.

4. If you had to choose another historical era in which to live, which would you choose?

I think I would have wanted to live back in the days of parasols and carriages and petticoats and fragility. Sort of.

I am very fragile. I am delicate. I can appreciate a time when women were expected to be fragile and delicate. And quiet. That is where the sort of comes in. I cannot imagine living in an era in which I wouldn't have the right to speak my mind, or vote, or have personal choice in methods of birth control. But if I could be fragile and delicate and taken care of while still having all those freedoms, I would be happy! I like being taken care of. I like being a wife. I like being babied and loved. I prefer to not sweat, to not do heaving lifting, and to not do manual labor. I like it that I do the dishes and my husband takes out the trash. But I also like it that I am in pursuit of a career. I like it that I have hopes to have that career and a family. I read blogs of working mothers, and I am inspired that I too will be able to work as a professor and raise my kids.

So I am really glad that I live in this era. And I think part of what they call the "third wave" of feminism allows me to be fragile and delicate along with those freedoms. I can do dishes and have my husband take out the trash and I can work toward a Ph.D. and still want to become a mom. I love that I can have it both ways.

5. With what cartoon character do you best identify?

This is another hard one... I would like to say Cinderella, but she is just my favorite cartoon character. Sometimes I feel a lot like Meg from Family Guy. I feel frumpy and geeky and weird a lot of the time. But I don't think that's the one either. Sometimes I am a lot like Sponge Bob. I really do try to stay positive. I think that is one of my best qualities. I am a firm believer in the power of positive thinking. I use it every day. And I try to influence others to be positive. I think Sponge Bob is pretty darn positive. He tries to see the best in people (or sea creatures), and I try to see the best in people. It is amazing what being positive will do for you.

So I guess that's it for my interview. If anyone happens to read this and wants to be interviewed, leave me a comment. I will send you five questions and you can answer them in your blog. Maybe I will have a reader or two... Who knows.

ttfn

My long-lost twin in the blogosphere...

2006-12-12T04:50:00.000-06:00

I think I found my long-lost twin sister or something out in the blogosphere... I don't want to sound crazy or like I am getting all single-white-female on this particular blogger, but after reading her weekend posts (which she was good enough to do while I was basically worthless this weekend), I saw so many similarities that, first, I thought about e-mailing my mom and telling her she had to read this girl's blog because she was so like me, and, then, I decided I just had to blog about her a little bit. She has left a few comments and I hope she doesn't mind or think I am blog-stalking her or something... I am not. I swear!

So, first, I mentioned this blog the other day, Life: The Ongoing Education. When you go to her site, leave her the requested comment about what you did this weekend (or make it what you did on Monday or what you plan to do this upcoming weekend, that could be fun!), but also check out the info about Her Bad Auction. The blogger who writes Her Bad Mother (another GREAT blog), along with another blogger is holding an auction... Well go read about it as I am afraid I will screw up the story. Please go check it out to relieve my guilt for not getting the whole story on here.

So why Lara (Life's author) is like my long lost twin. Where to begin. I was catching up from my slacking over the weekend on blog reading and she posted one with interesting quotes. I initially skimmed--I don't usually get or appreciate some of the "great" quotes... But hers were some of the same ones I would select, if I were creative enough to actually think long and hard about quotes that I thought were insightful or interesting enough to write down again... So that was a first sign, but then she mentions her Do, Due, Done list and I am feeling like we were separated at birth.

You see, I am a list maker. No, really. Not like people make them at work, use them occasionally kind of thing. I am a real list maker. I use them for everything, and they are really the only way I can function as a responsible member of society. If you go read Lara's entry about her lists, some of this will sound familiar... I make lists when I go on a trip. Packing lists will be in sections--sometimes I will double-make the list--one by day, one by activity or some other organizing factor. This list always contains the exact number of socks, bras, and underwear I will need for the trip (usually the number of days gone plus the number of days gone minus two or four, depending on the length of the trip)...

I also make lists for school. While in undergrad, I had a dry erase board on my closet door that had each course I was taking with space below it for the stuff to be done for that course. I also had space for the sorority, and any other activities I needed at the time. It was neurotic (according to my roommates). So now, I keep this list in my planner. When times get too busy, I supplement the planner with a sheet of notebook paper that I paperclip to the planner. When I get behind, the paper stays on the week where things were last checked off. That is my way of punishing myself for being behind. I have to turn back the pages to see where I left off and what else is on my list. I usually make one about a month or a month and a half before the end of the term so I can get an idea of how hellish things will get.

Sounding familiar?? Those of you who read Lara's post might be thinking I am copying her or something, but I am not. Hmmm, I just had a thought... Maybe Lara and I are not the only ones like this? Maybe this is a characteristic of smart, ambitious, successful young women. Anyone want to share his or her list making tendencies? Just a thought.

Okay, so I am not so good at blogging on the weekends, but maybe that is OK. I will try harder next weekend.

ttfn

Puppy hunting

2006-12-08T21:48:00.000-06:00

Well, Herbie is not our dog... He is a little more terrier than we would prefer, so we will just hope for him that he finds a happy home with lots of room for the little energetic fella! He is CUTE CUTE CUTE--just not right for us.

So we went on quite an adventure today--puppy hunting. We started at the local humane society. We played with two very cute pups. The first one was named Spunky and he was very cute, but spunky might be an understatement. He was about the right size--no more than 35 pounds, but WOW could that dog jump! He was no taller than my knees, and when he jumped, he caught enough air to be about even with my face. I am still slightly frightened by dogs--mainly because of my unfamiliarity with them--so we don't need a dog who would be too jumpy. So, then we played with Comet and, man, if we had a house with a yard, we might have taken this one home with us. Comet was calm, sweet, smart, didn't bark too much, young enough that we could influence his demeanor, but old enough that he was house trained and not a puppy puppy. But, Comet is a walking tree hound or something like that, and I just don't think it would be fair to keep a dog meant to have lots of time outside locked inside our town house.

So, off we went to the Pet Rescue place... There wasn't a single dog there that caught our eye, so that was a quick trip. Off we were (with a stop in at Burger King) to the next town over--about 30 miles away. There was supposed to be an adoption thing going on at the PetSmart until 5, but when we got there at 4:30, no puppies were to be found. So then we found our way to that county's humane society... About a 15 minute drive at 5 p.m.--not the best planning on our part.

So at this humane society... Well this was my first encounter with what looked like a dog pound to me. There was this huge room with dozens and dozens of large dog pins, and there had to be 30 dogs in this one room. Bear in mind, I am still not 100 percent comfortable with dogs, so when we walked into this compound, the odor of dog pee mixed with the ongoing bark-fest sent me WAY out of my comfort zone. So we walked up and down the aisles as if we were peeking into jail cells. Some of the dogs looked like they wanted to eat me, some paid me no mind, some looked sorta' cute, but none of them really sparked our interest.

So back out into the lobby we went. When we had walked into the lobby, I had noticed a very pretty pup in a cage by the desk, but we headed into the compound (sorry--I didn't get all the chronology right)... So into the lobby again. I want to find out more about the cute little weenie-dog looking pup. The nice lady behind the desk tells us she is about 2 years old, was a stray who had been brought in and wound up needing surgery... When she first got there, the shelter was unable to help her put on weight, so they took her to the vet and she eventually had to have surgery to remove a corn cob from her intestines. Yuck and sad... So now she is healthy. She is a little shy, very sweet, and I am falling in love fast. So NLBTD (I am trying some of the new tricks I have seen in other blogs) takes her out of the cage and lets me play with her on a leash. This pup is GREAT... She wanders around the lobby and sniffs everything, lets me get down on her level and just played. So I am even more in love! This whole time, G is not connecting with her and this causes me great concern. I try to get him to play with her and get to know her as I think this is OUR dog... I look at G for some sign of up or down, and I get a very definite DOWN vote. I am bummed. So we leave.

Once in the car, I, in my usual way, badger G as to why on earth this girl isn't coming home with us. After a little poking and prodding, it turns out G is not interested in this dog for a couple of reasons. He suspects her health is not 100 percent. He is also very bothered by what we call her udders. This sweet little girl must have already had a litter (or two), and mix that with her being a weenie dog and, yeah, the udder thing was a little funky. So I defer to G, as he knows FAR more about dogs than I do, and this little girl isn't coming home with us. Bummer. Damn udders.

I got an e-mail from a rescue group nearby that a basset hound/boxer mix, 1-year-old girl might be right for us. So tomorrow we are going to try to drive out to see her and get a feel for her. I am hopeful.

I am not sure where my desire for a puppy comes from as I am not really a dog person, but I just really feel like G and I need something to nurture and love and that this is something we are supposed to do right now. I hope we aren't being selfish in wanting a dog... I think we will be great dog parents. I also think this will be good training for when we will someday be responsible for a human life. Another added bonus, I DO NOT want my kids to have this freakish dog fear that I have. I know I have this fear only because I am unfamiliar with dogs. If we get a puppy now, this will be the dog with whom our kids grow up. I want my kids to have the joy of a dog... I dunno.

So that about covers it today. I hope this is enjoyable for someone to read! I really enjoy writing it. I know I have only done this like three times now, but I am proud of myself. I really want to continue with this. It really did give me more of a reason to do something worth while today (even though I didn't think about it once all day, I just know it was some motivating factor, somewhere in the depths of my mind). So we shall see. I am loving the comments, btw.

OH! Speaking of that, Lara, of Life: the Ongoing Education, blogged about Lurking. So read her post about it. And if you are lurking here, FIRST let me say that I just think that is awesome that anyone might be reading this. Second, I, too, welcome you and encourage you to make your presence known. I am a big fan of the whole small world thing and making connections. While I have yet to blog about anything worthy of some intellectual debate, I just would love to hear from folks. So, let me know how I am doing at this whole blogging thing. Constructive criticism is always welcome--I do teach journalism writing, so I appreciate editors!

ttfn

College town activities

2006-12-07T17:00:00.000-06:00

So tonight is the Gator Stomp--an event during which large numbers of college students bar crawl through numerous places in town, get free drinks, get a t-shirt, and probably an ugly hangover tomorrow. They, of course, pay a fee of some sort for this. My question is this:what about those of us who do not enjoy drunken debauchery but might enjoy having a drink and some live music on a Thursday night? I will have to avoid my favorite bar because it will be overrun with drunk children. Now when I was 21, I certainly didn't think I was a child. And some of them are not, but when you go out in an attempt to get falling down drunk, that makes you a child--in my humble opinion. So, I think we will be relegated to the really old-fogie, kind of white trash, kind of biker, bar. That is always fun for people watching.

My husband worked really hard again today at a job that he is not so wild about. All to allow me to continue my pursuit of a degree that will allow me to do what I think is my calling--teach and shape young minds. I think I just had an epiphany... If he is working in a job that sucks to allow me to do this, I need to be honest about it. I want to teach. TEACH. I enjoy research and will do a little of it, but I really LOVE the teaching. It is what God has called me to do, and I want to do it to the best of my ability, at a university that will appreciate my teaching efforts. So I think my first step will be to be honest to my advisor that this is my goal--even if it will make her very angry. She is so all about her and how what I do and become will reflect upon her. But I need to be about me and G. We are our family now and I need to respect what G is doing for me, and in return, I need to be honest and serious in my pursuit of a good teaching job. I feel a little better now with that clarity about what I am doing.

So I am trying to be somewhat anonymous with this blog... I am not sure that I am doing a good job of it. I searched blogs for my name and e-mail address and I couldn't find this, so I am hoping people who know me in real life might not stumble upon this. I just think that is better. I certainly wouldn't want my advisor to stumble onto this and see that I think she is selfish. So if there is some certain procedure I need to follow, let me know...

Well post no. 2... So far I like this. I don't think I am very good at it, but I like it none the less. I hope to return tomorrow.

Hopefully with a new puppy--see, training some someday-mommyhood. G and I are going to Ocala tomorrow to see about adopting the cutest little boy. Keep your fingers crossed for me!! I think we will be good puppy parents. This will be good for us!

ttfn

Well hello there

2006-12-07T07:09:00.000-06:00

So I have been inspired by The Atomic Tumor and his impressive writing ability in a time of great sadness, so let's see how this goes. I stumbled upon the mommy blog phenomenon and WOW. I am really afraid my life is far too boring to compare to that of mothers, but I think this could be a good outlet. It might also make me strive to accomplish something worth writing about every day.

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Today was rather uneventful, but reading the mommy blogs really reminded me how badly I want to become a mommy (as you see, I am making strides to become a blogger--not a mommy right now). I know I am a Ph.D. student and we make just a little money and we have motorcycle payments, among many other bills. But who has the money to have a baby when they have one? I don't know. I go thru this quite regularly and I think that is God's way of saying to do it. I know my husband is looking out for my best interests when he says we should wait (until I graduate, until I have a job, until we have money), but I am so afraid that as a diabetic if I wait too long--being diabetic and all--I will lose this chance for us. I just don't want to risk that. And I am quite sure we can handle whatever God sends our way...

On another unrelated note, I am in the playoffs in both of my fantasy football leagues! Woo-hoo! In the Gator Club I went undefeated thru 11 games, lost one and then won the final game, so I have a first round bye. I am hoping that give McGahee the time to heal a little more, time for me to figure out which QB to start--Hasselback, Rivers, or Rothlesberger (I know, my spelling sucks)... I picked up Gramattica--I am proud of that one--but Witten is my TE and he is hit and miss. I am really trying to stay positive and just have fun in this league, but it is much harder than in Lils league.

See in that one, I almost missed the playoffs after starting the season 0 and 4 or 5... Then my team started coming together. Keep in mind I had the first round draft pick in both leagues (picked up LJ in lils, LT in Gator), so waiting 4 or 5 games for a win was painful. This week it looks like I might have to play one of the strongest teams in the league--the team who has the bears defense... And that is one place I am struggling. I have the Cowboys and the Broncos and neither team is desireable this week--Broncos play Chargers (LT will run all over that defense) and Cowboys play Saints (they have one of the best offenses in the league)... I just really want to beat this guy--he is one of those guys who was probably a fat kid who got picked on alot, then he got to college and figured out that being big (not so much fat) can be a good thing at this age and that people will not openly make fun of him anymore... This caused him to become deep down a really good guy, but on the surface an a-hole with ego issues. I swear I have heard him say things about being a bartender at a certain bar in town makes him a pimp. Get over yourself. And he's all of a sudden a Bears fan. I am not sure this is genuine or not. But, I beat him in the regular season by sheer luck and I really want to do it again.

I have a good team--Carson Palmer (whom I got in a trade for Warrick Dunn--I got the better end of that deal), LJ, Addai (although I am debating starting Tatum Bell or Cedric Houston (NYJ)), Anquan Boldin, Roy Williams, Laverneus Coles (I might start Marty Booker instead of Williams), Witten in this league too, Gramatica here too, Cowboys or Broncos defense... Not a bad team at all. They can blow up--I got 225 or so points in week 12... But I am deeply competitive and I really want to win!

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So the hubby and I may go on a toy ride this weekend or to a swap meet... I am just not really into swap meets, so I am hoping for the toy ride. If the weather is good, all we need is a new toy, we are "doing good" and we get to ride??? I'll take it.

I am so surprised by how much I enjoy riding the motorcycle. It is about the only time I have noticed enjoying the out of doors. It is just nice quiet time where I still feel like G and I are together and bonding, but I know I am not bugging him. I often worry about bugging him, but that's for another day.

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So that will do it for this one. I hope I can do this regularly. I hope if anyone actually reads this that they find it interesting or entertaining in some way. Let's see.